Turn Yourself Up Podcast

I was so lucky to have this conversation with Rabbi and Jewish Educator, Jen Clayman. We talk about spirituality and personal development and how that is connected. I myself come from a secular background but am starting to have more questions about the w

Our society has a stigma against crying.

A child gets hurt in gym class and runs away crying while others pretend not to notice. An upset woman screams, "don't look at me!", as she ugly cries into a tub of Ben & Jerry's in a TV comedy. A father holds back after his son is born because real men don't cry.

All stunted and depreciating those experiences for us. Sending subliminal messages to ourselves and those around us that this is not OK.

But, what if it were OK? What if it was not only OK, but it was the answer to truth, love, and healing?

I think we've misunderstood the power in a good, honest cry. And the magic that can happen when you share it with others.

For starters, it ALWAYS makes you feel better. ALWAYS. It is a natural way to relieve stress and even a healthy thing to do. It is a release of those emotions that hit us so deeply there is nothing else to do with them. Trying to ignore feelings or fight off tears can actually create a greater stress and emotional pull on you.

What I want to talk about today, is the power that comes in a beautiful cry. A true, unwavering tear that appears in your eye when you open up, let yourself be vulnerable and hit on the very truth of your being. Something that moves you to your core. 

In my experience, when I talk about something important and meaningful to me I start to feel my eyes water and my throat gets tense. And for the majority of my life thus far, I've tried to fight those tears. I was embarrassed to let those around me see the emotion. I thought it made me look weak.

When I approach those situations from that place of the inner critic, instead of being present, I'm consumed with the appearance of the scene. "Stop crying", "I can't believe you're crying right now", "This is so embarrassing". Thinking like this only makes matters worse, I can't get any sort of reasonable message across and the crying becomes the self-pity kind instead of the powerful, meaningful, purposeful, kind.

Recently though, as I've been practicing authenticity, tuning into my intuition and being vulnerable, I have learned to use watery eyes as a sign of hitting on something REALLY IMPORTANT for me. They represent either a belief in my heart, a core value I hold close, or a truth I have just discovered and felt in my body for the first time. It's a place to explore and get curious, not a place to run away from. And when I can stand confidently in my tears, and boldly continue to communicate with others, magic happens.

These type of tears are quiet and dignified. I have even learned to smile through them (this makes others more comfortable as well).

It's a way to show others what is important to your heart. There is an instant understanding that they have when they can see how authentic and truthful you are being. And it actually inspires them to lower their guard and authentically open up as well.

As a coach, some of the most profound moments of enlightenment I see for clients is when they first make that meaningful connection out loud and it brings them to tears. In that moment, my job is to pass the kleenex and hold the space for them to sit with it. Not to awkwardly look away while they compose themselves or try to distract them with something else. THIS is where the growth happens.

For myself, one of my bravest moments of tears and transformation was last summer when I was doing my intensive coach training. The instructor described a coaching NLP exercise he was going to demonstrate with a student. As he described the benefits of this technique my heart started racing. An immediate sign that this was something I needed to do. It was an exercise to help someone break a habit that is getting in their way. The way he described it, I knew for me that this meant my habit of being socially anxious - most notably felt in large crowds.

When he finally asked for a volunteer, my hand shot straight up before he could even finish the question. By this time, I was shaking.

I jumped up to volunteer and as I sat down at the front of the class my heart was racing, my arms were full of goosebumps, I was shaking and my legs couldn't stop swinging from the bottom of the stool. This was a big moment. We were going to be tackling a large gremlin of mine.

The TAs in the room could tell and offered me tissues before we began - which I appreciated. The instructor asked me a variety of questions related to this fear and I was honest and vulnerable. As we got closer to the root of the matter the tears were starting and I was embracing my beautiful cry. I was lucky enough to be in a room full of amazing, caring coaches who I loved - but I still had to tune them all out to allow myself to really feel what was going on for me. The instructor asked if I needed a moment but I smiled and said "No." and encouraged him to keep going.

We carried on and I pushed past the scary parts into the amazing parts with new confidence and strength. The whole class was pin-droppingly quiet and I could tell how this experience was affecting them too. It was truly life changing for me.  Apparently, after the exercise, when the class was practicing, everybody brought their A-game both as coach and client. Seeing my vulnerability and expression of emotion allowed them to show theirs. 

If I hadn't let myself go there, if I hadn't raised my hand when I felt something, and if I had tried to fight the tears I wouldn't have had such a powerful result.

I mentioned this was for social anxiety... you should have seen the way I floated out of that class room into the packed marketplace that is Granville Island at lunch time on Saturday. Radiating, beaming, being completely myself and completely comfortable with everyone around me. Even smiling at people and saying "Hello!" A totally new experience for me.

In another post, I will let you know the copious progress I've made with my social anxiety since.

