Blended Families

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Marriage Matters

Guests:                      Steve and Misty Arterburn and Ron Deal             

From the series:       Blended Family Tips 

Bob: Children who have experienced the loss of a parent, either because of death or divorce, have experienced some level of trauma as a result of that loss. Steve Arterburn says if those kids become a part of a new blended family, they don’t need a new stepdad to be a drill sergeant. 

Steve: I know all these guys that come in: “These—look, these kids will respect me. I will discipline them. They will obey me.” It’s so much more about trying to build a bond and a connection in the midst of horror that they’ve gone through than getting something from them that they should never have to give, reluctantly. 

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, April 6th. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I’m Bob Lepine. If you’re in a blended family, have you thought strategically about what your stepchildren need from you? We’re going to spend time talking about that today with our guests, Steve and Misty Arterburn, and with Ron Deal. 

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Stay tuned. 

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. We’re talking about one of those challenging areas in life when a couple starts a new marriage, where both of them have been previously married and they bring children into that relationship. That, for a lot of couples, is an unexpected kind of a blindside: “Oh, I didn’t know this was…” “Oh, I didn’t…” “Oh, oh….” You know, it kind of—

Dennis: I do. 

Bob: —it’s a wakeup call for a lot of couples. 

Dennis: It really is; and joining us in the studio today to give us a perspective about that is Ron Deal. His perspective counts, because he has been in this area for over three decades; right, Ron? 

Ron: Am I that old? [Laughter] 

Bob: Sorry to break it to you, but yes. [Laughter]

Ron: I guess so. 

Dennis: Ron heads up FamilyLife Blended®. He’s also joined by Steve and Misty Arterburn, all the way from Indiana. 

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Thanks for coming down and visiting us. 

Steve: Great to be here. 

Dennis: Glad to have you. 

Steve: Thank you. 

Misty: Thank you. 

Bob: Any radio listeners, who think, “Is this New Life Live!?”—no; it’s FamilyLife Today—at least for the next 30 minutes, and then we might get to New Life Live! later on today; okay? 

Steve: Thank you. 

Bob: Yes. 

Dennis: Steve is a pastor at Northview in Carmel, Indiana. 

Steve: That’s right. 

Dennis: Great ministry at church that has—how many people attending every Sunday? 

Steve: I think around 10,000 and 3 campuses are in prisons. We just love ministering to those prisoners. 

Bob: That’s great. 

 Dennis: That’s great. You and Misty have authored several books together. 

We want to talk about what Bob was mentioning at the outset about how blended families function, especially, around parenting. 

Bob: Yes; it is one thing for a couple, who have met, following—both of you were involved in a divorce / you were both sinned against. Your church got involved—

Steve: Yes.

Bob: —and helped you in the process of all of this. You met a while after you’d had the divorce. You dated for a period of time. 

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 Steve: Right. 

Bob: You fell in love—you said, “We’re going to get married.” You had two kids. Steve, you had a daughter. As you thought about remarriage, were you anticipating this could get tricky with kids? 

Steve: We didn’t think it would be tricky. We knew that, if it wasn’t done well and right / if we didn’t prepare before the marriage, it was just going to end up—it had a good chance that the kids would cause another divorce—or the way we were handling those. 

I was very impressed with her mothering. I just—it was—I was blown away by the way she mothered. She had these little boys. By the time they were seven, they’d gone through The Chronicles of Narnia, and the whole Bible, and all this stuff. They had a foundation. I was just thrilled that that was the kind of mothering she had done in the wake of divorce. 

Bob: Were you worried, Misty, about the blending of families and being parents together? 

Misty: I was terrified. 

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I was terrified. I just don’t take it lightly. Those are my boys, and their well-being was the highest aim. I was trying to make sure that I was healthy and that they could be healthy, and I didn’t want to risk. So, we were—

Dennis: That’s what I wanted to ask you: “Was it hard to trust again?” 

Misty: Yes; very, very hard. You go through a train wreck like that, and there’s debris and carnage. You don’t want to experience that again. It was very sobering to go through that; and I tried to keep my eyes very wide open, walking into a new relationship. 

