Fight Like a Mother

Creativity opens the closets, airs out the cellars and attics. It brings healing.

During this month of May which is mental health awareness month, i wanted to do something a bit differently. Talking about mental illness and bringing awareness can often feel heavy.

This year I wanted to focus on a few lighter, fun things that can greatly improve our mental health.

Our first topic this year is how Creativity can greatly improve our health, both physical and mental and how to can open up both sides of the brain and can bring healing and fun.

My guest is someone I have followed on Instagram for years, Lynn Muir. She has the account pocketful of paint and shares her creative pursuits and artwork on her account. I told Lynn it feels like her need to create is as strong as her need to breathe and she agreed. She makes beautiful artwork from pressed flowers, paints murals, gardens and hosts womens retreats where she teaches them to paint among other things.

Lynn shares she grew up with two creatives as parents who encouraged her to take risks, to make mistakes, to make messes and that creativity was a huge value in her home growing up.

Creating art has helped Lynn heal both physically and mentally from a devastating breast cancer diagnosis. She is the mom of 5 and encourages her kids to create and nurture their gifts and talents.

She talks about how working with your hands specifically can help our mental health, help our stress levels and bring joy and fulfillment into our lives.

You will love this episode and Lynn will inspire you to create and find your own way to express yourself.

Lynn's instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/pocketfulofpaint/?hl=en

https://www.instagram.com/pocketfulofpaint.studio/

Lynn's art website:

https://pocketfulofpaintstudio.com

This episode with Jill Freestone as a guest is part 2 of a series about when our children leave our faith tradition. What do we do as parents? How do we unpack some of the unhealthy narratives we've absorbed over the years about our role as parents in our kids faith journey? What things have been said over pulpits in years past that have made us feel like if we are just righteous enough our kids won't leave our religion?

This episode actually focuses heavily on some of the doctrine and cultural beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and how they have affected parents reactions to their children leaving the church for generations. How can we have healtheir responses and relationships with our children who leave? Why is nurturing and building that relationship so important?

What is our job as parents?

• to love, nurture, teach (not control outcome)

• to do our own internal work

• shift from a fear based relationship with God/ church to

  agency/love/ infinite grace and compassion/ eternal progression

• Honor agency and choice
• Focus on connection over control
• Respect boundaries
• Expand our perspective
• Recognize that just because we teach principles doesn't mean they will follow them

Most parents and kids are operating from a Fear and control based relationship with God themselves as well - NOT AGENCY

Do we believe in a compassionate grace filled God?

Do we believe in an infinite atonement and eternal progression?

When and where does God’s compassion and grace end?

• never

What do our Heavenly Parents really want for Their children?

• Growth and to practice love

Reteach grace and atonement

• This is essential as well as

Can we stop putting God in a box and truly trust God enough to take care of our children?

Your kids have a Savior and it's not you.

Teens and young adults questioning and pulling away from their parents is a health and normal part of development. Even older adult children who were never given the freedoms to question and experiment and pull away may do that often at midlife.

God is in relentless pursuit of us and eternal progression is the good news of the gospel and of jesus coming to earth to heal every single one of us.

This podcast episode is a bit of a shift from my normal mental health content, but I feel this topic is so vital for so many families today, I am seeing so many parents struggle. So many families are having shifts in religious beliefs within their families and it can be challenge for relationships that were often built upon those religious beliefs and values. Because our religious traditions and beliefs are rooted in the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints, we talk about our beliefs within that framework, but the principles apply to any relationship where beliefs differ.

Today's guest is none other than my oldest child Nathan. Nathan is one of my favorite people on earth. He is a deep thinker, kind, steady, funny and is such a pleasure to be around. Nathan served a 2 year mission for the LDS church to Washington. Within the last year or so Nathan's religious beliefs have shifted and he has chosen to walk away from the church and beliefs he was raised with. Nathan is one of my favorite people on earth and I cannot imagine not having a close realtionship with him even through this shift of belief for him.

