To Share or Not to Share: Which Personal Stories Should You Include in Your Writing?
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Ann Kroeker, Writing Coach
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Nearly everyone who writes personal stories in any form has agonized over how much to share. Will writing about an issue from childhood break Mom's heart? Should I change the name of a high school teacher? The next-door neighbor? The dog? The children? Are the hyacinths blooming by the mailbox worth mentioning? We write. We worry. Is this naval gazing or vulnerability? Will people feel I'm airing the dirty laundry or sharing my own struggles so others might find healing? https://youtu.be/bzd7a8J4UXc Stories Bring YOU into Your Writing But...stories! Goodness, stories set your projects apart from all other essays, articles, and books, becauseonly youhad that encounter, that experience, that struggle, thattransformation. When you make a claim and support it with your own life story,no one elsecould have written that piece. Stories create connection between reader and writer. Stories convey universal truths through specific situations. You don't have to share your darkest eras or most embarrassing moments to offer transformative stories to readers. You don't have to bare all to be a generous and effective storyteller. You get to choosewhat to share with the public on a blog or in an article...andyou get to choosewhat will live only in a journal, shoved under your mattress. Our Three Lives A few years ago, I found a quote from author Gabriel García Márquez, suggesting we have three lives: A Public life A Private life A Secret life ANewsweekarticlewrites: About [Márquez's] own romantic passions, though, the author remained tight-lipped. He told his biographer Gerald Martin "with the expression on his face of an undertaker determinedly closing a coffin lid back down, that 'everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life and a secret life'." When Martin asked if Márquez might give him access into the latter, he replied: "No, never."1 Kenneth Samples atReasons to Believedescribes these three lives: A Public Life:This is the side of themselves that people present at work, church, civic arenas, and other public contexts. This is how people are generally seen in their daily life outside the home. A Private Life:This is the side of life that people share with family and close friends. Only a person’s inner circle...gets to see this “version.” A Secret Life:This is the side of life known only to an individual. In can include one’s private thoughts and secret actions. People may be aware of their secret life, but that is not always the case. The reality of the secret life may be unknown even to the individual person himself for all of us have blind spots that stand in the way of true self-realization2 As writers, we are in control. Like Márquez, we get to choose the stories that will be part of the essay, the memoir, the interview—the public self. And we get to choose the stories that will never be told—that will remain part of our secret life. Isn't that freeing? You get to write, andyou get to choose. My Stories — Our Stories My primary newsletter is my coaching newsletter. It's how I show up in your inbox to support your writing goals and encourage you on your writing journey. I share as much as possible to help you make progress. You may have noticed I share very few personal stories. I guess I default to keeping a lot of my life out of the public eye. To explore that, I decided to launch a side project on Substack that I'm callingStory Hatchery. The premise? We can outwit AI and learn more about ourselves by capturing and crafting our stories. We need a safe place to do that, a haven for storytelling. That'sStory Hatchery. I'll be writing my own stories, using prompts I'll share with you. You'll get a peek at my writing process, including drafts leading up to a final version. I'll pass along storytelling wisdom from people who inspire me.
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Prep, Plan, and Pack to Get the Most out of Your Next (or First!) Writers’ Conference
Are you getting ready to attend a writers’ conference? Guess what? So am I! And I want to make the most of my time there, so let’s think through what will help with that. You’re likely going for at least two reasons: to learn and to connect. You might also be going to pitch your project.Let’s prep, plan, and pack to get the most out of this upcoming event, so you’re even better prepared to learn, connect, and pitch. And given that I work with a lot of published authors and speakers, it’s possible you’re one of the presenters. One day I might share detailed speaker recommendations, but for now I did weave in a few suggestions to make your faculty conference experience a little easier, too. Event Binder First, I should mention the Event Binder. This idea originated with Kathi Lipp on an episode of Writing at the Red House. Years ago I heard her describe what she includes in her “dossier,” as she calls it, and I’ve adopted and adapted the list to make it my own. I load it up with all travel information (printed out, obviously) like reservations, and confirmations; contact names and emails; an envelope for receipts; a mileage tracker where I can log each outing; a printout of the schedule; and more. If I’m speaking, I print out copies of my messages in case technology fails. That said, I do create redundancy by dropping the same information into a folder on my phone in an app like Google Drive or Notion. And I’ll save the key locations in my maps app so it’s a quick click and I’m on my way. If you’d like a list of what I have in my Event Binder whether I’m an attendee or speaker, head to annkroeker.com/conferenceprep to get a checklist. Research Speakers Hopefully you already read the session descriptions when choosing this conference and got a feel for the presenters and other faculty. Study the conference website Now, in the days before