Dennis: And you wanted to protect your kids because they trusted too; huh? 

Steve: Well, my daughter was kind of everything to me at that point. I was not going to expose her to somebody that would love her for a little while and then we’d break up and it would be over. It was a long time before we got the kids together; but I felt like, if she could mother those boys the way she did, she could sure be a great bonus mother to my daughter.

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Ron: Now, we’re going to talk about parenting and step-parenting here in a minute; but to set that up, we have to continue with what you guys have just talked about. To be able to trust one another, as husband and wife—when you’re also holding so tightly to your children and then trying to figure out “How do I merge my heart with another adult and with their kids?”—there is a lot of stuff in that to consider. At the end of the day, if that marital merger doesn’t go well, there’s no way your parenting merger can go well. Talk to us around that journey for you. 

Misty: Well, it’s a lot of plates spinning all at once. It’s not linear—it’d be great if we could just address one thing at a time, but there are so many things happening at any given moment. 

I just try to take one day at a time—just keep it simple / just do the next right thing. Eventually, all those pieces unfold; and you get presented with the next challenge—

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—just a constant state of surrender to God and His ultimate will—and not grasping onto what I think I want and trying to force my life into a certain container so that it will look the way I want—but truly surrendering—to let it unfold over time, and slow down, and the answers come. 

Steve: I knew something, as a single man; and I forgot it after we got married. If I didn’t have sex with her—if I wanted her to trust me more than I wanted her to have sex with me, as a single, she would trust me after we got married. 

Now, after we got married, I didn’t stick with that. I would—I’d make the goal: “Hey, let’s be intimate together!” It has been a glaring lesson that, even in marriage, the goal is: “Wait, it’s not to be sexually intimate; it is to build that trust so that she wants to be intimate.” 

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It began in dating and, I think—well, I mean, she said to me many times what that meant to her—that I didn’t want to take from her. 

Ron: Now, I know why you guys were attracted to each other; because there is so much character in what you just said. There is so much self-discipline in that—the surrendering to God—not organizing your life and making it work the way you wanted it to restore some fantasy that was lost from the previous relationship or whatever. No, no, no; you took it a day at a time. You listened to God; you made Him the priority; you made choices about purity on behalf of your relationship with God—that’s how you begin to nurture and find clarity. 

Bob: Okay; let me jump into year one of the marriage. 

Steve: Yes. 

Bob: Alright; it’s now Steve and Misty Arterburn and their three kids. 

Steve: Right. 

Bob: How did that go? 

Misty: All hell broke loose. [Laughter] 

Ron: We’ve heard that before on this program. You’re not the only

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Step-Grandparenting

Guest:                         Ron Deal                   

From the series:       Step-Grandparenting 

Bob: When two families merge—when they blend—and now there are stepchildren and stepsiblings—one of the forgotten parts of this equation often, is the new step-grandparents. Here is Ron Deal. 

Ron: Sometimes, when somebody else made a choice—and all of the sudden, you’ve got not just one, but maybe you’ve got five step-grandchildren—what if you had a bunch—what if you already thrown yourself relationship with your biological grandchildren, now you’ve got five more? It’s like—“How do I fit all of this in? How do we do the finances?” I’m just saying—I’ve seen and been involved in situations where the step-grandparents just aren’t terribly excited about this. That can be a disappointment to their adult child. 

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, July 30th. Our host is Dennis Rainey, I’m Bob Lepine. Step-grandparenting can be tricky. We have some thoughts today from Ron Deal—

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—on how to make it work more effectively. Stay with us. 

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. There was a conference back last fall for grandparents. We had some friends who put this together. We helped promote this event—a national conference of grandparenting. 

Dennis: The Legacy Conference. 

Bob: That’s right. One of the speakers at the conference was Ron Deal who joins us in studio today and is the leader of FamilyLife Blended®. Ron, welcome back to FamilyLife Today. 

Ron: Thank you. 