I wanted to share this with you because of a great podcast episode I heard recently on gender gaps in the workplace. There was a line at then end that irked me. They mentioned that many managers hate giving feedback because (as a generalization) they are scared that the men will get angry and that the women will cry.

Then they said, "Practice not crying", as advice to women.

Obviously, I disagree. I say PRACTICE CRYING! And practice letting others see you cry. And practice noticing what that crying teaches you about yourself.

You will be surprised of the power and results that will turn up from a strong cry. Every time I do it, I walk away stronger and more aware than before. 

If a masculine energy leadership style is dominant and competitive, perhaps a feminine energy leadership style is vulnerable, honest and emotive.

Next time you see someone crying, don't shy away. Embrace them, listen to them, and encourage them to keep going so their soul can sort itself out. 

I struggle with this all the time. The balance between feeling so disorganized that I need structure and feeling so confined by structure that I need freedom for creativity. In this episode, I muse about this challenge for me and a new idea that may help you get the kind of results only patience and consistency of following a plan gives you.

Are you the type of person who has things always seeming to go your way? Or, are you the type of person who is constantly coming in last, with nothing working in your favour, and the world is out to get you?

It might not be that black and white but my point is: we don't just have luck, we make it.

If you related more to the first suggestion, you are probably fairly optimistic, positive and grateful for what you have in your life. You see the opportunities all around you and you actively take advantage of them. 

If you related more to the second example, you are probably making life too hard for yourself. The world isn't out to get you - your mindset is!

We each view the world through our own unique filters and paradigms. If you are running negative programming in your head, you're going to get negative results. The great news is, you can change your thoughts and feelings and therefore your results! (But you already knew that - avid reader of my blog ;) ).

Let me explain.

My boyfriend and I adopted a puppy a few months ago. Holy moly, I was not expecting all the responsibility that came along with all the cuteness. Sure, I expected the walking, feeding and pooping, but there was also veterinarians, allergies (both hers and mine), insurance, food, and training to consider.

In decided to keep Layla after discovering my allergies, I've learned a lot about my own health. I've had to experiment to find out how to cure my allergies (or at least make them bearable) and it's come down to food and gut health and regular visits to the Naturopathic doctor - a blessing in disguise. I've started to make the changes I couldn't get myself to do for years. But that's for another post...

We decided to do our own positive "clicker training" at home with Layla. I'm all about positive mindsets, so when we found a book called "The Power of Positive Dog Training" I was all in.

In this book, the author describes how positive dog training works and gives many tips for training different behaviours. The idea is that you reinforce good behaviours with rewards and you take away rewards or good things when they exhibit unwanted behaviours - sort of like their privilege to look out the window. Dogs (just like us) want to make good things happen. So, when they want to jump up to greet you and get attention, you simply turn your back to them thus taking away the attention and they quickly get the idea that sitting is a better way to get your attention and affection.

I started this book while I was still on the ice coaching skaters in the spring and I found myself giving them many more verbal "yes" cues when they did what I wanted. I really wanted to click... something to experiment with next season!

The inspiration for this particular post came from something the author said; when training a new behaviour, make it a game your dog can win. Don't try to trick your dog or expect too much because they will get frustrated, bored or just walk away. Instead, gradually increase the criteria they are expected to reach for the desired behaviour you are training.

For example, when training "stay", don't just say it then walk to the other side of the room! Practice staying still in sit position, then practice it for a few seconds, then a few more seconds, then maybe you back up one step, then maybe a few more steps - but as soon as she follows you, you've gone too far and start the process over. The goal is for you to make it a game your dog can win - giving her many rewards and treats along the way - this is much more fun for both of you!

This got me thinking on how it applies to us. We put unrealistic expectations on ourselves ALL THE TIME and get frustrated and switch directions when it doesn't work out. SEE, I'M NOT A MILLIONAIRE YET AND I STARTED MY BUSINESS LAST YEAR. Well, you have to be a 500,000-aire before that and a 100-000-aire before that and a penniless person with drive and an idea before that.

We skip steps and expect ourselves to keep up.

Focus on the next realistic stretch in front of you, not the end result when doing something new.

Make it a game that you can win.

The fact is, if you are hitting little milestones, and celebrating because you "won the game", it feels good. And you'll want to do more of it. And you'll build momentum. Until pretty soon, you're not half bad at it!

Likewise, if you are always putting unrealistic expectations on yourself, you will constantly be disappointed. It will seem as the world is out to get you and chances are slim that you'll enjoy or even carry on with that new skill. It will be a struggle.

Take yoga, for example. The instructors always say "let go of comparing yourself to others in the room" - but I know you still do it! At least, you will if you are not focused on yourself and your body. Instead of comparing your pose to the other yogis in the room, especially the beautiful ones with the nice tan and tatoos, notice what the pose feels like in your body. Compare it to what it felt like last time. Just notice.

I went to a yoga class with a friend.

