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Surviving those dreaded Thanksgiving conversations

15m · Chang Chats with Stu Chang · 23 Nov 11:00

The key to having a civilized conversation about politics or religion or any controversial subject is to not go into the conversation with the goal of convincing the other side you are right

Fact is, those people you dread talking to almost always think they are completely right and everyone else who doesn't think like they do are completely wrong.  And you're no different.  So their goal is to convince you.  To win the argument.

The technique most of them use is called aggressive assertion where they aggressively assert their "position".  This is called a positional argument.  Positional arguments rarely succeed because if the other side doesn't believe in their position, all the aggressive assertion of all the facts and beliefs they have won't convince you.  You have to remember that they came to these beliefs from a lifetime of experiences and thoughts based on a strong confirmation bias.

So come back around to how you can have a conversation with this type of person.

Step #1. As I said before, change your goal from "winning the argument" to just having a conversation.  Remember, what you were dreading was spending time with tis person because you know they just want to argue.  You probably wouldn't be at Thanksgiving dinner with them if they are not someone you'd care to get to know better.  So your goal is to have an enjoyable conversation and get to know someone better.

Step #2.  Instead of ramming your views down their throat, start by trying to find common ground.  Most likely, you can find common ground in what you both value.

Step #3.  Once you find out what values you have in common, (I call that the "what" you both care about, then your next question is to ask them why they believe what they believe.  Your goal at this point is to really listen with an intent to understand why they believe what they do vs you jumping in and telling them why they are wrong.

Step #4.  Once you have established that you both have common values, and that you are disagreeing on beliefs, after you have given them the time in step 3 to share their beliefs, and you have listened with the intent to understand and empathize, then your response is a technique called "assertive inquiry".

An example of that response is, "I've heard what you had to say about why you believe the way you do.  I can now see why you feel the way you do. I have a different belief that I think is worth hearing.".

Ask them if they would like to hear it.  They will most likely say yes.  Then you now have a chance to communicate your beliefs.  You may want to remind them that you're not trying to convince them they are wrong, you are simply stating your beliefs.  Now you need to know they will most likely cut you off and jump in and start aggressive assertion again, it's the only way they know how to have these types of conversations.

Politely remind them of the things you have already talked about (a) your common values (b) You listened to their beliefs patiently and understand and empathize with them, and now it's your turn for them to listen and empathize with your beliefs.  At this point it is really hard for someone to deny you the opportunity to talk.

But, if they do, then let them come back to asserting their beliefs, and when they are finished try to repeat step 4 again.  If they still don't give you the opportunity to be heard, then it's probably time to go talk to someone else.  You'll at least have the comfort in knowing that you know a little more about this person's values and beliefs and they know little about yours.  That always puts you in a stronger position in the next conversation.

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The episode Surviving those dreaded Thanksgiving conversations from the podcast Chang Chats with Stu Chang has a duration of 15:55. It was first published 23 Nov 11:00. The cover art and the content belong to their respective owners.

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An often-overlooked factor to consider when making decisions

The factor I want to talk about today is time.  Think about the decisions you made recently whether they be for work or personal.  How often did you consider the question, "How will I feel about this decision over time?  In an hour, in a day, in a week, in a month, in a year, in decades?"  Part of what you want to consider here is, how easily can the decision be undone in the future if needed.

Let's take a simple example that many of you can relate to like making a decision to eat that extra scoop of ice cream for dessert or while on vacation.  Sure, in the moment I want to tell myself, ah, you're on vacation enjoy yourself.  But then, before I buy the double scoop vs the single scoop, do I consider, how will I feel about this in an hour, in a day, in a week, etc.  How many times have said just minutes after eating something, Oh, I probably shouldn't have eaten that?  So next time, consider the question, "How will I feel about this decision later".  Remember I talked about part of your time consideration is, how easily can the decision be undone.  Once I eat that extra scoop of ice cream, I can't uneat it.  I'd have to work out extra harder and longer, and let's face it, that's not going to happen.

The next example I think many people can also relate to.  It happened last week while on vacation.  We were taking a horseback riding excursion to a waterfall.  My wife and most of my friends decided to go swimming in the pool by the waterfall.  As I stepped into the water it was freezing cold.  By this time, my wife and friends were all waist deep or completely immersed and swimming in the water and having a great time.  I stood on the banks telling myself it's too cold, it's too cold.  Then I though... How would I feel about this decision to not join my wife and friends and take a plunge in this once in a lifetime opportunity?  I realized that the minute we got back on the horses and began to ride back, I'd regret not taking the plunge.  So, I did, and I am glad I did.  Coming back to how easily this decision could be undone... it's highly unlikely that I would ever come back to this same spot with these same friends ever so this was literally a once in a lifetime opportunity that could not be undone.