Bob: You got invited to come and speak at this conference about step-grandparenting which, Dennis, I don’t know if I ever even stopped to think about that subject—but that’s an issue that a lot of families that all of the sudden find themselves in with very little preparation and very little coaching. 

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Dennis: I would say most grandparents feel overlooked when it comes to blending a family together; and I can’t imagine what it would be like—to feel like—in some regards, you may be an outsider—

Ron: Yes. 

Dennis: —to get back in with grandkids that—at one point—you were their heros. You’re hearing a lot about this subject as you speak around the country. 

Ron: I am, Dennis. Bob, in preparation for that Legacy Conference, I did some homework. I do this every single day, but I was a little shocked to discover that 40-percent of families in the U.S. have a step-grandparent—40-percent! By the way, that’s stat is 20 years old—it’s old. 

Dennis: So, it’s likely higher. 

Ron: It’s likely much higher. The other thing that I found was that the prediction that demographers have is that by year 2030 in the U.S.—there will be one step-grandchild for every 1.7 biological grandchildren—less than 2 to 1 ratio. It is a very common experience. It’s going to continue to be—

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—a common experience—and of course, it touches all three of the generations. 

Bob: Not just all three generations, but I’m thinking about all of the different permutations of what makes a stepfamily—and then how that expands to the grandparenting. So, if our son and daughter-in-law get a divorce, and now she is the custodial parent, where do we fit into that; right? 

Ron: Exactly. 

Bob: If there’s an estrangement between our son and this daughter-in-law, we may be cut out of the picture—

Ron: Right. 

Bob: —with our grandkids. 

Ron: What that means is that, at Christmastime, when you want time with your grandkids, there’s probably four or five or six other sets of grandparents who, also want time with the grandkids. So, all of the sudden, life just got really complicated fast. 

Bob: Then, I’m thinking about the other situation which is where our son or our daughter marries somebody who has been previously married and brings grandkids in, and we didn’t just become new in-laws—we became new step-grandparents—and it happened in an instant. 

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So, instead of watching these kids be born, we’re now step-grandparents to a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old that we haven’t ever known before. 

Ron: What if you have some real mixed feelings about that new relationship? By the way, this is one of the things we are hearing from people: “Hey, I have step-grandchildren. By the way, I also have some biological grandchildren. I’ve known them their whole lives, and they’ve known us—we have traditions and time together and all sorts of things. Now, I’m trying to figure out: “What do I do, and how do I find time for the step-grandchildren? But that relationship came about because my child”—let’s say—"made some really poor decisions; and we have mixed feelings about those decisions.” 

“Now, those decisions have resulted in them getting married and having stepchildren—that gives us step-grandchildren—we never really wanted this. It kind of feels like if we jump in as step-grandparents and throw ourselves into those relationships, that somehow, we’re saying what my son or daughter did is okay.” 

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“We don’t feel like it’s okay. We’re kind of stuck between, not wanting to give approval—but at the same time—the grandchildren shouldn’t be the ones that suffer.” 

That’s the kind of difficulties that grandparents are finding themselves in—trying to wade through these waters and figure out what to do. 

Dennis: You outline three different kinds of step-grandparents. There are step-grandparents who step into the life of a child and actually, are in a long-term relationship helping to raise that child to maturity. 

Ron: Right. They’ve been in a long-term—we call them long-term step-grandparents, meaning maybe, they were a stepparent at a younger age; and they raised a stepchild, and that stepchild is now an adult, now married, now has children of their own. Technically, those are step-grandchildren to the grandparent; right? But you’ve been in their life since day-one. 

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That long-term step-grandparent, probably, has more of a relationship with their step-grandchildren like a biological grandparent would have with their biological grandchildren. It just feels more natural and more connected because of the length of the relationship. 

Bob: Of course, all of this depends on the kind of relationship that the stepchild has with the stepparent because that’s step-grandparenting is all incumbent on—“Are we still friends”—

Ron: That’s right. 

Bob: —“with this child that we helped raise?” 

