You Can Mentor: A Christian Mentoring Podcast

Faithfulness over Fruitfulness

Early on in my mentoring journey, I thought mentoring was like a math equation.

A + B = C

If I showed up + Gave them some wisdom = Growth in my mentee

If I’m being honest, in my naivite, I thought my presence would solve all of my mentees issues.

I thought, because of me, my mentee would improve academically.

They would grow spiritually.

It was only a matter of time before they became their best self.

But what happened when my mentee didn’t grow as fast as I thought they should? How would bad grades or negative behaviors affect our relationship? How would I respond when my mentee didn’t seem to care about what I had to say?

My friends Kyle and Mary mentored twelve kids when they were first married. They started with this group of young men when they were in junior high and continued to meet with them every Sunday until they graduated high school.

For years, they invested a ton into these young men, and the young men were extremely grateful for their hospitality, wisdom, and guidance. Except for one young man.

11 of the boys said thank you every week. 1 did not.

11 of the boys said the group changed their life. 1 did not.

11 of the boys grew academically and spiritually. 1 did not.

When the group game to an end, Kyle and Mary looked at each other and said “We sure did make a difference in 11 of the boys lives. Too bad we couldn’t reach that 1 boy.”

Fast forward about 20 years and Kyle is filling up with gas one afternoon. He sees a random man in his late thirties walking up to him. The man leans up against Kyle’s car and says:

“Excuse me. Is your name Kyle?”

Kyle says “Yes. Can I help you?”

The young man says “You probably don’t remember me, but I just wanted to say thank you. I sat in your house every Sunday night for years and didn’t say a word. I’m now a husband and a father and everything I know about leading my family I learned by being in your small group. I couldn’t say it then, but here my say it now. Thank you.”

And he walked off.

It was that 1 young man.

For decades, my friends thought that they had missed it with that young man. Because they focused on the fruit and what they could see in that young man, they thought they had failed. But the Lord had other plans.

Here’s the lesson:

So often in mentoring, we want to focus on the fruit of our efforts with our mentee. When the fruit doesn’t come, we can get discouraged. And when we get discouraged, often times we don’t show up as often and we even consider quitting.

We all want to see fruit.

We want to see our mentees mature.

Get good grades.

Come to faith.

Make good decisions.

But we can’t control that. All that we can control is being faithful. God’s in chatge of the rest.

You be faithful to show up, to encourage, and to listen. Be faithful to give them an example of Jesus everytime they see you. Be faithful to pray. To champion. To love unconditionally.

You toss the seeds. God causes the growth in his perfect timing. This takes a remarkable amount of faith, but we have to trust that God has a plan for your mentee and that he loves them more than we do.

In 1 Corinthians 3:6, Paul says “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.

You may toss the seed, water the seed, and watch it grow. But often times, you play a part in the story of your mentee. You may toss the seed, but someone else may water it. And that’s ok.

Your mentee may rapidly improve and you may see fruit. Or, just like that one kid, you may not see any fruit and it may feel like a waste of time. But you never know what the Lord is doing underneath the hood. Often times, more is happening than we think.

In mentoring, focus on what you can control. Focus on being faithful, instead of being fruitful.

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-IPC is a tool to help us understand our mentee (and ourselves)

Identity is WHO WE ARE

Purpose is WHAT WE DO

Community is HOW WE BLESS AND ARE BLESSED BY OTHERS

I want to paint a mental picture for you on the canvas of your mind: Imagine our IDENTITY in Christ being a firm foundation. The bedrock that Jesus talks about when he mentions the wise builder who built their house on rock instead of sand.

We should always consider our identity as being firmly rooted like the foundation of the Golden Gate Bridge that runs over 100 feet deep down into bedrock to sustain the wind, ocean currents, and incredible weight of its load.

Our IDENTITY in Christ is forever. Our foundation should be unwavering. It is the perfect support for the actions of our PURPOSE. So, if identity is the foundation, purpose is the dwelling built upon it! It is the construction of our life’s walls and roof. If we have a high sense of identity but no practice of our purpose, what good does it do anyone? A slab is not a house!

In the Bible, James tells us that forgetting our PURPOSE is like walking away from a mirror and forgetting what our face looks like. We must be DOERS of the word. James 1:22-25

So, our purpose is the house built on the foundation of our lives. Our community is who dwells inside! Your purpose is meant to be fleshed out with the people who make up your community. It is building a house and inviting people inside it!

Who makes up your community? Are they people who reinforce your identity and purpose or do they distract you from living out who you are in Christ?

COMMUNITY is powerful. It’s why we encourage our mentees to surround themselves with healthy and positive people who will be an encouragement. It’s why we invite them to church and why we meet with them every week to chat and pray together.

Christians are not called to exit general culture for the sake of their own holiness. If that were true, no one would hear the Gospel because there would be no one to preach it! However, our mentees should be mindful about who they let into their close “community” as they will be impacted by them. As people, we rub off on each other!

Encourage your mentee to be a light in the darkness but also remain in community with those who love Jesus and have a true sense of who they are and why they’re here!

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com

-IPC is a tool to help us understand our mentee (and ourselves)

Identity is WHO WE ARE

Purpose is WHAT WE DO

Community is HOW WE BLESS AND ARE BLESSED BY OTHERS

King David had a high sense and value for HIS OWN identity, purpose, and community, therefore he was FREE to speak into and bless Mephibosheth’s IPC as well!

-Identity: David sits comfortably on his throne and yells Mephibosheth!

-Purpose: David gives Mephib’s rule over Saul’s kingdom and is not threatened

-Community: David invites Mephib to eat at his family’s table daily because he knows there’s enough food

Our PURPOSE is a direct result of our IDENTITY. How do I know what I’m supposed to do? It all starts with who I am!

One Friday morning I woke up went out to the garage and started working on some furniture for our living room. Fast forward to an hour later when I was sitting in the ER having nearly cut off my toe. The problem was rooted in using the wrong tools for the job and being ill-equipped for the potential dangers of the task. If I had a higher respect for what could happen, I wouldn’t have been wearing flip flops while using power tools in the garage.

There is always a danger in using a tool in a way that goes outside of its identity. Ever use a crescent wrench as a hammer (let’s be honest, we use everything as a hammer!) I once used a pocket knife to unsuccessfully pick a lock (yes I still have the scar on my finger). Ok, yes, I have a track record for confusing a tool’s identity with its intended purpose because I’m lazy and don’t wanna go get the right tool out of the toolbox!

When we respect and value our IDENTITY as children of God, we make better choices when considering our intended PURPOSE in life which is to worship and serve the Lord! That, in turn, gives us confidence to care for and speak into our mentees’ purpose.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com

-IPC is a tool to help us understand our mentee (and ourselves)

Identity is WHO WE ARE

Purpose is WHAT WE DO

Community is HOW WE BLESS AND ARE BLESSED BY OTHERS

King David had a high sense and value for HIS OWN identity, purpose, and community, therefore he was FREE to speak into and bless Mephibosheth’s IPC as well!

-Identity: David sits comfortably on his throne and yells Mephibosheth!

-Purpose: David gives Mephib’s rule over Saul’s kingdom and is not threatened

-Community: David invites Mephib to eat at his family’s table daily because he knows there’s enough food

“Reading” a mentee’s IPC will help you understand if she has a clear understanding of who she is in Christ, if she is living out her call, and if she is surrounding herself with the people who will help her be successful in her journey! This is huge!

There is ONE GOLDEN RULE when considering our Identity – it is FOREVER!

Many people confuse PURPOSE for IDENTITY. Try asking someone who they are. Often, they will tell you what they DO. “I’m a banker” “I play football” “I’m an artist” These things are good and often consume the majority of our waking hours. But, they are not our identity. They change over time. They can be taken away.

One thing we love about King David is his being “a man after God’s own heart.” When we understand that our one and only IDENTITY is being a child of God, we realize every other title in life is temporary and pales in comparison to the identity we have in Christ.

