265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? (ft. Violet Lange) [replay]
1h 6m
·
Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women
·
If you want a thriving, connected sex life with your partner, but feel like something's in the way ... it could be sexual trauma.
The fact is, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are survivors of child sexual abuse. To put that in perspective, that's 42 million women and 21 million men in the US alone.
The bad news? We don't talk about this nearly enough, so it can feel overwhelming and scary to address. The good news? It is addressable, and no matter who you are or what happened, you can have a beautiful, connected, and deeply fulfilling sex life. It just takes some work to get there.
Here we talk about how you, as a man who has sex with women, can identify the signs that a partner may have a sexual trauma background
If you've ever been with a partner who seems to check out during sex (disassociates), tends to avoid sex altogether, or has certain triggers (like certain lighting or movements on your part that cause her to tense up), it could be this.
We also talk about how to bring it up and talk about it in a way that feels safe and welcoming. It's a sensitive topic and it takes a lot of trust for a woman to tell you this is part of their history (and vice versa — it takes a lot of trust for you, as a man, to let her know if you're a survivor). Knowing more about how to respond well and help to lead and guide the conversation will only help you expand and embody the healthy masculine.
A vital truth is that if your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), it affects your sex life — meaning it impacts both of you. We also discuss how you can support your woman and also address your own sexual needs (without coming off as ignorant or insensitive).
Because when it comes down to it, we all want to love one another as best we can. And sex is a big part of that.
Books referenced in this episode:
• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick
• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate
Ready to go beyond the podcast?
We love working with men who are ready to do the work!
If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.
(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
The episode 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? (ft. Violet Lange) [replay] from the podcast Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women has a duration of
1:06:03. It was first published
More episodes from Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women
311: What does it really mean to be emotionally available? (ft. Violet Lange)
Ever chased emotionally unavailable women? Ever dropped a connection because you felt overwhelmed, or like something was "off" but you couldn't quite name what it was? Ever been uncomfortable with the "mess" of dealing with someone else's emotions, or been hesitant to share your own out of a fear of rocking the boat? Then this episode will resonate.
Here we talk directly about avoidant attachment traits -- including what they've been like for us personally. For example, finding something small but unappealing about someone (like what kind of shoes they wear), and having that get in the way of relationship.
We do this to bring these patterns to light, so that we can learn to work with them. When it comes to the different attachment styles, including anxious, avoidant, and anxious/avoidant (aka disorganized attachment), we also want to be clear that we can always move towards secure attachment, and that learning and growth are more than possible.
---
More episodes on this topic:
- Dear Men episode 196: Did you experience emotional neglect as a kid? Here's how to know
- Dear Men episode 62: What do you do if you're not sure she's "The One"? (ft. Dr. Laura Kasper) (this one goes more into de-activating strategies mentioned on this episode)
---
Work with us
Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.
To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a callhere. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
310: How do I initiate sex without coming off as demanding? (ft. me)
Sexy time, pickers, and dating, oh my! Here I answer the following three common client or listener questions:
- "I’ve heard women say it’s a red flag if the man has not had relationship experience. What do you say?"
- "One issue I've had is selecting the right female partner. What is a good way to guide myself to go about doing this?" (My picker is off)
- "How do I initiate sex without coming off as demanding? I come from a relationship where I think I pressured her into sex, or I wrongly felt sex was owed to me … how can I now be bold in initiation without coming across as pressuring?"
---
I want to give a shoutout to the men who asked these questions. It's brave to put yourself out there and ask about what you really want to know.
Got a question you want me to cover? Hit me up at dearmen at gmail.com.
---
Work with us
Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.
To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a callhere. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
309: How do you know when it's time to get a divorce? (ft. Jason Lange)
When is it time to stay and work on things in your marriage, and when is it time to let things go? Perhaps you can relate to scenarios like these:
- You're worn out and exhausted because you're always the one reaching out to your wife and never getting anything back
- You're great co-parents but your sex life is DOA
- As a couple you rarely or never openly fight, but there's constant, underlying tension
- You feel like you can never get it right with her, and often feel hopeless about experiencing the intimacy you so deeply crave
---
The truth is, sometimes it's clear that a relationship isn't working, but sometimes it isn't. If you're unsure and trying to figure it out on your own, you're not alone.