We have been able to maintain and even improve our relationship with Nathan during this time even though we still participate in the church. It takes humility on both side, willingness to listen, opening our hearts and minds and respectful boundaries. For us as parents it has been vital to expand our faith and not see things in black and white.

When our religious beliefs are deeply rooted through generations (both my husband and i have pioneer ancestors who crossed the plains to Utah with the Mormon pioneers) and so much of your life is informed by the culture and traditions of that church, it can almost feel like a personal attack when your child steps away. The LDS church isn't just a church, it's a lifestyle and affects the very core of your identity. So we often get defensive and angry and hurt.

In this episode we have the hard conversations and talk about what it looks like to have a deep, loving, respectful relationship when our teen or young adult (or even grown adult) child leaves the church we beleive with every fiber of our being

I think we all know that life can be a bit bumpy, I think all of us hope that our life path looks maybe a bit rocky or bumpy, maybe a little rustic, but fairly flat, straight and really beautiful. So what happens when the life path actually looks more like hanging from a cliff from our fingertips? We are literally holding on for dear life. That's not what most of us expected in life!

Today's episode we are talking about grieving what happens when life looks vastly different than we expected. What grief might look like in your life and how to embrace the messy, uncomfortable and difficult emotions that surface.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the expert on grief, who created the 5 stages said, that grief is the healing process to get to comfort. What a profound statement and a perspective shift on grief. We must go through the often uncomfortable, painful process to heal and to find peace.

Ember Pilati is a life and relationships coach who loves lots of people who struggle with their mental health. She shares valuable tips and simple, actionable tips to care for yourself so you can care for your loved ones better.

She shares a framework of caring for our mind, body and soul and why each step is so vital to our own physical and mental health.

Gratitude is a practice that can change your entire outlook and how writing down what we are grateful for and SAVORING that gratitude can change our brain chemistry.

You will love this powerful episode with Ember's loving, powerful words.

You can connect with Ember here:

https://www.instagram.com/iamemberpilati

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/emerge-empowered-with-ember-pilati/id1543504663

http://emberpilati.com

Welcome to the fight, like your mother podcast. I'm so glad that you are here. I am sharing an episode today that I have been thinking about doing for a really long time. And I haven't done it because I wanted a therapist. Slash expert who knows a lot about this to come on and talk about it because I haven't felt qualified to do so. However lately it won't leave my brain.

And I've asked several therapists who said they don't feel qualified to come on and talk about it. So if they don't feel qualified, then.

I can do my own research and figure this out. So I know that I need to record this. Now, and it's interesting because I posted a instagram posts about this very topic and that eight Han of responses about it. And people who've wanted to learn more and have never heard about this. Or who have heard about it, but didn't know much about it.

So it is time now. Perhaps if I find the right person, , I will have another therapist and we'll do another episode on this particular topic, , to give some insights and things that I don't share. But I do have some valuable experience. And personal. Deeply personal things about this particular topic.

And I feel like it may be really valuable for lots of families, including my own actually.

So the topic I'm discussing today is about the siblings. Of kids with extra intense needs. , This can happen with physical health challenges. Mental health challenges. Kids with autism. There's a myriad of reasons why. , this. Particular thing can happen. It can actually even happen in like children of divorce. , and things like that.

So this applies to lots of families out there. , but let's, we're going to talk about it in regards to the sibling of.

The sibling of somebody who has intense mental health challenges. That's what we're, our focus is going to be today. But these principles apply to so many. So how does this in particular affect these kids? How do they feel about it? , are they overlooked? Do they have a voice, et cetera? And each of these questions are really valuable and important to think about as parents.

But I also don't want this to overwhelm you or shut you down as you're listening. And I don't want you to feel guilt or shame about this, that isn't the goal here. I don't want to give you more. To put on, you're already over loaded, overwhelmed to do list. And I certainly don't want to give you more to worry about. So in fact, I want you, as you go throughout listening to this episode, I want you to really, really be aware and notice your feelings that you're having.

