MIMH - Musings in My Head cover logo

How does the loss of someone close affect people?

10m · MIMH - Musings in My Head · 11 Jul 16:23

“I prefer to live like a lion in the jungle than to stay like a dog in the city.” - Sound Sultan.

I was sad to hear about the passing of the legendary Sound Sultan this morning. He was one of my favorite artists. I listened to him a lot when growing up and his “Jungle Story” play is one of my favorite theatre plays of all time.

I dedicate today’s letter to his memory. He lived a life of expression and was never scared to use his talent & platform to tell stories he believed. May his life be an inspiration to us all.

A jo o da bi ile (No place like home). Stay Jiggy always.

* Want to receive notifications via WhatsApp when I send these letters out? Share your phone number here

* Got a musing you think I should explore in my letters? Share it with me here and I might just write about it.

My first memory of the death of someone close to me was around age 10/11. Mr FAGADE was husband to the headmistress of my primary school. My mum worked in the school and the family housed us for a few months after the Ife/Modakeke war drove us from our home and made us homeless for a short period.

He had white hair and I have good, though fuzzy, memories of him. I remember looking in his casket and not feeling much. I couldn't understand it and was more interested in the free puff-puff and snacks aplenty on that cloudy evening.

As the years went by, I was mostly shielded from the experience of losing someone really close to me. I lost a number of acquaintances, folks from the church community, a university classmate and more. In my experience though, you don't feel it as much until it comes close to home.

The first close person to me that I lost was Tosin Anifalaje who we lost in a car accident on his way to his NYSC posting in 2016. Tosin was a part of my group of friends from post-university life. For one year after I graduated from school, I lived with my brother and a couple of other friends in a house in Ife.

In our group of 10 friends, Tosin was the most eccentric of all. His humour, energy and cunning were unmatched. I was the last of our group to see him because he went to the park with my ATM card and I had to go meet him to get it back. When I heard about his passing, I cried for hours and miss him to this day.

Image credit

Despite how close Tosin was to me and other good people in my life that I've lost, coming to terms with death never came to me fully. I call it 'coming to terms with death' because as a society, we shelve all talks of death and there's a taboo that comes with discussing it. It almost feels as though we don't want to talk about it so it doesn't happen to us.

Everyone knows death is one of the few constant things in life. It will happen to all of us. I don't think we all live life with a full understanding of this though.

We're on this large planet. With close to 8 billion people. Hundreds of countries. Thousands of cultures. Millions of experiences.

Yet, we usually live very limited lives. And I'm not speaking from a standpoint of travelling and experiencing the world (people should def do this if they have the resources to do so). I'm speaking from the general standpoint of living life, going outside of the 'limitations' that society & our upbringing have placed on us, exploring our interests, being our true selves publicly, living a life of love and more.

It would be interesting to get data about how experiencing the loss of someone close changes people and their approach to life. I know that I for one will be included in that dataset if that research is ever done.

In the second week of October in 2020, my eldest brother decided on a whim that he was going to come to Lagos from Kebbi where he was based. He was around for one week. We played video games, went out and had fun as always. I remember putting his bag in the taxi as he left for the airport, hugging him and saying that we'll see in December for our usual end of the year turn up.

He passed on October 30 and left a hole in my heart. He was my big brother and had my back always especially in all the periods where I make bad decisions.

It was when I lost him that the deep feeling of losing someone finally hit me fully. It helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I became comfortable with the truth that death will happen to all of us.

Image credit

This might be a mental technique to reduce the hurt that'll come as I lose more people in my remaining years on earth. But it's also very useful. When you come to terms with the fact that our time here is limited, you begin to act like it more intentionally.

The loss helped me become more curious about our minute role in this factory called the human race which produces billions of people every century. People have lived before us and many more will come after us.

We can choose the role we want to play and contribute to an aspect of life that we align with. If we align with multiple aspects, we should explore as many of them as possible. We should be good to others regardless of their status and phase of life. Not only because it is a good thing to do but why should we do any different?

A question I ask myself nowadays is: If my life ended today, would I have lived the life I wanted to live?

Increasingly, the answer to this is nearing a yes. It is increasingly becoming my North Star and my daily muse: Am I living the life I want to live? Not from a materialistic standpoint but from an experience and fulfilment standpoint.

Image credit

I'm curious to know what the experience has been like for other people who have lost someone close. I know that losing someone often has different effects on people depending on the circumstances.

