(Wo)Men Speak Out™

What Barack Obama Means to the FatherlessBy: Sarah Elise Stauffer (View Profile)A good survior friend of mine and I were waxing on this and he asked me to write a little about it, so my dear lovely here you go(You are a wonderful man and father! Remember that!):We took our kids to see Obama at a rally a couple of weeks ago. It was electric, amazing, and very powerful to do with our kids. We believe in teaching them to honor that they HAVE A VOICE, TO USE THAT VOICE, AND EFFECT CHANGE, TO BE OPINIONATED, AND NOT TO BE SHEEP."To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you ought to prefer is to have kept your soul alive."Robert Louis StevensonObama is sincere and eloquent, brilliant beyond an ivy league level-he is emotionally intelligent. He is socially intelligent. And he alleviates my need for cyniscim. I was raised by cynics. I threw that veil of shame-and many others- off years ago. I refuse to pass that to my kids. That will not be their legacy. Or mine. But I understand it and empathize with those feeling it. It is easier in some ways to remain cynical. It is safer than putting yourself out there, we think, because then we risk disappointment. Sometimes it means going against your own inherited family rules(it did in my case.), spoken or unspoken. My children have made me believe in life, they kind of pulled the rug out from under my very cynical nature. My hubby the same, he went against his upbringing to become extremely positive, politically outspoken, and idealistic. Kids, they do the damndest thangs. ;)This country could use some hope. It's as if some people are allergic to it. I understand. One thing he said that resonated deeply with me and especially with my survivor friends was that "FATHERS IN THIS COUNTRY OWE MORE TO THEIR KIDS-THEY NEED TO STAND UP AND BE MEN AND BE A REAL FATHER TO THEIR CHILDREN." HE IS USING HIS PERSONAL PAIN AS A FATHERLESS CHILD to effect social change. SO important. I do not care if you are republican, independent, libertarian, liberal, purple people eater, whattheheckever, this is a common universal need. Touting family values is one thing, valuing family another. Fathers need to be there for their offspring. Period. That your father was absent, abusive, nonexistent, or otherwise emotionally/physically not there must be faced. And felt. This is of interest to all of us who either had abusive fathers, or nonabusive fathers. Every father needs to be more emotionally in tune and available to their kids. Fathers need to protect and provide, but they need to exhibit empathy and reverence toward and for their children. So many children, girls and boys, are growing up feeling a vague uneasy sense of disconnectedness, they are acting out (criminal behavior, hurting others, etc) or acting in(self destructive, my hubby and I both did this for years as teens) because of this: Just because you are a 'father' and you bring home the proverbial bacon does not mean you are done. My husband is a fabulous example-because he shows the boys it good and right to feel, how to conduct oneself as a man, to empathize with another's struggle, to express their dreams and hopes, to be kind and sensitive to women, children, other men, humans all over, to think about animals, to honor the life force itself. In this rigidly patriarchal society we have lost the sacrament of the sensitive male. Fathers showing their feelings, imagine that. Golly gee. To their sons, to their daughters. What a novel idea. It touches my life so much that Obama is verbalizing this reality, fathers are not fathers just because they provide. That's a provider. Fathers are not fathers just because they made a baby, that's a sperm donor. A child knows when a parent is giving them their energy-it's an energy, a connection, a soul feeling. They know it. It is a soul nourishment. To all my survivor friends, I know this means something deeply profound to you as well. To anyone who has not directly experienced father issues, I know you can be proud of this as well. Obama is challenging the staus quo by saying this. He is calling out those fathers who are emotionally lazy and do not want to own up to their own feelings about fatherhood. Kids are growing up feeling fundamentally flawed inside because of their parents issues, issues that they project all over the child-who then absorbs the crap as their own. To me, that's what Obama is about. Now, I am a proud Democrat, a very liberal one, although I do believe in the death penalty for child killers and rapers, but I say this as a woman, mother, wife, and daughter of two very inadequate, abandoning, abusive parents. I don't care that Obama is more moderate than I might like-I don't think he'll be legalizing pot or confronting the failed drug war, putting nonviolent drug offenders in rehab instead of prison, for instance. Nor has any candidate gotten up there and said, "I plan to erradicate incest, because 1/3 girls and 1/5 boys are sexually abused in this country." I'm still waiting on that. BUT, that he is voicing this call for fathers to step up-is why-among a zillion other reasons(health care,we were personally affected by no health insurance when our first son was born, it was awful and everyone should enjoy a wonderful socialized health care system, it's working beautifully for Australia, Europe, even Cuba for fuck's sake),pro choice rights(it's a desicion that belongs to a woman, it is her body and that is that.) ,actually addressing sources of unwanted pregnancy and aiming to prevent it(fathers in the home loving their daughters would help this too), sex education is the only realistic way to do this, less warmongering more diplomacy, ANY diplomacy at this point, more gun control(I don't want kids getting their hands on guns, our country is number one for gun related death, just more control, you NRA folks just chill, for me, we need to screen people and keep guns out of the hands of kids like Dylan Klebold and prevent more Columbines), shall I go on) I will proudly vote for him. Anyone who can not find a reason to do the same I ask you to think about this, just this, the subject of fathers It's something I think we can all agree on. Namaste.

This is a picture of one of my beautiful non toxic friends, Mariclaire. I just got out of one of these relationships-I put up with ridiculous bullshit for 2 years. I do not want anyone else to put themselves through that to try and savesomeone from themselves. People have to want to heal, period. I feel this is a very important issue, especially for survivors. Much Love, SES

Detoxifying Toxic Friendships as seen on Divine Caroline dot com.

Detoxing is not just for rehabbed celebutantes, no no no. Now, no relationship is perfect. Relationships are indeed complex and dynamic. But toxic friendships exist whether we like it or not. Toxic friends engage in a pattern of sliming us with their toxicity. Toxic people are very adept. You know the ones of which I speak—she is the one who doesn’t do anything too blatant and egregious. That way, you can’t actually call them out on it. Most of the time that is. Sometimes they do, and you take them to task, asserting yourself, only to watch as nothing changes.If you find yourself in a relationship that begins to feel, or has always felt, too intense, too draining, too yucky, it maybe time to cut the cord. “‘Toxic friend’ is pop psychology,” says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif. “I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you—sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you.” They are psychic vampires. Toxic friendships wreak havoc on one’s personal sense of well being and peace. A toxic person can be described in many ways: that “friend” who is always negative, always critical, the one who after you have spent any amount of time with leaves you feeling drained. She thrives on drama. She talks about others, how stupid they are, and she giddily expresses happiness at other’s misfortune. She talks at great length about how much money she and her spouse make … every single time you talk. You have problems—which she claims to want to hear about—but it always magically ends up being about her problems. She accuses you of not caring when she is the one behaving in an uncaring manner. In other words, she projects her flaws on to you. She tries to manipulate you.Toxic people always have a complaint about something, with the world; they carry a grudge about everything. Toxic friends can constantly disappoint you or break promises. This is usually the result of childhood wounding. We usually put up with this crap for the same reason. Enough. It is time to emancipate ourselves from the need to fix or rescue people. This can be incredibly difficult for those of us who were brought up in unstable homes with parents we had to parent rather than us being parented. The real question is—why do we put up with this nonsense, especially as women?
Why do we allow people to exist in our lives when they do nothing but bring us down? We feel we have to, we do not want to make others angry, and we do not want to be judged. If we no longer “play the game,” the toxic friend will seek out others to prop themselves upon. Love yourself and put your needs first. This friend will find another target in order to prop up her own fragile ego.Friends should lift us up, leaving us feeling happy and at peace after interacting with them. Their care feels evident and sincere. A primary element in a healthy, positive friendship is that both friends can feel that they can be themselves; they don’t have to put on masks or impress one another. One key in healthy relationships is reciprocity. Reciprocity is about balance. Are you always the giver and never given to? We need to exchange the right amount of affection, attention, and care for relationship harmony to prevail. Does your friend reciprocate in your friendship? I have a wonderful friend, Mariclaire, who never fails to complement me on things, whether it be my mothering, my creativity, my marriage, or my ass in a new pair of Seven jeans. I have never sensed one iota of competition with her. I reciprocate with her as well. Even on the ass compliments! She has a great one! All joking aside, Mariclaire, or MC as I call her, is also a fantastic mother, wife, and friend.