Notice what pops up in your brain and how your body feels. And just notice those things. Don't judge yourself. And if you're noticing some hard emotions coming up, maybe take a break. Do some breathing. Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. And then turn it on again. Don't stop listening because you're feeling negative emotions because sometimes we need to sit in the discomfort.

There's a sign there. I'm going to bed. Okay. Good night.

In fact, during this episode, I want you to notice your feelings about what's coming up. Notice what pops up in your brain, how your body's feeling. And just notice, just be aware and don't judge yourself. If you're feeling a lot of discomfort.

That actually is okay. And if you need to take a break for a few minutes, Go do some breathing. Go nurture yourself. Go do that, but come back because discomfort doesn't mean we just stop. We can sit and deal with those uncomfortable feelings. And we can continue on. So the objective of my episode. Today is to bring voices and awareness to these kids.

Our kids. Who matter? And their feelings and their traa. And their voices matter. And I know you believe that because you are an awesome parent. You really are amazing. And you're overwhelmed and you're overworked and you don't have enough support.

But these kids deserve to be heard and validated and supported.

So did you know that there's actually a term. For the siblings of, uh, Extra needs special needs child. It's called a glass child. Some people call it an invisible child, but we're going to use the term glass child. And now it's not because they're fragile. In fact that are often viewed as extremely strong, extremely independent, extremely self-reliant. They're called the glass child because they often feel like they are see-through and invisible. To their parents and others. In fact. Today I heard of an experience where a mom went out to lunch with one of her kids.

This mom has an extra needs child. And the mom's friend and the mom's friend spent the whole time talking about the special needs child. And telling the other sibling how lucky they were to have her. And they were learning so much.

That child was see-through in that moment. That lunch needs to be about that particular child, not the special needs child. , these kids are often. Too strong. To responsible have to grow up too fast. And they are too good because they don't want to put any more burden on their parents because they see how overworked and overwhelmed their parents are. So last child syndrome, isn't a medical condition or even an official diagnosis. It's just a term often used to describe these unique challenges and strengths of the siblings of children with chronic illnesses. Disabilities mental illness, et cetera.

Glass children or siblings, they might this. Brother or sister of theirs might be. , Have different abilities. Has a serious physical or mental illness. And their behavior and their care. Takes a disproportionate amount of parental time, any emotion it takes away from the parents' ability to provide the necessary things for. The sibling. They tend to get emotionally neglected.

They often strive to be perfect. And problem-free because they're super sensitive to the needs of their sibling. And actually that sensitivity. And compassion. Is a strength that they will get from this experience in their life. And we're going to talk about the strengths later, but I just wanted to point that out. They often have to take on additional responsibility before they're mature enough to do it. Or they feel like they need to be perfect all the time to not cause more problems.

And so they become perfectionist, hypervigilant, et cetera.

, they often don't want to be as strong as they seem and often aren't that strong, but they put on kind of a strong face for their family.

They can be transparent to lots of people, including their parents, grandparents, teachers. Friends, et cetera. And a 2010 Ted talk speaker, Alicia arena, who was a glass child, herself due to a sibling with autism. Drew attention to this phenomenon that resonated with many. She said glass children take on these caretaker responsibilities, and naturally we are conditioned to not have problems.

We are supposed to be perfect. When someone asks us how we are doing the answer is always, I'm doing just fine. She said we're called glass show. Not because we're weak. But because sometimes we feel like people look straight through us as if we're made of glass. She continues. I didn't even know it was okay.

Not to be. Okay. You cannot take for granted the emotional health of your children. Every emotion that you feel. Whether it's pain. Or grief or anger, frustration, fear. Concern crisis of faith. If you are experiencing all of these as an adult, because of your special needs children. Your other children are feeling all of that too, but they have the coping skills of a child, not F an adult. So when you ask your healthy child, are you okay?

And they say, yes, mommy, I'm fine. Don't believe them. They are not fine. How can they be fine if they are experiencing what you are experiencing? And they are a child. So I think that's a really important perspective to have, they are seeing all the things you're seeing. They're experiencing all the things that you are experiencing. And imagine how hard it is for you as a grown person. It was a fully functioning brain. And yet they have the coping abilities as of a child. And so we often say, oh, kids are so resilient. They'll be fine.

Let's help them be resilient. By giving them the support that they need. So this issue is actually deeply personal to me. Because my husband was a glass child. , he didn't want to come on and talk about this personally, but he gave me permission to share a little bit about his experience. He grew up just 16 months younger than his older brother who had a significant congenital heart defect. From birth. Had multiple open-heart surgeries had multiple scares with death throughout. His lifetime. And my husband was a little brother, just a few months younger. His brother needed lots of support and medical attention. Through no fault of his own and he deserved and needed to get that right. I'm not discounting that he needed to get what he deserved.

And so did my husband. And he was often overlooked and, , was for sure a glass child. His parents are wonderful and did the very best that they could. But he grew up needing to be way more independent, not cause problems. , To be really self-reliant and resourceful. But little David. David is my husband. And even sometimes big David. Often felt or feels invisible on light glass. And he deserved. To have his needs met and have his voice heard. So that's why I'm sharing that now is because his story. As part of this family. And being that.

Little bit younger brother. His story also deserves to be heard.

So he has a very unique perspective on this with our own children. We have talked about this much in our own home. He is hyper aware of how our children are feeling. And to make sure that they are supported and loved and validated that we show up for them. Et cetera. So I asked him what advice he would give.

And he said,

Does your child have challenging and sometimes rebellious and unsafe behaviors that have you desperate for a resource? Are you feeling fearful and desperate? This podcast could be your answer.

Today my guest Jessi Stringham shares a resource for parents that is free and really amazing. It is a peer led support group that is extremely well organized and

From the Changes website: https://cpsn.org

Changes Parent Support Network was incorporated in December 1996 and groups officially started meeting in January 1997. We are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and are not affiliated with any other group or religious organization.

Members include Couples, Single Parents, Stepparents, Guardians, and Grandparents. The families we support have one or more acting-out children ranging in age from middle school to older adult children. Our program provides support and tools for parents to change their own behavior, not “fix” their child. We promote independence and natural consequences for our kids’ actions, which is usually not an appropriate approach for younger children.

Regardless of your child’s age, we will welcome you at Changes. But you may find that our members have less personal experience to draw upon and share if your child is in elementary school.

Typical problem behaviors can be:

• Violent or abusive
• Oppositional and defiant
• Failing grades or not attending school
• Substance abuse
• Stealing at home or shoplifting
• Gang involvement
• Running away

The purpose of the group is not to change our child's behaviors. It is to help us give up that need to control and work on changing our own mindset and behaviors toward our children. We can support them and support ourselves and allow them indepedence to find their own path and feel the consequences of their behaviors.

This is an amazing resources for parents who are feeling anxious and fearful and need support to know what to do.

You can call this number 8884682620. to start the process of signing up.

The trauma of “good mom syndrome”

In this week's episode, we delve into the profound truths and challenges of parenting children with intense needs. The episode explores the concept of parenting trauma and the importance of acknowledging and validating the difficulties faced by parents in raising kids with unique challenges.

Key Points:

• Toxic Positivity and Trauma: I address criticism received for acknowledging the traumatic aspects of parenting. Rejecting toxic positivity, the episode emphasizes the need to validate and openly discuss the challenges faced by parents.

• Studies on Moms Raising Kids with Autism: I share statistics from studies on moms raising children on the autism spectrum, highlighting the prevalence of trauma in this community.

