Dating and the Single Parent - "Coupleness" Doesn't Equal "Familyness"

The Smart Stepdad: Are You Ready to Remarry? - Ron Deal

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript

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Are You Ready to Remarry?

Guest:                         Ron Deal

From the series:         The Smart Stepdad (day 1 of 3) 

Bob:  Ron Deal says he has talked with a lot of people who have been through a difficult first marriage that came to an end, and have been in too big a hurry to find someone else and marry again.

Ron:  “You know, we met on eHarmony, and we‟ve met face-to-face once.  We live on opposite sides of the universe, but that‟s not going to be a problem for us.  We‟re in love!  eHarmony says we‟re a match.”

Wait a minute, wait a minute.  Slow down.  That hurried, desperate need to be together with somebody is telling you something about yourself.  You need to come to terms with that, and get objective about it so that it‟s not driving you into a decision that wouldn‟t be a wise one.

Bob:  This is FamilyLife Today for W ednesday, June 1st.  Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I‟m Bob Lepine.  Marrying a second time, becoming a stepdad, is a huge challenge.  Today, Ron Deal helps you think through whether you‟re up to the challenge, or whether you need to press pause for a little bit.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today.  Thanks for joining us.

I‟m wondering why Ron Deal put Doc Martins on the front of his book?  A pair of loafers, but I think they‟re Doc Martins.  Isn‟t that yellow stitching around the top characteristic of the Doc Martins?

Dennis:  Ron?

Ron:  I don‟t have a clue!

(laughter)

Dennis:  You‟ve got to be careful around Bob.  I‟m telling you, he‟s tough on you.

Bob:  Did you pick the shoes for the cover of the book?

Ron:  I did not pick the shoes.  I influenced.  I know which ones I did not p ick.

Dennis:  Every author knows about that!  All the covers you reject.

Bob:  Is the idea here that if you‟re going to be a smart stepdad, you‟ve got some big

shoes to step into?  Is that the idea here?

Ron:  That, yes.  And, in a way, you‟re also stepping into someone else‟s shoes, but that person‟s already in their shoes.  It gets a little confusing.

Dennis:  You challenge a step-dad with “Steps to Help You Succeed.”  You really have

a heart for stepdads.

By the way, welcome to the broadcast.

Ron:  Thank you.  It‟s great to be back.

Dennis:  Sorry we critiqued your cover right off the start.

Ron:  That‟s alright.

Bob:  It wasn‟t a critique.  I was just curious.

Dennis:  You were critiquing it, Bob.

Bob:  The shoes do look a little scuffed up, too, I think.

Dennis:  Ron Deal is the founder of Successful Stepparents.  He is an author and a speaker.  He and his wife Nan and their sons live in Amarillo, Texas.  He has written the book The Smart Stepdad.  I didn‟t realize this, Bob, but 16.5 million men are stepdads today.

Bob:  That‟s a big chunk of the population.

Dennis:  Sixteen percent of all men will bear this title.

So you‟re talking to millions of men who step into these shoes.  They‟re going to find this much more difficult to do this thing of being a stepfather than they ever imagined.

Ron:  Many of them have the biggest hearts in the world.  They come in and they want to be the hero, you know?  They want to do a good job.  God bless them for having the heart for that.

Sometimes what they experience when they get there is like the first day on a new job, and people didn‟t know you were showing up.  They really would rather have the other guy there instead of you.  His name is still on the door, and you‟re moving into his office. You‟re really unclear what performing well on the job would look like.

How do I hit the bull‟s-eye in my new job?  It‟s really unclear.  Some people are telling you it looks like this, and other people are telling you it looks like this, and you‟re thinking, “W ho‟s on my team and who‟s not on my team?”  All of that confusion hits stepdads pretty quickly.

Bob:  And you add to that, maybe in your last job things didn‟t go so well and there were challenges, and there‟s still some anger and bitterness from the previous place you used to work, that left you feeling a little insecure about your role in the first place.

Now, here you are stepping into the new assignment.  You‟ve got to acknowledge when you step into a role as either a stepmom or a stepdad that ther e‟s some stuff in this pot of stew that you‟ve been cooking up here that is going to have be dealt with.

Ron:  Yes, and an application of what you just said about the former job:  many stepdads are biological dads.  They have their own children and they m ay live with them or they may not.  They may be with them on a part-time basis.

So, really, you kind of have two jobs.  One of those jobs is very clear.  It‟s very clear what it is to be the dad.  But it‟s just not so clear what it is to be the stepdad.  That‟s what we want to do with this book is offer them direction.

