Asking for Myself

Boundaries, Codependency, and People Pleasing

Do you find yourself constantly struggling with setting boundaries, feeling caught up in codependent patterns, or finding it challenging to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing? In this episode, we navigate the delicate terrain of personal boundaries, codependency, and the art of putting oneself first.

Join me as I embark on a thought-provoking discussion with experts in the field—THE boundary therapist, Lacy Simmons and codependency coach, Klara Kernig. Together, we unravel the complexities of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in various relationships.

Today’s Questions

• What factors contribute to the development of codependency and difficulties in setting boundaries? Are there early indicators, such as childhood experiences or attachment styles, that may lead someone down this path?
• Is indecisiveness a symptom of people pleasing? What about perfectionism?
• What is self-esteem? Where does self-esteem come from?
• Why do people pleasers want to give, but then experience resentment from giving “too much”? Is the desire to please genuine?
• How do individuals who have been entangled in codependent dynamics recognize and break free from these patterns?
• What are the common behavior patterns that manifest in people struggling with codependency?
• What does it look like to work with a therapist on your boundaries?
• How and when do you compromise while staying true to your needs?
• How can you start setting boundaries? Is it worth saying no just to practice saying no?
• What if the people in your life don’t respond well to your boundaries?

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Do you have that one friend that’s always in a toxic relationship? Is that friend you? This episode is all about red flags, unhealthy dynamics, and some serious introspection. I dive into murky waters with therapists Dr. Carli Blau and Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick (aka Dr. Liz). 

Here’s what we get into:

• Are there predictors for ending up in an unhealthy relationship, such as childhood trauma/certain types of attachment wounds, or can anyone end up in an unhealthy relationship?
• What are common behavior patterns that show up for people who have been in emotionally abusive relationships?
• How do you identify and distinguish between a genuine red flag vs. a personal preference?

• How do you talk about previous relationships and/or insecurities with a new partner?
• How do you empathize with your partner while still honoring your needs?
• How can you work through and heal from your own red flags? 

Trust me, you’re gonna want to tune in. 

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Painful Sex, Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy, and Pursuing Pleasure

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. 🙊 Today we’re talking all things painful penetration. In this episode, I am joined by wellness influencer and podcast host Alyssa Harper and pelvic floor physical therapist and online health educator Dr. Sabrina Baxter. This episode is so important to me and I hope you have some incredible takeaways! Whether you experience the occasional mild discomfort, chronic painful insertion, or you have sex with someone who experiences painful sex, this episode is definitely one to listen to!

Today’s questions:

• What is vulvar pain vs vaginal pain?
• When is it worth seeking help? What kind of help is available?
• What is pelvic floor physical therapy (PT)? 
• What is a “normal” amount of pain?
• How can your cycle impact painful penetration?
• How do you communicate with a partner about pain during sex?
• Is there a correlation between perfectionism and pelvic floor pain/tension?
• How do you speak up with a partner when experiencing discomfort and pain?
• What is a sexologist and what does it look like to work with one?
• Can mismatched sexual desire/libido be an incompatibility or can you work through it with a partner?
• How can you “warm up” when you don’t have much time?
• How can one get better at fingering?
• What is it like to work with a pelvic floor PT?

Partners:

Today's episode is brought to you by...

Uberlube - use code TABU for 10% off!

Semaine - use code TABU for 20% off!

Revol Cares - use code AFM15 for 15% off!

Resources:

Dr. Sabrina's Guide to Pain FREE Penetration

Asking for Myself's Yes/No/Maybe List

BDSM/Kink Test

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STIs, Herpes, Genital Warts, and Taking Control of your Sexual Health

This episode was born out of an Instagram DM, “was on a second date...he says: “I have genital warts” and feel like if it’s heading in that direction it something you need to know” and I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. No one has ever prepared me for that moment except in middle school the teachers saying stay away from people with STIs, but like what is the correct thing to do/say???" (~50 min mark)

So, I went directly to the experts to get an answer. In this episode, I was delighted to be joined by Laureen HD — sex educator and sexual health advocate and Melody G — artist, educator, and creator of WTF is HPV.

