G4 Emotions

What are you supposed to do with the heaviness of step four? Those narratives are very “sticky” or wouldn’t be able to create the level of disruption that they do. They are also plausible; if they didn’t make so much sense in light of a trauma, then we would just shake them off and move on with our lives.

The fifth step may not seem intuitive at first, but once you think about it, it should seem very logical. You need to take time to mourn the trauma you experienced and its impact. Now that you’ve begun the process of removing the destructive suffering messages, you can grieve the experience without the emotional contaminants that are so tempting (i.e., blaming yourself, being angry at God, isolating from safe people, or generally be cynical about life).

Until we remove the destructive narratives that attached to our suffering from our experience of trauma our, sadness is perpetually interrupted by arguing against the things we fear our trauma means. We get stuck trying to solve theological riddles about God or reasoning ourselves into trusting again.

“This is exactly why Lamentations was inspired by God as sacred Scripture—it teaches us how to mourn overwhelming losses and yet find hope in God (p. 155).” Steven R. Tracy in Mending the Soul

Grief is a process by which we embrace the fact that God agrees with our sorrows. We don’t have to convince anyone of anything. We can be weak, sad, and cared for like we longed to but didn’t feel safe to ask for. The counter narrative that the gospel provides for our experience of trauma only makes sense from a context of safety; otherwise we are only frantically arguing with fear, which is like trying to put out a grease fire with water (makes sense, but doesn’t work).

To help you understand what it means to grieve your experience of trauma and the impact it has had, we will consider the subject of mourning in three sections.

1. What Is Being Mourned?
2. Mourning’s Traumatic Twin: Fixation
3. How to Mourn

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This is not the step in which you will answer, “Why did this happen to me?” But that is the question that drives us to make sense out of the defining experiences of our life, of which traumas are typically included. From the time we begin to annoy our parents with the incessant question “Why?” people seek to make meaning of and find order in life.

Trauma crashes the narrative. Life no longer makes sense when something traumatic happens. If an event fit our existing narrative, it would have been “interesting,” “sad,” or “shocking” but not “traumatic.” By definition trauma, explodes our categories for living a life that seems to have coherence and direction.

“Trauma can shatter an entire worldview in less time than it takes for the trauma to occur (p. 161).” Diane Langberg in On the Threshold of Hope

In this chapter we will look at the unhealthy ways people commonly make sense of trauma. Do not feel guilty if the way you make sense of your trauma is false. An abused child should not feel guilty for believing their abuse happened because they were “a bad kid.” The story is false, but seeing its falseness should bring hope not shame. God invites you to be very honest.

“One bold message in the book of Job is that you can say anything to God. Throw him your grief, your anger, your doubt, your bitterness, your betrayal, your disappointment—he can absorb them all… God can deal with every human response save one. He cannot abide the response I fall back on instinctively: an attempt to ignore him or treat him as though he does not exist. That response never once occurred to Job (p. 235).” Phillip Yancey in Disappointment with God

Don’t get locked down trying to put your confusion into words perfectly or capturing your beliefs just right. Your hope is not rooted in your ability to articulate your experience perfectly, but in the freedom that comes when you doubt these false narratives enough that God can begin to replace them with truth.

"There’s no single correct way to construct a person's abuse story (p. 147).” Steven R. Tracy in Mending the Soul

One final introductory remark, you should realize you will not reason or re-narrate yourself out of having post-traumatic symptoms. False narratives may enhance post-traumatic symptoms, but they do not cause them. Identifying (step 4), grieving (step 5), and replacing (step 6) these false narratives help to disempower the memories of trauma so that the strategies of reconnecting with life and relationships (steps 7 and 8) have an easier time taking root.

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Scars and casts, as painful as they are, come with advantages; they can be seen, they elicit sympathy, and they make our limitations understandable. Trauma does not afford us these luxuries. The impact of trauma is usually unseen, unknown, and therefore the limitations it creates are deemed “unacceptable.”

It is not just “them” who are guilty of these reactions. We, those who have experienced the trauma, often do not understand its impact because we cannot see its injuries; so we are often harder on ourselves than anyone else. We long to forget. We wish it was “just in the past” so we are more motivated than anyone else to respond in this way.

“Any treatment approach that is not predicated on a basic comprehension of the nature of trauma in what it does to human beings will be ineffective and possibly harmful (p. 45)… Too often the survivor is seen by herself and others as ‘nuts,’ ‘crazy,’ or ‘weird,’ unless her responses are understood within the context of trauma (p. 68).” Diane Langberg in Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse

The goal of this chapter is simple – to help you understand the impact of trauma so that you feel less crazy.

Understanding the impact of your trauma is part of establishing a sense of safety – it is what allows you to feel safe in your own body and mind, even when your instinctual responses to life events are unpleasant. Understanding is what provides the sense of stability and insight necessary to begin to counter those impacts.

We will examine the impact of trauma in three sections:

1. Stages of Identity in Response to Trauma
2. Factors that Influence Impact
3. Types of Impact to Expect

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There is nothing “fun” or enjoyable about this step. However, it is a good and needed part of the process. But do not allow these first two statements to cause you to think, “Alright then, let’s get it over with as quickly as possible.” That would be a mistake that could result in re-traumatizing yourself.

“Though the single most common therapeutic error is avoidance of the traumatic material, probably the second most common error is premature or precipitate engagement in exploratory work, without sufficient attention to the task of establishing safety in securing a therapeutic alliance (p. 172)… Therapy always involves juggling the survivor’s need to face what has happened and her need to feel safe. To tell is to feel unsafe. To remain silent is to be stuck and alone (p. 164).” Diane Langberg in Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Before engaging with the material in step two, please be sure you’ve firmly established the sense of safety that was the focus of step one. Significantly more so than any other seminar, thoroughly completing step one before starting step two is important when dealing with post-traumatic stress. Realize that God wants to see you made whole at a pace you can endure.