Some people lose parents and key people in their lives early on and this shapes their life. Some people lose their life partners earlier than they would have liked. Sometimes, the circumstances through which we lose people can hurt deeply, inflict trauma on us and change the course of lives.

It's so diverse and if you're open to sharing, I'll be happy to read your story. It's been less than a year since I lost Showki and its effect is still unravelling in my life.

What effect has losing someone close to you had on your life? Share with me in the comments section or as a response to this letter wherever you find it.

My prayers and thoughts are with the family of Sound Sultan and everybody out there living through the experience of losing someone close. Love and light to you all.

What did you think of this week's letter?

I love it! ◌ I Like It ◌ Not Bad ◌ I Don’t Like It ◌It’s Awful

This letter was written while listening to a playlist of SoundSultan.

Love always.

Francis.



Get full access to Musings in My Head [MIMH] at mimh.substack.com/subscribe

The episode How does the loss of someone close affect people? from the podcast MIMH - Musings in My Head has a duration of 10:26. It was first published 11 Jul 16:23. The cover art and the content belong to their respective owners.

More episodes from MIMH - Musings in My Head

What happens when our Identities are limited?

Hey, how have you been?

I’ve not written in the past two months. Was in Lagos for a few weeks after Ghana and then moved to Dubai about a month ago. It’s been a rollercoaster period and I’ve been too lazy to write. I expect to resume the usual cadence going forward though.

(Each weekend in Dubai has been incredible so far. I’ve met a new set of people each week and we then go on to have really great weekends exploring the city. One of my favourite weekends so far was with my friend Kenny who’s an artist (check out his song here), has a pure heart and one of the best vibes in the world)

I’m also excited about focusing the next phase of my letters on specifically exploring how we can live enhanced lives as humans while we’re on this earth.

I hope you’ve been okay and blissful. I wish you love in your heart, a smile on your face and gratitude in your mind. Stay Jiggy always.

A child is born in a town on the coast of West Africa. He is born with dark skin in a piece of land that on the ‘global maps’ is marked as the country of Ghana. The parents of the child are in the middle-class and Christians. He grows up with an identity that he is Ghanaian, Christian, Black and a member of the middle class.

Another child is born in a town off the coast of Asia. She is born with brown skin in a piece of land that on the ‘global maps’ is marked as the country of India. The parents of the child are in the middle-class and Hindu. She grows up with an identity that she is Indian, Hindu, Brown and middle class.

Two life forces and souls. Born in a different part of the world. With different identities.

(Omar. One of my closest friends in town. He works in the pool bar at my hotel and is one of the kindest people in the world. Half of the people who come back to the hotel do so because of Omar)

Identities are an essential part of our world. The ability to classify and identify is one of the reasons we’re at the top of the food chain and the most evolved species on the planet. We need them to function as social beings.

We however make a crucial mistake. We assume these identities are absolute. That they are definitive and the ‘only truth’.

A Christian might exact prejudice against someone who doesn’t identify with his religion. Same for a Muslim or many other religions in the world. A white supremacist believes he is superior to people with different skin colours because he was brought up with that identity. Even within the same country, one tribe or caste or ethnic group believe they are superior to the other because of ‘identities’ passed across to them from previous generations.

Even the communities we belong to. Extremist football fans would go to crazy lengths against some that support a different team. People have fights based on the universities that they identify with.

These are all cases of limited identities.

(Selfie after a great night at Barasti. The most beautiful part of the night was when the dude on the right proposed to the lady in yellow. Everyone hyped them and it was so lovely)

A significant amount of the crime we have in the world is as a result of empowered limited identities. People act in negative ways to people that they feel do not belong to their ‘identity’.

Why? Because we have been trained to believe our identities are absolute. That they are the truth and the only truth that exists.

This shouldn’t be so. Very few things in this world are absolute. Gravity. Death. Life. Most of the other things are constructs that we have created or that were created long before we came on the surface of this earth.

It is important to fundamentally understand that our identities are not absolute. It is possible to have our identity and still appreciate the fact that it is not the ‘only truth’ and that it is possible that other ‘truths’ exist. Identities and truths are in many cases subjective.

We often underestimate how much of a role the geography and social class we’re born into influences our identities. Because of this, we often expect that someone else who has a different identity chose that identity and if we share our beliefs with them, it should be a no-brainer for them to accept them. But we don’t put ourselves in their shoes.

