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How to Have the Life You're Dreaming Of

6m · Living Emotionally Fit · 04 Mar 22:26

How do people turn what we say they want into what they actually get? 


Many articles, books, and workshops advise us to conduct one's self "as if." Behave as if you already have your dream job. Act as if you're successful—function from confidence.


If we support the theory behind our actions, it means that we behave in alignment with the intentions we desire, and we're more likely to achieve it.

 

Problems will arise when we don't want the life we think we want. For example, we may say that we want to find a loving partner, be at our ideal weight, or start our own business, but if we don't want the added responsibilities of behaving "as if," your effort will be a pointless exercise.


So what's the solution? 


Here are some ways I suggest you begin.


First, I recommend you begin slowly. When we decide to make a significant change in our lives, we often try to do too many things at once and find ourselves overwhelmed or discouraged. Your focus on one thing that'll get you closer to the "you" you'd like to become. 


Next, you'll need to face your resistance. Change is challenging for most of us. Give yourself a chance by being willing to address any underlying beliefs that might be getting in your way. 


Don'tyou'll just set goals, reflect on them several times throughout your day. Make a list of your life as you'd like it to be – a written representation is often a potent and tangible reminder of what a customized, ideal life looks like.


Start practicing it. Once you can see yourself living your desired lifestyle and living as that person, start making the choices that person would make. Decisions can either reinforce old beliefs or new ones. 


Make friends with people who are doing what you want to do. Role models are a great way to discover what works and avoid what doesn't. Ask better questions. Observe these individuals. Change. Grow. 


Self-care. Ask yourself, "How does the ideal version of myself express self-love to themselves ?" Then respond accordingly.


Modify your environment to align with your new reality. There's no better deterrent to change than a stagnant situation that encourages inactive behavior. So instead, contribute to a change in scenery. It can be the accelerator for a positive attitude and behavior change. 


Addictive habits die hard. It's convenient to become stuck with (or comforted by) old lifelong habits. When unproductive routines get in the way of change, the best way to shed them is to replace them with something new. 


Grow into it. Make choices in your professional and personal life as though you already have the growth you're dreaming of. That does not mean getting into debt, spending "as if "you have the million dollars you'd like to have. Instead, I suggest you begin by replacing a scarcity philosophy with one of abundance and well-being. 


Behaving "as if" does not mean change occurs overnight. Every day, we're all faced with choices that will continue to promote the life we have or propel us into the life we want. By choosing to step into some of the steps above, you'll be ready to make a decision that can help you realize your dreams sooner rather than later. 

The episode How to Have the Life You're Dreaming Of from the podcast Living Emotionally Fit has a duration of 6:15. It was first published 04 Mar 22:26. The cover art and the content belong to their respective owners.

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The Impact and Cost of Bullying

Lower Productivity -

How it costs the victim. When bullied at work, it's difficult to stay on-task and do one's best work. Bullied individuals likely feel distracted, disheartened, and disempowered. The stress of the situation also may be having physical effects, such as difficulty sleeping, fatigue, digestive problems, headaches, or muscle pain.

For many of us, our work performance closely connects to our self-esteem. We want recognition of our work. If instead, we are ridiculed or bullied, our self-esteem and confidence decline.


Company Costs -

When employees are not working to their full potential because of bullying, they're not helping the organization achieve its goals, and may even undermine the goals they are paid to accomplish. When employees don't perform, there's no return on that investment.

How bullying costs the company -

When teams of employees aren't working well together because of unhealthy relationships and bullying, it may mean that:

• More employees will quit or call in sick.

• Innovation and creativity will be down because people don't feel safe enough to take risks or make suggestions.

• Work will be done inefficiently because team members aren't communicating clearly.

• Employees will take out their frustration and anger on customers.

• The company will have to pay litigation fees and damages to the victim of bullying.


Damaged Relationships -

In a worker's search for sympathy and support, they may turn to gossip or complaining, instead of more productive solutions. Furthermore, that can affect credibility, making it harder for the individual to find resolution or gain any support. Without realizing it, they could also be perpetuating a toxic workplace environment that will undoubtedly breed more bullying.

How to Spot Workplace Bullying -

Bullying is not always easy to spot; there may be a gradual build-up of subtle intimidation or undermining behaviors. Here are some examples to contemplate. Is someone at work continually:

• Criticized or berated in front of the team? Always made to be the scapegoat and inappropriately blamed for disappointing results?

• Assigned tasks in which they are set up to fail, such as things that aren't in their skill set or nearly impossible to complete in the time allotted?

• Threatened with physical violence or unwarranted pay cuts, firing, or disciplinary action?

• Purposefully isolated from the team, being left out of the loop, and not invited to meetings or events?


What to Do If You're Experiencing Workplace Bullying

Acknowledge the situation and take care of yourself -

Drs. Gary and Ruth Namie, authors of The Bully at Work, urge you to be honest about what's happening; don't minimize it. Also, consider taking some time away from work so that you can explore your options, and restore your physical and emotional health. Find an impartial source of support that doesn't have a connection with your company.

Confront your employer -

When you feel strong enough, confront your employer about what's been going on. Nothing will change if you don't. Dr. Namies recommends that when you're approaching your superiors, focus on the costs of the bully to the company. If you focus on the emotional impact on you, you're more likely to be discredited. Present the facts: what was said or done, and the effect on the company's bottom line.

Plan your exit strategy -

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Every time Grace, a loving single parent, took time for herself, she returned home with an awful sinking feeling. She didn’t understand why. “I had so much fun, and I'm proud of myself for making time for myself,” Grace thought to herself. Rather than expand from the joyous experience, or receive the delight and enthusiasm of her self-care, she contracted.

Grace’s contraction comes from the experience of shame, a poison that keeps us from experiencing our own joy and disconnects us from the aliveness within and around us. Whereas guilt is associated with a particular memory or situation and having done something wrong, the feeling of shame is about being wrong at our core. It is a debilitating feeling we have about ourselves that comes from a core belief that we are fundamentally flawed.

Sources of Shame
The poison that is the root of shame is absorbed in early childhood. As a result of not being seen and loved for who we are, we develop the belief that we are unlovable and that something is inherently wrong with us. Perhaps we were told outright that we were bad, stupid, or undeserving, or maybe we were physically abused, from which we concluded we had no value. The thing we may have done “wrong” might have been simply expressing our joyful authenticity. Like, Grace, we learned that it's not safe to be who we truly are in our experience of self—a sense of power comes from  “knowing” that it's because we are inadequate. If our perceived  "defectiveness" is causing the results we see, we believe there is always something we can do about it. We can do things “right.” Clinging to the belief that our inadequacy is the cause of other people’s behavior towards us prevents us from accepting our inherent helplessness over others’ feelings and actions. When we begin to understand that all people at all times are merely exercising their free will and it has nothing to do with us, healing can begin.

The Antidote
By taking specific steps toward healing, you can eradicate the poison of shame:

  • The first step is to identify your shame, to become aware of how it feels in your body.
  • Once you recognize the feeling, notice shame every time it arises and allow yourself to experience it fully; name it and feel it.
  • Be willing to express your authentic feelings—including your joy and sense of pure power. Reverse the shutting down effect shame causes
    by permitting yourself to fully “show up.”
  • Accept that other people’s feelings have nothing to do with you. With compassion, choose to no longer take their behavior personally.
  • Practice forgiveness—for those whose conduct led to you feeling
    shame, and for yourself.

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