This last example comes from what I've been seeing on the Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.  Stay with me on this, I won't get political, but just share what I observed happening in the hearings.  As expected, both sides were polarized and partisan.  Once side appeared very much against her nomination, while the other side seem to embrace it fully. As you may know, Supreme Court Justice appointments are "for life" or as long as the Justice desires, so once made, effectively, this decision cannot be undone.  But let's talk about what is driving both sides to be so divided.  It's clearly what each member believes to be their values in parenthesis (at the time of the hearing).  So while the appointment can't be undone, someone's values can change over time.  Speaking from experience, I'll tell you that 30 years ago, I was very extreme in my political views.  Today, I am much more centered and moderate.  If I were in a position to confirm a supreme court justice based on what I valued 30 years ago, I don’t think I'd vote the same way today.

So, as you go through life and are making dozens is not hundreds of decisions a day, you may not need to consider the question "How will I feel about this later", but pause for the once that are impactful to you and the others around you, and especially for the ones that are difficult or impossible to undo.


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When you are not on track, do these 4 things Mark Zuckerberg did.

In Q4 2021, Facebook's total user base declined for the first time in the company's 17 year history and as a result their stock price dropped by over 20% in a day wiping out $251 Billion in value for the company and $32 Billion in net worth for Mark Zuckerberg.

During an analyst call, Mark did four things that every leader should do when they are off track.

1.He said he was proud of the work the team did in Q4

2.He talked about what Facebook believes impacted the business

3.He shared a plan to get back on track

4.He communicated confidence about that plan and why he was optimistic

When things go wrong, many leaders are tempted to blame the team and citing their shortcomings.  At least on this public analyst call, he didn't do that.  While he didn't take outright responsibility for the loss, his message implied that the failure and accountability lie on the shoulders of the leaders of Facebook and ultimately him.  I'm sure inside Facebook he is emphasizing the urgency and priorities needed from the team to get back on track, but as a leader, never abdicate your responsibility.  Instead, be clear in your priorities and expectations of the team and then be ready to help them to successfully execute on those priorities.

At first blush, it may seem like Mark Zuckerberg was blaming "the competition", specifically naming the unprecedented (and it appears unanticipated) growth of TikTok, as well as transitions toward short-form video causing impression growth in the near-term.  One could argue why this was not anticipated.  The fact is, it wasn't.  And I am sure in your world there are things that arise that you won't anticipate either.  But Zuckerberg is communicating an important element here which sets him up for his next message, that being his plan to recover.  But before coming out and just saying what he will do about the user growth decline, he has to name the root cause.  He has to share what the company believes is the problem to solve.  So sure, the problem was unanticipated, but showing that you understand the root cause lends credibility to your plan.  

Now that he briefly laid out what caused the growth decline at Facebook, Zuckerberg spent most of his time talking about what he plans to do about it to get back on track.  I won't go into details, but he talked about the company's investment and priority on Reels, Community Messaging, Business Messaging, Ads, Privacy, AI, and bringing it all together, the Metaverse.  What's noteworthy about the plan is that it addresses both the short term growth decline as well as how it all ties into the broader strategy which had previously been laid out on the Metaverse.  Showing stakeholders how you address the problem as well as how your actions are tied into your overall strategy goes a long way to instilling confidence in your plan.

Finally, throughout his speech, Zuckerberg mentions his optimism about certain investments such as Reels, and confidence in the short-term trade offs they are making and he closed with saying he was confident these are the right investments to focus on in 2022.  These are two very powerful words when communicating to stakeholders.  When things go wrong, your stakeholders are looking at you to see how you respond.  You can choose to respond to disruption with panic and anxiety, which others will sense, or you can press forward with optimism and confidence in your plan.  Optimism and confidence allows you to look for a way out of a bad situation without being consumed by it.  Communicating optimism conveys that there is something better in the future, and it motivates you and others around you to pursue it. 

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When you are not on track, do these 4 things Mark Zuckerberg did.

In Q4 2021, Facebook's total user base declined for the first time in the company's 17 year history and as a result their stock price dropped by over 20% in a day wiping out $251 Billion in value for the company and $32 Billion in net worth for Mark Zuckerberg.

During an analyst call, Mark did four things that every leader should do when they are off track.

1. He said he was proud of the work the team did in Q4

2. He talked about what Facebook believes impacted the business

3. He shared a plan to get back on track

4. He communicated confidence about that plan and why he was optimistic

When things go wrong, many leaders are tempted to blame the team and citing their shortcomings.  At least on this public analyst call, he didn't do that.  While he didn't take outright responsibility for the loss, his message implied that the failure and accountability lie on the shoulders of the leaders of Facebook and ultimately him.  I'm sure inside Facebook he is emphasizing the urgency and priorities needed from the team to get back on track, but as a leader, never abdicate your responsibility.  Instead, be clear in your priorities and expectations of the team and then be ready to help them to successfully execute on those priorities.