(The renaissance man, Sultan from Saudi. Met this good friend of mine at the pool bar and we had a great week. He taught me half of what I now know about the Middle East and Asia. A pure soul and curious human)

A human being is full of possibilities. That is why when we have a certain goal or aspiration and work hard to achieve it, we don’t stop. We come up with something else and strive for that. And so on and so forth. The human life force craves expression. Boundless expression. Our deepest inner self wants to explore all the world and life has to offer.

Limited identities don’t make this possible. They close us out from fully experiencing our life and in many cases, also form the bedrock of a lot of the evil acts that humans inflict in this world.

There’s an alternative. We can come to the understanding that it is possible to hold our beliefs/identities, agree that they are not absolutes and truly respect that people can have different identities but that doesn’t define who they are.

We can adopt a universal identity. Because that is what we truly are. We are global citizens of this planet. Beings of this universe. We exist because other people and things on this planet/universe exist. We exist as an extension of others and others exist as an extension of us.

A universal identity allows us to interact with each other with respect for each other’s identities. Our actions are geared toward the betterment of the people, living things and non-living things in the world. Because we would not exist without them.

Strive to attain a universal identity.

This letter was written while listening to a BharryJhay playlist.

This letter was inspired by this Sadhguru talk with Lewis Howes (from 1:25:00)

In 100 years time, all of us will be top-soil. We are just a small pop-up in time. We think too much of ourselves - Sadhguru.

Love always.

Francis Sani.



Get full access to Musings in My Head [MIMH] at mimh.substack.com/subscribe

Are you in the minority or majority?

Hey, I hope you had a good week.

It’s been an intense start to the year for me with work but getting a hang of it little by little.

Trying to take more pictures this year and document a lot more cos I suck at it currently. Here’s a selfie of me as I write this sentence.

Stay self-aware. Find joy in your small wins. Stay Jiggy.

Conformity is a fascinating phenomenon.

We very much like to think of ourselves as unique. We take pride in the fact that we can decide the things we want to do. We don’t think with the crowd. We have our own opinions and stick to them.

Yet, we all conform in different areas of our life. You greet someone when you meet because it's the right thing to do. You shake with your right hand. Your fashion style is based on a 'look' you identify with. You believe in a certain religion or not.

“Conformity is a type of social influence involving a change in belief or behaviour in order to fit in with a group.”

As social beings, we would very likely always belong to groups. The difference is that sometimes our group is the majority and in other instances, we’ll be in the minority.

Image credit

I guess the question then is:

In what areas of life should we be intentional about being in the minority versus the majority?

There’s often a misconception that the majority shapes the world. That the power is in the numbers. I very much believe this to be untrue and history backs it up. The power is often with the minority. The minority influences the majority till they conform to their new ideas.

Obviously, the minority doesn't always succeed and in some instances, it'll take time. At the end of the day, most 'new' things were created by a minority.

Think about fashion and the influencer-centric world we live in. I remember a couple of years ago that boot-cut jeans were a trend and it was the in-thing to wear. Then it switched to skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are going out of fashion now and free-flowing wear is the new wave.

Is it the majority that creates these waves?

One of the best examples of how and why we conform was described by Solomon Asch in 1951. In his experiment, he put a group of people in a room and asked them to state which of the lines he showed on a paper were correct.

The catch is that 4 of the 5 people were not 'real participants'. They had been told to stay a wrong answer and the real participant had no idea. Here’s what the experiment looked like.

At least 75% of people conformed once during the experiment. On average, 32% (one-third) of the participants conformed with the incorrect majority.

Conformity is bound to happen. The question will be: In which areas do we want to belong to the minority and in which are we okay with being in the majority.

Truth always rests with the minority, and the minority is always stronger than the majority because the minority is generally formed by those who really have an opinion, while the strength of a majority is illusory, formed by the gangs who have no opinion.” - Søren Kierkegaard

Image credit

Personally, for things that don’t matter to me, I don’t mind being in the majority. For things that are important to my sense of purpose, my happiness, my comfort and my fulfilment in life, I prefer to go with the minority that I align with.

Something I’ll love to explore in some future letters is to share stories of how a lot of the “norms”, “tools”, “institutions”, “resources”, “platforms” that play a major role in our lives were created by a minority.

If you want to truly make change happen in an area of life, assess if you’re in the majority or minority. More often than not, the minority will become the majority with time.