Ron: Let’s just kind of walk through the possibilities. On the one hand, let’s say you have a great relationship with your stepchild who, now, becomes a parent. You have step-grandchildren. Odds are you’re Grandma—end of story. That’s going to be a wonderful, easy ride. 

Maybe you have—on the other end of the continuum—a really awkward, difficult relationship with your stepchild who, now, has children. It can go one of two ways. What I see a lot is that all of the sudden, the step-grandchildren create an opportunity for connection. 

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They don’t know you as anything different—they feel like you’re Grandma to them or Grandpa to them. All of the sudden, it helps your relationship with your adult stepchild. They watch you be grandmother to their kids. 

Dennis: By the way, if you want to win a parent’s heart—

Ron: There you go. 

Bob: Yes.

Dennis: —bless their child. 

Ron: That’s it. 

Dennis: I mean find ways to build into their lives. I’m not talking about spoiling them with gifts. I’m talking about finding a way to encourage them, build them up, speak truth into their lives, and be an asset to them. 

Ron: I hear from a lot of long-term step-grandparents who say, “You know what? My salvation with my stepchild was the grandkids. That was the backdoor that improved my relationship with them.” I say, “Amen! Hallelujah! Whatever it takes.” Pour into that grandchild, and all of the sudden, their parent is more appreciative of you than they’ve been before. 

Dennis: What would you say to the person who is listening to our broadcast right now that would go—“That’s me. I’m in that situation.” How can they take advantage of it? 

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Ron: You know it’s the heart attitude of inclusion—and connectedness is always a good, positive thing. I mean, extending yourself in love generally works on your behalf—wouldn’t we assume that as believers; right? 

Den

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat

Guest:                         Ron Deal                               

From the series:       Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat 

Bob: In a single parent family, it’s not uncommon for a child to sit in the passenger seat while mom or dad are driving. When mom or dad get remarried, and now there’s someone new in the family, that child may not like the idea that their seat in the car has been taken over. Ron Deal says we need to be aware of that and help those kids adjust to the new normal.

Ron: Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What’s going on for a kid? Well, sometimes they just want to ride in the front and they want what they want, but also there is: “I’ve been through some really rough stuff. I’ve lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,”—a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce—“I don’t want to go through another one of those things.”  They are hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they’ve seen it happen already in their home.

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Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, August 27th. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We’re going to talk today about strategies to help step-parents help their children adjust to the new normal of a stepfamily. Stay with us.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. One of the key principles that we try to drive home in FamilyLife’s Art of Parenting™ video series, and something that you and Barbara wrote about in your book, The Art of Parenting, is that, in a family, the marriage relationship has got to be the priority relationship. For the sake of the kids— 

Dennis: Right.

Bob: —it’s got to be the priority relationship. That’s true in an intact family. That has some unique challenges that come along with it if you’re dealing with a blended family.

Dennis: Yes. One of the biggest arguments we used to have with our kids, on our way to school, was who sat in the front seat—[Laughter]—

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—who got the front seat with daddy. You know, when mom is in the car with me—

Ron: Is there any debate at that point?

Dennis: —there is—there was never a debate; because they knew that next to daddy’s heart was mama. [Laughter]

Bob: And by the way, that is our friend, Ron Deal, who joins us today on FamilyLife Today. Ron gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended® and appears here, from time to time, when we’re talking about blended family relationships. Glad to have you here.

Ron: Thank you.

Dennis: And it’s different in blended families.

Bob: Yes.

Ron: Think about your scenario—when mom gets in the car, there’s no question—mom’s in the front seat; everybody knows it. Now, one of your kids may go, “Ah, it’s my turn; but okay, I kind of understand mom rightly belongs in the front seat.”

Dennis: There is no discussion!

Ron: There’s no discussion; there’s no debate. 

But what if the storyline had been—they take their turns riding in the front seat, and there is no mother in the picture; you’re a single dad. The kids ride in the front; everybody has their turn—they belong there. 

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Then you go and marry somebody, and now it’s her that rides in the front seat. How do your kids react to that?