Dennis:  As human beings, we tend to be idealistic.  W e enter into this new relationship

– there‟s a honeymoon.  Maybe we did go through something where we experienced divorce in the past and we‟ve got that set of bags that we bring into the marriage relationship like we‟re talking about here, but don‟t you find that as couples form

blended families, that they have some unreal expectations about how it‟s going to work?

Ron:  Absolutely!  Absolutely.  The expectations are built on the fantasy.  Really, we need the fantasy.  W e need the dream.  There are a lot of risks in life that we wouldn‟t take if we didn‟t have a dream wrapped around it.  I think that‟s often true about remarriage, about becoming a stepparent.

The dream isn‟t necessarily bad or wrong.  I want stepdads and stepparents to hold

onto that dream.  But, at the same time, it needs to be tempered with reality; it needs to be tempered with truth about their circumstances.  Then, as they step this out, they‟re going to make better choices.

Bob:  W ell, if you grew up in the generation that watched The Brady Bunch, is that not the quintessential, definable stepfamily?

Ron:  Absolutely.

Bob:  Or you rented the movie Yours, Mine, and Ours, and you thought, “So, they make it work.”  You forget that someone had to write lines for them, and someone had to create scenarios for them, and that it‟s fiction.  Real life can be a little more complicated and a little more confusing.

Dennis:  And the storyline isn‟t over in two hours.

Bob:  That‟s right.

Ron:  W e believe in love in our culture.  I‟m glad that we do.  W e really do think love is going to conquer all, and that if our love is pure enough when a man and woman come together, that the children will come together as well around that.  And sometimes that‟s true, and sometimes – more often – it‟s true eventually, but not true immediately.  It‟s that period of disillusionment that really is a barrier for a lot of people.

Bob:  I want to take you all the way back to the headwaters of somebody who is

considering a remarriage situation.  I‟ll give you the scenario:

This is somebody who was previously married, and for whatever reason, with their best intentions, things did not go well.  His spouse left.  He‟s spent a couple of years, and it‟s been hard, lonely, hurting.  Then he met a gal and fell head over heels, thought he

could never feel this way again.  He comes to you and says, “I‟m at the point where I‟m

thinking about whether this should go further.

My first question for you is, am I ready?  Have I gone through everything I need to go through so that next time I can do a better job than last time?”  How would you coach a guy like that?

Ron:  W ell, one of the things I would say to him is, “I love your heart.  I love your caution.  I love the fact that you want to learn and grow and understand and get perspective before you make decisions, and not make them rashly.”

The other thing I would say to him is on the other side of that is a truth that I have come

to believe and that is that “nothing really gets you ready for marriage.  Marriage gets you ready for marriage.”  And, unfortunately, what that means is that we make our commitments and then life teaches us what we committed ourselves to.  So, on some level, we‟ll never know exactly what is going to be required of us.

There is a step of faith.  There is a point of saying, “There‟s a risk here and I‟m willing to meet that risk.  Therefore, I choose to step in.”

That choice, as it turns out, is incredibly powerful.  It‟s kind of like the choice of following Chr

Your Stepfamily, Standing Strong (Part 1) - Ron Deal

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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The Myth of the Ideal Stepfamily

Guest:                         Ron Deal                   

From the series:       Your Stepfamily:  Standing Strong

Bob:   Regardless of the circumstances, you may find yourself in a Brady Bunch of your own today, one that looks different than the TV family looked.  Here is Ron Deal.

Ron:   "Blended family" is the most popular term, but the point we like to make about that is that most stepfamilies don't blend.  If they do, somebody usually gets creamed in the process.  It's really a misnomer to use the term "blended family".  To me, it doesn't matter so much what families call themselves.  What they need to do is recognize that they have a different kind of family.  Learning how it operates, and how it works, and how they can make their family successful—that's what's really important.

Bob:  This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, April 23rd.  Our host is the President of FamilyLife®, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.   If your special family is facing some special challenges, we’ve got some help for you today. Stay tuned.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today.  Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition.  A few years ago, I took my three boys—Mary Ann and I—took the boys.  We went to LEGOLAND®.  Now, you haven't been to LEGOLAND—

Dennis:  No, but I remember when you went.  You were really impressed.

Bob:  We were excited to go to LEGOLAND because our boys really are into—they love Legos®.  Well, the most exciting ride at LEGOLAND, which, by the way, when we were there, it was all geared for kids 12 and under.  

Dennis:  People are wondering where LEGOLAND is, Bob.

Bob:  Oh, LEGOLAND is in—it’s just north of San Diego.  It's geared for kids who are 12 and under.  There aren't a whole lot of scary thrill rides.  There is one rollercoaster, and it's moderately exciting as rollercoasters go.  My son, John, wasn't sure he wanted to ride on the rollercoaster.  We coaxed him and said, "Come on!  You'll have fun.  You'll like it.  It's not that scary."  

