Relationship Rescue

What is your threshold for pain?

How long are you willing to be disrespected in your relationship before you say, "enough."

I find that many of my clients are denying what is right in front of them. We do this for many reasons. I discuss all of them on this episode!

I wrote these 12 Commandments YEARS ago. This is how I live. These are the rules I live by. 

In this episode I am going to deep dive how to use my commandments to create a healthy, loving, peaceful, and joyful relationship.

These commandments will also greatly help you be in charge of your life, your mind and reduce your fear, worry, and stress!

I created The 12 Commandments of Being An Empowered Person: 

1. Define Clearly What You Want To Give To The World. You need to align yourself with professionalism, ethics and showing up as the highest standard of you, every day. That means you will learn to surrender to the things you cannot control, and let go of the things you desperately want to control. You need to have faith, hope and surrender certain situations to the Universe so you can live the life you were meant to live without distractions. Trust that God is taking care of whatever you have surrendered.
2. Establish And Maintain Safe, Clear, Boundaries To Ensure Great Relationships With Everyone In Your Life. 
3. Build Rapport With Co-Workers, Business Partners, Other Parents, Anyone In Your Life That You Have To Deal With Outside of Family. 
4. Deepen Your Intuition. When you do this you will be more confident in your decisions, less stressed and anxiety will dissipate. You will know you are making the right decision and will not question yourself. 
5. Listen Actively. You will be fully present and pay attention to whomever you are speaking with or dealing within that present moment. You will fully understand what is being said to you and how you would like to respond. 
6. Ask Questions. If you do not understand something, you will ask for it to be explained. This way you never walk away from any situation confused, angry or resentful.
7. Communicate Directly. You will use clear, powerful language in all your dealings that eliminates confusion maintains focus, and has the greatest positive impact on the situation at hand.
8. Be Curious. If you don't know the answer to something you will find it. You will use Google, or YouTube, or read a book. You will take the bulls by the horn. You will always be learning, not quitting.
9. Design Empowered Action Steps. You will plan your days ahead of time, stick with your morning routine, set goals, and have a plan to reach those goals within a certain timeframe. 
10. Hold Yourself Accountable. You will set deadlines. You will reward yourself for meeting your deadlines for tasks, goals, and finding your Taken Talent. If you don't meet a deadline, you will make a new deadline, and make sure it gets done.
11. Trust Yourself. You will trust that you do know what is best for you, not be sidetracked, celebrate your momentum, and even if you don't believe you know enough or are good enough, you will continue to learn and grow trusting that you are equipped with everything you need. 
12. Have Fun. You will make time for self-love. You will put yourself first. You will schedule some sort of activity for yourself every single day! 

If you're a terrible problem solver, most likely your relationship is suffering.

I realized years ago; I was a bad problem solver. One of the first shifts I did was I started to seek solutions instead of focusing on the issue. Once I started doing that, I realized that there infinite possibilities open to me. I began to see choices. I realized I wasn't stuck.

I suffered from years of abuse and trauma; my nervous system was a wreck. I was always in flight or fight mode. I was trying to run from the problem or fight it, but not accept it and find a solution.

Start recognizing your perceived problems that seem to be on repeat. Call those problems by their real name, fear.

What are these problems you keep telling yourself? Why haven't you sought solutions?

When we start regularly talking about our problems with other people, we stay stuck where we are. When we complain about our partner to other people, they will take your side, and no solution will be found. All that does is keep you stuck in the problem.

So whether or not you stay in the marriage/relationship you need to learn how to communicate with your next partner. Yes, there will be a next partner and you cannot keep making the same mistakes. Do not waste time dating until you have learned how to become a conscious partner. 

Being a conscious partner is vital to your reconciliation, too!

A conscious partnership is a relationship that is mutually supportive and fosters the psychological and spiritual growth of both individuals; it's when both partners focus on the relationship as primary. 

The characteristics of a Conscious Partnership:

1. You realize that your love relationship has more meaning than you once thought. You see the person clearly. The good, the bad, and the ugly and recognize their patterns of needing, showing, and accepting love are deeply embedded within them. 

2. You create a more accurate image of your partner. Let go of the illusions and begin to see your partner's truth. You see that they are not your savior nor your adversary. They are another human being that once to feel connected and happy just like you.

3. You learn to ask for what you want. You say things in a concise with, with a kind voice, a soft look, and speak clearly. You use "I" messages. "I need..." "I feel..." You realize you have to develop clear channels of communication so that both you and your partner can get the specifics of the love you both desire.

4. You move from being reactive to proactive. No more reacting without thinking. You will employ new brain responses by becoming intentional in your interactions and practice behavior in a more constructive and effective manner.

5. You focus on keeping the relationship safe at all times. You acknowledge the negative effects of criticism, blame, and shame. You will replace negativity with affirming, positive behaviors to establish the safety necessary for growth. 

6. You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as well as your own. Your partner's role is not to just take care of your needs. Nor is your role to take care of their needs. You take care of each other's needs while tending to your own!

7. You find new ways to satisfy your basic needs and desires. During the power struggle, people cajole, harangue, and blame their partners to coerce them to meet their needs. When you create a more conscious partnership, you discover that your partner can indeed be a resource for you once you abandon your self-defeating tactics. 

8. You shift from judgment to curiosity about your partner in order to discover their unique internal world. You move away from assumptions and judgment and toward curiosity and wonder to discover who your partner is, accept who they are not, and revel in the fact that it is ok.

