Media Savvy Moms

We’re parenting in a porn-saturated world. So, how do we avoid the paralyzing fear that sometimes comes with protecting our kids? How do we know what we can and can’t control? Let’s BE IN THE NOW and figure it out together!

 

“Mindfulness” is a big buzzword these days. And it’s no wonder. Our lives are jam-packed with To-Do lists, social media, jobs, family responsibilities, stress, goals, lunch dates, financial worries, planning for the future, doctor’s appointments, Siri and Alexa ... And—oh yeah—pornography! 

 

Does it ever feel like a thousand voices are screaming at you at the same time, all the time? 

 

This is life in our modern world. 

 

To counter all of this noise, we’ve begun seeking strategies to calm ourselves and listen to one thing at a time—to find peace, and “be in the now.” 

 

When it comes to parenting and pornography, this is an essential skill. It’s much too easy to look at the big picture, at the big bad porn industry threatening to swallow up our children, and to get overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear. 

 

So today, we’re giving you permission to stop. Take a breath. Let’s talk about what we can control and what we can’t. Let’s learn what it means to “be in the now” when it comes to porn and parenting.

Stop stressing about the future 

Anxiety stems from dwelling on the future and worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. (Things we can’t control.)

 

We don’t need to waste time and energy living in the future. That’s why we want to “be in the now!”

 

As parents, we may experience anxiety because we worry: 

• What if my child is exposed to pornography?
• What if my child has already seen pornography?
• What if I’m scared to talk to my kids about pornography?
• How will exposure to pornography affect their future?

 

A little concern about dangerous things (like pornography) can be good, because it keeps us (and our children) alert, aware, and safe. But too much can paralyze us and make us too afraid to act.

 

Melody’s mom always said, “Worry is like a rocking chair. You expend so much time and energy rocking and rocking. But in the end you haven’t gone anywhere.”

 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

 

We can help eliminate anxiety/excessive fear when we are talking to our kids about pornography by:

• Starting wherever we are and going from there (Ep. #1.2, Rattlesnakes, Ep. #1.1, Get Off the Fence)
• Giving our kids a safe place (Ep. #1.4, Construction Site)
• Understanding that we can always have a “do-over” if we make a mistake when we’re talking to our kids (Ep. #1.18, I Panicked)

 

Related: Ep. #1.18, I Panicked When My Child Confided in Me About Porn, Now What?

Stop dwelling on the past 

Depression stems from dwelling on the past and worrying about things that have already happened. (Things we can’t change.)

 

We’ve mentioned this before, but … in addiction recovery we have an analogy: If you get a flat tire, you don’t throw away the whole car. You fix the flat and keep moving forward.  

 

Let’s stop for a minute and talk about the difference between guilt and shame. These are NOT the same thing.

• Guilt = I made a mistake (externalize, fixable)
• Shame = I am a mistake (internalize, permanent, unfixable)

Guilt can actually be a good thing, if we focus it in the right direction. It’s okay to feel sorry when we’ve done something wrong. That makes us want to make changes and do better in the future. But shame and depression happen when we get stuck in a spiral, dwelling on the past and beating ourselves up for mistakes we have made.

 

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ― Brene Brown 

 

We can help eliminate shame and depression when we are dealing with porn exposure in our families by: 

• Showing love, patience, and forgiveness with each other and ourselves
• Avoiding perfectionism—just doing our best
• Reinforcing that safe place! (Ep. #1.4, Construction Site)
• Focusing on self-care, for ourselves and our children (Ep. #1.3, Oxygen Mask)

 

Related: Ep. #1. My Child Saw Porn, Now What? A S.M.A.R.T. Plan for Parents

Be in the now

As we mentioned, “mindfulness” is a popular term these days. It’s not just for yoga and meditation anymore (although these are great practices that we highly recommend!). There are books and courses and coaches out there to help us practice mindfulness in the corporate world, in the classroom, in our homes, and even for kids.

 

Here is some practical advice we can apply specifically to parenting. Listen to the podcast for more details on these strategies! 

• Find meditative practices, mantras (or even Yoga) to help you focus and relax. This is healthy for the body and mind, but also a parenting strategy too!
• “Soften.” In parenting we’re working hard. We might even be tensing shoulders or sending off other stressful physical cues. Take note of these habits. Breathe. Soften.
• Learn to help your kids without losing yourself. Our kids are important, but self-care is important too! 
• Focus on what you can control
• • Focus on what your kids enjoy
  • Let kids be kids

I hear a lot about human trafficking in the news. Of course I’m concerned. But what do I do about it? Does it really affect me … or my children? 

What if your daughter (or son) was being trafficked right under your nose? While she was still living close to home and seeing you several times a week? And you had no idea it was happening? Does this seem unrealistic? In fact, that’s precisely what happened to our guest. 

A mother’s story about human trafficking

We’re talking with Lynda Harlos, a mother who was caught in a nightmare. Her daughter was being trafficked for sex—without even realizing it. Now Lynda and her daughter, Samantha, are doing everything they can to educate others about this growing crisis.

Human trafficking isn’t something that just happens overseas. It doesn’t just happen to other people. It’s happening right here in our own communities. And it can happen to any family. 