This letter was written without listening to music but you should listen to this mix by one of my new favourite artists. The Wavy Creator.

The most common form of despair is not being who you are”. - Søren Kierkegaard

Love always.

Francis.



Get full access to Musings in My Head [MIMH] at mimh.substack.com/subscribe

Do you know that the largest living structure in the world is dying?

Hey,

I hope you’re okay. It’s been a down couple of weeks for me. Been battling impostor syndrome thoughts a lot. I think very often of the mental battles we all have but rarely get to share with others.

I’m considering seeing a therapist soon. We all probably should. What I’ll like to say though is that when you’re facing these down days, remember that it’s normal and you’re not the only one going through it. Most people are.

My fix for my impostor syndrome is to remember my affirmations and taking action. I’ve learned that action breeds confidence. Drowning yourself in thoughts of things that aren’t going well doesn’t. Share how you’re feeling with your loved ones too. Many times, a conversation is all that we need.

I’ve been considering writing these letters every 2 weeks to allow more time for research. I’ve not decided yet but will update y’all.

As always, stay Jiggy and never lose your curiosity.

(PS - My brother’s 1-year memorial is this Saturday. Say a prayer for him if you can. May the soul of all our lost loved ones rest in perfect peace)

* Want to receive notifications via WhatsApp when I send these letters out? Share your phone number here

* Got a musing you think I should explore in my letters? Share it with me here and I might just write about it.

I've recently been intrigued by the ocean and aquatic life. 71% of the world is covered by water. 97% of this water is found in oceans. An estimated 50-80% of all life on earth is in the ocean and we are yet to map more than 80% of the ocean.

It's very intriguing how many different types of species, life and the like exist in the depth of oceans. Most humans can't go deeper than 50 meters in the ocean with supporting equipment and the deepest part of the ocean is over 11 kilometres deep. So except we advance our technology incredibly soon, things might remain the same.

I'm interested in learning about how sea levels have changed over the past thousands of years and how that has affected life on earth and in oceans. I'll be exploring that in future letters. Today though, we'll take a close look at the largest living structure in the world.

I first learnt about these entities when I mistakenly stumbled upon a Netflix documentary: Chasing Coral.

I discovered that corals are large colonies of little organisms that connect to each other to create some of the most beautiful and largest structures in the world.

A Coral Reef

A coral is a beautiful organism that is made up of an animal, a plant and minerals. A coral head is made up of a group of small animals (as small as a pinhead sometimes) called polyps. These polyps have a symbiotic relationship with a specific type of algae called zooxanthellae.

(The tips that look like tentacles contain polyps. The green dots you see are algae. The white base is the carbonated mineral)

The algae can photosynthesise and provide food to the polyps in form of carbon dioxide. The corals in turn protect the algae. The algae are also responsible for the different coral colours we see. The beauty though is that these polyps can reproduce very quickly and they connect with other colonies of corals. As they grow, they secrete exoskeletons that can spread out over a large area.

The growth of these corals combined with their exoskeletons and the connection of multiple coral colonies create coral reefs. These reefs are usually found in the shallow parts of the ocean so that their algae can get access to sunlight and photosynthesize.

(A coral reef. Image source)

They'll typically be found in coastal areas off a seashore and close to a landmass. They are also often present on the many islands across the world. There are other types of corals that exist deeper in the ocean but they don't have algae because light doesn't reach those streets in the ocean. Our focus is on reef-forming corals.

Their importance

In addition to the sheer beauty of these organisms, they play a critical role in the world's ecosystem. Despite the fact that they occupy just 0.1% of the ocean's area, coral reefs are home to 25% of marine life. One-quarter! An estimated 500 million people earn their livelihoods from the fishing stocks and tourism opportunities reefs provide.

(A fish in its coral home. Image source)

The largest coral reef in the world (and the largest living structure) is the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. It is composed of over 2,900 individual reefs and 900 islands stretching for over 2,300 kilometres over an area of approximately 344,400 square kilometres.

It is estimated to have a social, economic and iconic value of $56B and contributes about $6.4B to Australia's economy every year. The reef is estimated to be over 20,000 years old.

(The Great Barrier Reef. Image source)

Seven Interesting Reef Facts

* The Great Barrier Reef is so large that it can be seen from space!

* Individual colonies of corals can often live decades to centuries.