Setting boundaries is essential. Don’t answer the phone. Sometimes we need to talk it out. Try asking “And why do you think that?” or “Do I really need this from you?” This may make them stop and think, and it shores up your self respect. Sometimes it seems we try to no end to express our feelings only to see no results. That’s because people must change themselves; nothing we say or do can alter another person. Just because you have a history with someone, that doesn’t mean you have to repeat it. If you feel as if you can not share your joy with a “friend,” ask yourself why. Are you afraid it will make them jealous? Angry? Is it visibly obvious? Do they get defensive or pseudo-excited? This is not friendship, but an attachment, a fantasy, an illusion of bonding. It is not healthy.
Many women have an excruciating time extricating ourselves from these relationships. These include: women who like to feel needed, people who feel like they do not deserve a healthier, saner, more balanced relationship, women who are stuck—either feeling angry, guilty, or sorry for their distressing “friend.” Detoxing is the way to clean ourselves out. Think of it as relationship Feng Shui—the idea is to purge the clutter. We do not have to fix or rescue or tolerate the shenanigans of these desperate people. Have compassion, but also for yourself, and with some people, have all compassion you want, from afar. Do not become enmeshed. Declare your independence.Take a Toxicity Inventory about your friend. Is her life full of chaos and negativity and even at times downright maliciousness toward others? Suggest professional help. A toxic friend might need a professional. If she comes from an abusive background, she definitely does. Her toxicity will affect her career, emotions, and family, though she’ll most likely never admit it. How can you approach this touchy subject? Point out to your friend how she is treating you and ask her to stop, and if she continues, take it to the next level. Say to her, “I know you are a good person, but maybe you want to seek help.” If you have tried this to no avail, throw in the towel.If we have a friend who is always in need, always in crisis, always attempting to one up us, who is toxic, it is time to detox. You can say, simply, “I have changed and wish to end this friendship as it has become painful and draining to me.” By standing up to pseudo-friends, in reality you are losing nothing and gaining self-esteem, self respect. Once we get past the illusion of this friendship, we can see that we are losing, yes. What we are losing a whole lot of pain. Decide to surround yourself with positive feminine energy; you will be much happier for it.My mantra for this issue is this: Alice Walker says:
No person is your friend (or kin) who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow and be perceived as fully blossomed as you were intended. Amen, Awomen.
Alice Walker, author of The Color Purple, has written fiction about African American women's experience. Alice Walker has also been an activist on environmental, feminist, and womanist causes, as well as working for racial and economic justice.

What did it feel like

As you walked away

From me

Your daughter?

What does that feel like,

Walking away from your child?

How does the air move around your body?

What shoes does one wear to do this?

Did you tread gingerly,

The dusty ground making crunching sounds?

Did the perhaps ground slip out from under you,

Quaking under your feet with the knowledge
of what you were about to do?

Or did you run,

Fast and hard and awayso as not to feel

My heart

Two years from my birth,

Break apart.

Did you tilt your head as you walked?

Did you look back and see me?

Did you then drive to your mother’s for comfort,

Or to forget,

Did you walk hastily through to her backyard,

Falling to your knees,

Praying to the bluebirds you found there?

Did their wings tell of my loss?

Each flap my execution.

In those moments after your exit,

Did my scent remain with you?

At the sight of the stars,
did it smash into you,

Smearing you into the oily Earth,

The realization that,
God help you,

I was probably looking at the same stars,

Alone,

Lips quivering,

Without you?

And later,

when you sniffed the piano key white powder

deep

into your nose,

Did you think your heart,

And therefore mine,

Could forget

Through numbness?

Did you think, at all?