the event, study the website to learn about the organizers and faculty. You never know who you’ll be sitting next to at lunch or crossing in the hallway—knowing the team and speakers means you’ll be able to connect more personally during any random interaction. Follow and watch or listen to speakers online Find and follow key faculty on social media. Search YouTube and podcasts to find your favorite speakers. Listen to at least a few minutes of their interviews, presentations, or lectures. [Edited to add an excellent suggestion from writer Li Mitchell, who replied to my newsletter and suggested “joining presenters' email newsletters (if they have them) and getting to know them through email before you attend their conference …because then when you met them in person, you would already have spoken through email.”] When you do this, each speaker will lift off the pages of the conference materials and seem even more “real” when you hear them tell a personal story about family or childhood in a podcast interview. You’ll get to hear their voice. You’ll see mannerisms if you see them on video. If you have time before the event, you could read one of their books. Write what you discover If you create an Event Binder, write questions to ask and details you learn next to their name and session description. If you need more space for key bits of information, grab a sticky note so you have more room to write. If the speaker says something that stands out—like a hobby, a school, or a trip you relate to in some way—write that down, too. These little notes are handy—if you brush up on what you’ve written before their session and meet them afterwards, you’ve got a conversation starter (“I heard you love Belgium—my husband’s from Belgium, and I love it, too!”). The more I learn in advance, the more excited I get about the conference. I hope you do, too. Find Friends who Plan to Attend Most events like attendees to use an event-specific hashtag on social media. In fact, they might tag you or share your posts when you ...
How to Choose Your Next (or First!) Writers’ Conference
Attending my first writers’ conference proved to be life-changing—or at least career-changing. In the years since, I’ve attended a wide range of writing events, and each one has in some way substantially contributed to my career. Some deepened my knowledge, others expanded my professional network—most did both. I can’t imagine where I’d be without them. Could a writers’ conference be a life-changing/knowledge-deepening/network-expanding opportunity in your future, even this year? If yes, how do you determine the right conference for you? This post is the first of a short series on how to get the most out of your next (or first!) writers’ conference, starting with how to choose your next (or first!) writers’ conference. The Gifts of a Writers' Conference In the early days of my writing career, I explored freelance writing. Thanks to a mentor, I learned how to pitch myself as a writer for companies looking to outsource things like company newsletters and I gained a few core clients. That launched my professional writing business. But as a creative writing major attracted to poetry and essay writing, I wanted to explore other types of writing and submit to magazines, for example, so I picked up everything I could from library books. The books, while excellent, were not enough to answer all my questions or help focus my efforts. And the internet did not exist at that time. In time, I instinctively knew I needed to start connecting with writers and learn from them. In fact, I started to crave it. Somehow I heard about an event in Chicago called Write to Publish. I registered and attended it as my very first writers’ conference. Nervous and unsure what to expect, I showed up and sat through sessions, as speaker after speaker delivered talks that energized my creativity, while the speakers themselves embodied a life I wanted to pursue: that of a working writer building a body of work to be proud of. Many first-time conference attendees feel so overwhelmed by the flood of information at events like these, they conclude they could never pull it off and give up, walking away from writing and publishing altogether. I felt overwhelmed, yes, but mostly excited and empowered. It was exactly what I wanted; it was exactly what I needed. By the end of the conference, I interacted with attendees who in time became colleagues. I met someone who became another writing mentor. Those conference connections formed the beginnings of my professional network. If you attend a writing conference… You could meet your next coach or mentor. You could meet like-minded writers and form a writers’ group. You could meet industry leaders who offer to look over your project. You could meet someone who introduces you to key people you only dreamed of meeting one day. You could meet a writing buddy who becomes an accountability partner. If you’re considering attending a conference or any kind of writing event for the first time, I hope you find it proves to be a pivotal step in your journey. You never know how a chance encounter in the hallway or a timid hello as you take your seat in the auditorium could be the start of a professional relationship or a literary friendship that changes your life. Writer’s Conference or Writers’ Conference? As we dive into what a writers’ conference is and how to choose the right one for you, we have to face two small but fascinating issues. One, believe it or not, is punctuation; the other is labels. Let's start with punctuation. You surely think this is overkill, but humor me for a minute. Sometimes you’ll see an event called a writers’ conference, other times a writer’s conference. Occasionally you might spot a writers conference with no apostrophe. And then a few call their events writing conferences, avoiding the need for an apostrophe altogether. In most industries, no one would care one bit about this level of detail.
Help! I want to write a book. Do I have what it takes?
