Help! We Are Not Sexually Compatible

Help! We Are Not Sexually Compatible

Recently I had the honor of meeting with Dr. Jess for her podcast, Sex with Dr. Jess and we spoke about sexual compatibility. I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I think folk use the idea of being sexually compatible as a cop out.  What I mean is that we often work hard as hell to NOT try but then blame everything on sexual compatibility. We will say there is no chemistry, that we feel off, and have really done no work. Now, you know that I am a whole assed sex and relationship therapist so ima give you a short run down on the tea spilt in that conversation with Dr. Jess.

3 Tips to Manage Anxiety at Night

TL; DR: anxiety can happen a lot at night because of the last thing you ate, the last thing you watched, or that stuff that never got figured out in the day because now your brain is quiet. Manage that nighttime anxiety by managing what you eat, see, and by creating a routine that gives you great rest!

How to Be More Extroverted in Reverse

Photo by Nicole Berro

There are numerous articles and lists available that teaches introverts how to become more extroverted. They want introverts to speak more, be more confident, show up and show out. But what about the other way around? 

 There are not nearly as many articles that teach folk about the benefits and the how on being introverted. Why? 

 That’s because of the misconception that introverts are shy, soft-spoken, easily anxious, and awkward folks. But more than that, we see introverted traits as being less than and something about ourselves to hide. Truth is— there’s more to that “silence” an introvert brings than just being socially awkward. Being silent misleads people into thinking that introverts have low self-esteem.

It might be a surprise but the term “introvert” itself came from the Latin word “intro” which means “inward” and “vertre” means “turning”. The term “introvert” itself describes a kind of people who are more reserved and look inward rather than accepting what’s seen on the surface. 

The reason why introverts love being alone is that they can energize independently and don’t rely on other people to be energetically influenced. They tend to think before they speak and prefer deep conversations rather than “small talk”. 

With that being said, they’re nice folks to hang out with. They give introspective conclusions, listen well, and better know what they want and what they need. And the skills that an introvert has can be useful to extroverts, too. So here are 3 ways to be a bit more introverted!

 How To be An Introvert!

#1. Sit down and think

Sit down and think about what it is that you want to say and why you want to say it. Introverted, or extroverted, we all need some time to hit pause- sit down and think. It might sound counterproductive, but pausing and sitting down to think helps us grasp more about what’s happening around us, our emotions, and our feelings.

With the constant distraction of hustling, or always pushing ourselves to be always on the go, hustling and grinding, we set aside ourselves in the process. We don’t even give time to think and ask ourselves about what we need and want. Having some quiet time and being alone will help us check on ourselves inwardly. We get to finally think about what we need and want.

It will strengthen your self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-confidence. It’s all about finding yourself and trusting who you are. Look at how beautiful you are without the constant influence of other people! You should be proud of who you are inside and outside. If you’ve decided to finally have some quiet time alone, you can learn more about self-esteem here!

#2. Observe

Observing ain’t much more than “Read The Room.” And let’s be real, some of us need a little more help in this area. Observe what is going on around you. Note how people seem to be feeling, what they might be thinking, and generally note how they're interacting or not interacting with the people around you. Taking time to observe the people around you improves your awareness. It makes you more aware of yourself and it will help you be more introspective in the way you interact or approach other people. 

If your world is in turmoil and you are constantly caught up in chasing time, observing will help you ease up and calm down. Try and disconnect for a while from all the jazz and busyness, and just take time to stroll around. Observe the beauty of the surroundings, and the smiles of the people walking with you on the street. You can take a break and observe while buying your favorite coffee down the street. Being in the moment and feeling in the moment helps us to be more appreciative and thankful. 

Not only does this improve your social interactions, but it also improves you inwardly. The more you observe, the more you become mindful to distractions. It teaches your brain to concentrate and take control. And there’s self-confidence in knowing that there’s more that’s in your control. 

#3. Mind your business.

Minding your own business means literally minding what’s within your business, not to mention, it’s great for your mental health! Part of your business is yourself, the things you care about, and the people you love.

Minding your own business is the reason why introverts love deep conversations. And why in a conversation do they prefer to listen more than talk. It’s a good practice to take time and digest what you’re friends, family, or the person you love is talking about. Noticing those details in their story helps you become a better friend, family, or partner to them. 

Being in your own mind to care about the people in your circle, and yourself will eliminate the distractions life throws at us.

Try and think about your business, feel your business, and consider your business to cultivate deeper connections with your friends, your small group of friends who you say you love. It doesn’t do any harm to learn from the introverts and move beyond the “small talk” into the deeper unexplored areas of who they are and who you are.

Final thoughts

 Society trends have made being an introvert synonymous with being quiet, soft-spoken, socially apprehensive, and awkward in social circumstances. Just because a person is quiet doesn’t mean they’re shy. There is a distinction to be made between introversion, social anxiety, and shyness.