What do we discuss?

• What are some of the common misconceptions about HSV and HPV?
• Has COVID helped us become more mindful of community health and openly discussing our sexual health/STI status?
• What is a herpes outbreak like? What can you expect if you’ve recently been diagnosed?
• Can doctors determine which strain you have of HSV and/or HPV? What’s the difference and why, if at all, does it matter?
• Should you ask to get tested for HPV? How about HSV?
• Should you disclose your status to someone and if so, when?
• What is an ideal response to being told a potential partner has an STI? 
• Is it okay to turn someone down who has an STI? What is a compassionate way to handle this conversation?
• What is the best way to disclose your positive herpes diagnosis? Is it misleading to use the term HSV vs. herpes?
• What encouragement would you give to someone who feels the need to settle because they have an STI? 
• How can you navigate dating with a positive diagnosis and not feel doomed?

Products mentioned in today’s episode!

IHD (Innovative Health Diagnostics) for convenient, at-home STI testing - make sure you use our link!

Semaine Health Urinary Cleanse Supplements for protection against UTIs. Use code TABU for 20% off!

Uberlube, you already know. Go on ahead and use code TABU for 10% off your order!

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Self-love, body image, and self-pleasure

Today I am joined by the one and only Cat Lygate, the founder of UNGIRL. UNGIRL is a platform to educate and empower people's sexuality and self-confidence. Cat dropped so many gems this episode! 💎 Here’s what I asked her:

• How did religion play a role in your attitude toward sex and masturbation?
• How did you cope with slut-shaming?
• How have you developed self-love?
• How did you grow to love or accept your “saggy boobs”?
• Do you align more with body positivity or body neutrality?
• Do we need to love our genitals? What can we do if we... don't?
• Is masturbation for everyone? Do some people just not like it?
• How do you get more comfortable with masturbation?
• Are there best practices when it comes to masturbation? How can we switch it up?
• Is it worth investing in a sex toy? If so, which one(s)?
• What are the benefits of masturbation?
• How can you address the inability to orgasm?
• Is it okay/healthy to masturbate when you’re in a relationship?

Today’s episode is brought to you by Uberlube, the ultimate luxurious lubricant that will have you begging for more. Grab yours today at **uberlube.com** and get 10% off with code TABU.

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Links: Internal vs. external processor Spontaneous vs. responsive desire

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Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today we’re talking about a topic that’s near and dear to my heart, sexual trauma. This episode contains content about a topic that is understandably highly sensitive for many people. If this topic is triggering for you, it may be difficult to listen to this episode. That being said, the goal of this episode is to be a guide and a warm hug to all survivors of any form of trauma. If it’s too much for you, you can listen in chunks or skip it entirely. We don’t go into any graphic detail, but rather focus on coping strategies for healing and guidance to partners and friends or family who want to support someone they love. 🥰 

Here are some of the questions we address:

• What is trauma?
• How does trauma impact the body and how does that show up during sex?
• Is there a benefit to labeling sexual trauma/assault? 
• Why do we blame ourselves when really we are the victim?
• Why do we so often freeze in response to threat? 
• Does the freeze response make it harder to report or prosecute sexual assault?
• How do we determine who we can confide in about a sexual trauma? 
• What is the best way we can support a loved one who has experienced trauma?
• Why do so many of us engage in risky behaviors post-trauma?
• How do we choose partners that feel safe without settling for someone just because they feel safe? 
• How can you tell your partner about your assault? 
• Can or should you tell a hookup about your triggers and trauma? And if so, how? 
• Is therapy the only option to heal from sexual trauma? 
• What does it mean to be a trauma-informed practitioner? 
• How can BDSM/kink help us heal from trauma? 