* The annual global economic value of coral reefs has been estimated at anywhere from US$2.7 trillion (a 2020 estimate) to US$9.9 trillion (a 2014 estimate)

* Corals date back 400 million years.

* Coral reefs protect shorelines by absorbing wave energy, and many small islands would not exist without reefs. Coral reefs can reduce wave energy by 97%, helping to prevent loss of life and property damage.

* An estimated 197 million people who live both below 10 m elevation and within 50 km of a reef consequently may receive risk reduction benefits from reefs.

* About six million tons of fish are taken each year from coral reefs. Southeast Asia's coral reef fisheries alone yield about $2.4 billion annually from seafood.

I found it interesting that coral reefs thrive in the parts of the ocean with little nutrients. For a long while, scientists didn't know why this was the case. We've now learnt that this is because high levels of nitrogen and phosphate are harmful to corals. Algae and seaweed love these chemicals and because they grow faster than corals, they can outcompete them.

Therefore, corals thrive in areas of the ocean with little nutrients. However, because of the ecosystem of aquatic life they enable, they have built a system to recycle the nutrients that they need.

These beautiful reefs are under severe threat though. In addition to threats like overfishing, invasive species and pollution. Increasing ocean temperatures and ocean acidification is causing mass coral bleaching across the world.

Coral bleaching is a situation in which due to higher or lower temperatures than they're normally used to, corals become white like you can see in the image below.

(A normal reef on the left and a bleached coral on the left)

What is actually happening is that increased temperatures cause the algae within them to lose their ability to photosynthesize. The corals then spot that something is wrong with their system and just like our human body fights against bacteria when we spot them, the coral begins to fight against the algae.

They flush the algae from their system losing their colour and the very thing that gives them food. You can think of the corals as being sick during this phase. If temperatures don't return to the usual range soon enough, the corals wither and die.

(Imagine these beauties dying. Image source)

It is estimated that coral reefs have declined by 50% since 1950, partly due to sensitive water conditions. 14% of this decline happened between 2009 and 2018, showing that the rate of decline is increasing.

As global warming increases on our planet, these reefs that house 25% of our aquatic life are in danger of becoming extinct. As a reef dies, the fish and lifeforms that depend on it lose their protection and house, eventually dying off as well. A bleak prediction by scientists says that by 2085, ocean conditions will be acidic enough for corals around the globe to begin to dissolve.

I don't even want to imagine a world where they don't exist. Our ocean loses some of its most beautiful creatures. 500 million people (in today's numbers) lose their source of livelihood. Our shores and coastlines are more vulnerable to storms and waves because the reefs are dead. And many more.

(A dying reef. Image source)

The ocean absorbs over 90% of our planet's heat mostly created by human-generated greenhouse gas. If we don't mitigate climate change, we might lose our shallow coral reefs by the next century.

We can play a role. Spread the word about these beautiful creatures. Reduce the use of fertilizers where possible. Conserve energy as much as you can. Advocate for climate change reduction initiatives

A sucker is born every minute. Are you one?

Hey,

I hope you’re doing okay.

As these letters near the 1-year anniversary, I’m constantly thinking about how to improve them. There a quite a number of things I could write about: Business, Venture capital, Strategy etc. However, I feel there’s a lot of content out there about those topics.

But I often find that I don’t know enough about myself and the world I live in and that feels a lot more exciting to write about. That was the focus when I started these letters and that focus remains.

To explore these two themes and as an added benefit, also help you understand yourself and the world you live in. It’s been an incredible year so far and I promise that I’ll continuously work on improving the value you find in these letters.

* Interested in attending a Meet & Greet to celebrate MIMH’s one-year anniversary? Indicate here.

* Got ideas on how I can improve the letters? Let me know here.

To get started today, I’ll like you to answer these 5 questions. It’ll only take 30 seconds and you need it to go forward in today’s letter.

Answer the questions

——————————————-

Welcome back

——————————————-

As humans, we like positive statements about ourselves. If I told you two statements:

Statement 1

You are a very bad listener, and you do not take other people seriously when they have an idea.

Statment 2

You care for other people and show empathy when they need you.

You are more likely to describe the second statement as true than the first one.

There is a phenomenon that takes this to the next level. It is a phenomenon that occurs when individuals believe that personality descriptions apply specifically to them (more so than to other people), despite the fact that the description is actually filled with information that applies to everyone.

