Resisting The Poison of Shame EP#9

How To Love Others Without Losing Ourselves

While no one would argue with considering others, it could be worthwhile to re-examine our beliefs around being selfish. For example, do we genuinely aspire to be without concern for ourselves? Or is it important to value and love ourselves, think for ourselves, have a life of our own, and be able to love others without losing ourselves? 

In this episode, I share four self-discovery tools to help you self-assess priorities, analyze past relationships, thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors to live emotionally fit.

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This episode of Living Emotionally Fit is brought to you by The Stress & Anger Management Institute providing individual coaching and group classes for personal growth and professional advancement.

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Workplace Bullying

The Impact and Cost of Bullying

Lower Productivity -

How it costs the victim. When bullied at work, it's difficult to stay on-task and do one's best work. Bullied individuals likely feel distracted, disheartened, and disempowered. The stress of the situation also may be having physical effects, such as difficulty sleeping, fatigue, digestive problems, headaches, or muscle pain.

For many of us, our work performance closely connects to our self-esteem. We want recognition of our work. If instead, we are ridiculed or bullied, our self-esteem and confidence decline.

Company Costs -

When employees are not working to their full potential because of bullying, they're not helping the organization achieve its goals, and may even undermine the goals they are paid to accomplish. When employees don't perform, there's no return on that investment.

How bullying costs the company -

When teams of employees aren't working well together because of unhealthy relationships and bullying, it may mean that:

• More employees will quit or call in sick.

• Innovation and creativity will be down because people don't feel safe enough to take risks or make suggestions.

• Work will be done inefficiently because team members aren't communicating clearly.

• Employees will take out their frustration and anger on customers.

• The company will have to pay litigation fees and damages to the victim of bullying.

Damaged Relationships -

In a worker's search for sympathy and support, they may turn to gossip or complaining, instead of more productive solutions. Furthermore, that can affect credibility, making it harder for the individual to find resolution or gain any support. Without realizing it, they could also be perpetuating a toxic workplace environment that will undoubtedly breed more bullying.

How to Spot Workplace Bullying -

Bullying is not always easy to spot; there may be a gradual build-up of subtle intimidation or undermining behaviors. Here are some examples to contemplate. Is someone at work continually:

• Criticized or berated in front of the team? Always made to be the scapegoat and inappropriately blamed for disappointing results?

• Assigned tasks in which they are set up to fail, such as things that aren't in their skill set or nearly impossible to complete in the time allotted?

• Threatened with physical violence or unwarranted pay cuts, firing, or disciplinary action?

• Purposefully isolated from the team, being left out of the loop, and not invited to meetings or events?

What to Do If You're Experiencing Workplace Bullying

Acknowledge the situation and take care of yourself -

Drs. Gary and Ruth Namie, authors of The Bully at Work, urge you to be honest about what's happening; don't minimize it. Also, consider taking some time away from work so that you can explore your options, and restore your physical and emotional health. Find an impartial source of support that doesn't have a connection with your company.

Confront your employer -

When you feel strong enough, confront your employer about what's been going on. Nothing will change if you don't. Dr. Namies recommends that when you're approaching your superiors, focus on the costs of the bully to the company. If you focus on the emotional impact on you, you're more likely to be discredited. Present the facts: what was said or done, and the effect on the company's bottom line.

Plan your exit strategy -

Continued at The SAMI Group Blog

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Emotional Fitness

Being emotionally fit means we’re able to adapt gracefully in the face of stressful circumstances.

Improving emotional fitness has become an increasingly important topic. Traditionally, change was a short burst of disruption followed by a longer period of stable operations. Today, there are no longer any rest periods; change is continuous and enormous. The pace of change and unexpected challenges has become the new normal.

Change can affect how we view our personal and professional relationships which is why having a simple emotional fitness routine is important.

So, join me to find out how a simple emotional fitness exercise can help you thrive, and it only takes 1 minute a day!

#emotionalintelligence #angermanagement #thesamigroup #anutzabellissimo #angermanagementclasses #bethechange

Resisting The Poison of Shame EP#9

Every time Grace, a loving single parent, took time for herself, she returned home with an awful sinking feeling. She didn’t understand why. “I had so much fun, and I'm proud of myself for making time for myself,” Grace thought to herself. Rather than expand from the joyous experience, or receive the delight and enthusiasm of her self-care, she contracted.

Grace’s contraction comes from the experience of shame, a poison that keeps us from experiencing our own joy and disconnects us from the aliveness within and around us. Whereas guilt is associated with a particular memory or situation and having done something wrong, the feeling of shame is about being wrong at our core. It is a debilitating feeling we have about ourselves that comes from a core belief that we are fundamentally flawed.

Sources of Shame
The poison that is the root of shame is absorbed in early childhood. As a result of not being seen and loved for who we are, we develop the belief that we are unlovable and that something is inherently wrong with us. Perhaps we were told outright that we were bad, stupid, or undeserving, or maybe we were physically abused, from which we concluded we had no value. The thing we may have done “wrong” might have been simply expressing our joyful authenticity. Like, Grace, we learned that it's not safe to be who we truly are in our experience of self—a sense of power comes from  “knowing” that it's because we are inadequate. If our perceived  "defectiveness" is causing the results we see, we believe there is always something we can do about it. We can do things “right.” Clinging to the belief that our inadequacy is the cause of other people’s behavior towards us prevents us from accepting our inherent helplessness over others’ feelings and actions. When we begin to understand that all people at all times are merely exercising their free will and it has nothing to do with us, healing can begin.

The Antidote
By taking specific steps toward healing, you can eradicate the poison of shame:

• The first step is to identify your shame, to become aware of how it feels in your body.
• Once you recognize the feeling, notice shame every time it arises and allow yourself to experience it fully; name it and feel it.
• Be willing to express your authentic feelings—including your joy and sense of pure power. Reverse the shutting down effect shame causes
  by permitting yourself to fully “show up.”
• Accept that other people’s feelings have nothing to do with you. With compassion, choose to no longer take their behavior personally.
• Practice forgiveness—for those whose conduct led to you feeling
  shame, and for yourself.

March is National Autoimmune Disease Awareness Month,  and according to the American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association,  50 million Americans have an autoimmune disease. Studies confirm that inflammation is a common denominator among autoimmune diseases and that stress causes inflammation. Negative stressors include work overload,  relationship conflicts, no peer support, illness, and poverty. Trauma heightens the body's stress response. Dr. Vincent Felliti, a trauma expert, confirms that traumatic childhood experiences can contribute to disease. 

If you’d like help, continue reading at https://www.thesamigroup.com/blog 

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