The truth is— introverted folk prefer to examine themselves within. They are concerned with what is going on inside them, and they monitor and understand other people. They let others be themselves and do their thing because they realize this. That’s how introverted people think before they speak. 

Being an introvert is as good as being an extrovert and does NOT require them to change who they are to make others more comfortable.

They're probably more introverted people around you than you know. And they might be noticing things about you and the other people around us that we don’t usually notice.

Introverts make up from ⅓ to ½ of the world’s population. So, whenever you meet one that is kind of quiet and reserved—- don’t jump to conclusions and assume that they’re shy or they “need fixing.” Not all introverts are the same. Learning about the misconceptions and some of their good qualities can help improve our understanding of people who are different from us. 

So, I don’t know why anyone would want the introvert to be anything other than what they are, if you truly value people for who they are and how they show up.

Celebrating Juneteenth While Dealing with Racial Trauma

While most Black folk are looking forward to celebrating “Juneteenth” on June 19, I’d like to use this time to draw attention to highlight a more serious issue; particularly mental health issues and the racial trauma experienced by many Black folks. 

Why am I doing this? You might think, “Oh, you’re being such a buzzkill,” or “Let’s just celebrate the happy occasion,” – and I will! I’m actually stoked about Juneteenth – but I’d also like to talk about certain things that don’t always get the spotlight. 

Yes, Juneteenth was truly a momentous win for us Black folk, but sadly, we’re still plagued by ethnic discrimination, racial bias, racism, and hate crimes up to this day; it’s a sad reality that many of us still face. 

This is why I’d like to talk more about Juneteenth, as well as racial trauma – along with useful resources that provide support to Black and African American individuals. So, let’s dive in! 

About Juneteenth

So, you know that Juneteenth is an important day for Black folk, but do you truly know what happened on that day? Here’s a snippet of a proclamation that was made on June 19:

“The people of Texas are informed that, in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of personal rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired labor. The freedmen are advised to remain quietly at their present homes and work for wages. They are informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military posts and that they will not be supported in idleness either there or elsewhere.” — General Orders, Number 3; Headquarters District of Texas, Galveston, June 19, 1865

It was a truly historical day – federal troops arrived in Galveston, Texas in 1865, took control of the state, and guaranteed that all enslaved people were freed. The troops’ arrival came a full two and a half years after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation!

This day was truly monumental as it marked the end of slavery in the US….well, more like the slavery of the time, since we all know that prisons and the “justice” system took it’s place. But I digress.

Also, did you know that it’s considered the longest-running African American holiday? In 1979, Texas officially became the first state to make Juneteenth an official holiday. Over the years, several other states followed suit. It officially became a federal holiday on June 17, 2021, when President Biden signed it into law. 

Juneteenth is a significant event in American history and shows us that freedom and racial equality have always been a hard-fought battle for Black folks – a battle that sadly continues to this day.

Dealing with Racial Trauma

There are so many ways you can observe and celebrate Juneteenth, from educating yourself to supporting Black businesses (like AnnodRight), to using your voice to spread the love. You can also take time to learn more about prominent Black figures in American history and share stories of Black folks you admire. Especially since wyt folk have spent so much time working to erase the history.

Personally, I’d like to take this time to draw attention to the fact that we are still facing an uphill battle to this day. While I can’t deny that there have been significant improvements, Black folks are still dealing with discrimination, racism, and hate crimes that result in more racial trauma. 

What is racial trauma? Also known as Race-Based Traumatic Stress (RBTS), racial trauma is defined by Mental Health America as “mental and emotional injury caused by encounters with racial bias and ethnic discrimination, racism, and hate crimes”. 

While there have been many great strides in terms of acceptance, many Black folks still face discrimination to this day–especially the darker and more kinky hair’d you are. 

Discrimination can be a very traumatic experience. It can cause similar symptoms to PTSD, as well as anxiety and depression. Exposure to discrimination, either indirectly or directly, can trigger racial trauma. 

Symptoms. So, how do you know you’re experiencing racial trauma? Many people with racial trauma experience PTSD symptoms, especially after direct experiences of discrimination or hate crimes. 

Symptoms may include: 

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Hypervigilance 

• Avoidance Behaviors

• Loss of Appetite 

• Sleeping Problems

• Nightmares or Flashbacks

• Increased Substance Use

Coping with racial trauma. Now, how do you deal with racial trauma? You might be asking, “Is it even possible to recover from such hate that’s being directed at me?” 

It may be difficult to imagine right now, but let me tell you: It IS possible. But, I do have to say that it won’t be easy; it’ll take a lot of time, effort, and patience, especially since it keeps coming at us, directly and indirectly, but you have to know that healing is possible. 