We all got on the rollercoaster.  We got all done; and Jimmy, who is a little older than John, said, "That was cool!  Let's do it again."  John said, "I am not doing that again."  He didn't ride the rollercoaster the rest of the day.

Now, I tell that story because, for a lot of couples, Dennis, who have gone on a marriage rollercoaster and have wound up apart—there's been a divorce—they look at the marital rollercoaster a second time; and they go, "That's scary.  Can we really make this thing work better the second time than we did the first time?"  A lot of them aren't sure they want to head on that ride again.  Then, those who get on it wonder, "How are we going to fix the problems when they come up this time?"

Dennis:  That's right.  Not everybody, Bob, who ends up on that stepfamily rollercoaster ends up there because of divorce.  Some end up there because of the death of a spouse.  They now find themselves strapped into a seat with all the turns, and ups, and downs, and they're wondering, "How do you build a successful stepfamily?"  

I want you to know, as a listener, we listen to you, too.  We listen to you on the internet, when you go to FamilyLife.com, and you tell us what you'd like to hear us talk about, here on the broadcast.  We also listen to you when you call into our 800 number.  We take notes.  One of the areas you've been asking us to do some work in is in the area of stepfamilies.

I want you to know that we have searched across the country; and in our own backyard in Jonesboro, Arkansas—which, yes, it is in the United States—but in Jonesboro, Arkansas, we uncovered a great resource that we want to share with you over the next few days, here on the broadcast.  His name is Ron Deal.  Ron, I want to welcome you to LEGOLAND and the rollercoaster ride of stepfamilies.  Welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Ron:  Thank you.  It is a great honor to be here.

Dennis:  He is on the Advisory Council of the Stepfamily Association of America, and he does seminars all across the country called "Building a Successful Stepfamily".  I've got to tell this story on Ron, as I introduce him.  I am in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport.  Ron comes up to me, and introduces himself, and gives me his card.  I ask him to send me some of his stuff because he told me he was working in the area of blended families or stepfamilies.  

I said, "Man!  There is a tremendous need there.  Send it on."  He sent it.  We've been in dialog, over the past few years, talking about this material and how we can bring it to our listeners.  I'm excited to feature Ron this week and talk about how we can equip stepfamilies, not only in helping them make their marriage go the distance, but also be successful as parents.

Now, when we come to the subject of stepfamilies, Ron, I think maybe the majority of us, who are married, underestimate the number of people who presently are in stepfamily relationships.  How prevalent is it?

Ron:  The numbers are really pretty staggering, especially to people that are unfamiliar with how many stepfamilies are out there.  Currently, every day in America, there are 1,300 new stepfamilies.  By the way, these statistics that I'm about to give you are anywhere from five to ten years old.  We don't have any real recent statistics.  So, we've got to keep that in mind.  In other words, there are probably more than even what we're saying now.  

One out of three Americans right now, in the United States, is either a stepparent, a stepchild, a step-sibling, or somehow related to a stepfamily—one out of three.  With the life projections as they seem to be, it looks like one out of two of us will have a step-relationship at some point in our lifetime.

Dennis:  You know, we've done a good bit of research at our FamilyLife Marriage Conferences.  Bob, you know, you speak at the conferences.  Up to 30 percent of those who attend our conferences are in stepfamilies.  I think we assume that stepfamilies have the same life expectancy as a regular family.  That's not so; is it, Ron?

Ron:  No, it's not.  In fact, the divorce rate for remarriage is 60 percent.  There are some numbers that indicate that it's more than that.  By the way, I need to kind of qualify that statistic.  We don't have a statistic that tells us what the divorce rate is for stepfamily couples.  We only have a rate for remarriage.  Now, some remarriages don't involve children.  Obviously, the bulk of remarriages do involve children and qualify as stepfamilies, but the numbers are really high.

Dennis:  Let me just add—although these statistics are not stepfamily statistics, they are those involving second, third, and fourth marriages from Gary Richman's book, The Divorce Decision.  He says that second marriages—now, get this—second marriages have a 24 percent success rate within five years.  Third marriages only succeed          13 percent of the time, and fourth marriages succeed just seven percent of the time.

Bob:  If you thought the rollercoaster ride was thrilling and exciting the first time around, the danger increases the second, and the third, and the fourth.  It's like it gets to be a wilder ride.

Ron:   And the thing is this—people have a set of expectations when they come into that remarriage.  What they don't anticipate are the stepfamily dynamics that are going to play a role in their marriage.  They just don't know about them on the frontend, at least not until now.  Because they're uninformed, and they go in, and they assume things are going to be better, and, “I've learned a few lessons from the last time.  We're going to make this marriage better.”  What they don't understand is the complexity of their home and how that's going to impact their marriage.  Then, when it blindsides them, they're at six months, two years, or three years down the road.  Most of those divorces, by the way, occur within the first three years.  They never get beyond the tough work to any of the rewards.