Today’s brilliant and incredible guests: 

Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, licensed clinical social worker, founder of The Healing Exchange, and co-creator of Afrosexology. 

Alyssa Pressman, licensed clinical therapist & certified trauma-informed sex and relationship coach. 

Sponsors:

• Uberlube — luxury, silicone lubricant. Use code TABU for 10% off your purchase. 
• Honey Play Box — body-safe, affordable toys. Get 25% off your purchase with code TABU. 

Sexual trauma support resources:

• Pleasure After Trauma Class with Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, LCSW
• Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life by Dr. Holly Richmond
• Instagram accounts: @heal.and.chill, @thesurvivorstoolbox, @weareungirls
• Find a trauma-informed therapist on Therapy Den

Self-care & mental health resources:

youfeellikeshit.com 

getmoodfit.com

wysa.io 

Suicide resources:

Text ‘HELLO’ to 741-741 for the Crisis Text Line or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for the National Suicide Lifeline.

For LGBTQIA+ youth under 25, get 24/7 crisis intervention & suicide prevention lifeline support with The Trevor Project. Text ‘START’ to 678678 or dial (866) 488-7386. 

Get the support you deserve. You really, truly do deserve it. ❤️

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How does your attachment style impact your relationships?

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today I am joined by Dr. Betsy Chung and Nicole Walker We’re taking it back to where it all began…our childhoods. We talk about the buzzy topic of attachment styles and how we can meaningfully understand our pasts to inform a brighter future, particularly when it comes to our relationships. So here’s what I asked:

• What are the different attachment styles and how are they informed?
• How early do your experiences begin to shape your identity and impact your future relationships?
• Do people who aren’t used to being in a securely attached relationship find themselves getting bored with a securely attached partner?
• Is it common to have a different attachment style with your friends vs. your partners and why?
• Are women attracted to men like their fathers and are men are attracted to women like their mothers? Does the same hold true in same-sex partnerships?
• Do certain attachment styles tend to attract each other?
• Are certain attachment styles less compatible?
• How do you navigate the anxious-avoidant dynamic in a relationship?
• How much weight should you give to someone’s attachment style? Is it in some ways self-fulfilling?
• How do you trust yourself but also let go of patterns that aren't serving you?

As you listen, you’re gonna want to give your inner child a big hug. 🥰 As you should!

Stay connected with Dr. Betsy and Nicole on Instagram!

📢 Calling all therapist and coaches! Build your digital storefront with Niche, your marketplace for mental health.

If you’re not a first-time listener, you know how much I LOVE Uberlube, the ultimate luxurious lubricant. If you haven’t tried Uberlube yet, trust me, you’re missing out. Moisturizing, silky smooth, and silicone-based for some added oomph. Grab yourself a bottle (or several) at uberlube.com and get 10% off with code TABU. 💦

📚 Books referenced:

• The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson </aside>

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Being Single, Getting on Apps, and Learning How to Communicate

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today I am joined by Ilana Dunn, host of the podcast Seeing Other People, and Stevie Bowen, author and creator of The City of Dating. Today we get into my least favorite topic…dating apps. Of course, I had a lot of questions, including the following:

• What is it like dating with a public “persona”?
• How do you resist the urge to social media stalk before a first date? Is it ever worth it?
• What’s the breakdown of the dating apps? What should I use if I’m actually looking for something serious? (check out the last episode if you’re looking for something that’s not! 😜)
• How do you navigate being the only single friend?
• How do you choose the right photos for your profile?
• What can you do if you’ve gained weight or have some other physical change? Is it catfishing if you don’t update your photos?
• What is proper "texting" etiquette on dating apps? Are you ghosting if you simply never respond?
• Is it helpful to date more than one person at a time?
• How do you recognize signs of incompatibility? How many dates /chances do you give someone?
• Has COVID made us better at consent and open conversations about STIs?
• Community Q: What if your partner finds your sexy flirting awkward?
• Community Q: What can you do when the energy feels one-sided and the person you’re dating never take initiative to plan dates?