What I noticed during the class: it was abnormally hot in the room, my friend was dying of the heat, my body felt so good to be stretched out, my poses were a little smaller than last time since I hadn't been in a few weeks, I love yoga, and this is a pretty hard class because of the heat.

What she noticed: it is too frickin' hot in here - dangerous even, holy sh*t - Jessica has a crazy Pigeon pose, no improvement from last week, it's way too hot in here, I can't do this.

Not a big shock that I enjoyed the class much more than she did.

I used to compare myself to others in the class, push myself to stretch at least as far as the "hard-cores" in the room, and feel embarrassed when I wasn't able to do a pose in the basic position. But who was that serving? I was doing it with bad technique, likely to injure myself, and my mind was loud with criticism and judgement, which ultimately just made me feel bad about myself.

Focusing on the positive, focusing on my body and what the poses feel like, really noticing how each pose feels and which muscles are engaged, and how it feels different from last week - suddenly gave me a whole new practice. It's not about them. It's about me. I noticed improvements each week and pretty soon I was working towards poses that were never in my repertoire. I focused on the next step in front of me, not the 20th step down the road.

So whatever you are doing - cooking, speaking up at work, yoga, training your pooch... make it a game you can win - or, at least, take it upon yourself to change the rules so that you always do. 

Caity Curtis has made a career for herself being an improvisor and improv teacher. In our conversation, we talk about improv and what it tells us about ourselves and how it teaches us to let go of our inner chatter. There is a lot of cross over in the art of improv and creating positive visions for your life. We explore the intersection of improv, creativity and also life coaching. Caity believes in putting a variety of voices on stage and has made it her mission to do so this year as the Associate Artistic Director of the board for the Winnipeg Improv Festival. 

In this episode, I'm chatting with my good friend and client, Alessandra Sorto. She is going to give you her perspective into where coaching has taken her in the past year and how she has shifted her mindset. She is also going through a career identity change. We get into what it has been like for her to commit to switching paths. Her creative process around writing and creating fictional worlds, and her life lessons from her solo trip to Australia. Aless is sweet and funny and a great story-teller - enjoy! She is going to give you her perspective into where coaching has taken her in the past year and how she has shifted her mindset. She is also going through a career identity change. We get into what it has been like for her to commit to switching paths. Her creative process around writing and creating fictional worlds, and her life lessons from her solo trip to Austrailia. Aless is sweet and funny and a great story-teller - enjoy! She is going to give you her perspective into where coaching has taken her in the past year and how she has shifted her mindsets. She is also going through a career identity

Our beliefs are formed from stories. We take little meanings from our experiences and decide to take them as truth. Unconsciously of course. Until we over come the story by happening around it or actively change it, we are unknowingly controlled by these little rules.  I discover stories about myself often. I try my best, when I discover a story that is negatively serving me to decide not to believe it. If it is just a story, I can choose to believe a new story. It is up to me what I believe and what rule influences my decisions.  Today I unveiled a new story. 

The blog is back baby! Forgive me for going AWOL for a hot minute. I got confused in my brand and messaging and let that confusion stop me from writing, podcasting, instagramming and doing anything to productively move my business forward. This is the price you pay when you let perfectionism call the shots. When things don’t go as expected you freeze, until you can completely figure out your next step. This is an ugly habit I am trying to break. It disguises itself in busy schedules, distractions, other important business to attend to. But really it is doing anything else so you don’t have to think about the thing in front of you that might not be perfect. *GASP* So moving forward, this is what I’ve decided in terms of blogging and podcasting content and topics:

We can't create the life of our dreams if we don't have a clear picture of what that looks like! People who are considered visionaries are able to paint a vivid dream with exact details, share it with others, and keep it in sight while they continue to take action until it becomes a reality. It's a skill that anyone can learn. In this episode, I'll walk you through why visualizations are so powerful and how to create one for your own dreams. There is a guided visualization to create your ideal day.  Let me know what you created by leaving a comment below!  Interested in developing your vision further? At my Dream Creators Bootcamp in April, we will be developing powerful visions for your idea and using them to gain the motivation and knowledge of where to go next.  Register before Friday, March 17th at 5pm and receive 3 bonus private coaching sessions with yours truly. If you miss that deadline, register before Mar 24th at 5pm and receive 1 private session! Hope to see you there!

Kristjanna is an educator, musician, reiki healer and intentional-living junkie. She is passionate about putting herself first and encouraging others to do the same. She believes if we all spent time on self-care first, there would be a lot less illness, stress and negativity in the world. In our conversation, we discuss self-care and what that really means and looks like. Listening to your body, listening to your authentic voice, and how to slow down and start putting ourselves first. We even cover that frightful topic of saying "No!". This is a great message for women to listen to - so share it with your girlfriends and send them some love! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aquarian_Gospel_of_Jesus_the_Christ https://www.instagram.com/violavixen/ https://www.facebook.com/kristjanna.oleson