I stared at a blank screen. Why did I ever think I could pull this off? Until that moment, I’d only written short projects. Articles, essays, poems. As I sat staring at the screen, questioning myself in about every way possible, I was supposed to be writing my first book—a manuscript of over 50,000 words. Overwhelmed, I sat at the keyboard, frozen. Sound familiar? Have you felt inspired to write a book you believe will truly help people—even transform them—but you’re not sure you have what it takes? Well, once upon a time, this multi-published writing coach was in the exact same place. I was staring at the screen, inspired to write a book, but doubting myself: Do I have what it takes to write a book? Could I Write Something as Big as a Book? How does an essayist-poet-freelancer embark on the massive task of completing a 55,000-word manuscript? That question felt unanswerable and I felt inadequate. This prose-freezing self-doubt was a huge problem, however, because I’d signed a contract. I was obligated to write a book I didn’t think I could write. First, a Proposal For a year or so my friends had been urging me to move forward with writing a book after I kept sharing concepts with them in conversations over coffee or during play dates at the park. One after another, they would say, “You should write a book about that!” I’d laugh it off. “Me? Write a book? Ha!” “But you’re a writer!” they’d insist. “I’m a writer of short things. A book is too long, too huge.” They’d shrug and we’d go back to wiping yogurt off our kids’ faces. One day I was meeting with my mentor, a writer named Ruth (I had two writing mentors named Ruth—what are the odds!—and this was the Ruth who lived nearby). Nearby Ruth was the author of a book acquired by a publishing house based about three hours north of us. She offered to introduce me to the editorial team, so I could pitch the idea to them over lunch. She said she’d drive me up there herself! All I had to do was hop in the car, share the project with them, and hand out copies of a book proposal. It was all arranged. What a great mentor, right? I just needed to create the book proposal…which I didn’t have the faintest idea how to put together. "You can look at mine" “I need a book proposal? Can’t I just describe the book?” “They need the book proposal,” Ruth said. “That’s how they do it.” It’s the same now as it was then, by the way. For nonfiction projects, an author produces a book proposal before landing a book contract with an agent or editor. (Learn more about the process and purpose by watching this webinar.) Back then, I had no idea what a book proposal looked like. This was pre-Internet, so there were no samples to download or coaches to hire. “You can look at mine,” Ruth offered. “You can see how it’s laid out and how I described my book. Then you can plug in your book’s details in the same places.” Can you believe that? My mentor offered to let me see her own book proposal like it was no big deal. But it was pivotal. Life-changing. Career-forming. Crafting my First Book Proposal Hers was the first book proposal I ever saw.I pored over it, following the flow to craft my own. Her subheadings showed me the purpose of each section. Her content gave me ideas for how to phrase the business-y stuff about mine. Weeks of work went into that document. I wrote the overview, typed up a bio, and listed famous people I could ask for an endorsement (I didn’t personally know famous people, but at that point in my life I knew people who knew people, so I added names with an explanation of each friend-of-a-friend connection). Then I got to the meat of the proposal: The Table of Contents. The chapter summaries. This took time, because I was essentially writing the book without writing the book, and if you recall, I’d never written a book before so I had no idea what I was doing.
Never Go to Bed without a Story to Tell
"Never go to bed until you have a story to tell," says Kevin Lynch, Creative Director at Oatly. I heard him interviewed on a podcast and stopped jogging to write down what he said about that daily story: It could be a deep thing that you learned, it could be a movie that you saw, it could be a way you took home, it could be a conversation that you had…it could be anything.”1 Indeed, we can live a “storied life” without a celebrity-level lifestyle full of famous people and fabulous soirees. We’re living “story-worthy” moments each day—we simply need to notice them…and capture them. Every day we have understated interactions and flashes of insight that create meaning. In fact, simpler, subtler, more relatable stories can captivate readers far better than wild escapades that don’t show any change. These daily stories serve as fodder for our work, weaving into what we write as anecdotes, illustrations. Sometimes they serve as the narrative spine of a full-length project. Thus, the more stories, the better—as Kevin Lynch observed in that interview, capturing a story each day gives us 365 stories every single year. To start your story collection today, try these three ways to ensure you have a story to tell by the time your head hits the pillow tonight: Reflect to discern your "story-worthy” moment from the day Create a story worth telling before closing your eyes for the night Gather memories that come to mind and use those as story prompts 1. Reflect on the Day to Discern Your “Story-Worthy” Moment In his TEDx Talk, on his podcast, in his book Storyworthy, and at his blog, storyteller Matthew Dicks invites every person, not just writers, to document their “most story-like moment from the day” for what he calls Homework for Life™. He takes five minutes at the end of each day and thinks back: What made this day different from all the rest?2 The idea is so simple. He writes a sentence or two—sometimes just a string of words—and later, when he has time to