Dennis:  Ron, I want to talk about the needs of stepfamilies, here in just a moment; but I want to ask you to do something pretty tough.  You travel.  You speak all across the country, in your seminars, in churches.  How would you grade the church in terms of addressing the needs of stepfamilies?  On an A, B, C, D, F, how would you grade the church?

Ron:  I'll be benevolent and say a D minus.  We're really doing very poorly.  Think about where we were with divorce recovery programs 25, 30 years ago.  We kind of had this feeling there were a lot of people that were finding themselves in divorce situations for one reason or another.  The church needed to respond; but we were bashful, at the frontend.  We weren't sure what to do and how to help these people, but we knew we kind of needed to do something.  

Well, that's where we are with stepfamilies.  They are so prevalent in our society, and yet the church is doing little or nothing.

Bob:  Well, and you know why?  As we try to uphold God's standard for marriage—

Ron:  Right, it kind of feels like we're abandoning, somehow, God's ideal.  That's why I say right on the frontend, “My ministry has nothing to do with God's ideal

Your Stepfamily, Standing Strong (Part 2) - Ron Deal

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Finding Realistic Expectations

Guest:                         Ron Deal

From the series:       Your Stepfamily:  Standing Strong (Day 2 of 5) 

Bob:  One of the big issues for children in a stepfamily is trying to figure out where their loyalties lie.  Here’s Ron Deal.

Ron:   The child, after remarriage, now says, "Okay, wait a minute. This guy, I guess, is now my dad; or he's my stepdad or something."  They almost feel some obligation to have a relationship with him; but, at the same time—in the back of his mind—his biological dad is in another home, saying, "Now, don't enjoy him too much." This 11-year-old is getting the idea that, “I can't be loyal to my stepdad because it would be disloyal to my biological dad.”

Bob:  This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, April 24th.  Our host is the President of FamilyLife®, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.  There are a lot of tangled relationships that happen when families get blended.  It can be tough to try to untangle some of those.  We’ll talk more about that today.  Stay tuned.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today.  Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.  We're going to do a little cooking today on the broadcast.  We've got a recipe we're going to bring out and just see what we can whip up, here in Mr. Rainey's kitchen.  (Laughter)  How's that?  Mr. Rainey's kitchen!

Dennis:  We're going to talk about stepfamilies.

Bob:  You're going to give that guy—what's his name on the Food Network™?—give him a run for his money.

Dennis:  I have some recipes, Bob.  You underestimate me.

Bob:  No, I have tasted your cooking.  It's very good.

Dennis:  I like to cook.  Unfortunately, I like to eat, too.

Bob:   That's right. (Laughter)

Dennis:  We're not going to talk about cooking on the broadcast—except, in just a moment, we are going to give you a recipe for how to cook a stepfamily; alright?  We have with us the master chef, Ron Deal.  Ron, welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Ron:   Thank you.  It's great to be back.

Dennis:  Ron does seminars, all across the country, called "Building a Successful Stepfamily".  You've, I guess, talked to thousands of folks in churches, and small groups, and retreats, all across the country, over the past ten years?

Ron:   Yes.

Dennis:  Ron and his wife live in Jonesboro, Arkansas, with their three sons.  He's a minister.  He's a counselor—I think, has got a lot to say that's very, very helpful.  He has a recipe.  It's “How to Cook a Stepfamily”.  Now, did you come up with this recipe yourself, Ron?

Ron:   Actually, I did.  You know, I was thinking, one day, about the blended family and that metaphor.  We said on yesterday’s program that most stepfamilies don't blend, and somebody usually gets creamed if they do.  I started thinking, “Well, if they don't blend, how do you cook a stepfamily?”  I mean, the notion of a blender is—you put a bunch of ingredients in something and, all of a sudden, they become one fluid mixture.  

That's just not quite what stepfamilies end up to become.  So, “How do you do this?”  Well, I thought about the food processor.  That just chops somebody up, and somebody gets chopped up in the process.  For example, a parent who says to their child, "Okay, you need to call your stepfather, 'Daddy'.  We're not calling him 'Frank'.  We're not calling him 'Stepdad'.   You need to call him, 'Daddy.'"  In effect, Mom has just chopped up real dad.  He lives somewhere else, but he no longer exists.  We've chopped him up; now, “This is now your new real dad.”  

That kind of pressure—that kind of message—really backfires within stepfamilies.  It doesn't work.  Food processor doesn't help.

I began to think some about the microwave. These are families who want to be a nuke-lear family.  (Laughter)

Dennis:  Did you catch that, Bob?