• Understanding Trauma: Distinguishing between acute, chronic, and complex trauma, the episode emphasizes that trauma is about the lasting impact on individuals rather than the events themselves.

• Community Responses: The host reflects on the heartbreaking responses from the community about the traumas they've experienced, ranging from suicide attempts to encounters with law enforcement.

• Societal Expectations and Parental Trauma: The episode explores how societal expectations and judgments contribute to parental trauma, discussing the harmful beliefs about what makes a "good parent."

• Challenging Beliefs: The host shares personal struggles with societal expectations, highlighting the internal conflict of being raised to create a safe and happy home while facing the reality of parenting challenges.

• Healing from Trauma: Practical steps for healing include self-compassion, challenging negative beliefs, and adopting the mantra "What other people think about me is none of my business."

• Becoming Teflon: The episode explores the concept of becoming a shield between parents and societal judgments, emphasizing the importance of letting go and not internalizing others' opinions.

• Shifting Mindsets: Encouraging parents to shift their mindset, the episode concludes with affirmations of the incredible strength and intentionality of parents navigating the challenges of raising children with unique needs.

Closing Message:

"You are incredible, don’t let anyone, including yourself tell you differently."

My guest today is Robyn Gobbel, therapist and parent educator.

Robyn Gobbel, MSW, loves coffee, P!NK, and everything about the brain. Once (recently!) her teenager went ballistic on her for getting ANOTHER (glitter!) coffee mug in the mail. Robyn loves cultivating deep, resonant connections with anyone who is up for it, and is especially fond of all the grown-ups in the world who love and care for kids impacted by trauma- helpers, healers, educators, and parents. Her favorite thing ever (besides glittery coffee mugs) is teaching anyone who will listen to harness the power of neuroscience so they can cultivate deep, resonant connections. What would change in the world if we could all do that? To see, be with, feel, and deeply know each other...and ourselves. Robyn thinks everything could change. You can get your hands on all sorts of free resources at www.RobynGobbel.com, including her podcast, The Baffling Behavior Show. Robyn is the author of Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work (September 2023).

We chat about when parenting is traumatic and how that affects our nervous system and impacts everyone in the family. When we are parenting kids with big challenging, sometimes frightening behaviors can put us in a space of nervous system dysregulation and we can't function as our best selves

Parenting can be traumatic…

I cannot wait to share with you this podcast. A few months ago I saw a post by @robyn.gobbel about this topic and it spoke to me. It made me cry to be honest.

I felt seen and validated. I immediately messaged Robyn about being a guest and she graciously said yes. It is an incredible interview and I hope the parents who need it will find it and also feel seen and validated.

If you have any of these, you may have experienced or are currently experiencing parenting trauma:

•Sensitized Stress Response

•Stuck in Protection Mode

•Compassion Fatigue

•Irritable

•Hypervigilance

•Depression

•Grief

The trauma is real and that can bring shame and guilt upon us, because what parent gets traumatized by their child?

Nervous system printable

https://robyngobbel.com/course/friednervoussysteminfographic/

Link to buy Robyn's book. Use code Bafflingbehaviors20 for 20% off

https://us.jkp.com/products/raising-kids-with-big-baffling-behaviors?_pos=1&_sid=14718fc1e&_ss=r

The last time I chatted on this podcast was in April last year. I chatted with two dear friends who I was planning a conference with. We chatted about our lived experiences of having mental health challenges in our family and how much we needed support and couldn’t find it. That was the kick off to sharing about our in person Fight like a Mother mental health conference in September.

I fully intended to continue regular podcasts and follow up about the conference etc…and it obviously did not happen. Planning that conference was one of the bright spots of my 2023. I am so proud of that conference and what we were able to provide for our attendees. Resources, support and community.

I won’t share nitty gritty details of my 2023 because much of it is others stories to share but their stories and struggles did affect me and have become part of my story too.

