Film Frown

Can you bend a bullet like Beckham? Sure you can. Our friend Jen Garcia returns to talk about the misogyny that is Wanted. Grab some peanut butter and rats, forget Tyler Durden, get a robot bullet and listen to Paul’s Morgan Freeman impressions. As Jen described the film, “a back-to-back string of ‘wouldn’t it be cool if’ moments.” Enjoy the show as we audition lots of closing taglines.

Find this frown-y film for your own eyeballs, if you dare.

• The trials and tribulations of finding a domain name not taken are discussed. It reminds us of an old SNL skit

• Paul calls this film The Matrix by Michael Bay.

• The writers of this film wrote the sequel to The Fast and the Furious and 3:10 to Yuma?

• Peter Bradshaw’s spot on review of this film.

• This film was only beat by WALL-E?

• Jen tells us that James McAvoy wasn’t the first choice for the lead.

• Paul says the film is a mix of blood and Thomas the Tank Engine crashing.

• Chris wants to cut Morgan Freeman from this movie into Bruce Almighty.

• Is this movie trying to do callbacks to Office Space and Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.

• This is the gruesome and ‘utterly ridiculous’ scene we keep talking about (a gun through a human head).

• They tried to bend bullets on Mythbusters.

• Hey everyone, the Loom of Fate is just the ASCII code. Huh?

• Why bend bullets when you can shoot around corners with a fancy gun?

• Jen and Chris agree that Crank is a much better ridiculous action film.

• We get into the geopolitics of the climate crisis and fast fashion because of the Loom of Fate.

• Paul suggests that our hero use his powers for good in the office, and bend paper, like in this 80s production logo.

• Paul says this movie is just Tomb Raider 3 for Angelina Jolie.

• The film has a twist within a twist and we wonder if M. Night was a production assistant on this movie.

• Paul hypothesizes that the Loom of Fate uses TC/IP to deliver the names. Jen says you have to unplug the loom and wait 15 seconds before plugging it back in.

• A character missing from the film that was in the graphic novel is someone made of excrement.

• Paul says his brothers went to see this film and all they remembered was Morgan Freeman saying, “Otherwise..”

• Watch A Knight’s Tale instead, says Paul.

• Jen says King Arthur was okay.

• Paul thinks this movie forfeits the Bechdel Test by not even having more than one woman on the screen at any time.

• Paul wanted this film to go full parody like Tropic Thunder.

• We have no idea what “video” Chris wanted to share with Jen and you listeners, so enjoy some Dolph Lundgren facts.

There you have it. A film you should avoid, Unwanted. Thanks to you for tuning in and listening. Thanks to Paul for recording and our amazingly fun and hilarious guest, Jen Garcia! Like a bad sequel, we will be back sooner than expected.

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We’re back and protecting the world from bad movies, like Megaforce protects… wait we watched the movie and we’re still not clear on what they do. Paul & Chris invite Arden and Jacob on to discuss spandex, 80s car chase films, and a campaign to make the thumb kiss a thing. We are also introduced to the Grease Cinematic Universe.

Find Megaforce on a streaming service near you. Should you dare.

• Megaforce performance via Box Office Mojo. And the rankings for that year.
• Arden reminds us that this film has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
• This film is part of few attempts for stunt man turned director Hal Needham to have another Smokey & the Bandit.
• Oh hey, Dictionary.com has a definition for “Moose Knuckle.”
• It would seem Edward Mulhare was typecast in only science fiction and fantasy.
• Arden is frustrated that Michael Beck from The Warriors was in this movie.
• Actor Evan C. Kim reminds Arden of Caveman movie starring Ringo Starr.
• Paul reminds us that Geico actually got a TV show out of their Cavemen commercials.
• The infamous B&W composition notebook.
• Playing Burt Reynolds in this film, Henry Silva.
• Jacob reminds us that skydiving is not a tactical thing, but simply recreation.
• It is fair to say that Michael Bay Hal Needhams better than Hal Needham.
• Honestly, we want to skip this bad green screen and watch the Supergirl Ballet again.
• Barry Bostwick’s co-star is Persis Khambatta from Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
• This film is from Golden Harvest productions. The Raymond Chow and Golden Harvest Era.
• Jacob reads us sections of the Wikipedia page for this film. It is so laughable that it played a part in him choosing to watch this movie.
• While some may say Barry Bostwick’s best film is Rocky Horror Picture Show, Chris argues for another film. Behold the trailer for FDR American Badass.
• Dear Nic Cage and Bruce Willis Arden says Barry is coming for your jobs.
• It’s your favorite Low Rider Nic Cage Scene.
• We are all still hungover from watching that Neil Breen picture and that was 2 years ago.
• The A-Team disclaimer was short and to the point. The Megaforce one is boring and long-winded.
• A Thumb Kiss from Barry Bostwick. Oh no, they are really trying to make this happen in the movie.
• If you do not pay the FX team, they will take their toys back and leave your motorcycles in the sand.
• Barry changes into some Buck Rogers in the 25th Century inspired clothes.
• We still cannot get over Edward Mulhare playing the same character as he played in Knight Rider.
• It’s a motorcycle film, should it be remade with Tom Cruise, middle tooth man?
• Coy and Vance
• Team America was based on Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s love for Megaforce.
• One of the director’s first jobs was on Skidoo, another Film Frown movie.
• Introvision was used in UHF (a past Film Frown movie), Army of Darkness, Adventures in Babysitting, and Driving Mrs Daisy.
• The skydiving scene was not Introvision, but Zoptic.
• The deep dive into Geronimo!
• Sauron makes a guest appearance in the movie?
• Always remember Jacob’s hat is like a shark fin.
• The original Adama, Lorne Green sells dog food.
• More interesting than Megaforce is Spock’s Brain on VHS.

Remember when you see someone wearing Spandex shout “BOSTWICK!” Thanks for listening! Stay tuned for more bad movies and if you want to help us pay for our website hosting, and now the Zoom subscription, please see our Saucey Patreon.

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So the key to getting a Neil Breen film means going to the source. In keeping with our spy movie season, we followed the instructions on the site that said, “If you want a film other than Fateful Findings add the title to the comments section.” We asked for Double Down and paid the man for the DVD. Here we are reviewing what came in the mail, Fateful Findings. We were joined by Jen and Arden, reuniting the Masters of the Universe crew. “Basically the movie is so bad that when there is some clarity, it sticks out to you,” says Jen. Arden says, “If it wasn’t for Film Frown, I never would have been exposed to stuff like this. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.”

• Lamenting that we didn’t just watch Supergirl again.

• If you need a Fateful Findings drinking game, it’s here.

• Is Breen the next Tommy Wiseau?

• We are all so confused. Even a movie called The Never Ending Story has a plot!

• Paul recommends you watch the film on 1.2 speed and Arden said he kept fast forwarding 15 seconds and nothing changed.

• Where did these sounds come from? Lord of the Rings or Star Trek IV.

• We share how uncomfortable we feel for the other actors in the movie when Neil is undressing them. If you were in the film, you can find help here.

• The hospital scene confounds us. A breathing apparatus over the bandages, carpet, and a stretcher that would look old on Marcus Welby, M.D..

• Doing show notes is hard when I’m laughing. Did I miss something?

• Neil Breen’s character can do magic if you don’t watch him. It’s like the Invisible Boy from Mystery Men.

• Neil Breen does product placement for Hefty?

• Jen points out all the production companies listed see the bottom in the credits are actually Neil Breen.

• Chris offends Starman.

• Chris reads Neil Breen’s official summary of the film to see if this is the movie they watched.

• We talk about continuity. It’s important and completely missing here.

• Jen struggles to compare The Room to Fateful Findings.

• Paul calls the film “a Vine but longer.”

• While Paul and our guests are not to sure about labeling this as so bad it is good, Chris wants the film to become the traditional graduation gift for students. Jen thinks this could be an excellent De Beers-like conspiracy.

• Arden had to stop watching the film and cleanse his palate with The Toys That Made Us.

• Oh my, Jen throws down the gauntlet and says her most hated film is Lucy.

• Arden feared she was going to say, Now You See Me 2.

• Jen says American Psycho did the plastic room better.

The first rule of Hefty room is? Thanks for listening! Thank you to Arden and Jen for joining us.

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Our season of spy films continues with this very strange parody. It’s 1967 and those Bond movies are making money, let’s jump in on that. Well, the first thing we need is a Connery. Hey, Sean Connery has a brother. Let’s call him? Does he act? Does it matter? Our friend Jacob Cook returns for this episode and we’re wondering if he’ll ever return. This is a bad, bad movie. As Paul says, “The main character’s super power is knowing what the hell is going on.”

• The film was originally titled, Operation Kid Brother, but in some releases it is called OK Connery because they just gave up on trying to be clever.
• What’s in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction may be a better discussion than this particular film.
• According to Wikipedia, the Moneypenny actress made more money for this than all the other Bond films.
• The Italian Dudley Moore? It’s Alvaro Vitali. And he’s not in this film, or it might be funny.
• Jacob compares this film to the last parody we watched with him, Our Man Flint.
• Neil Connery was a plasterer and an affordable Connery.
• Our hero practices the secret Tibetan art of hypnosis. Paul wonders if it is related to Calgon.
• Chris confuses Terrence Mann with Terrence Malick. We here at Film Frown apologize for this mistake, Mr. Mann. We love Critters and do not enjoy the sleepy films of Malick.
• Seeing the portable projector in the film, Chris says he’s 5 years sober from his addiction to woot!.
• Jacob quotes Insane Clown Posse for the first time in his life we’re guessing. “Magnet’s, how do they work?”
• The crime syndicate is Thanatos, not Thanos.
• While Paul says the music in the film is overpowering, Jacob points out that it was made by famous composer Ennio Moricone.
• Let’s avoid getting in trouble with copyright, but we’ll have a line referencing Ian Fleming. It confuses us all and we discuss this a lot.
• “Pull the levers!” is this movie’s “Blankets!”
• Curiously, United Artists released this film and the Bond films.
• So did they reuse the outfits in Starcrash?
• So in this film, Neil Connery is Scottish and does not, at all, sound like it. In Highlander his brother plays a Spanish character and does not, at all, sound like it.

Thanks for listening! Thanks to Jacob for watching this atrocious film and teaching us the Dolph Lundgren nipple tolerance theory. Next up, a Neil Breen film.

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Spy season continues with Weng Weng, international little person of mystery. A parody of the Bond franchise, For Y’ur Height Only brings us quick and dirty filmmaking and a script that just gives up at some point. “Hey, it’s a parody, do we need to explain this or that? Nah.” This week we’re joined by friend and regular Arden to talk about this Filipino martial artist, his film, bad edits, repetitive music, awful stunts, worse dialogue, and nipples.

• Show notes usually contain references to characters, people, films, or jokes we make about the movie we’re reviewing. There’s not a lot of notes for this film because it is just BONKERS. Arden, Paul, and Chris are lost in the script by Cora Caballas or the dubbing possibly done by Dick Randall.
• We learn that Verne Troyer was actually shorter than Weng Weng.
• Arden continues to drop history on us as we discuss Weng Weng’s ties to his karaoke buddy Imelda Marcos.
• The John Woo slide.
• We have to apologize for the all the talk about peperoni nipples this season. This film and Masters of the Universe had lengthy scenes of men without their shirts on. There’s no shame in nipples or shirtless men or podcasts, right?
• Sadly, Arden that is not Cesar Romero in this Filipino film.
• Hey, my dialogue needs something extra. What can I do? How about a nursery rhyme? So there’s actual dialogue in the film from Rub-a-dub-dub in a gangster scene about drugs?
• Weng Weng will Have a Coke and a Smile.
• Is it a Manila Coke or the evil New Coke?
• Look at me, I’m Mary Frickin’ Poppins, y’all!
• The best James Bond film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, starring George Lazenby is referenced in Erma’s death.
• So, it’s bad. Can we watch another one though? D’Wild Wild Weng?
• Paul wants to know if the thumb-high-five is a cultural thing we don’t understand or a Tim Cook and Bono awkward moment.
• Chris shares the story of why Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter has never been on the podcast.
• What about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?
• A film that was successful as parody of a cult classic and has become a cult classic itself is Black Dynamite.
• Michael Jai White’s next cult send up that is coming out is called The Outlaw Johnny Black.
• Random Lou Diamond Phillips reference.
• Paul’s favorite movie of the season is still Masters of the Universe.

Thanks for listening to our mouth sound effects and we send you all virtual thumb touches. Until next time.

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A dancing, swinging, good time on this episode because Chris has quit the synopsis. So guests Jacob & Sean dive right into this film to talk Mormon spies, a harp as a weapon, the distinct varieties of bouillabaisse, and the island of misfit Canadians.

• In this film the title character is played by James Coburn who is playing Flint as Spock.
• Paul adds that this is Spock in the love planet episode.
• Sean says this film is way better than Murderer’s Row, the last film we asked him to watch.
• It has happened, we broke Jacob with Our Man Flint.
• The sequel to this film is Austin Power’s favorite film.
• Chris is waiting for the future these 60s films promised. Where are the pneumatic tubes?
• The organization bent on taking over the world reminds Jacob of E.V.I.L. from Spongebob Squarepants. Also, who knew there was a SpongePedia?
• “To the computer!” Everyone ran to UNIVAC or more precisely the women who program it, Hidden Figures for real. Well, in a movie from the time.
• Flint can do anything! A kick ass Jesus figure. Remember when we watched UHF? Here’s a trailer from that film for Gandhi II.
• The “incredulous” claim that this movie is the basis for Rain Man.
• An Automan reference that only Chris gets.
• Every movie needs a Hans Gruber?
• It’s Devon from Knight Rider playing Devon in this film, but he’s a bad guy? Bland villain is bland.
• The supervisor programming women to be “pleasure units” is Mr. Whipple? Say it isn’t so!
• This movie was premiered in Jamaica and reviewer Pauline Kael thought that was the only reason this movie received positive reviews.
• Not going to lie, Jacob is obsessed with Jodorowsky. He always brings up The Holy Mountain. Is he challenging us to watch this?
• Obviously Zardoz stole the “programming” scene from Our Man Flint.
• BLANKETS!
• Darwin Deez has this music video made entirely from stock footage. Directed by Keith Schofield.
• Sets, logos, and other designs from this film are used in the TV show Land of the Giants.

Thanks for listening! This was a tremendous amount of fun thanks to Jacob and Sean. Check out Jacob on Twitter or his Slowne.ws. You can find Sean on Twitter and read his musings on open source and decentralization projects over at We Distribute.

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Paul & Chris fill another request from our friend, and guest Daniel J. Hogan. Joining us on our quest to save Castle Grayskull are Arden and Jen. On this show we decide Superman hates whales. We puzzle over He-Man carrying a rifle. Sweat-filled boots make choreography difficult. This episode is 16 milliparsecs long, or something.

• Intros done in a bad commercials from the past style.
• Here come the 80s via Dan, “Where’s the beef?”, Reaganomics, and “Just Say No” with Clint Eastwood.
• This episode’s film stars Dolph Lundgren “and his nipples.”
• What’s Frank Langella doing in this picture?
• Oh hey! It’s the principal from Back to the Future, actor James Tolkan. He’s from Michigan like our hosts, slacker!
• Other stars are Meg Foster from They Live! Courteney Cox, Tom Paris from Star Trek: Voyager, Robert Duncan McNeill and our favorite Billy Barty.
• Dan tells us how DC’s New Gods may have influenced the film.
• What no sequel? No worries, we’ll just tweak the script. This is how we got the Van Damme film Cyborg.
• Arden was all about the character Teela because actress Chelsea Field was a Solid Gold dancer.
• Let’s forget about this awful film and watch The Toys That Made Us or Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films.
• He-Man is not allowed to kill people. So, we get to see storm troopers and lasers instead of swordplay or scary Legend characters.
• Is the slippery nipple named after Dolph?
• Speaking of our star, he is ACTING!
• Dan points out that Courteney Cox’s character is going to leave their small town and move to Jersey. He wonders if this is a Dancing in the Dark reference.
• Snap has the power, not He-Man.
• Here comes a She-Ra reboot by Noelle Stevenson of Lumberjanes fame.
• Synth music is the key to the universe! We know because we’ve watched a better movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
• Oh no, Paul gets into his Southern lawyer, chauvinistic robot voice from our Starcrash episode.
• Skeletor has THE GLOW.
• Paul’s comment about “laser nipples” reminds Chris, about a certain music video. Yup, save yourself some time and watch this music video, it’s basically a 3 minute version of the film.
• The robots swear in Transformers The Movie.
• Avoid the Noid! Dan tells us the actor who played Saurod was the Noid.
• Pons Maar, the Noid, was also a puppeteer for Dinosaurs, a favorite for some on our panel.