Bob: What had been their territory/their spot—they’ve just been displaced. We may think, “Well, that’s not a big deal”; but that represents something. I mean, we’re using it as a big deal about where mom sits in the car. This represents something about the order of the family that can be very threatening to stepkids.

Ron: I have to say—one of our most popular articles on FamilyLife.com, in the blended family section, is an article that is exactly about riding in the front seat. In fact, it’s called “Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat.” I write about this, at length, in two of my books: The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage. Why?—because we have learned this is such a critical dynamic to get right for your blended family to do well.

Bob: Ron, I was just recently at a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway, talking to a couple in crisis. They weren’t sure they could make their marriage work—blended situation. 

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She brought kids into the marriage; he didn’t have any kids from any previous relationships. We were having this conversation.

I said to her: “I understand that you feel guilt and shame. You feel responsible for the loss you’re kids have experienced. You want to do anything you can to try to make sure you’re making up for what you brought into your children’s lives. So, at times, you prioritize them ahead of your husband just because, emotionally, you’re thinking, ‘I’ve put them through so much. I’ve got to sacrifice him for their sake.’” 

That’s the impulse a parent feels. Explain why that’s a wrong impulse—not a wrong impulse—but why giving into it is a wrong response.

Ron: That’s a very well-worded question, and it’s important to the answer. The impulse is understandable. 

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Of course, you’re concerned about your children—as I would say to this woman: “Your mom heart is very deeply concerned about their well-being. They have been through a lot. You do see the pain in their eyes from the past. You don’t want to see more pain in the present, so you want to take care of them and diminish that; so that means putting them in the front seat and asking your husband to ride in the back seat, in which he feels, in that moment, like he’s in the trunk.”

That is a marital issue, immediately, for the new spouse. That’s why you can’t put him in the back seat, because you are risking the stability of your marriage. Even though your marriage followed the children, you still have to have it in the front seat, so to speak, in order for your relationship to lead the home. 

If you’re going to lead from a position of unity, this is both a parenting issue and a marriage issue all at the same moment. If you’re going to position the new stepdad, in this case, beside you so that you can lead together, then you have to put him in the front seat. 

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You have to say to your children: “I’m’ sorry. You’re going to have to go to the back.” You’re going to have to, then, deal with their being upset and them feeling like, “Oh, you mean you love him more than us?” You’re going to have to deal with that hard moment.

And by the way, how do you deal with that?—a lot of love, some big hugs, a little TLC: “Now, get in the back.” It’s a combination of “I get it. This is hard for you, but he’s my husband. Now, he’s going to ride in the front. I’m thinking about letting him drive, but one thing at a time.” [Laughter]

Dennis: I want to ask, at this point, if you treat this like Barbara and I did—which was, instead of going through the battle, at the moment, of who sits in the front seat, you have a family time—you just say: “Hey, you know what? This is a point of constant strife in our family, so here’s how it’s going to work.”

Ron: Yes; you can anticipate this in a blended family and go: “You know what? We’ve picked up on this—there’s some weeping and gnashing of teeth every time we have a front-seat moment in our home.”   

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What does that look like? “I consult my husband about parenting. I didn’t ever have to ask anyone else before. I was a single mom; I could do whatever I wanted. Now, I stop for a minute and I ask him.” The kids notice; and they go, “Wait a minute why are you asking him?” Well, this is a front-seat moment: “Well, I’m asking him, because he’s my husband; and I know things have changed.”

Dennis: And you want your kids to understand the loyalties are to the other parent. The marriage has to be a priority and that they need to feel secure in that commitment that you’re not going to run the show by yourself—

Ron: Yes; absolutely.

Dennis: —or let the kids hijack the car.

Ron: So you do some proactive: “Hey, we’re going to have a family meeting. Just want you guys to know that some things are going to change around here and this is why.” 

Let’s just pause a second and talk about language, because I learned a hard lesson. When I wrote the first edition of The Smart Stepfamily—it came out in 2002—and in that edition, I talked very directly about this matter. 

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But I made a mistake in how I worded a few things. I used language that implied t