9. You become aware of your drive to become loving and united with the connecting energy. You must have the capacity to love without expecting anything in return while taking care of yourself. Let your partner know they can depend on you, and they will do the same for you.

10. You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship. No one is perfect. You realize that you must be a good partner and the right partner. You understand that a good relationship requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to change. 

My client Jason went from despair to clarity and lack of self-confidence, fear, and anxiety to empowerment quickly.

In this episode, I interview Jason, and you will learn we got him to a place of thriving and empowerment.

Jason will share the signs that he saw that his ex-wife was having an emotional affair.

We will go through how staying disconnected in your marriage is the pitfall. If reconnection does not happen, that marriage cannot be saved.

We dive deep into how trust is essential in the marriage. Jason explains that without trust, he had to make a choice, he didn't want to carry this pain any longer. He chose to let go. As he will tell you, he calls it "lip service," her words were not believable because they were never back up by action.

When he filed, she finally started taking action. But it was too late!

Do not miss this interview. I recommend listening to the podcast a few times.

www.HeatherCatherineCarter.Com

The top 3 things couples fight about: Sex, money, & kids. If your marriage changed when the kids came, you're not alone.

Let's face it, a big reason you're not having sex anymore is because of the kids. There is no quality time, romance is gone, you're fighting over the chores, because you're sick of no sex, romance, and quality time. Then the blame game starts and everything you used to ignore before the kids becomes a pet peeve. No one can let anything go, your arguments are on repeat, and no one will capitulate.

The average couple argues 19 times a month and has sex on average once a week, every other week, or once a month. We're fighting more than we're having sex. That's a problem!

Sex is important. Connection is important. Let's break this down. Women have a hard time being a mother and a wife. There is a scientific reason behind it, and I am about to share it. We become so maternal, we neglect the marriage. I did it too!

In order for Modern Marriage to work we have to start prioritizing the marriage or one of three things will happen:

1. Divorce will keep ripping marriages apart
2. You will end up in a loveless marriage and living with a roommate
3. One of you or both of you will stray

Before we continue you must understand women do not want sex if there is no emotional connection and men have sex to feel emotionally connected. This is the first crossroads.

So where do we start? From the beginning. I have my clients tell me every detail -their marriage story-from the beginning. I also need to know all about their childhood, their attachment style, and about their spouses. I need a thorough assessment to figure out what I am up against. I have to figure out if there is something deeper going on. Ten out of ten times there is something deeper going on.

Let's start here...

What causes the rush of good feelings that we call romantic love? Scientists that study natural hormones and chemicals tell us that lovers are literally high on drugs-substances that flood their bodies with a sense of well-being. 

During the attraction phase of a relationship, the brain releases more dopamine and norepinephrine, two of the body's neurotransmitters. These chemicals help contribute to the rosy outlook on life, a rapid pulse, increased energy, and a sense of heightened perception. 

Oxytocin is enhanced as well. Oxytocin is a potent hormone that plays a role in many aspects of our lives, including childbirth, nursing, orgasm, the bonding of mother and child, and social connections between individuals. 

During the phase when lovers want to be together every moment of the day, the brain also ramps up its production of endorphins and enkephalins, natural narcotics that enhance the sense of security and comfort. 

Romantic love is an intense emotional experience with measurable biological components-heart palpitations, sweating, sleeplessness, and impaired ability to concentrate. 

The joy of falling in love is a part of us; it is a deep-seated belief that love will give us a chance to be nurtured once again and re-experience the sense of connection with which we began our lives. 

The first of four sentences that occur early in a relationship is, "I know we've just met, but somehow I feel like I already know you." For some unaccountable reason, people feel at ease with each other. They feel a comfortable resonance as if they had known each other for years. 

Then a little bit later, the second significant exchange of information happens, "Even though we've only been seeing each other for a short time, I can't remember when I didn't know you." Even though they met only a few weeks or months ago, it seems as if they have always been together; their relationship has no temporal boundaries. We call this the phenomenon of timelessness. 

When the relationship has had time to...

How does the saying, "If you love something set it free, if it's meant for you, it will come back to you, if not, it was never meant to be" related to marriage and relationships-whether you have been together two years or 20 years?

Partners are meant to evolve and access the highest parts within themselves. You cannot do that if you are in an unhealthy relationship, or are unhealthy yourself and unwilling to seek help.

Healing occurs in the present. Our pain is not coming from the love we didn't receive in the past, but from the love, we are giving ourselves in the present.

A relationship is not meant for two unhealthy people to stay stuck and stagnate. A relationship is not intended to be the joining at the hip of 2 emotionally invalids without the potential for growth within.

The purpose of a relationship is not for two incomplete people to become one and stay that way.

A relationship is meant for two people to come together, grow together, heal together, and to keep evolving.

When physical proximity no longer supports the highest level of growth, teaching, and learning, a physical separation will happen.

If one person stops growing, healing, and trying, the relationship must and will cease. If it doesn't cease to exist when toxic, no one will grow or heal. In turn, each person will live within anger, resentment, stagnation, and this is when we begin to develop disease within the body physically, mentally, and emotionally.

You must not be afraid to let the one you love go. For if you are meant to be together, nothing will stop that from happening. Your love will stand the test as long as growth happens outside the relationship, and you both can come back together, healthily and respectfully.