That’s it for this episode, each of our wonderful guests put on their space thongs and rode off on their hover boards. Thanks to Jen, Dan, and Arden for such a fun time. And we’re grateful that you took the time to listen. Good Journey!

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Friend of the show and the intelligence behind Clattertron and Foxes & Boxes, Daniel J. Hogan suggested this week’s film. Surely he’s chose it out of some sort of patriotism because it stars the commander in chief, Ronald Reagan. Oh, it also stars a chimpanzee. Pet Sounds Radio host Sarah Hoyles kindly joined us as well. We didn’t learn until the day of the show that she rarely watches films with animals! It was a pleasure to see things from her perspective. We hope you’ll listen to learn more.

• Don’t worry if you’re falling from an 8 story building, the Browder Life Safety Net will certainly break you in much more interesting way than the ground.
• Sarah reminds us of The Bear. Sorry for the spoilers, but it is 30 years old.
• Let’s not hurt animals in film Leonardo DiCaprio.
• Who is the moustached character in the photo? Is it Rappin’ Ronnie?
• Our show is not brought to you by 23andMe. Instead, we’re funded by listeners like yourself. And our moms.
• Chris thinks this film is a precursor to Three’s Company.
• Meanwhile, Dan points out that it may actually be the predecessor to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
• Bonzo is to be sold! What? Can’t we make money in the Iran-Contra affair instead?
• Chris steals a joke from Noises Off and it gets awkward.
• Dan reminds us, as does the film, to study our Freud.
• There’s a sequel? Oh no, Bonzo Goes to College.
• Bonzo was played by Peggy the chimpanzee. There’s a nice page here on this beautiful creature.
• Dan shares this wisdom from actor Dick Miller, if a chimp gets aggressive, bite him. He heard this story on another podcast, but their archives are behind a paywall.
• Tippi Hedren, the mom of Melanie Griffith, founded The Roar Foundation to provide sanctuary for mistreated exotic animals, educate the public and advocate for legislation.
• The insane trailer for Tippi Hedren’s film Roar. As it states, no animals were harmed in making the film but 70 of the cast and crew were.
• The 80s film that was far more than teenage angst, Project X, with Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt.
• Movies from the past are an insight to the culture of their time. Eww, that Elivs film we watched.
• Can’t stop, won’t stop watching Leave It to Beaver.
• Dan suggests a few podcasts, Star Wars Minute, The Dollop, and The Adventure Zone.
• Congrats to our guest Sarah for joining the Entertainment One podcast network!

Thanks to you for listening! You can find us wherever you get your podcasts, Google, Apple, or your favorite apps. Be sure to check out the amazing Pet Sounds, we guarantee you’ll love it! You can find Sarah Hoyles on a number of social networks. Also, find our friend Daniel J. Hogan’s work on Clattertron.com. Again, he’s on a number of sites, just follow the previous link. And remember, never give or sell your chimps to Yale.

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You’ve heard of Bond, but what about Matt Helms? When your friends start taking the Bond movies in a direction you don’t like, you go out and buy the rights to another spy novel, of course. Dean Martin plays the hero in this drunken series of a spy films. They’re like spy film lite. Sean Tilley joins us to talk 8th grade biology, quitting villainy to make toy models, and Bond’s alcoholism problem. Join us in our hovercraft with projected scenes in the windows as we get saucy with Dean Martin.

• Oh look, a misogynist trailer for the film!
• A A Ron!
• Sirius Stuff was falsely arrested before they actually caught Sirius Black.
• Murderers’ Row is the second film in the series, the first was The Silencers.
• This film and You Only Live Twice largely influenced Austin Powers.
• Is this a comedy? Paul says at least he knew Doctor Goldfoot and His Bikini Machine was.
• Sean believes the B.I.G.O. headquarters is something from The Holy Mountain. While Paul thinks set pieces are borrowed from Forbidden Planet.
• “Juicero tried.”
• We get a lesson in Mod.
• Oh hey, Dean Martin’s character “dies” just like Bond in the last movie we watched, You Only Live Twice.
• The bad jokes abound so much that characters seemingly ignore Dean Martin like he’s Al from Quantum Leap.
• Is Karl Malden your Pollyanna villain or Chris’ Jack Klugman.
• Hey, when your dad’s the star of the film you can get your band, Dino, Desi & Billy in the picture.
• Dean Martin’s blocking during scenes, when he’s not talking, is basically the male gaze.
• Ironhead is actually Bender? He blows fire!
• The dancing style has confused us all, including Dean Martin.
• The parade float dress made of flowers with, yet another crazy, crazy dancing scene.
• Is Ironhead Inspector Gadget, perhaps?
• A Knight Rider reference? Yes please.
• Chris shares his love for Mom and Dad Save the World. Behold the light grenade!
• Why do we like Dean Martin more in Cannonball Run?
• Sean thinks this bad film is no The Room.
• Is it Mike Myers or Michael Myers, we always get those two deadpan comedians confused.

That was it for go-go dancing bombs and rat pack references. Thank you for listening and thanks to Sean Tilley for watching this film with us. Will he be back in Our Man Flint?

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Like James Bond in this 1967 film, we’re back from the dead. As Chris returns from a mental health break, he challenges his sanity and that of Paul and guest, Arturo. This lack luster Bond film is so bad that even Connery vowed to quit afterwards. Should you be brave enough to watch the 007 film yourself, here’s a list of available sources. Or, Arturo says fly to Mexico and buy a copy of the film from Roger Moore and Sean Connery in a supermarket. Just watch out for the trap doors.

• Child author Roald Dahl wrote the script. As Paul said, “That explains a lot about this film.”
• Arturo was on our Montreal Sauce Halloween special.
• The James Bond Formula is a thing.
• Pervy Chris admits that his favorite Bond was George Lazenby in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
• Paul wants to cut the beginning of this film together with Gravity, or to have the astronaut pull an Iron Man like Mark Whatney.
• Space is dark according to this movie and The Expanse books.
• Did you know there is an Outer Space Treaty?
• The first scene with Bond has an amazing mix of racism & misogyny to truly disgust you.
• Did you know there’s a movie cars database? Sure there is and this is the 2000GT Aki drives.
• The Rock’s grandfather plays a henchman who Bond beats awkwardly with a couch.
• Arturo’s opinion that Bond drinks too much on the job has validity.
• Bond hits the chair like Riker.
• Does Connery play Bond in Zardoz.
• Paul does his Connery impression and Chris tries using Connery’s line from Dragonheart, but he sounds more like Brian Blessed.
• Little Nellie was an actual production model helicopter, the Wallis Autogyro.
• So are all the henchmen evil and it’s okay that they die? It’s the Clerks debate.
• Dr. Claw must be inspired by this film.
• Ninja school didn’t have a pommel horse for the Gymkata.
• So the “rocket guns” in the film are a real thing. They were stoked to have their product in the film. Too bad it was a terrible invention.
• Connery becomes Spock? Oh, no. It is much worse than that.
• When swimming from an exploding volcano hideout, you need a hat like a shark fin.
• Who will be the next Bond? Arturo says maybe Michael Fassbender.
• Paul compares Bond to Kirk from Star Trek. They are from a similar period and are a similar archetype.
• Arturo and Paul now want to watch a good Bond film, GoldenEye.

Thanks for listening to a lengthy show! Thanks to Arturo for joining us. Perhaps he should do the recap instead of Chris? His impression of Roald Dahl pitching the film is much shorter and hilarious. Stay tuned for more spy shenanigans this season. Up next is Dean Martin as Matt Helms in Murderer’s Row.

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