Image credit

If you look at statement 2 more closely, you'll likely agree with me that it applies to almost everyone or a large group of people. However, when you first read it, it felt personal to you.

This phenomenon is called the Barnum Effect or Forer effect.

In the survey I asked you to take, I can predict that more than 50% of the people who take the survey will rate the last question (Overall, how accurately do you think these statements describe you?) above 4.

This effect was studied by the psychologist Bertram Forer in 1948. He gave his 39 students a personality test. After they took the tests though, the results he gave them were random answers that he took from an astrology newspaper and they were the same for all the students.

He however told the students that the results were their unique results from the tests they took. He then asked them to rate how accurate they thought the results were on a scale of 1 to 5.

All the students rated the results above 4.2.

This phenomenon is the reason why a lot of people believe, horoscopes, fortune tellers, psychics, (fake pastors) etc. These people make general statements that are true for everyone but seem personal to you.

Let me give you another one.

Let's say you meet a prophet for the first time and he says these words to you:

"You have a great deal of energy when handling problems that you face in your life. However, you are not yet aware of your capacity. I recommend you to give some time to discover this side of yourself and you will see what I mean.”

You can connect with these words and you might even wonder how he/she knows so much about you. In many instances, people will want to hear more and unethical actors might take advantage of such people.

Image credit

There are three attributes of situations that make usage of the Barnum effect stronger:

* Personal analysis: If the statement is something that relates to your person or your experience in life, you are likely to believe it.

* Positivity: As humans, we like being told good things about ourselves and we reject criticism. Bad actors know this and will use a lot of positive words to lure us in.

* Perceived Authority: The effect is stronger if the person saying those words is some sort of authority or present themselves as such. A doctor, some with a certification, a pastor, a respected individual etc.

People seek comfort, encouragement and look for an escape from the real world with the comforting, positive statements made for them in the name of astrology. Source

I found this effect interesting because as 'learned' as I might claim I am, I fell to this effect.

Another example of the effect in play is the use of "Personalization" or "For You" in social media and entertainment apps.

On Spotify/Apple Music/YouTube/Netflix, you have a "For You" segment that looks personalized to you. We feel special that it is customized to us and this drives us to use the product more.

In reality, we are not the only ones getting that recommendation. Thousands or millions of other people who play the same songs or movies as us are getting that exact same recommendation. In our minds though, it's custom made for us.

Image credit

In some cases, the Barnum effect is put to good use. Horoscope sites give daily generic texts that make people feel better and inspired. Apps allow us to enjoy more things that we like and more.

However, bad actors can also use this effect to manipulate us. A fortune teller can rope you in with good things about yourself and make generic predictions. When those generic predictions come to pass, our belief in them deepens. The same thing goes for fake pastors which is endemic in Nigeria.

Some people make important life decisions based on the Barnum statements that these people have mastered. And things might not turn out great for these people.

So how can we potentially avoid them?

* The first step is to be aware. Share this effect with your friends and loved ones. When people are aware, they are more likely to analyse such situations better.

* Be conscious of vague/generic statements that may apply to anyone. When a horoscope or fortune teller says something, ask yourself if that statement could be true for everyone else.

* Pay attention to the content of the statements. If they are mostly positive with very few negative statements, that person is likely onto something. Take a step back and assess before you make important decisions.

People who are experts at using the Barnum effects to their favour have had years of practise and centuries of insights on how to make them work. You can however shake them off by being aware and analyzing their statements.

Like PT. Barnum (the 19th-century showman, who the Greatest Showman movie is modelled after) once said: "A sucker is born every minute".

Don't be one of them.

Do me a favour and share this letter with someone you know will get value from it.

This letter was written while listening to Peru by Fireboy Dml.

Love,

Francis.



Get full access to Musings in My Head [MIMH] at mimh.substack.com/subscribe

BBNaija received 900million votes in 2020: Why do people love reality TV so much?

Hey,

I hope you’re doing okay and staying strong despite all that life’s throwing at you. Never forget that you’re strong within. Though darkness may last for the night, light always comes in the morning. Always.

Stay positive. Keep pushing. All that is meant to be yours will find its way to you.

Stay Jiggy always.

* Want to receive notifications via WhatsApp when I send these letters out? Share your phone number here

* Got a musing you think I should explore in my letters? Share it with me here and I might just write about it.

It's Big Brother Naija season.