Ron:  It took you a minute; didn't it?

Dennis:  Oh, no, I read it first.  I'd already caught it!

Bob:  Yes.

Ron:   They're working really hard to not be any different than anybody else.  They refused—I had a guy call in to a radio program I was on one time and argue with me.  "We're not a stepfamily.  We're not a stepfamily.  We're just like everybody else."  

Well, it's not a bad thing to be a stepfamily.  It's just a different kind of family; but, yes, you are one.  As long as you refuse to acknowledge that, you're not going to be able to find any creative solutions.

Dennis:  I would think this would be more prevalent because of the fast-paced culture we live in and people going, “You know, we've made a new family.  We've got to make this happen quickly."

Ron:  Yes, and microwave it.  “Let's just make it happen instantly.”

Dennis:  Yes, push the button.

Ron:   It doesn't work.  That's the same thing with a pressure cooker.  You know, “We're just going to add a lot of pressure.  We're going to force each other to love one another. If the kids don't do it, we're going to be really upset with them because they've been unwilling to do that.”  All of those things backfire.

The one other approach that really doesn't work is called the tossed salad.  That's where we just kind of throw one another up in the air.  I think about the family—for example—that when one of their children, who has part-time residence in another home; but then, there are some children that remain in the home over the weekend.  “While you're gone, your possessions are ours.”

You know, let's stop and think about that for a minute.  If my possessions, when I'm at dad's house—all of a sudden—anybody can play with my stuff, and mess up my room, and get into my drawers, or play with my toys—then, I don't have a place, really, in that home.  The tossed salad is, “We'll just toss you up in the air.  Wherever you come down, you're supposed to be okay with that.”

It's really disrespectful for parents to do that.  You need to set up a rule that says, "Can we use your stuff?  Can Johnny ride your bike while you're over at your dad's house?"  "Oh, sure, that's fine."  Okay, well, now we've at least been respectful to this child and given him a place, even when he's not there.

So how do you cook a stepfamily if all of those don't work?  Well, it's the crock pot.  You know, when my wife works with a crock pot—she just throws everything in it, and turns it on, and walks away.  That's exactly the two key elements here we're talking about—time and low heat.  Stepfamilies need to understand it takes time to cook a family.  There is nothing instant about it.  In fact, the more you try to make it instant, the more it backfires.

Dennis:  But it can happen.

Ron:   But it can happen.  Low heat is the other one.  You see a pressure cooker and a microwave—they're all using high heat.  They're all trying to work with high pressure to create love and bondedness.  When that doesn't happen, people get frustrated with each other.  A crock pot—it takes six hours—you've got something good to eat.  Well, the average stepfamily takes six or seven years; and then you've got something good to eat.  Being patient and letting the process work for you—a crock pot brings the juices together slowly, over time.

Dennis:  I think, as many were listening to your illustration of the different types of processing food there—some in a stepfamily were thinking, "I'm in none of those.  I'm in a frying pan.  We're in enormous pain today.  The heat is up. I want out!"

Ron:   Yes.

Dennis:  You have seven steps to keep people in a stepfamily from stepping out; but instead, you call them to step up.  Share with our listeners what those seven steps to a successful stepfamily are.

Ron:   Well, the first one is, as you said, to step up.  What I'm talking about here is experiencing and discovering a God Who loves and forgives.  We said on yesterday's program—the wilderness wanderings can be really, really, difficult.  That Promised Land can seem so far away, but God is still leading.  It's up to us to trust Him and to continue to follow.  So, step up to discover a God Who loves and forgives.

Number two, step down your expectations—as we've been talking about.  It's not going to happen instantly.  You can't force a stepfamily.  You can't make people love one another.  Relax and let it happen over time.

Two-step—that's my way of saying the couple has got to work together.  They've got to work in unison, almost like they're dancing together. You know, like two ice-skaters on ice have to work in harmony.  The couple has to work on their relationship, even in the midst of all the complexity going on around them.  

Side-step is to side-step the pitfalls that are common to most stepfamilies.  There are a number of things that we could talk about there; but some of the things that hit my mind, automatically, are a stepparent who jumps in, and expects authority with stepchildren, and tries to force themselves upon the stepchildren.  That's one of the biggest and most common pitfalls.  It really slows everything down, and it really creates a lot of distress in the home.

Your Stepfamily, Standing Strong (Part 3) - Ron Deal

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Co-Parenting:  Visitation

Guest:                         Ron Deal                   

From the series:       Your Stepfamily: Standing Strong 

Bob:  One of the unique dynamics facing a stepfamily today is the ongoing conflict that can exist between former spouses and the impact that conflict can have on children.  Here is Ron Deal.