Often, when we hear about BIG issues like human trafficking we don’t know where to start or how to respond. What are the signs to look for? Can we protect our kids? Listen to a mom who has gone through it. She’s got the experience and practical advice to help us talk to our children. As parents, we are always the first line of defense. With knowledge we can make a difference. 

Boyfriend turned trafficker

[1:45] In our society, we learn about stereotypes associated with human trafficking and what it looks like, but those stereotypes are not always true!

[3:30] Did you know it is possible for a child to get into a human trafficking situation without realizing they are being trafficked? Traffickers are patient, sly, and manipulative. The grooming process can be incredibly subtle.  

[4:45] Learn how traffickers use traumatic experiences and shame to groom their victims and alienate them from friends and family, then sweep in as the “good guy” to “save” them and make their dreams come true. 

[7:44] It’s so important that we are aware of these nasty tricks so that we know how to fight back if our kids are being victimized. Love, love, love. Not shame! Lynda’s family didn’t give up. They kept reaching out to Samantha. They let her know she wasn’t alone. And that’s what eventually saved her.

Signs of domestic sex trafficking

[8:05] Would you be able to recognize the signs if you were face-to-face with a trafficker? Listen to what Lynda had to say about her interactions with the man who trafficked her daughter. 

[10:33] Where is Samantha now? Learn how Lynda’s resilient daughter has moved on with her life after this tragedy and made it her mission to help educate others so that it doesn’t happen to them.

[11:27] We wondered how Samantha escaped from her trafficker. But her mother told us that she really didn’t even realize she was being trafficked until several years after she got away. In her mind, she had just “dropped her morals” and she always believed it was her fault. Think about that for a minute. And consider what that means. If we are trying to help someone who is being trafficked, they might not even realize they need help.

“Our relationship was her lifeline”

[12:45] Our relationships with our kids can be a lifeline. Sometimes just a few words from a parent can change a child’s life. Find out how a small moment with Samantha’s father changed her direction in the midst of her journey with human trafficking. 

[14:50] Listen for great tips to help parents protect kids from human trafficking! Here are a few:

• Provide a lifeline that allows your kids to come back to you no matter what.
• Remember that it’s not just girls that are in danger—boys can be trafficked too!
• Watch out for specific red flags that might indicate your child is being trafficked.

[19:00] Do you know the warning signs of an abusive relationship? And when does abuse become trafficking? We need to teach our children to watch out for these signs.

[20:05] Be aware that victims of trafficking have been coerced, manipulated, and programmed with a lot of fear. They’ve been brainwashed to distrust those who truly love them. It can take a great deal of patience to break through to them and get them to talk. But … it’s a lot more likely they will return to family if there was a strong relationship to begin with. Start by establishing open communication right now!

[21:55] There are a growing number of resources available to help victims of human trafficking. Many kids in trouble aren’t ready to go to family. But we can still help them find the resources they need. Our job is to create a safety net in any way we can. Some kids feel better talking to a complete stranger. The main goal is to get the kids at risk the help they need. (See our Links and Resources below.)

Episode challenge

Tell your children you love them. But don’t just say “I love you.” Make sure they know that you love them unconditionally. Tell them “I love you—no matter what!”

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More about today’s guest

Links/Resources:

Hey parents! Do you know what Pornhub is? Chances are, your kids know enough about it to carry on a conversation around the lunch table at school. Are you prepared to fight back against this multi-million-dollar monstrosity?

We’ve recently had an epiphany—a lightbulb moment if you will. Since we fight porn every day, we took it for granted that everyone knows what Pornhub is, but apparently that’s not the case! (See story below.) Well … you can’t stop an enemy if you don’t know it exists. So today we’re giving you the parent’s definitive guide to Pornhub. 

Can’t fight what you don’t know

A few weeks ago Marilyn was in a women's meeting. The ladies were talking generally about choices, and then they started discussing how you might respond if you see a threat creeping in on someone or something you love. The first thing is to decide between doing something or nothing, right? 

She had an example to share, so she spoke up: 

My heart was bursting, because a friend of mine had told me the day before how she had immediately acted on what she perceived as a threat to her whole community. Recently, a couple local radio hosts in our area had been promoting Pornhub on their show—a kind of joke, or a publicity stunt. I wrote about one such incident on our blog [add link]. 

Well, when my friend heard this happen on a separate occasion she immediately pulled over (she was driving at the time) and wrote detailed notes on her phone about what she had heard on the radio. Then as soon as she got home, she emailed the radio host and lodged a formal complaint with the broadcasting standards council. Yes!!! Citizens in Action! (That’s what we love to see! Just like we were talking about in our episode with Melissa Blair, Campaign for a Porn-free Childhood.)

I thought my women friends  would be stoked. To be honest, they all looked kind of underwhelmed. That was, until one of them blurted out. “What’s Pornhub?” (Bless her heart for asking!)

I was stunned. I had assumed everyone knew about Pornhub—even the blue-hairs in our group. As Forbes magazine points out: 

[QUOTE]“With page stat numbers in the billions, it's hard to imagine that there are people on this planet somehow not viewing or uploading content to Pornhub.