So, how do you do it? First and foremost, self-care is key. Racial trauma can affect  your physical, sexual, and mental health, so prioritize self-care, eat regularly, get enough rest, throw in some body movement, and prioritize pleasure.. 

Aside from self-care, here are some other ways you can cope with racial trauma: 

• Being seen and heard is crucial to healing. If you’re looking for someone to talk to – someone who you can engage in racially conscious conversations with and who can help you process your emotions and thoughts, I invite you to join “In My Black Feelings” sessions. Weekly meetings are starting and you can join by clicking here. As you join us, you’ll be able to meet other Black folks who’ll truly understand what you’re going through – you can share your story or simply listen to others. This is a safe place where you can just be. 

• Explore opportunities for activism. For some people, connecting with other Black folks in community – and engaging in different forms of activism – can be a very healing experience. 

• Engage in mindfulness, prayer, spiritual practices, and the use of positive mantras. There are some great ones on the Therapy For Black Girls website

• Learn to recognize the symptoms of racial trauma (such as those mentioned above). Then, identify ways to cope with these symptoms. Keeping a list of 10 or more go-to coping skills on your phone is a great way to make sure you are never caught slippin’. More than anything it means tha

Jessie Williams: Consent F*cking Matters

Picture retrieved from: https://www.pride.com/theater/2022/5/12/jesse-williams-nude-leak-leads-new-security-measures-theater

Black folk have always had an interesting relationship with the word consent. I say interesting when really I mean to speak of a history of violation that has happened, usually at the hands of white people who believed they could own, and in some ways continue to think they do own, the bodies of others and their autonomy. 

Think about how colorism plays into who is allowed to consent and when. For dark skinned women, they are told to feel “lucky” that anyone would view them as an object of sexual desire. For light skinned women, they have already be saddled with the trope of the Jezebel, insatiable sexual appetite that makes rape nearly impossible, and consent a given. But what about Black men? Men are seen as the “Black Buck” ready for mounting at a moments notice. What about if you add that into how light skinned men are made to be less masculine, but still strapped to the idea of the Black buck? Sometimes the tropes make it so that light skinned Black men need to prove their manliness through sexual exploits and in-your-face sexual appetite. And there are some who would prove it for them by putting their bodies on display for others to see much like what happened to Jessie Williams.

But allow me to hit you with the head line:

the picture and video-taking of Jessie Wiliiams’ body was a violation of his right to choose. A sexual violation of his consent. 

When there is “sex,” however, we define it, we understand the violation (in many circumstances), but somehow that understanding becomes diminished or forgotten when we are talking about the image of someones body, especially if that someone is famous/a celebrity, especially if that person is Black, and usually, but not in this case, when that person is a woman. 

Power is always at play when there is a violation of someone's consent. The violator is in some way saying that what I want is more important than what you want, even if it costs you your mental health and wellbeing. 

Even if the person who took the picture is a woman of color (and I don’t know), this would still be a display of white supremacist partiarchy at play. How? Because we have internalized it so much that even Black women can be agents of white supremacists patriarchy. We have learned its rules and how they apply to us. While many of us like to see ourselves as the people who gnash their teeth and fight the power and the system, many of us are happy to be complicit, while still others aren't even aware of how they uphold the system they so hate. We expect men and white people, in some ways, to violate the rights of others, doing what makes them happy, comfortable, and content even at the expense of the peace of mind and needs of others–because the history of power has supported their right to choose for others for themselves. If a white woman took that photo, she acted in white supremacy which doesn't believe that Black people own their own bodies. And we know this has continued to be true as personal space violations abound with white folk reaching out to touch someone else. If the person was a white man, same shit. If they were a Black man, they were an agent. Simple, right?

Maybe that seems too much like B.S. to you to believe that it can all be blamed on white supremacist cis-het patriarchal capitalism, but that is what I blame most things on because just about everything can be (and likely should be) viewed through the lens that created the United States as it stands today.

The Point is…

Jesse Williams body does not belong to the public at large. If we want to see his body, it should not be shared all over Twitter, like a pack of gum between friends. We are meant to either go see the show in person or not see it (his body) at all. I feel the need to say this because I think that we got lost in all of our ooohing and ahhhing about the beauty of his body that we forgot that for him this is a sexual violation. His celebrity status doesn't mean that he stops being a person who gets to make determinations about what happens to his body and its image. And nor does his being a light skinned Black man. If a  theater says that no pictures or video should be taken, then it is up to us to actually follow those rules. Because otherwise what we're doing violates the consent of the very living people who are on the stage who are in front of us performing. 

And psst…NO. It doesn’t matter if YOU would be okay with it. It’s not about treating others the way YOU want to be treated, it's about treating them the way THEY want to be treated.

And he said no.