And when it stormed,

late into the night,

Did you ever awaken with a start,

panicking that I too,

May be somewhere in my

tinygirlbody,

Wracked with thunderous grief,

With the total annihilation of your leaving?

And when my father took me, at three years old,

For himself in his bed,

Could you feel it?

When you shopped at the market every Saturday,

Bumping into that sweet ole Creole lady

As you Mumbled, ‘Excuse me, Maa’m…”

and the sun colored oranges caught your darting eye.

Did you wonder, then,

Does Sarah,

my

daughter,

Like oranges?

Or were oranges oranges

and storms storms and mother’s hearts just numb.

And what of your father, your mother,

What did they teach you that you believed I was better off with anyone but the woman who birthed me,

You,

My Mother?

7 Foods That Fight Anxiety

Bills arriving in heaps? Gas prices sky-rocketing? Summer love turned sour? Regardless of the cause, there's a counter-intuitiveness to the goodies we turn to for comfort. Take the classic-curling up with a pint of ice cream. It's a total backfire. Why? Sweets are insidious: After the initial rush, the body's insulin response kicks in, causing a sudden blood sugar drop that triggers the release of stress hormones. Soon you're feeling more jangled than you were before you inhaled that whole container of Chunky Monkey. And alcohol, of course, is a wolfish stimulant in calm sheep's clothing.
But true comfort foods do exist.
1. Berries, any berriesEat them one by one instead of M&Ms when the pressure's on. For those tough times when tension tightens your jaw, try rolling a frozen berry around in your mouth. And then another, and another. Since the carbs in berries turn to sugar very slowly, you won't have a blood sugar crash. The bonus: They're a good source of vitamin C, which helps fight a jump in the stress hormone cortisol.
2. GuacamoleIf you're craving something creamy, look no further. Avocados are loaded with B vitamins, which stress quickly depletes and which your body needs to maintain nerves and brain cells. Plus their creaminess comes from healthy fat. Scoop up the stuff with whole-grain baked chips-crunching keeps you from gritting your teeth.
3. Mixed nutsJust an ounce will help replace those stress-depleted Bs (walnuts), give you a whopping amount of zinc (Brazil nuts)-it's also drained by high anxiety-and boost your E (almonds), which helps fight cellular damage linked to chronic stress. Buy nuts in the shell and think of it as multi-tasking: With every squeeze of the nutcracker, you're releasing a little bit of tension.
4. OrangesPeople who take a 1,000 mg of C before giving a speech have lower levels of cortisol and lower blood pressure than those who don't. So lean back, take a deep breath, and concentrate on peeling a large orange. The 5-minute mindfulness break will ease your mind and you'll get a bunch of C as well.
5. AsparagusEach tender stalk is a source of folic acid, a natural mood-lightener. Dip the spears in fat-free yogurt or sour cream for a hit of calcium with each bite.
6. Chai teaA warm drink is a super soother, and curling up with a cup of aromatic decaf chai tea (Tazo makes ready-to-brew bags) can make the whole evil day go away.
7. Dark chocolateOkay, there's nothing in it that relieves stress, but when only chocolate will do, reach for the dark, sultry kind that's at least 70% cocoa. You figure if the antioxidant flavonoids in it are potent enough to fight cancer and heart disease, they've got to be able to temper tension's effects.

when they sleep, it's like hearing a piano play melodic velvet notes.
it's as if soft moss is tracing it's way over your skin.
or like a drink of the coldest water at your thirstiest.
seeing them eat strawberries and that sight becomes art,
becomes an epiphany,
a swan song.
see them gaze at the redness of it,
this makes strawberries suddenly holy.
holy is the sacred,
many people claim to know the way,
many of them men.
but men, stop your ego from talking,
sit by my side for a moment in time
watch a child of golden hair,
breathe up,breathe down,
eat a strawberry in ecstasy,
look at you
and
with that very look,
tug upon that never gone umbilical cord threading you
mothersonmotherson
together forever.
sit and see,
see the way of
children,
for they are what holy is.