I looked around and I saw many women (younger and older), with the same confused look, waiting for my response. To be clear, they all know pornography is accessable on the web. They just had no idea that it was operating as an efficient above-ground industry.

Related Content: Radio Station Promotes Pornography: 3 Easy Ways to Take Action

Maybe you already know a bit about how the porn industry operates online. Maybe this is news to you. No matter what knowledge-base you’re starting at, this episode has take-aways for every person concerned with protecting kids from internet pornography.

Don’t forget to subscribe to Media Savvy Moms on your favourite podcasting platform!

What is Pornhub?

[4:20] Pornhub is the largest pornographic video-sharing platform in the world. Oh, and it’s free! Think YouTube, except exclusively for hardcore pornography. 

[6:15] Learn about MindGeek, the sneaky Montreal based company that is monopolizing the online porn industry. However, if you visit their corporate website, you’d have no idea what they actually do.

[7:55] Having trouble believing porn is such a big industry? Here are some statistics from Forbes magazine. Pornhub is very proud and very public about their numbers. Remember, this is just one website. In 2019, they boasted...

• 42 billion visits to Pornhub
• 115 million visitors a day
• 6.8 million videos were uploaded 
• 1.36 million hours of new content (=169 years) 
• 98,000 new models (as in, amature porn stars ... these are human beings) 

[10:10] Learn about Pornhub’s mission to normalize porn consumption through methods like academic scholarships, attempts to sponsor sports teams, and--of course--advertising. (Did you hear about the outrageous Pornhub billboard on Times Square?) In the end, it’s all about the money.

How is Pornhub targeting our kids?

[13:30] Have you witnessed the cuteness overload that is “Baby Yoda” from the hit series Mandalorian? Learn how the Pornhub logo became associated with this tiny tot in a viral meme that normalizes porn use by our children.  

[18:45] Gail Dines from Culture Reframed always says “follow the breadcrumb trail of an average 11-year old” to find out what is available to our children online. Remember, there is no age gate on Pornhub. Unfortunately, if our kids aren’t accessing this site, then their friends at school probably are. That is why we need to have open conversations with our kids!

[19:35] How many clicks do you think it takes for a teen to get from SnapChat to Pornhub? Protect Young Eyes tried this experiment with a test phone and posted the results. Listen to find out what they learned.

Related Content: Want to protect your kids while they’re using their devices? Click here to get a FREE 30-day trial of the Bark App, or download Bark at the app store and apply the code MEDIASAVVY at checkout.

[21:00] When we looked at the statistics, most people (83%) were accessing Pornhub on mobile devices. But do you know what device is overlooked as an access portal  when it comes to KIDS and porn in the home? It’s actually gaming consoles. 

Related content: Tech for the Holidays with Sarah Siegand.

And the stats for Pornhub back this up, too: 

“It should be noted that users were accessing Pornhub and watching porn on their game consoles as well. Sony Playstation led the pack with 51.5% of game console traffic … Xbox traffic accounted for 34.7%.” (Forbes)

How can we fight back?

[23:15] Tune in for some practical tips that you can apply in your own home! 

[26:25] Okay, we’ll give you one spoiler. Many of the solutions to this problem go back to basics, like creating a safe place to talk about ANYTHING with our kids. (Remember our

How can we work WITH our kids to help create healthy tech boundaries? 

 

Today’s special guest is a mom and a screen time expert who has some practical tools to help us collaborate as a family. 

 

Andrea Davis and her husband, Tyler, live in beautiful Hood River, Oregon. They are the parents of five children: four girls and one boy. Andrea is a former teacher, an outdoor enthusiast, and has been a stay-at-home for almost 15 years. She and Tyler co-created the website, Better Screen Time, where they share positive strategies for screens and technology so parents can worry less and connect more with their kids.

 

Highlights from this episode:

-When you’re considering how much screen time is appropriate, look around. Take an assessment of what really matters. It’s the relationships and connections we have with family. -Keep an eye on what’s important. Worry less and connect more. 

-Pay attention to “stopping cues” when you are on your screens. Consider boundaries for health. 

-How do you want to fill the white space in your life? Hopefully with nourishing relationships rather than technology.

-Develop a relationship with kids so that they come to YOU when they are curious about something or have questions. Don’t let the search engine be the default.  

-Be proactive when talking to your kids about sex and intimacy. 

-Consider the emotional response we have with tech. Try not to use it as a pacifier for ourselves or our children. Consider other healthier alternatives that will help us develop coping skills.

-Develop practical interactive ways to get your kids to build their own tech safety solutions. Getting them involved helps them understand the “why.”

-When you are setting or enforcing boundaries, you might get push-back from your kids--and that’s OK! 

 

Challenge: Download the FREE Quick Guide to Creating a Family-Tech Plan and go over it with your family.

 

Links/Resources:

Too Much Screen Time? (MSM Podcast) 

 

“Am I Ready for a Personal Device” Self-Evaluation for Teens (Better Screen Time)

 

Creating a Tech-Healthy Family Online Course (Better Screen Time)

 

Quick Guide to Creating a Family-Tech Plan (Better Screen Time)