Romans 8:15-17 tells us we have “received the Spirit of adoption as sons (and daughters) and that the “Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs – heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ.”

This truth should result in a confidence that is palpable. How do we speak into the hearts and bless the lives of our mentors? By knowing we belong to God, who is our loving King and parent, forever! And that truth is not up for debate. It cannot be bought. It cannot be lost or burned up in a fire.

Our IDENTITY is in Christ and Christ alone!

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com

“IPC”

-IPC is a tool to help us understand our mentee (and ourselves)

-Identity, Purpose, and Community are three things we are presented with about King David in 2 Samuel 8.

-Identity: 2 Samuel tells us David was a mighty warrior and a shrewd leader.

-Purpose: Based on his being a warrior and leader, he was successful in battle and made smart leadership choices while subduing his enemy and growing his empire!

-Community: This chapter ends with a list of men David trusted to rule over aspects of his kingdom.

A quick summary: David is a fierce warrior (Identity). Therefore, he conquered the Philistines (Purpose). Joab was over David’s army (Community).

Identity is WHO WE ARE

Purpose is WHAT WE DO

Community is HOW WE BLESS AND ARE BLESSED BY OTHERS

As mentors, we know these are transferable. In 2 Samuel 9, David, having confidence in his own IPC is able to convey these qualities onto Jonathan’s son, Mephibosheth.

-Identity: David yells Mephibosheth!

-Purpose: David reinstates Mephib’s rule over Saul’s kingdom

-Community: David invites Mephib to eat at his family’s table daily

If this story from the OT is foreign, READ IT!

“Reading” a mentee’s IPC will help you understand if she has a clear understanding of who she is in Christ, if she is living out her call, and if she is surrounding herself with the people who will help her be successful in her journey!

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com

This Mentoring Minute deals with a really good question you can ask your mentee to start some high-quality conversation. Back in youth group, we would trace out somebody’s silhouette on a piece of butcher paper and have students fill in the space with what a Christian looks like. It was hilarious to watch the paper person come alive with a Christian bookstore t-shirt, a WWJD bracelet, multiple bibles and concordances in hand, other modest clothing and a John 3:16 sign with clown wig for the football games.

So we know by now that Christ-followers come in all shapes and sizes. But, there are three things we know about what a Christian needs to look like and they come from Jesus’ words in Mark 8:34. “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.”

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1. Denying yourself – Oh what a powerful trait for the Christian! To deny yourself is to know your cravings and comforts and anything that will keep you from God and saying NO to them. Self-denial is about sacrifice! It is a daily choice to forgo our own motives and actions for the Lord’s! To help your mentee understand this point, share what things you have denied yourself that have strengthened your faith.
2. Taking up our cross – The Cross of Christ is our call as well in life and I know that sounds heavy but we follow Jesus’ example when we realize our PURPOSE and live in obedience to what He has for us. We don’t take up a cross that offers salvation for others. We do take up a cross out of obedience to God so we can do the work He has planned for us. Be prepared to talk about specific crosses you have taken up in your faith journey.
3. Following Jesus – This is the best part. Imagine God telling us to deny ourselves, get to work on this earth for Him but then Him leaving us with no direction or guidance. We would be lost! But instead, Jesus says I have a plan and I will be revealing it to you as we walk through life together.

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It’s his PRESENCE in our lives that gives us the motivation to deny ourselves, the power to take up our cross, and the willingness to follow!

Be sure to make the connection with your mentee that it’s your hope to reflect Christ as a mentor. That as you follow Jesus and enjoy communion with him your prayer is that your mentee will follow him as well and have communion with Jesus and you as a mentor.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com

All of us are here today because of our relationship with “that person”. You know, the one who made a profound impact on your life. For me, a few men made me who I am today.

It was a man named Bob who invested into me when I was in college and helped me see my need for Jesus. It was a man named John who discipled me and taught me how to read the scriptures. It was a man named Steve who showed me the father heart of God and helped me overcome my fatherless past.

Who got you to where you are today? Who has invested into you?

Whether it was a parent, professor, coach, or someone else, all of us are who we are today because of the investment of others.

You are here today to learn how to invest into others. You could be “that person” for your future mentee.

There are million of kids today who could use a positive adult to come alongside them to support and love them. Some of our kids are dealing with some pretty tough challenges, such as fatherlessness, poverty, and abuse. Others could use another adult to comfort them during hard times and to pick them up when they fall down. We all could use as much encouragement as we can get.

We believe that is the job of a mentor:

• To make a disciple: “Follow me as a follow Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1
  • A disciple is a follower. You follow Christ and your mentee gets the opportunity follow you.
  • Kids will experience Jesus as they experience you. What an amazing opportunity to show them the love of Christ through your relationship. You get to teach them with your words and show them with your actions what it means to follow Jesus Christ.
  • The bible tells us to love God, love others, and make disciples.
  • You love God. Mentoring is an excellent way to love others. And you have the joy to disciple them by creating a relationship based on trust, grace, and truth.

• To fulfill potential: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
  • We want to be a support and guide as your mentee grows and matures. Our desire is to offer wisdom and instruction when they face obstacles in their journey. As they trek down this path of life, we are on the sidelines championing them. We have the opportunity to teach tangible skills, as well as how to navigate the emotional, mental, and relationsal twists and turns of life.

A mentor’s job description:

SHOW UP: Showing up is the most important thing you can do as a mentor. How do you build any successful relationship? You spend time with that person.You learn new things about them and you experience life with them. You make them feel important. You make them feel valued. You make them feel like you matter. And you do that by showing up.

BUILD UP: Our desire is for our mentors to speak truth into the lives of our mentee. We want our mentors to encourage our mentees with every word that comes out of their mouth. Our words matter. Our tone matters. Our facial expressions and body language matter. We want our Forerunners to know that their mentors are for them, no matter what.

SHARE JESUS: As a mentor, you cannot give away what you don’t have. More than anything, we want our mentees to love Jesus Christ with all of their hearts. They will learn how to do that by emulating you. We are not here to produce good men. We are here to produce followers of Christ.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com

We’ve all done it. We have said something like “Wow, Brian is the best. He is such a good kid.” You may think there’s not a thing wrong with that statement. But what about this one, “Geez. Brian is the worst. He is such a bad kid.” While we wouldn’t think to say that about or to a kid, we should at least recognize that both statements exist on the same spectrum of thought and action.

But what’s the worst part of thinking about someone (or something) as being bad? Well, bad things don’t go back to being good! Nothing in your refrigerator that goes bad gets good again, no matter how many Bible studies those cartons of milk attend!

There is a permanence to our thinking and words that we need to be extra careful of when it comes to how we speak to and about our mentees!

We know there is a lot at stake when we read James 3: “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

Here are three things to remember that will help us shore up the intentionality and shore up the effects of our words:

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1. Choose Your Words Wisely. Think before you speak. Remember that in some ways, your mentee is like a court reporter – remembering every word you say on the recorder in their brain. In other words: Know your audience! Realize the context! Read the room!
2. Your Intent is Hard to Measure. How many times have you had to say, “that wasn’t what I meant!” or “I was just joking.” Speaking of the courtroom once more, our intent is a very weak defense. It doesn’t matter what we meant to say, it only matters what our mentee heard!
3. Be Able to Say, “I’m Sorry.” This valuable reminder needs to be a part of every Mentoring Minute episode. Our mentees learn more about what it means to be a Christian during times of conflict and restoration than they do when times are easy, and everyone is friendly, and circumstances are optimal. Be transparent. Model a peacemaker mentality and approach to relationships.

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There is no such thing as a “bad” kid. There are, unfortunately, some very unhealthy kids out there who had to endure trauma or abuse and who lacked the basic care and attention that many of us enjoyed during our formative years. Let’s commit to loving our mentees well and remembering OUR WORDS MATTER.

Safety is the name of the game when it comes to mentoring. You always want to have safety on the mind when you are hanging out with your mentee. First priority is always to keep the child safe, but another aspect of safety is following rules and procedures so you stay above reproach and free of any possible accusation.

One of the best ways to keep everyone safe in the mentoring journey is called the rule of three. The rule of three means that there are always three parties involved when you are hanging out with your mentee. The third person can be a crowded place, a friend of yours or the mentee, or a member of your family or the mentee’s family.

In our organizations, the rule of three is something that we stress to every mentor, no matter age or experience. Of course we realize that, from time to time, you will be found alone with your mentee. Here are some tips to make those rare times more safe.

• Car ride: Perhaps you are picking them up for a car ride. If you find yourself in that position, it is vital that you let someone, either a parent or your mentoring organization, know when the mentee gets in the car with you and when you get to your desired location.
• Room: If you find yourself in a room alone with your mentee, make sure to let other people around know you are in there and keep the door open.
• Event: Try your hardest to get someone else to go with you. Whether it be a mentee’s friend or sibling or your own child, spouse, or friend.

If you ever find yourself in a situation that doesn’t seem safe, do whatever you can to get out of that situation immediately and communicate the situation with either the parent or the mentoring organization. We recommend never doing an overnight.

We understand that relational depth and capital are vital to an effective mentoring relationship, but we must pursue those things within the boundaries of a safe relationship. If you want to have a private talk, perhaps have it at a local park. If you need to have a hard conversation, try going for a walk around the neighborhood.

Yes, following safety guidelines will add some challenges to your mentoring relationship, just like stopping at a red light, wearing a seat belt, and driving the speed limit slow you down a bit. But they are vital to keep everyone safe.

The rule of three is a non-negotiable in any mentoring relationship I am a part of. When in doubt, over-communicate with a third party, especially a parent. We want to stay above reproach for all parties involved. The stakes are too high when it comes to the safety of your mentee.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com

In my line of work, I hear these three little words all the time. They come after I give something to someone usually or offer to help someone do something. My nonproof is based on Jesus’s words to his disciples: “Freely you’ve been given, freely give,” so I practice the act of remembering whatever I have is really God’s and not mine anyway.

WE’RE NOT CALLED TO DO THINGS HALF-HEARTED

When I hear someone ask, “are you sure?” it has less to do with their questioning my decisiveness or integrity and more to do with their processing a kindness. And that’s ok! But I still take a minute and usually say something like, “about ten years ago I stopped saying and doing things I wasn’t absolutely sure about!” And it’s true!

NO REGRETS!

What’s the best thing about being certain in what we do and say? We usually don’t regret our decisions. Making a choice/decision with all of who we are means we have considered the options and are comfortable moving forward. We’re not second-guessing ourselves, and there’s a wonderful freedom in that.

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3 STEPS TO PRACTICING CERTAINTY IN OUR DECISIONS AND MODELING IT FOR OUR MENTEES

1. Listen To Jesus. He said in Matthew 5 that we’re foolish to make oaths on anything in heaven, on earth, or even on ourselves because when did we get the power to even turn a hair white or black?? Jesus instructs us to be practical. Simply say “yes” and “no” and then do what we say we’re gonna do! That should be enough.
2. Wait a beat. Give yourself time and space when making a decision. Don’t let your mouth get out ahead of your brain. Pray about it! Think about it. Once you feel you can make a decision that all your faculties agree on, then say yes or no.
3. Remember you’re human. I very rarely go back on my word. But sometimes, I do! And man, I beat myself up about it. But when those times happen, I ask forgiveness from the person I’ve slighted. I try to make it up to them and finally, I give myself a break!

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There will be limitless opportunities for you to practice consistency and show integrity with your words and actions as you mentor someone. I hope you will make it a priority for your words to matter and that you will set a good example for this with your mentee. Isaiah 55:11 reminds us that every word that goes forth from God’s mouth does not return to him void. God does not make empty promises! If he has given you a word on something, you can trust him to make good on it. We can stand on God’s word. After all, his word is his bond!

Let’s stand on that. Let’s rest in that. Let’s reflect that by practicing consistency between what we do and say. Let’s model that for our mentee. Are you sure? Yes, I am.

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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!

Contact us at [email protected] or at www.youcanmentor.com