“The damages suffered may have been done in one or more terrible moments; the healing and restoration unfolds at a human pace. It unfolds at your pace. It unfolds as a part of your story, and it unfolds over time (p. 3).” David Powlison in Recovering from Child Abuse

In this chapter we will examine three subjects to help you acknowledge the history and realness of your trauma. These are arranged in an intentional chronological order; beginning with present symptoms and moving towards past events. The purpose of this order is to allow you to better put into words the experience of PTSD so that you can better invite support from others as you may experience an initial increase in symptoms as you work on this step.

Note: It is not advised that you work on this step in isolation. Having a support network, preferably both caring friends and an experienced counselor, is recommended.

1. PTSD Assessment – This will help you understand the different types of common responses to trauma. It is meant to help you feel less “crazy” when you have experiences that might otherwise cause you to question your mental-emotional state. Remember, the symptoms of PTSD are a normal response to an abnormal circumstance.
2. PTSD Daily Symptom Chart – This will help you monitor your experience of PTSD as you work through these materials. When you see spikes in your post-traumatic symptoms, take a break from the study. Allow your emotions to settle and re-establish your sense of safety (step one material) before resuming.
3. Key Questions – In this section we will examine four questions: (a) To whom is it beneficial for me to acknowledge what happened? (b) In what level of detail do these acknowledgements need to occur? (c) When is it beneficial to begin this process; how do I know if I’m ready? (d) What benefits can I expect from this step?

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Thank you for the courage represented in your willingness to engage this material. After a trauma any act of recovery, which involves memory, can be very frightening. While you may not feel courageous, it is important to remember – courage is not the absence of fear, but facing your fears wisely. This material is designed to help you do that.

“Often it is necessary… to reframe accepting help as an act of courage. Acknowledging the reality of one's condition and taking steps to change it become signs of strength, not weakness; initiative, not passivity. Taking action to foster recovery, far from granting victory to the abuser, empowers the survivor (p. 159).” Judith Hermann in Trauma and Recovery

For the moment, we will simply define trauma as an event that is more than we are prepared to handle at the time we experience it; resulting in prolonged emotional, relational, and spiritual disruption. This event might be exposure to war conditions, abuse, natural disasters, or comparable events. In the next chapter we will provide a more robust definition of trauma based on the symptoms it produces.

Take your time going through this material and take as many breaks as necessary. You were not in control during your experience of trauma. You are in control during the recovery process. Here are several suggestions for how to use this material.

• Read only in small bits and stop when you have had enough. This allows you to reinforce the idea that you have voice and control in the process of recovery.
• Write down your thoughts as you read. This allows you to relax and not mentally rehearse insights you gain from the study.
• Do not read at night. Do all that you can to protect your sleep patterns while going through this study.

Where Are We Going?

One goal of this study will be to minimize surprises. You have had enough experiences that were unpredictable; the unknown understandably feels unsafe. The nine steps of this material can be thought of as representing three stages of recovery.

“Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety. The central task of the second stage is remembrance and mourning. The central task of the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life. Like any abstract concept, the stages of recovery are a convenient fiction, not to be taken too literally. They are an attempt to impose simplicity and order on a process that is inherently turbulent and complex (p. 155).” Judith Hermann in Trauma and Recovery

Stage One: Establish Safety (Steps 1-3)

1.    PREPARE yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to face your suffering. In this step, we want you to understand the journey of facing your suffering and place yourself in the best position to complete the journey well.

2.    ACKNOWLEDGE the specific history and realness of my suffering. In this step, we want you to learn to feel safe while remembering the events you experienced.

3.    UNDERSTAND the impact of my suffering. In this step, we want you to grasp (a) why past trauma can have so many present effects, and (b) the factors that contribute to the impact of the specific trauma you experienced.

Stage Two: Disempower the Memory (Steps 4-6)

4.    LEARN MY SUFFERING STORY which I use to make sense of my experience. In this step, we want you to identify the false, destructive messages you attached to your trauma that give it greater impact in your life.

5.    MOURN the wrongness of what happened and receive God’s comfort. In this step, we want you to grieve the wrongness of your trauma in a way that emotionally distances you from the destructive messages of step four.

6.    LEARN MY GOSPEL STORY by which God gives meaning to my experience. In this step, we want you to experience God’s presence and care even when you remember the harshness of your trauma.

Stage Three: Re-Connect with Life and Relationships (Steps 7-9)

7.    IDENTIFY GOALS that allow me to combat the impact of my suffering. In this step, we want you to select strategies that will reclaim areas of life that have been dominated by or neglected because of your trauma.

8.    PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me. In this step, we want you to identify those life practices that are most essential for you sustaining the growth that will have been established at this point.

9.    STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory. In this step, we want to ensure you realize that God wants to see you flourish as you fulfill all the purposes for which he created you.

“But life is not this neat…?!?” You are right. Memories come before we can establish a sense of safety. We must engage life and relationships before we are able to disempower memories. This was already happening before you had a plan. This outline should help you better understand why things are harder than they should be until you get to that point in your journey.

“I don’t think I can do all of this!?!” Don’t get overwhelmed. Just because you’ve seen the map doesn’t mean you need to take the whole journey. The map is meant to reduce surprises; not create pressure. Right now you are still preparing for the journey.

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