YES WE CANADA The Progressives Guide to Getting the Fuck Out - Season Three

Up here in Canada, we’re not worried that someone will shoot us in a fit of road rage if we give 'em the finger after they cut us off while driving. We’re polite, we don’t give people the finger.  Road rage Canadian style is more …like this:

  “go…after you, no, no I insist, please, really, I couldn’t, go! you fuckin’ asshole!  

 In fact, our whole system of measurement is different than yours. And you’re going to love this, because if you weigh 145 pounds in American, cross the border with your landed immigrant card and boom you will be a mere 65.77 kilograms in Canadian…I can feel that fat melting away and those abs just a poppin’!  

 You will have to learn our system of measurement – it’s called metrication and it can lead to blindness and hair growing on your palms.  

When you look at real estate listings in New York City you can find a crime profile of the neighbourhood. It’s a Google map and when you click on the crime icon, the areas in the hood that have criminal activity turn orange. It’s like the opposite of the “local amenities” listing. Instead of three pharmacies, a dry cleaner and a pet shop, you get two drunk and dis-orderlies, three B&E’s and a domestic.  

Since you are moving to Canada, The Yes We Canada Podcast is delighted to offer you the crime profile of your new neighbourhood, downtown Canada. 

When you look at real estate listings in New York City you can find a crime profile of the neighbourhood. It’s a Google map and when you click on the crime icon, the areas in the hood that have criminal activity turn orange. It’s like the opposite of the “local amenities” listing. Instead of three pharmacies, a dry cleaner and a pet shop, you get two drunk and dis-orderlies, three B&E’s and a domestic.  

Since you are moving to Canada, The Yes We Canada Podcast is delighted to offer you the crime profile of your new neighbourhood, downtown Canada. 

A province is like a state but with more power and fewer rednecks. But in our country,  the province of Quebec is actually “the founding French nation” of Canada, which is why it gets its own very podcast.

As the only French speaking province in Canada, the government of Quebec has greater control over what are considered federal jurisdictions in other provinces like immigration, taxation and employment. Francophone Quebecers are  tiny island of eight million French speakers surrounded by a sea of 360 million people in North America who speak English as their principal language.

So, keeping Quebec French is very important and a  huge challenge.  Therefore, Quebec’s immigration policy gives priority to French speaking immigrants and yes, we know that as an American exceptionalist, you are comfortable with having “priority” in every  thing you do, but even though you know how to say“bonjour”,  "oui" and “voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” I think it’s gonna take a little more than that to get you into Quebec as a French speaking immigrant. Désolé.

But because Yes We Canada is a public service, we give you a free hack on how to move to Quebec with only the french noted above!  Bienvenue! Uh, that means welcome. 

A province is like a state but with more power and fewer rednecks. But in our country,  the province of Quebec is actually “the founding French nation” of Canada, which is why it gets its own very podcast.

As the only French speaking province in Canada, the government of Quebec has greater control over what are considered federal jurisdictions in other provinces like immigration, taxation and employment. Francophone Quebecers are  tiny island of eight million French speakers surrounded by a sea of 360 million people in North America who speak English as their principal language.

So, keeping Quebec French is very important and a  huge challenge.  Therefore, Quebec’s immigration policy gives priority to French speaking immigrants and yes, we know that as an American exceptionalist, you are comfortable with having “priority” in every  thing you do, but even though you know how to say“bonjour”,  "oui" and “voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” I think it’s gonna take a little more than that to get you into Quebec as a French speaking immigrant. Désolé.

But because Yes We Canada is a public service, we give you a free hack on how to move to Quebec with only the french noted above!  Bienvenue! Uh, that means welcome. 

In America your merchant class was idolized as self-made, uh, “men”… in Canada merchants were seen as lowly “vendors”. Serving a customer was not regarded as a noble pursuit. We do it and sometimes with a smile and sometimes with excellent results, whatever, I can’t be bothered finishing this sentence. 

In Canada, service may sometimes come with a smile, but more often it comes with  a mild-mannered indifference, bordering on passive aggressive, insubordination.

Don’t get me wrong, people are very friendly and known for their hospitality in Canada. In fact, there was  a wonderful hit musical running on Broadway before Covid shut all that down, about how incredibly hospitable we are.  “Come From Away” tells the story of Gander, Newfoundland when the town opened up their homes and community to accommodate  6000 grounded airline passengers, who were forced to spend September 11, 12, and 13th 2001in Gander after American airspace was shut down for everyone except a few members of the Bin Ladin family, who I guess had business class tickets or something.   

In America your merchant class was idolized as self-made, uh, “men”… in Canada merchants were seen as lowly “vendors”. Serving a customer was not regarded as a noble pursuit. We do it and sometimes with a smile and sometimes with excellent results, whatever, I can’t be bothered finishing this sentence. 

In Canada, service may sometimes come with a smile, but more often it comes with  a mild-mannered indifference, bordering on passive aggressive, insubordination.

Don’t get me wrong, people are very friendly and known for their hospitality in Canada. In fact, there was  a wonderful hit musical running on Broadway before Covid shut all that down, about how incredibly hospitable we are.  “Come From Away” tells the story of Gander, Newfoundland when the town opened up their homes and community to accommodate  6000 grounded airline passengers, who were forced to spend September 11, 12, and 13th 2001in Gander after American airspace was shut down for everyone except a few members of the Bin Ladin family, who I guess had business class tickets or something.   

 Canada was the final destination of the Underground Railroad. We didn’t write poems about accepting someone’s huddled masses, we just did it, often quite reluctantly. Up here, we like our racism discreet and polite.

If you are a person of colour, and please note how it is spelled up here,  c-o-l-o-u-r … vowels are less expensive in Canada,  the chance of being called a racially demeaning phrase to your face is remote… you just won’t get the job, the apartment, the raise, the gig…

You think you're moving to a non racist country, but you're not. 

 Canada was the final destination of the Underground Railroad. We didn’t write poems about accepting someone’s huddled masses, we just did it, often quite reluctantly. Up here, we like our racism discreet and polite.

If you are a person of colour, and please note how it is spelled up here,  c-o-l-o-u-r … vowels are less expensive in Canada,  the chance of being called a racially demeaning phrase to your face is remote… you just won’t get the job, the apartment, the raise, the gig…

You think you're moving to a non racist country, but you're not. 

Your founding fathers are “revolutionaries.” Our founding fathers are “anti–revolutionaries”. Your corporate motto is “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. Ours is “peace, order and good government”. And I ask, who would you rather party with under a bridge with a bottle of Jack?