write it out in full, he’s got what he needs to bring back that memory from that day: the moment he chose to document. With his Homework for Life™, we note the small discoveries, the daily surprises, those meaningful moments we don’t want to lose. In other words, these daily stories don’t need to be earth-shattering events. They can be quiet, understated internal shifts. He keeps his in a spreadsheet, making it easy to search keywords and find connections and themes from year to year.3 Begin this process, and you’ll be transformed by seeing how ephemeral interactions, observations, and moments are actually filled with meaning…that a day that seems like any other day is packed with specificity. We are living stories every single day. 2. Create a story worth telling The next way to avoid going to bed until you have a story to tell is to create a story. That’s what Kevin Lynch suggests: “If someone asks, ‘How was your day?’ and you don't have a story to tell them, go create one."4 He continues, "By doing so, it pushes you out of your comfort zone and kind of gets you used to doing a little more experimentation and being vulnerable and putting yourself in vulnerable places or situations."5 What story could you create before bed?Could you... read a surprising story? pull off a stunt? record a silly video with a family member? send an email to someone famous? Or maybe the story you plan to tell before going to bed isn’t something that happened on that day—maybe it’s a memory, and that's what you'll create? If so, this next approach will be worth incorporating into your daily storytelling habit. 3. Gather memories to use as story prompts During the holidays, as an example, you may string some lights, stir up mugs of cocoa, and next thing you know you’re flooded with memories. Some might be magical childhood Christmas mornings; others might be hard years of loss.
Write Better and Faster (and Reach More People) When You Practice in Public
When I was in college, practicing in public meant sitting under an oak tree on campus, flipping open my spiral-bound notebook, and scratching out a poem as students walked the path beside me. Creative writing classes gave me another way to practice in public, when my poems were workshopped by my peers. As a young adult building a freelance writing career, I submitted my work to literary journals and magazines—that was about the only way I could practice in public. Those low-tech days limited how and where we could share our words. Today, the world has exploded with numerous ways to practice in public—I can share my work with you using tools I couldn’t have dreamed of when I sat under that oak tree on campus. Some of my content goes out through my coaching newsletter, my Substack newsletter called Story Hatchery, social media, and my website. Tools to Practice in Public At the click of a button, from the palms of our hands, we can instantly share our work with the world using: websites newsletter apps like Substack, Beehiiv, and Ghost social media platforms like LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, and Threads Each time we hit “publish” or “post,” we’re practicing in public. And each time we turn around and write another piece, we have more experience, more input, and more empowerment to become a better writer. Benefits for Writers Who Practice in Public Jeff Goins and others urge us to “practice in public,” because “there is no better way to improve than to put your work out there, sharing it for the whole world to see.”1 Of course there are good reasons to practice in private, but when we look up from the pages of our journal and share ideas with others through tools like newsletters and social media, we find readers. We build our platform. We experiment. Heavens, there are loads of benefits from practicing in public! Let’s dive in and see why it’s worth it to start… 1. Save Time and Write with Intent If you write in private more than in public, you’re likely not achieving your goals. Marion Roach Smith argues that writing privately in response to a prompt wastes valuable time—time that could be dedicated to a work in progress. Writing with purpose and sharing it with the public, though, allows you to focus on creating meaningful content. Save time; write with intent, boldly practicing in public. 2. Write Better and Faster: Experiment, Adjust, Improve When writers learn new literary techniques, it’s fun to experiment with them in a low-stakes setting like LinkedIn or Instagram. Practicing in public allows for rapid improvement. Similar to that oft-referenced experiment where pottery students rapidly refined their skills by making numerous pots (instead of laboring over a single pot), writers hone their techniques through continual practice and sharing—the more the better! By sharing your work, you experiment and receive immediate feedback. This iterative process allows you to adjust and improve, refining your craft over time. Because you’re sharing more often, you find ways to express your ideas more efficiently, making you a faster writer, too. Try time-savers like this: create platform-specific templates or outlines to copy and use each time you begin—you’ll save time and get started sooner use dictation to speak drafts into existence (there are so many options for how we can do this on our phones!) set a timer and freewrite as fast as possible to get a solid draft out connect with a friend and share your idea with that person in a recorded Zoom session or put your voice recorder on the table if you’re in person—the transcript can be your draft 3. Learn to Write Tight. Strunk and White said it succinctly: “Omit needless words.”2 Character and word limits of newsletters and social media force us to omit needless words and “write tight.” By keeping our content concise and clear, we practice a core writing skill regularly in short form,