We Don't Know Anything

 We Don't Know Anything roars back to life from quite literal death, aptly discussing zombies. We stagger mumbling and growling through the following topics:

--- Star Wars makes an immediate appearance.

--- "Oh, we're talking about Miami bath salts and eating a man's face!"

--- Splitting hairs about Miami stories vs. Florida stories.

--- "Florida Clue would be a really awesome game."

--- "...genetically modified alligators with laser beams on their heads..."

--- "This is now an alligator podcast." "I mean, it's always been a Gator podcast."

--- Cody mixes up "Will Smith vs infected zombies" and "Jesus vs demon-possessed man."

--- "I forget all that legal stuff," says the lawyer. Reassuring.

--- "I'm in favor of the police in general, uh, just not the Waldo police."

--- Speed limits on 301 out of Gainesville: "The speed limit is 35 and they are militant; 36 you're getting a ticket, 37 you're going to jail." "Forty: immediate execution."

--- Comparing knockoff naming with 'Galaxy Quest' and Law and Order: SVU's "Five Crazy."

--- "The number of shenanigans that happened in that apartment, um, you know, as far as, uh, you know, hopefully I'm still able to have children."

--- Extensive discussions of video game memories.

--- Audibly furious typing as Jamie coordinates how to end the episode and misses the actual topic. 

--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

WE'RE STILL ALIVE! After yet another lengthy hiatus, we return with no real plan, so because it's early August, we naturally discussed the upcoming college football season. Sorry, Barb! Among the topics in this super smooth and not at all awkward episode: ---Brandon reinventing our cold open by starting with his camera turned on, laying in bed. ---It takes 4 minutes just to do proper introductions for each of us, before which we manage to get on a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy tangent. ---Inevitable North Korea references. ---We are not worthy of how amazing Lane-Kiffin-to-Ole-Miss would be. ---We kick off our SEC East podcast by discussing the SEC West for about 10 minutes. Our brand may be meandering, but we're on brand, dangit. ---Tennessee hate. ---We play "Did this SEC quarterback have a higher or lower completion percentage than Austin Appleby in 2016?" ---Salty discussion of LSU. ---Illustrating Wayne's childlike stress watching 2016 LSU-Florida. ---Jamie going full homer and talking himself into a 5-7 Tennessee team. ---Never name your kids after Tennessee Volunteer stuff, unless you name them Five, And, and Seven. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

HEY THERE HI THERE HO THERE! Can we really call it a hiatus if we just seem to take months between every episode these days? Either way, the boys are back in town to bring rocket science down to earth - and by that, we mean instead of talking rocket science, we delve into such mysteries as: ---Cody prefers the Shutdown-Fullcast-esque introduction. ---Jamie's dad's rocket-scientist dad-joke. ---"This took a hard left turn real quick." -Brandon, not understanding how this podcast works, still. ---Guardians of the Galaxy references, including a hilariously coincidental pillow-pooping joke. ---"Bringing it back to rocket science for a brief, brief bit..." "Elon Musk!" ---This podcast has an elliptical orbit, in which we come really close to the intended topic before shooting way out into space again. ---Brandon's eco-friendly Unabomber phase, complete with a Tesla getaway car and solar panel roof, in the shade of the woods. ---This episode exists because Brandon wanted a sidebar about the Houston Rockets, but it took us so long to record this episode that they're out of the NBA playoffs. ---Our supposedly topical podcast keeps you up to date on current events, such as James Harden's Game 6 collapse and the Bow Wow Challenge. ---It takes Jamie until 39 minutes in to actually discuss rocket science. ---"I was totally wrong." -Brandon, surprising no one. ---Brandon gives a brief roundup of prices to get material to space, including an espresso machine and a gorilla suit. This results in discussing how terrible an actual live gorilla would be as an astronaut recruit. ---"Is Sears still open or did they close?" -Brandon, grasping extremely deep for topics in the waning minutes. ---Matt Damon, the original space pirate. ---Sorry we forgot to mention you, Steve from Paducah. It was a long hiatus... --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

After a long and unintended hiatus, your favorite podcast gets back to doing what it does best: talking about (and, alternately, NOT talking about...) topical subjects selected at random. And in this, our eighth installment, we contend with every podcast's worst nightmare - SPOTTY INTERNET SERVICE! In between DSL-fueled loss of audio, we bring you the following maritime musings: ---We kick things off by almost parodying a CFB podcast again, and then shout out to one of our most dedicated listeners, who wouldn't stand to hear another CFB podcast. ---Jamie forgets to do introductions, because we're really good at podcasting. ---Brandon hopes to win a podcast Grammy, presumably after creating said award. ---"SAIL!" ---"Not sure if you heard that, I'm just knocking pictures off my wall." ---Are we the first podcast to reference Jimmy Buffett, The Lonely Island, and old Christian hymns, all within about 5 minutes? ---"ROW THE BOAT!" ... Sorry for the CFB reference, Barb... ---The first audio outage for Jamie keeps him from steering Brandon away from a bad Titanic joke, and then he only makes it back to barely start explaining his absence before dropping out again. ---Probably our most magical unplanned moment to date, in which Jamie unknowingly stumbles upon the fact that the "chalupa" is named after a boat. ---Jamie's audio goes again shortly thereafter, proving to be like Voldemort: if you talk about it, bad things happen. ---Cody joins the "discussion roulette" when his laptop dies. ---"I'M TRYYIIIIING..." ---Brandon wants to kick his laziness by buying a boat that requires a lot of upkeep, which is sort of like getting married to save a rocky relationship. ---Brandon, the boat mooch: "I don't mind pitching in for gas, just don't make me clean it and, like, store it." ---"No more football!" "ROW THE BOAT!!!" --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

In this episode, We Don't Know Anything About Parody Podcasts. Brandon was sadly absent due to car trouble, so Cody and Jamie tackled the following topics in a passable-at-best impression of the Internet’s only college football podcast, the Shutdown Fullcast:

---“Gluttony is the grandest of American traditions.”

