#4 Every Day is an Opportunity for Change with Iana J. Daniels

#4 Be Grateful with Carol Banens

Carol Banens: “I am grateful for the gratitude journaling I have done for years. I am also grateful that I continued writing in that journal after my husband died. I did it every night, no matter what. I can remember sitting upstairs with my diary open thinking, 'what am I grateful for?' And I made sure I found something, whether it was my warm bed in the winter or the air conditioning in the summer.

Grief is about looking back and looking at loss.

People tend not to live in the present moment. We're either worried and thinking about what went wrong, what we should have done or we are busy getting anxious about the future.

The wonderful thing about gratitude is that we can keep adding it into our day. This is when the joy of life returns.”

Have a listen as I interview my special guest, Carol Banens.

#3 Relish People with Carol Banens

Carol Banens: “Once you're in grief, and you've lost someone, you realize there's so much more that perhaps you could have done for them, listened to them, or asked of them. I'm a piano player. My dad was a surgeon and quite a good jazz pianist. He'd say, practice hymns and play chords, it will give you chord sequences. And of course, I never listened because he was my dad. After he'd gone, I ended up marrying a jazz pianist. That's when I realized, oh, my dad was right. If only I had done that. Did I learn from that? Not enough.

I relished my husband, but not as much as I could. I think we can always do more.

I didn't ask him to teach me a really groovy Happy Birthday. When you're at a birthday party and there’s a piano and people find out you can play piano they often say, "Can you play Happy Birthday?" And it's like, “No”. That's such a silly little thing. But it's one of those things I wonder about. That was Brian's skill. He was a musician. Why didn't I tap into that? Was it because I was always too busy?

I was too busy to smell the roses. I was working and looking after my mom.

We don't know how long others will be with us or we with them. So, taking the time to appreciate who you have with you and why they're with you is important. If only we could hear that lesson before they are gone so that we can do it in advance.”

Have a listen as I interview my special guest, Carol Banens.

#2 Be Kind with Carol Banens

Carol Banens: “Being kind can mean so many different things. When it comes to grief, it doesn't mean trying to fix grief. Let's get that out there. Because you don't fix grief, you live through it. You get to work through it. In grief, being kind to yourself can be calling on a friend for a chat, monitoring the intensity of your grief, or journaling about your grief (what you’ve lost and what you still have). Being kind to others in grief is about remembering that they are on decision overload. They might not even know what they want or what they need.

When my husband died, and before I could even think about mowing the lawn, my realtor sent over a lawn crew. This continued all summer. What a gift and a blessing. Talk about instilling gratitude! It took away a burden I didn’t even know I had. It was one less thing for me to think about.

So when I think about being kind, sometimes it's the practical things that make all the difference in the world.”

Have a listen as I interview my special guest, Carol Banens.

#1 Enjoying Life with Carol Banens

Carol Banens: “It doesn't matter how someone dies, grief is immense. We get to remember that fact. When my husband died, I pushed everything down so I could go back to work, so I could manage things, and it came back to bite me for not dealing with it. It's exhausting to put on a facade of 'I'm fine', if you're not. As soon as we start to have these conversations, as soon as we're with compassionate people who will sit with us and listen, let us put our head on their shoulder or go for a walk with us, it softens our grief. Community coming together is such a beautiful way of dealing with any sort of trouble because it allows us to see the connection between people.

It's so important to talk when you are ready to talk. Grief has to be witnessed, it has to be heard. And the more we talk about it, the more we stop resisting it and pushing it down.”

Have a listen as I interview my special guest, Carol Banens.

#4 Every Day is an Opportunity for Change with Iana J. Daniels

Iana J. Daniels: “Every day is an opportunity for plenty of things, especially change. We are not perfect beings, we are not infallible, we are human. The world is not perfect. The game is rigged. You are going to make mistakes. Anyone who has decided they know how you should live your life, has no idea how to live their own. I was guilty of that as well.

One of my coaches called me out. She said, ‘You need to get rid of your instruction manual, the one for other people's lives’. I'm the eldest. In my mind, I had an instruction manual for how my youngest sister should live her life, because she was my responsibility. A day later, I was having a conversation with my mom and she said, ‘I know you feel like your babysitter is like your kid, but as your mother, I say, Let that go. She is an adult’.

That was the day I realized that I had to allow my younger sisters to live their own lives.”

Have a listen as I interview my special guest, Iana J. Daniels.