At first blush, it may seem like Mark Zuckerberg was blaming "the competition", specifically naming the unprecedented (and it appears unanticipated) growth of TikTok, as well as transitions toward short-form video causing impression growth in the near-term.  One could argue why this was not anticipated.  The fact is, it wasn't.  And I am sure in your world there are things that arise that you won't anticipate either.  But Zuckerberg is communicating an important element here which sets him up for his next message, that being his plan to recover.  But before coming out and just saying what he will do about the user growth decline, he has to name the root cause.  He has to share what the company believes is the problem to solve.  So sure, the problem was unanticipated, but showing that you understand the root cause lends credibility to your plan.  

Now that he briefly laid out what caused the growth decline at Facebook, Zuckerberg spent most of his time talking about what he plans to do about it to get back on track.  I won't go into details, but he talked about the company's investment and priority on Reels, Community Messaging, Business Messaging, Ads, Privacy, AI, and bringing it all together, the Metaverse.  What's noteworthy about the plan is that it addresses both the short term growth decline as well as how it all ties into the broader strategy which had previously been laid out on the Metaverse.  Showing stakeholders how you address the problem as well as how your actions are tied into your overall strategy goes a long way to instilling confidence in your plan.

Finally, throughout his speech, Zuckerberg mentions his optimism about certain investments such as Reels, and confidence in the short-term trade offs they are making and he closed with saying he was confident these are the right investments to focus on in 2022.  These are two very powerful words when communicating to stakeholders.  When things go wrong, your stakeholders are looking at you to see how you respond.  You can choose to respond to disruption with panic and anxiety, which others will sense, or you can press forward with optimism and confidence in your plan.  Optimism and confidence allows you to look for a way out of a bad situation without being consumed by it.  Communicating optimism conveys that there is something better in the future, and it motivates you and others around you to pursue it. 

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/stu-chang/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/stu-chang/support

How to lead in a VUCA world

Volatility - Characterized by a state (or tendency) of dynamic instability brought about by drastic and rapid shifts.

  • Be Reliable - Follow through on what is said and agreed to will accelerate positive momentum.

Uncertainty - Unclear about the present situation and future outcomes of your actions

  • Be Trustworthy - Invest in people, keep teams engaged, involve partners, seek to understand, speak to be understood, act with respect always.

Complexity - Consisting of many different and connected parts: multiple key decision factors

  • Be Direct - ​Transparency in information communicated and received will gain mutual trust and collaborative efforts

Ambiguity - Open to more than one interpretation; can be understood in different ways; inexactness

  • Be Understandable - ​Clarity in purpose, direction, responsibilities, and expected outcomes will empower others.
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How to make a New Year's Resolution you can stick with.

It's that time of year when you think about making a New Year's Resolution.

Most people make resolutions like stop smoking or eat healthier or exercise more.

These are all activities and for many people, they are actual negative experiences.

To make resolutions that you can stick to, make them about positive outcomes like, I want to be able to live long enough to see my grandkids grow up, or I want to be fit enough to take long hikes in the mountains that you love so much.

By making a resolution about a positive outcome vs a specific activity that you dread and have to force yourself to do, two things can happen.  1.  You're not locked into a specific activity and throughout the year you can potentially find other ways to achieve your goal, and 2.  If you do have to do an activity that you hate or dread, then by having a positive outcome as the goal, you focus on that positive experience and not the negative task.

So for example, let's say you are out at dinner with some friends and everyone wants to order dessert, don't focus on the negative and think, I'll deny myself this piece of cake and thereby making that a negative experience.  Instead, I want to lose weight so I can have the stamina to enjoy more outdoor activities with my friends and family so I'll forgo the cake but I can still enjoy the time at dinner with my friends.

Same for exercising.  I personally hate the monotony of exercising.  I had to learn to tell myself that I didn't have to drag myself off the couch a few times a week and do some very monotonous exercise, but rather, remind myself that I'd like to be healthy enough to continue to enjoy traveling well into my retirement.  And secondly, exercising 5 days  a week wasn't the only solution to my goal.  A combination of eating a little healthier and exercising maybe just 2-3 times a week would allow me to accomplish my goal.

So, if you've struggled with sticking to your New Year's resolution, instead of resolving to doing some behavior that you hate, but instead resolve to some positive outcome.  Then think of numerous ways you can achieve that resolution.  And even when you have to do that behavior that you hate, don't think about it as a negative experience, but focus on the positive outcome you are working toward.

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