You Look Nice Today

You’re gonna love it—the guitar does this “Wheeee!” thing while the drums go all “Chukka chukka booda booda.” OK, here it comes. Shhhh!

No wait, that’s not it. Almost there, just after this last chorus. Seriously, I think you’re going to love the song once you’ve heard this part. What’s that, little guy? No, Daddy’s playing his new favorite song for Mommy, so if you could go over there and wait for us. Quietly. Thanks!

Huh? Sure, I don’t care what we have for dinner. But wait, you’re gonna miss the—

…

JESUS. You just made me talk over the good part. GODDAMMIT.

No, it’s OK, whatever. I’m not going to rewind. Really, it’s NO BIG DEAL. It’s not a big, no…it’s really not a problem. It’s cool. I’ll play it for you later.

Pizza sounds fine.

Also covered: the business of High School scared-straight-for-Jesus groups, and our entry into that lucrative space: “The Drain Circlers.” We’re available for all auditorium-based school events. Fees are very, very negotiable.

Seattle LIVE!: April 23, 2009

We teamed up with our pals Jordan, Jesse, Go! and took the Monsters of Podcasting on the road. Our Pacific Northwest Megatour kicked off in Seattle on Thursday and finally ended in Portland, on Sunday. In between: laughs, tears, exhaustion, roadies, groupies, monkeys…typical superstar stuff.

In this episode, we give a little bit back to our listeners. These are tough times. Money is tight. Luckily, we’re here to help. With Adam and Merlin’s antique appraisal expertise, you’ll be digging treasures out of your crawlspace in no time.

Check out more photos from the Northwest Megatour here.

Photos: Lonely Polisher by Jason Permenter,
YLNT: Road Monkey by Jason Permenter,
Roadmonkey + lonelysandwichjr by twinch.

INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s - NIGHT

The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other.

FLEECE
Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with this!

CABINTIRE
Put your panties back on.

(Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.)

FLEECE
First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain’t even my size!

The door swings open, then slams shut. CAPT RIFFLES (Dennis Franz) stands looking down at the two detectives, shaking his head, chuckling.

RIFFLES
Detective Cabintire.

CABINTIRE
(Sneering)
Yes … sir.

RIFFLES
Would you mind telling me what this is?

(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)

CABINTIRE
I believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.

RIFFLES
They might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were you thinking?

FLEECE
Goddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this bullshit!

CABINTIRE
Why let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties on, Captain.

(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)

FLEECE
Where you get all these panties from, man?

CABINTIRE
Oh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.

(The phone rings.)

RIFFLES
Yeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof, over on 72nd & Waldorf.

FLEECE
Who? A jumper?

CABINTIRE
No. A fiddler.

RIFFLES
How’d you know that, Cabintire?

CABINTIRE
NO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.

ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially endorses BirdBath Pro Lite™ as our Twitter app of choice, we must admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the video, and buy the thing already:

http://birdhouseapp.com/

If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Making college affordable, restful, and culturally relevant; the cupping comforts of secondary scholarship; Adam becomes a costumed mascot and buys a new koch; how many greeting cards does it take to change (or not change) Los Altos?; Playing Marco Polo with immigrant labor; sweet corn, fresh from the tank; Leopold Bloom, Herman Blume, and the subtler hermeneutics of dysentery; abrupt Chinese c*nsorship; Merlin gets talk-blocked by a blogless Belizean zookeeper; Kraftwerk speak through a vocoder about “Das Futur”; the suspicious motions of Ad Hoc Tai Chi; still no cream for senioritis; and Scott offers East Arcadia State’s surviving TAs an urgent drum solo.

Photo Credit: The Lion sleeps tonight by law_keven (cc by-sa)

Merlin: Boy Scout
Scott: Boy Scout
Adam: YMCA Indian Guide

Listen as we conduct our exclusive pro gift-giving super-session TED Talk master class webinar. Over $600 in essential GiftWisdom™ is yours for FREE. Topics include, but are not limited to:

1. Virtual presents
2. Secret Santa? Secret Sucker!
3. 1978
4. Holiday photography essentials
5. Lessons from Guantanamo Bay
6. Cinco de Nada
7. A members-only sponsorship opportunity

As a special bonus, Adam reveals his secret “Thought That Counts” method: learn how to give gifts without actually giving them!

But wait, you say, I’ve already completed my Christmas shopping. Heck, I’ve even given out all the presents already! Whatever, busybody. Luckily, these Power Tip Essentials are just as relevant for anniversaries, birthdays, and any other holiday where gifts are expected.

Also Included, Absolutely Free: Holiday letters, a new typeface for a new generation, unnecessary repetition in the 12 Steps, special razors, stoplight entrepreneurs, beard equity, just $250.

1930’s wandering troubadour Trinket Pills (? - 1939) scored a brief hit on the Wichita charts with his plaintive Ballad of Joey Nickelpuss:

Th’ evil alley boys taunted him,
But ole’ Young Joe made his way.
Terrible crash of bowlin’ pins
Th’ sound of a long long day.

Rags to riches to rags it went,
Th’ boy would rage and cuss.
“Mama ain’t mama for me no more,”
Spit poor little Joey Nickelpuss.

We’re bringing back ‘ole Young Joey Nickelpuss. A generation of children need a hero for these lean times.

Also: New directions in car horn technology, why does Adam’s car smell so good?, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”: A Synopsis, secular bands, paper swords, ad hoc ninjascapades, what’s on your wall.

Photo: Bowling

If “penultimate” meant “last,” this would be the penultimate episode of our VSOP series. Thanks again to John Hodgman, Jonathan Coulton, and the sturdy padlocks on the studio doors that prevented their escape.

This episode will be more interesting than average for: farmers, Québécoises, basket weavers, camp counselors, small business owners, and a capella aficionados.

This episode will be less interesting than average for: dancers, hair stylists, carnies, Renaissance buffs, vegans, and criminals.

Original photo by Pete Ryan. (We modified it.) Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

YLNT VSOP, Part II! The drugs* have kicked in, and we have reached cruising altitude. Stay tuned for the final, gripping conclusion to the VSOP series next week. Or so.

A partial list of works referenced in this episode, and their creators:

• “Colonel Heimlich Grows a Beard” (Graham Greene)
• Mall, Mini-Mall, Strip Mall (M.C. Escher)
• Shut Up, Hick! (George Carlin)
• LEGO Group v. Linden (U.S. Supreme Court)
• Carnival Displacement (Damien Hirst)
• Dream of an Undiscovered Room (René Magritte)
• Resuscitation Situation (Jamiroquai)

* Imodium, Dermarest

Photo by frozenmeat (detail)

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.

It’s YLNT VSOP, Part I! We convened a special session in San Francisco, featuring guests John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton. Aided by Hodgman’s expertise and Coulton’s hatred of poetry, we finally got to the bottom of our most lingering questions:

1. Why is Kevin Bacon famously uncomfortable around FAX machines?
2. How does Adam save the world by not wearing shoes?
3. What are the slam poet’s secret romantic techniques?
4. Why are short films so long? And also: vice versa?
5. Why do alfalfa farmers know so much about the Renaissance?
6. What food is best eaten deep-fried?

…and many more. Hodgman’s new book is More Information Than You Require. The YLNT Writers’ Retreat recently purchased 22 copies, one for each bathroom on the estate. The inmates—sorry, the “writers in residence”—seem to be enjoying it very much.

UPDATE: If you enjoyed this episode, you might like to learn more about how we made it. Check out the production journal.

Photo by Ryan Carver (detail). Check out his other great photos from that day here.

Special Guests: John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton.