Sonnets of my Soul

Trauma haunts you for years.

Written on: 9/6/21

A warm summer day, when you flew away

My heart was in pain, but I said nothing

But your leaving is now a price I pay

Because of you, I am now suffering

He was now gone, which I came to resent

though he made sure to call us every night

He was always fine, but never present

Leaving me by myself to face my plight

She was there, not in the way I needed

Always busy, and always thought of her

It was four times, broke down, cried and pleaded

Those two years, a depressed and painful blur

Ten, my heart to big to fit in a mold

Now a teen, alone in my head and cold

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

I'll be fine.

An old poem to keep my podcast from being stagnant. Originally written on 7/15/21.

Transcript:

I would like to ask you a question

But I cannot fathom who you are

Or what you’re doing

What you can do

Because I do not believe in your existence

Because my thoughts cannot comprehend the mere notion that you could be here

I cannot think of you

And I don’t think I want to

I could look for you everywhere

But I wouldn’t find you, I wouldn’t find us

Because I am you, and you’re inside my head

Taunting me with the notion that you’re better than me

I’m tired, and you’re not

You’re happy, and I’m not

And I kind of resent that fact you exist

Because I feel like no matter what I do, I will never be able to reach you

And yet, I do continue to wonder

All the time

What it would feel like to be you

If I could change enough to be you

If I could do enough to become you

If I could do enough to become me

But instead

I will smother the thought of you in my brain

Because while I hold the dreams of you close to my heart

Thinking about how fragile the idea of you could become does not belong in my head

So I will say goodbye to you, future me

I hope you exist

I pray you exist

And may we meet again, when you are finally me

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

Sorry about being gone for so long! I stopped writing to deal with my mental health!

Written on: 7/12/21

Transcript:

This sad, deadly pandemic a decade

Almost a million of our own, now dead

The virus has cleaved our hearts with its blade

So much sadness, I do not trust my head

The seeds of our own hate, sewn into cloth

Damaging beautiful red, white, and blue

In the first month, rioters doth

Forget democracy, and think lies are true

The needle in my left arm, I received

To become immune to viral death

But not immune to the hate, I am peeved

Hatred against humans in every breath

Our country, though cracked, is now on the mend

Pain in the hearts of all, still yet to end

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

L’appel du vide is French for “The call of the void.” Written on 6/6/21 Transcript: It’s raining Pelting against my roof Softly I’m cold The lights are flickering Like my soul They’re dying I’ll be gone before long too They often tell you it’s a leap of faith That if you jump correctly You will reap the rewards But to jump, for me Is to disappear into the darkness As if I never existed at all To be swallowed by the great beast in my mind And to be swallowed by the looming edge You always wonder if it’s worth it before the end But the void in your head In your heart Calls you Beckons you to join it Become one with it And maybe As you become one with it Your mind may finally know a moment of peace. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

The pain of cavities is that you never realize they’ve worn through your teeth until you try to eat. Written on: 5/27/21  When you wake up  You probably brushed your teeth  So that they would stay healthy and clean  Unlike the stains you left on my soul  They’re white, bright as the moon, if you’d like  You probably smile Knowing full well your mouth is clean enough to show to others  But clearly not clean enough after the words you said to me  You cleaned your teeth  You got dressed  Kissed your family goodbye  And left  And that brush of yours Prevents a multitude of things  It prevents plaque  And it muffles you,  Prevents you from talking  You can hear yourself try to speak through the white paste but you can’t  Not because you don’t want to but because it’s impossible  But you do it anyway because you don’t want holes in your teeth  And yet you didn’t take the same care not to leave a hole in my chest

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

Paimon.

Video where I got the idea from: God Paimon | Animation - YouTube

Written On: 5/18/21

Transcript:

I found you drowning in a shallow lake

Lacking in the ability to swim

You could die for a Crab, Ham & Veggie Bake

Wanting to eat fills your days to the brim

You have followed me everywhere I go

Time together on missions long and broad

And though your constellation brightly glows

Are you connected with the unknown god?

Your feet never end up touching the ground

Your name belongs to the ninth king of hell

But with it all, am I real the clown?

If I really fell under your spell

Even so, I hope the help you're giving

Will truly help me find my lost sibling

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

Don’t forget to call and/or hug your mom! <3

Written on 5/9/21

Transcript:

From the moment I opened my small eyes

You were present, carrying my small form

You accepted wholly, to my surprise

Dealing with my antics, ever the norm

When I started on my first day of school

You were always there in support of me

Like when I swam in our neighborhood pool

Or at nine, when I tried to climb a tree

I know last year has been really tough

And I know we are all mentally tired

And limbo has really called our bluff

But I always am motherhood acquired

I may be confused right now, that is true

But never about my pure love for you

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

A sonnet about the recent shootings of 2021

Written on 4/27/21

Transcript:

Painful death flies from the guns of the blue

As loud as crackers on the 4th of July

Our vain system of justice, torn askew

We die in the streets, and our children cry

Bright lead pierces the hearts of innocent

As we see the white glare from the bright screen

Raising hands, and the giver of consent

As bullets come, from shiny badges with mean

The land of the free, and the land of death

The man’s cold weapon, the gun in his hand

As children breathe their final, solemn breath

Who in the sad end, is free in this land?

But alas, this is the truth we must face

No matter who you are, or your said race

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message

A sonnet that I read aloud in my ELAR class. Based on a very destructive personal problem.

This work was started on 4/10/21 and finished on 4/15/21

Transcript:

Was everything you showed to me a ploy?

but with every single call, I would heed

in youth, every single day you destroy

and continue to watch me as I bleed

far into the dark, I would try to scream

as I saw you, I would try to avoid

I saw all of my small tears, they would stream

and fall silently into the dark void

I honestly feel a lot like Atlas

never been able to hold my weight high

But a shift in my core central axis

May allow me to look at the bright sky

Talking with others has helped me to cope

And hopefully, I may have found hope?

--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/agaricnest/message