Many of our clients have been through the muck and confusion of trying to figure out their marriage, and here they share the depth of their hearts in that process.
Both marriage and divorce can be sources of great pain, shame, and longing. They can also be sources of transformation, spiritual growth, awakening, and freedom.
Here we delve into what to do when you don't yet have clarity around your marriage. We also touch on what it takes to improve your relationship, and how to make the determination with as much grace as possible.
And remember: "There can absolutely be miraculous turnarounds in relationships when both partners are committed and willing."
---
Work with us
Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.
To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a callhere. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
---
Memorable quotes from this episode:
- "It’s very easy for men to fall into a place of isolation in life."
- "If one person is not willing to step into the growth, there’s not much you can do."
- "I keep inviting my partner into that and she’s unwilling."
- "Sometimes the greatest act of leadership is to stop tolerating mediocrity."
- "When there’s a vibrant, passionate sexual connection between the couple, it lights up the whole family system."
308: Are you staying together for the kids? There may be another way to go. (ft. Jason Lange)
If your marriage isn't working, you're suffering. Maybe you're fighting all the time (whether aloud or not). Maybe you're great co-parents, but you don't connect in an intimate way anymore. And when I say "intimate" I'm not just talking about sex; I'm talking about warmth, closeness, and connection.
Should you automatically stay in a relationship because there are children involved?
The fact is, kids are perceptive and intuitive. They're aware when there's distance or discord between parents, even if they don't talk about it. And whatever you're doing in your relationship, you're role-modeling what a romantic relationship is. Is yours one you'd want your kids to have?
Here, we go over "making it work" and relationship dynamics that do affect the kids -- and not in a good way. Sometimes it's possible to repair a marriage, and sometimes it's not. Put more frankly, sometimes the best thing to do is to separate for both you and the kids.
Growth always requires getting uncomfortable, and if you want your family to truly thrive, sometimes delving head-on into discomfort is the brave and loving thing to do.
Work with us
Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old, often intergenerational trauma patterns, and transform their sex & love lives for good.
To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a callhere. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
307: What's the difference between feminine storm and feminine rage? (ft. Shana James)
Have you ever been scared of your wife / woman partner? Ever been harmed by her? If yes, it's likely you never felt like you could talk to anyone about it because you were afraid of what they would say, or whether they would shame you.
In polarity work, we often talk about feminine storm. But where's the line between feminine storm, feminine rage, and abuse? We want to break the silence and go into this.
According to the CDC, one in seven men in the U.S. has suffered severe physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner. But physical violence isn't the only thing that can happen; emotional abuse is also deeply harmful, and very common for some of our clients.
The truth is, there is a way to work with strong emotions without harming a partner. Here, we, as two women who are attracted to men, share our own personal stories of the difference between our feminine storm and our feminine rage. Healthy relationships are predicated on being able to handle conflict well, and that's a skill many of us still need help with.
We also help you know: As a man, how do you know whether your partner is within the realm of normal -- if what you're going through is normal?
Know that it's always possible to recover from a toxic relationship, and that more is possible.
Work with us
Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.
To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a callhere. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
---
Memorable quotes from this episode:
- "Allowing women to be emotional and have emotions like anger, rather than shutting down and being intellectual."
- "Can we work this through together in our shared nervous system?"
- "Many of us shove our anger inside and then we’re tense and anxious and depressed."
- "It’s masterful to be able to feel an emotion, witness, and communicate about it."
- "We’re sharing feelings, not dumping feelings."
- "I want to blame you! I want to make you wrong!"
---
Mentioned on this episode:
- Statistics on intimate partner abuse (aka domestic violence) against men
- Domestic violence hotline for men
- Borderline Personality Disorder