Ilana and Stevie share some great advice and a lot of relatable stories...and you know I brought the laughs. Hope you enjoy listening!

There’s a new app in town and it’s open for business. Allow me to introduce to you daters out there #open. #open is the polyamorous dating app for couples and singles who embrace ethical non-monogamy—from polyamory to threesomes, kinky dates, and more. #open is dating, updated. Download #open on the App Store or Google Play Store today!

Need to tame those flyaways on your way to the bar? Date getting hot and heavy? Enter, Uberlube, the ultimate luxurious lubricant. If you haven’t tried Uberlube yet, you are seriously missing out. Moisturizing, silky smooth, and silicone-based for some added oomph. Grab yourself a bottle (or several) at uberlube.com and get 10% off with code TABU. 💦

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Casual Sex, Hookups, and Building Sexual Confidence

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today I am joined by sex therapist-in-training training and host of the Handy Mandy Podcast, Amanda Pahl, and sex and relationship coach Dr. Tara, host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast. Here’s what we get into on the episode:

• How do you get comfortable having sex with new people after a breakup?
• How do you not think about your ex during sex and stop comparing them to every new sexual partner?
• How do you not take it personally when someone is just not that into you?
• How can you leave a hookup when you’re no longer into it?
• Are one-night stands worth it? How can you make them more pleasurable?
• Should you wait a certain number of dates to have sex with someone?
• Is it okay to bring a sex toy to a hookup?
• How can you introduce your kinks and desires with a new partner?
• How much is too much when it comes to having sex under the influence?
• How do you get someone to wear a condom?

This was such a fun episode and I loved every minute of it. I hope you do, too!

A huge shout out to today’s sponsor, Uberlube, the ultimate luxurious lubricant. If you haven’t tried Uberlube yet, you are seriously missing out. Moisturizing, silky smooth, and silicone-based for some added oomph. Only the best for you, my darling. Grab yourself a bottle (or several) at uberlube.com and get 10% off with code TABU. 💦

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Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

If you or someone you love has experienced sexual assault, there are resources that can help. 🙏🏽

• Pleasure After Trauma Class with Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, LCSW
• Reclaiming Pleasure : A Sex Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life by Dr. Holly Richmond
• Instagram accounts: @heal.and.chill, @thesurvivorstoolbox, @weareungirls
• Find a trauma-informed therapist on Therapy Den

Get the support you deserve. You really, truly do deserve it. ❤️

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Couples Counseling, Navigating Conflict, and Sex Therapy

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today I am joined by sex therapist Kaycee Polite and relationship coach Shula Melamed to talk all things couples counseling. What do I ask this week?

• What is the difference between therapy and coaching?
• What is sex therapy and who is it for?
• Is it ever too early or too late to seek couples counseling?
• What can couples expect from therapy or coaching? What does a typical session look like and how long is the therapeutic relationship meant to last?
• What can you do if one partner doesn't want to be in therapy and the other does?
• If you are in couples counseling, should you also seek individual therapy or coaching? What is the difference in terms of format and expectations?
• Where does defensiveness come from and what can you do when you notice it showing up, both within yourself and within your partner?
• Are we responsible for our partner’s emotions?
• When is it time to call it quits vs continue working on the relationship?
• What can couples do when there are dips in desire and mismatched libidos
• How do you build sexual intimacy with your partner and get creative in your sex life over time?
• What if your partner is resistant to trying new things or intimidated?

So yes, a lot of questions! 😅 Let’s get into it!

A huge shout out to today’s sponsor, Uberlube, the ultimate luxurious lubricant. Grab yours today at uberlube.com and get 10% off with code TABU. 💦

Are you a therapist or coach looking for ways to earn passive income and build your online community? Build your digital storefront with Niche, your marketplace for mental health.

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

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