Teen Connectivity

Today's episode will explore the issue of parenting in the digital age and how to get out of the cycle of using screen time as reward and punishment. Not all screen time is equal. We will look at the good and the bad and how we can best balance being a consumer with being a creator. Parents will be asked to reflect on their own screen habits before looking at a framework for house rules regarding technology. The goal is to humanize ourselves with our children, avoid power struggles and deepen our connection to one another as all of us learn how to co-exist with technology in the healthiest way. 

It is always a privilege to have an opportunity to learn from a teen. Izzy is a high school senior who has learned to navigate her own challenges and advocate for other teens. She shares her thoughts on being a teen today, shares some of her hopes and dreams and offers words of wisdom for kids just starting high school. She also offers advice for parents for keeping lines of communication open with their teen. 

"All bodies are good bodies" is Amy Pence Brown's mantra. Amy's writing, art and activism serve as a catalyst to get people talking about uncomfortable subjects. Through her work she invites us to question where our beliefs come from and the boxes culture tries to put us in. Part of her mission is to create more acceptance and love for others and for ourselves through the process of discovering our own authenticity. She believes "personal revolution is the first step." She has created programs for kids, teens and adults and continues to share her message through her writing, art and speaking engagements. 

Heather Glenn with Aligned Ambition is passionate about helping people identify their strengths and approach pursuits from and angle that aligns with their gifts. She talks about the difference between "counterfeit confidence" and real confidence.  She has a six week process of self-inquiry for teens just beginning their journey (or for adults looking to switch paths) that guides them to discover their internal strengths, to find a starting point for the next step and to begin to build authentic confidence.  Are you a connector, an influencer, an analyzer, etc.? She also gives permission to pivot, acknowledging that many of us will shift course several times in our life. She works to identify the unique parts of individual personalities that can be used as an asset and teaches people how to apply these internal qualities to the areas where they want to make a contribution in the world. 

The book “The Coaching Habit” by Michael Bungay Stanier also serves as a wonderful model for parenting. Today’s episode explores 5 of the questions he suggests using to guide people to become their own best expert and solver of their own problems. This process can help our kids map their own inner landscape and get to the heart of their challenges. Once the essence of what is really going on is discovered, we can act as a catalyst for inviting our kids to explore the boundaries of their courage, possibilities and potential and help them strengthen their perspective taking muscles.

Parenting and worry seem synonymous. Most parents become experts at imagining catastrophe. This habit often means we parent from a place of fear and reactivity. Author Stephen Covey encourages us to differentiate between our Circle of Concern - all the things we worry about, and our Circle of Influence - all the things we can actually do something about. In this episode we explore what it means to stay in your Circle of Influence as a parent. The things that parents can control include: nurturing and tending to the quality of relationships, managing our own emotions and reactivity, working on our own communications skills and having clear expectations and calmly and consistently holding well thought out boundaries.

High school senior, Maggie Olson, has figured out that the key to managing her anxiety is to manage her thinking. She says,  "I realize that, yes, I am feeling anxious, but it is okay and I try to fix that thinking into how I can not be so anxious - get behind what is actually happening. Acceptance is a huge part.” She offers some great insight into how we as parents can help kids understand, accept and navigate all feelings. Maggie has taken lessons learned from her personal journey and is helping lead a community service project - a center to help teens connect with peers, connect with mental health resources and simply provide a positive place to be after school.

This episode is for all of you practicing letting go of your kids.  Perhaps it’s letting your kid get on the bus to an out of town sporting event and traveling without you for the first time.  It might be leaving your kindergartner for their first day of school or dropping off your teen for their first day of high school. Maybe it's letting go and allowing your kid to fully experience the consequence of a bad choice. Maybe it's letting go as they have their first sleep over or letting go as they drive on their own for the first time or as they move out for college. Whatever the letting go may be, how do you find your inner calm?  It is through trusting that you have done your job.  It's by wrapping your kid in the right kind of bubble wrap. Wrap your kid in your confidence in their ability.  All their power lies within.  Ann Landers says “It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.”

How do we move beyond a parenting system of reward and punishment to strategies that help our kids develop internal motivation, good decision making skills and competence to manage their lives? Author, Alfie Kohn suggests that punishments and rewards lead kids to be less connected to others and less aware of the impact of their actions, both positive and negative. Kids begin to think more along the lines of "what is going to happen to me if I do or don't do something?"  A stronger approach is to give our kids some choice and control over their own lives whenever we can. When we must take control and we are clear that the reason behind our request serves a higher purpose, we need to help our kids understand our "why" and that our desire isn't to control them. This is how they will learn to self-manage. 

In the middle of the rush to get everything done, the endless parties and the anxiety that comes with the season, don't forget to breathe. Let go of perfection. The holidays will be enough no matter what you do or don’t do.  Give yourself permission to do less and simply love more.