---Bo Jackson’s pronunciation skills on display, in which “rivalry week” becomes, roughly, “rabblerdyweeke.”

---Don’t hire Ed Orgeron as an assistant coach, because he will eventually replace you.

---“Lamar Jackson, what the hell?”

---Pitt 76, Syracuse 61 – a thrilling early-season matchup between ACC powerhouse basketball teams!

---Nick Saban discussing Florida being difficult to stop, and the only way this makes sense is if he means he can’t keep them from getting off the bus and making it physically to the field of play.

---Our pathetically awful attempt at listener questions, which was only saved via text by Jamie’s sister.

---Dragging out the Tom Herman drama throughout the episode, except Jamie screwed up and mentioned Texas early in the episode.

---Oh, just a couple of Gators hatin' on Joe Alleva.

---Notre Dame is 4-8!

--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

In this episode, We Don't Know Anything About Black Holes. The guys tackle the great mystery of black holes, orbiting around these notable conversational gravity wells: 

---The first spousal cameo, as Cody's wife coughs before we even get to our cold open. Fall is here, and so is the common cold!

---Spoiler alerts if you haven't seen Interstellar or Event Horizon, because how would we do a podcast about black holes without falling into repeated references to those movies?

---Corrective Neil deGrasse Tyson and how he would cast aspersions on us for basically everything we say on this podcast.

---Cody and Jamie's college apartment's steady supply of Yoohoo from their roommate Tim's grandmother.

---College football elbows its way in, as always, in the form of Florida's SEC title chances as Schrödinger's cat.

---[COUGH COUGH]

---Neil deGrasse Tyson returns to say, "Astrophysics isn't friendly."

---"So the universe uses 9mm."

---Brandon summarizes the plot of Interstellar, as Matthew McConaughey. Near the end of said summary, Brandon's audio goes into a black hole.

---Jamie goes absent due to a crying baby, suddenly we're talking about androgynous names, and he can't even defend himself from "Jamie - that's a name that goes both ways."

---Cody reveals the final result of the Louisville-Clemson game live on air. Yes, we missed out on an incredible college football game to record this episode BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU, OUR DEDICATED LISTENERS!

---Brandon's girlfriend, Lauren, becomes our first live listener, through our YouTube channel. You should try it, too!

--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

We Don't Know Anything welcomes its first guest, Wayne, to discuss the 2016 crop of starting quarterbacks in the SEC East. This is a valid topic, because no one really knows anything about most of these QBs anyway. Discussion topics include:

---more college stories, including Wayne Manor, our resident lawyer sharing experiences of losing a security deposit, and a surprisingly natural segue from discussions of mold right back into this year's SEC East QBs

---Josh Dobbs, alopecia's poster child

---Lane Kiffin's future prospects for head coaching being dependent on ADs' short memories

---A rundown of QBs who ran away from Will Muschamp and found more success, which included this gem: "I'm not sure I'm ready for Jeff Driskel, starting NFL quarterback."

---No one in the SEC East passes Spencer Hall's QB test of their name sounding just as good when read as "Last Name, First Name"

---Don't worry about that, Florida fans! Viva Rio Del Luke!

--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

This week, the fine gentlemen of We Don't Know Anything tackle the vast unknown that is cloning. Just kidding! They talk about everything except that, including:

---Jamie repays Cody by giving the third and final reveal of a last name

---Brandon creates an episode-long shtick in which he is accompanied by a clone named Anthony, which just so happens to be Brandon's middle name

---the awesomeness of Brian Scalabrine

---Pretty much the only actual discussion about cloning, which starts almost 20 minutes in, and only relates to Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

---"We're digressing..." "Are we?"

---Brandon and Jamie briefly accuse Cody of being Commander Cody, a clone from the Star Wars movie

---Brandon throws Anthony off a cliff, which is an interesting proposition in St. Pete.

---One true statement about Ryan Lochte: "Stephen Hawking he is not."

--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

We Don't Know Anything shamelessly panders to current events with this episode, focusing on the upcoming Olympics. Among the topics either directly, indirectly or not at all related to the Olympics:

---the story of a college friend who attempted to eat the equivalent of Michael Phelps' peak training caloric intake, solely in bananas (it didn't end well)

---the stellar patient care provided by the UF infirmary ("Here's some Gatorade!")

---the winter biathlon, which is basically making a sport out of a James Bond ski scene

---Steve Spurrier's return to UF as a consultant/ambassador for the football program (a solid 8-minute tangent)

---Jamie outing Cody with the second accidental reveal of a last name

---Brandon doesn't know anything about ending a podcast, which is why he tries to bridge to another topic as we end the recording

--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

The guys of We Don't Know Anything noticed a lot of people wandering around town staring at their cell phones, so we're back to discuss Pokémon Go. Some highlights:

---Brandon manages to botch his introduction again, with the first accidental reveal of a last name

---Cody breaks our rule of not knowing anything about the subject matter, revealed when he catches a wild Zubat live during the episode

---Jamie tried to know something about Pokémon Go, but his phone saved him from his own addictive tendencies

---Cody's highly minimalist approach to playing the game

---Pokémon alter egos for college football teams, done much better by SBNation than we could have hoped to do

--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app