Ron:   I think parents really underestimate the ability of their children to handle the truth; but we do need to be respectful as we present that truth.  The fine line is, “Will you turn to criticism when it becomes a personal attack?”  That’s when it really begins to weigh heavy on the kids.  You know, when I attack your father, living in another home—parents need to understand that kid carries that pain because, “I’m half of Dad.”

Bob:  This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, April 26th.  Our host is the President of FamilyLife®, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.  What can a husband and wife do to help children in a stepfamily navigate turbulent emotional waters?   Stay tuned.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today.  Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.  I have never forgotten a friend of mine.  I will call her "Beth".   She had been married, had a son—the marriage had not lasted.  She had been a single parent for a number of years.  Then, she met a guy.  This guy was—well, he was wonderful.  I was a little suspicious, frankly, of just how wonderful he was.  I thought, "She's been pretty lonely for a long time."  Not only that, but she wanted to have another baby; and she wasn't getting younger.

Well, the two of them got married.  I'll never forget—it didn't take long for her to arrive at work one day, and Beth said to me—she didn't look good.  I said, "Are you okay?"  She said, "Well, we had a pretty serious disagreement this morning."  I said, "What was it about?"  

She went on to explain that her new husband had tried to tell her son a few things that he needed to do and had started shouting at him.  She said, "I got in the middle, between the two of them.  I said, ‘You're not going to talk to my son this way.’"  The whole thing just kind of crumbled into everybody going in their own direction, and nobody feeling good about the situation.  I thought, "This couple needs someone who can sit down with them and say, 'You have got to start learning some new skills if you're going to make this thing work.'"

Dennis:  At our FamilyLife marriage conference, we focus in on giving people biblical skills in knowing how to build a marriage and a family.  One of the fastest-growing segments that are attending our FamilyLife marriage conference are those who are stepfamilies—those who find themselves in remarriage situations.  I'll tell you—they're eager, Bob, for those skill sets because they've been in the real-life settings where they're afraid that they may again experience the heartache of divorce.  Not all, but many who are in stepfamilies, come about it through that route—some through the death of a spouse.

All this week—we've uncovered a resource that we wanted to bring to our listeners.  We’re really thrilled to do so because of the specialized needs of stepfamilies.  Today, we want to focus on the subject that you brought up, Bob—the subject of step-parenting and how that works its way out in this new family formation.  

Ron Deal joins us for a fourth day.  Ron, it's been a treat to have you on the broadcast this week and glad to have you on FamilyLife Today.

Ron:  Thank you.

Dennis:  Ron is a minister, a counselor, and a speaker on the subject of stepfamilies, all across the country—has a seminar that he does.  Ron, one of the areas that you find the most relevant, as you teach on this subject, is this one right here.  In fact, you break down parenting into three areas:  parenting, step-parenting, and co-parenting.  Now, you've got to help me, what's a co-parent?

Ron:  It's complicated; isn't it?

Dennis:  It is. 

Ron:  Co-parents are ex-spouses or the biological parents of the children.  In other words, if there has been a divorce situation, the children are moving back and forth between two homes.  You are no longer married to your former spouse.  If you were never married, you're not in that situation with them; but you do have an ongoing parenting relationship with them.  

The way we like to say it is there's no such thing as ex-parents.  There are only ex-spouses.  So, you're forever tied through the children.  You have to work together; otherwise, the children can divide and conquer as they move back and forth between homes—just like they could within your home.

Bob:  Yes, and I don't know in what order we want to go through parenting—step-parenting or co-parenting—but as you've addressed the co-parenting issue right here—we get letters all the time, Dennis, from people who say, "Here is my situation.  I've come to Christ.  We're trying to raise our children in a godly, Christian environment.  We've got rules and things that our kids can't do; and then, they go visit Mom or Dad on the weekend."

Dennis:  “He's living with a girlfriend”—

Bob:  “They're watching R-rated movies”— 

Dennis:  —“drinking, doing drugs”—

Bob:  —“language”—

Ron:  It's one of the most frustrating issues that I find, whether we're talking about people that are still in single-parent years or whether they're in stepfamilies.  The other household has a tremendous influence on the kids; and they ask the question, "What can we do about it?"  

Here is my answer—first, and foremost, please accept and acknowledge that you do not control what goes on in that other home.  The reason I say that is because, under the guise of being concerned, there's a lot of ex-spouses that are still trying to control their ex-.  They're still trying to tell them what to do, and they've been divorced for years.  You've got to understand that divorce means you lose your right to influence the other person.  That's one of the unfortunate results of divorce.

Dennis:  Yes; but I can hear a single-parent mom or a woman who is in a stepfamily, right now, going, "But you do not know what my son is walking off into with his stepdad.  You're not telling me to just let him go off into that situation.  God's given me responsibility to protect him from evil."

Ron:  Well, let's assume, and let's say, first of all, we're not talking about abuse situations.  We're not talking about extreme situations, where they're walking into abuse.  In non-abuse situations—what I'm trying to say is, “It's important for the children to keep their relationships alive with the biological parents, even if—and this is so difficult—but even if there is a negative influence.”  What you've got to do is—you've got to influence your kids towards Christ when they are in your home and do everything you can to influence them while they are in your home.  

Bob:  Let's say you've got an 11-year-old or a 12-year-old who is going over to Dad's.  Dad gives him a lot of freedom—no restrictions—lets him play Nintendo® all weekend long, if he wants to.  Back home, he can only play for half an hour a day; and that's after his homework is done.  All of a sudden, it's regulated.  She's thinking, "He's going to hit 13 or 14.  He's going to say, 'I want to go live with Dad.'"  How does she protect herself from that reality and keep him from wandering off to a full-time situation with Dad?

Ron:  Well, first of all, she can't keep him.  I'm sorry.  I hate to say it, but you lose control of certain things when children are moving back and forth in different homes.  What she needs to try to do is—she needs to try to influence her children.   She should not come down to Dad's level.  I think that's a big mistake that people make.  "Maybe, I need to lower my standards.  Maybe, I need to be more fun.  Maybe, we need to spend more money on the kids,” so that they—in effect—we're competing for their loyalty; and, “Somehow I can keep them in the fold that way."  It doesn't work.  

Kids grow to respect parents who maintain their boundaries.  Over time, kids will probably try out the values of the other home, at some point in time.  Sometimes they don't; but if they do, you know, that's a prodigal time.  It's very, very difficult; and you've got to continue to pray for your kids.  But most of the time, in the long run, they have a tendency to come back to where the stability is—back to where truth is.

Dennis:  You know, in that situation, the verses I'm about to read here are very difficult to choke down; but it's the truth of God's Word.  Peter writes in 1 Peter, Chapter 3, verse 9, "...not returning evil for evil or insult for insult but giving a blessing instead."  It goes on to talk about, in the next few verses, of "refraining your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking guile."  

If I were in that situation, the hardest thing for me to do would be to remain silent about the former spouse.  It would be so easy to take them on—to get so angry at the disrespect for your own belief and your faith.  Then, in addi

What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him (Part 1) - Byron Yawn

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Finally, A Father

Guest:                         Byron Yawn              

From the series:       What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him  

Bob:  Every father leaves an indelible mark, an impression on the heart of his son, for good or for evil.  Here’s pastor and author Byron Yawn.

Byron:  Whenever I ask some man “What was your relationship with your father like?” there’s always this moment where they’re trying to figure out how to say it without being critical or dishonoring their father.  I think there are some men who have suffered greatly at the hands of their fathers, so I don’t invalidate the concept that we’ve all made a victim of someone in our life.  We are wretched and sinful people, but the cross doesn’t allow us to remain victims.  The cross allows us to overcome.

Bob:  This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, May 29th.  Our host is the President of FamilyLife®, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.  Byron Yawn joins us today to talk about some of the things that all of us wish we had heard from our fathers when we were growing up.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today.  Thanks for joining us.   I was going to start today by asking you a question, and then I thought, “No, it’s probably not a good question to ask.”

Dennis:  What was the question?

Bob:  I was going to ask you, on a scale of 1 to 10, what kind of a score would you give your dad?  How did he do? – 10 being he was great, 1 he was lousy.  Then I thought, “It’s not a good question” because then you’d ask me, “Well, what score would you give your dad?” and I would go through that process of trying to evaluate the score.  Then I thought, “Do we really want people starting to score their parents?”  That’s probably not --

Dennis:  There’s a lot of that occurring today.

Bob:  There is, and I –

Dennis:  It’s on the low end of the scale, too.

Bob:  And I don’t think it’s healthy for us to go there and dwell there, and muse about it and gripe about it.

Dennis:  No, I don’t think it is.  I think what’s most important, and you’re already hinting at it – we need to be talking about what is a man, what is a dad, what does he do, and how does he function under the lordship of Jesus Christ in his life.  We have a guest with us here on FamilyLife Today, Byron Yawn, who has written a brand-new book called What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him.  Byron, welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Byron:  Thank you, Dennis.  It’s a privilege to be here.

Dennis:  Byron is a writer, a speaker; he and his wife, Robin, live near my son in Nashville, Tennessee, and they live there along with their three children, and have years of ministry.  I’m just curious, why would you tackle this subject?  You have three children.  Has the learning curve for you been a steep one as a dad?