I shared a post on instagram yesterday of a photo of a women who is sitting down fully veiled. YOu cannot see the woman, she is completely covered. When I saw this photo it literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, because I was this woman. Much of my year I felt veiled and shrouded in the dark. It was hard to get out of bed, it was impossible to clean my house, it was a struggle to feed my family. My mental and physical health were greatly affected. I withdrew from most people. And yet I am seeing a therapist regularly, I started medication but nothing seemed to be able to get through the dark veil of depression.

I could not figure out what was happening, for a long time I didn’t try to figure it out because it was too much work and took too much energy to do so. I didn’t have the bandwidth. The year wasn’t actually all that terrible, it was the first year in a while where we hadn’t had suicidal ideation or attempts from our kids but we were dealing with some other heavy things.

One day I was listenting to a podcast about trauma and grief and it hit me. I had not dealt with the layers of trauma that had been building up for years. Not only had my dad died the year before and I’m not sure I had processed that but also I had not acknowledged the living grief that comes from lost expectations plan and life completely turning upside down and not looking ANYTHING like I had ever hoped or planned or prayed for. That grief is real and feels constant.

I had the tools in my toolbelt, I knew what could help, I knew going for walks and getting into nature would help. I knew eating healthier and journaling and all the things would be helpful…and yet I just couldn’t. The energy required was not there, the pull of my bed and my weighted blanket seemed to be the only reprieve and safe space I could inhabit. Things that never felt unsafe or uncomfortable before felt terrifying. Relationships that I have had for much of my life felt too hard and risky. I couldn’t share the darkness, what would they think of me? I couldn’t do small talk, that felt disingenuous and inauthentic.

I really felt like a shell of myself.

Until….a couple of months ago. I felt a spark, to be honest I’m not sure what even prompted it. But I felt a spark of being myself. I felt a spark of energy, of hope, of light. I told my therapist I’m feeling lighter and I’m ready to do the hard work to peel the layers and layers of trauma and grief. I wasn’t in a space to do so before.

I grasped onto that spark. As I have done so, I have seen and felt more and more sparks of light permeating that shroud. I have seen Cheryl again in moments and felt great relief. The darkness is still there I’m not gonna lie, but the light is getting stronger and more consistent.

I’ll be really honest that sometimes I just wanted to stay in the dark, in my bed, shut myself off from the world. It seemed easier than doing the work, but it wasn’t easy being in that space either. So I guess we get to choose our hard either way.

This year I chose a phrase to focus on of radical acceptance of myself, my circumstances, what I can control etc.and also radical alignment with who I am, with my core values, what will benefit my mental health. Besides the daily things that have to be done like dishes, fixing meals, exercise cleaning etc which I don’t love but they do align with my core values of caring for myself and my family if it doesn’t align or make me feel more like me, it’s gone. One silly example? Uncomfortable clothing? GONE, Clothing that doesn’t feel like me? GONE! I no longer dress how others think I should, I dress for me to feel good and feel more like myself.

One thing that has brought me tons of light that is filling the cracks is celebrating the small stuff. I went for a mile walk in the sunshine? GO ME! I chose to drink water instead of diet coke? GO ME!

Celebrating the small wins, motivates me to continue to push along and continue to do the things that bring the spark.

At our in person conference we rented a large gong and set it up and asked people to share their wins on post it notes and post them on the window behind the gong and then they sounded the gong after the posted their wins. Sometimes when you are living with mental illness in yourself or your family the wins look very different. They were incredibly touching. Things like, my daughter now cares about her hygiene and takes showers daily. I don’t want to die any more.

Now I want to share with you something so fun that I did with my Instagram community this last week for the new year. I asked them for their wins for 2023, I wanted them to acknowledge their sparks and “sound the gong”. I want to share some of them with you. Maybe their celebrations will help you see the wins in your own life and help you see the spark that can permeate any darkness you may have in your life.

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