Byron:  I think like every dad it has been steep.  The reason I tackled it on a personal level is that I was just compelled.  I’ve had many good examples in my life, and many bad examples in my life.  The truth is, I just love my sons desperately, and the world is a grinder and as a pastor I encounter a lot of failure on the male level, as husbands and young men.

Dennis:  You see a lot of men who don’t know how to be a dad?

Byron:  I do, and I see the consequence of it in young men’s lives.  So I didn’t want to be the cause of two more statistics, and I just sat down and started writing essays to my sons of things that I wanted to say to them.  So on the personal level it’s a father’s heart to his children.  Now I don’t know that I tackled it as much as it tackled me.

Bob:  You said you’ve seen good and bad examples.  You had two very clear good and bad examples, because your dad, the man who gave you life, didn’t stick around very long.

Byron:  He did not, and in no way was an example for me, nor had he had any major influence in my life.  As I look back on it now, as I’m 40, God spared me, but because of my adoptive father, Dr. Yawn, which is where I got the worst name any preacher could want –

Dennis:  Let’s spell it, so our listeners know.  They may have missed it.  It’s Y-A-W-N.

Byron:  Thanks for being explicit.

(Laughter)

Byron:  He so exemplified what it meant to be a servant, and he embodied the unconditional love of God as it is seen in the Gospel for me.  I was young enough that I didn’t have a real memory of my biological father, and I was young enough that I was forming my memories of who my father was based on the man that was in front of me.  Honestly, until the age of about 10, I didn’t really realize he wasn’t my own biological father, which I think is a testimony to his love.

Dennis:  You know, your story is providing hope for some listeners right now, who are in a second marriage, a blended family, and they’re wondering “Can redemption occur in the midst of a broken family” -- that took what was an ideal, something they had hoped for that would go the distance, and whether it was desertion, divorce, or a child out of wedlock or whatever it way, it’s now a blended family.  

Your stepfather – his first name was Victor, right? -- stepped into your life and provided a model and an influence and an impact that only God could use to imprint your life.  You had a conversation with him outside a courtroom that really impacted your life.

Byron:  That’s right.  I was around five years old, and we were in a courtroom.  It was in Mississippi, and it was a hot summer day.  I was out in the little foyer of the courtroom on a bench that looked like a pew.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  He knelt down in front of me and he said, “Would you like to be my son?” to which I said, “I didn’t know I wasn’t, but of course.”  

And I think whether biological or adoptive, a lot of fathers fail to make that connection clear.  So it was an enormous blessing.  I mean I got it; it clicked, and I always valued that relationship as a result of it.

Bob:  He went from that question into the courthouse and formalized the adoption.

Byron:  That was it.  I mean, that was the moment, and there are so many doctrines that are present in my mind as a result of my experience – adoption and inheritance and unconditional love and fatherhood.  It’s just been a great context to understand my own role as a dad.

Dennis:  Give me the essence of what he was asking you at that moment.  What was the essence when you became his son?

Byron:  In my own mind I think that what he was asking me is, “Would you like an identity?” 

Dennis:  Yes.

Byron:  It made total sense to me, because at that age it’s not complex.  It was very simple for me as a kid, as it is for most sons.  It’s about compassion and consistency and leadership.  It was enormously formative.

Dennis:  What kid doesn’t want a father?  I mean, really.

Byron:  No kid.  Even kids who have them want them.  Because there’s a difference between being present and being a participant.  Being around and being engaged are two different things, you know.

Bob:  Let me ask you about this, because you talk in your book What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him, about the terminology of the father wound, which is something we hear kicked around.  I kind of alluded to it as we were starting today’s program.  There’s a real sense that you experienced a deficit, but you kind of shy away from too much dwelling on the idea of a father wound.  Why is that?

Byron:  Well, I think the deficits are real.  I think father wounds as a label are only so helpful, but I think the reality exists.  Whenever I ask some man “What was your relationship with your father like?” there’s always this moment where they’re trying to figure out how to say it without being critical or dishonoring their father.  

I think there are some men who have suffered greatly at the hands of their fathers, so I don’t invalidate the concept, but the cross doesn’t allow us to remain victims, because we’ve all made a victim of someone in our life.  We are wretched and sinful people.  I think for some men, when they hear ‘father wound,’ or they understand the concept of the negative impact of a father, it immediately clarifies so many things in their lives, and they attach so much meaning to it, but they never get past it.  

It’s undeniably true, because it’s Biblically true, that a father is supposed to have an impact on a child, and some of those impacts are bruises.  So my message is I understand that.  Get in line, and grow from it, and don’t make the same mistakes by grace.  Don’t play the part of a victim in this role.

Dennis:  I’ve seen some victims in my lifetime.  You know, if it’s always somebody else’s fault, it’s never