I saw the popular reality TV show kicked off yesterday. My Twitter TL is about to get clobbered regularly with names of contestants and the drama that comes with them. Only Saturday football is able to take them off the trend table.

Image credit

I'm usually indifferent to the show. Growing up, we couldn't afford DSTV subscription, so I only got to get a glimpse of the show at my friend Junior's house after school hours or during the occasional weekends when we had extra lessons at school.

Over time, I just didn't care about it and most other reality shows. However, I followed it for the first time last year. I occasionally watched the Sunday reviews and was more frequent with it as the show neared its end and things were heating up.

When I heard the show was back, I wondered about the origin of this entertainment format that has the ability to keep people glued to their screens longer than social media, football and almost all other types of entertainment.

Why do you people love reality TV so much?

The first show that implemented the reality tv format we know today was first aired in 1973. It was aired in the US on PBS from January to March 1973 and was called "An American Family".

Produced by Craig Gilbert, the show followed the real life of a relatively unknown family of 7 in California. Pat and Bill Loud were the parents of 5 children and the camera followed their family for 7 months. All this was eventually crammed into 12 one-hour episodes for the show. 10 million Americans were glued.

Gilbert's goal was to portray the American life as it truly was. Unscripted and unguided. The results were kind of real too, lol. The couple divorced during the shooting. Their first son, Lance Loud, opened up about his homosexuality and became one of America's first famous LGBTQ activists & icons.

Eventually, the family (the parents at least) were not happy about the results of the show. They didn't expect that millions of people would watch their lives every day and form an opinion of them. They clashed with the producer and there was no rerun. (Pat and Bill eventually moved back together after a year but never remarried).

Image credit

This was reality at its realest.

Shows like MTV's The Real World (1992), Survivor (2000), Big Brother (2000) and American idol improved on the American family and have inspired most of the reality tv shows we have around the world today.

Modern reality shows while still portraying some 'reality' are less uncoordinated. They are heavily edited (like watchers of Big Brother ReUnion will attest to), sometimes scripted, staged and generally less of reality.

Regardless, people still flock to them in their millions every day, every week around the world.

In Nigeria, one of the earliest mainstream reality shows was the Gulder Ultimate Search. I remember all those nights we spent watching the trials of the first group in 2004 during which Ezeugo triumphed as the winner. It's one of the shows I wish had a longer run time (ended in 2012).

Other popular shows like MTN Project Fame, Nigerian Idol and recently Big Brother have kept millions of Nigerians glued to their screens for weeks.

For context, BBNaija received 900 million votes in 2020. Up from 240 million in the previous year, a 375% increase. - The Guardian

I find that there are three categories of people when it comes to different reality TV shows:

* People who watch it and are non-apologetic about it.

* People who watch occasionally or to ensure that they are able to participate in discussions about them in their social circles.

* People who can't believe people spend hours watching such shows. Usually, they'll have one they used to like and are in a phase where they don't have time for this format anymore or have lost interest. In some cases, they want to show intellectual superiority.

So what do people and experts think about the reason why people love reality shows?

These are the quotes that I found most interesting about why people love reality TV shows:

Reality shows are popular because people like to watch others who are successful. Everyone wants to live a luxurious life and therefore want to see how other people live that sort of life. It is human nature to see what other people have and to want it, and reality shows are a way for people to see that life and wish they had it. These shows are outlets for people to be envious and feel as if that could’ve been them. It also makes people wonder if they had that life, would they act like that. Most people think they wouldn’t, and therefore make themselves feel better. - Brianna Hutchinson, SCTC

Image credit

Psychologists say it is based on the desire to be part of a specific crowd of people. By watching the show, one individual now has a similar interest with a group of people. Also, reality television allows people to imagine gaining fame through media exposure. People can simply sit and fantasise about becoming a celebrity themselves. - Daily American

Reality television in particular gives us a false sense that we really know the people we see on the screen. This sense of having a personal relationship is amplified with the 'reality' label, even though we are aware that its greatly exaggerated. Close ties between family and friends are at all-time lows. Over time, we come to see the folks portrayed on the screen as friends. We identify with their struggles and triumphs. It's much less time consuming to take in a half an hour television show than to connect with a friend.- Dr Jani Scrivani

We live vicariously through the experiences of the reality TV stars, from the safety of our own homes. We don’t actually have to risk our heart or our reputation when we vicariously live through the experiences of the reality show participants. - Dr. Carole Lieberman.

Why do you think people like reality shows so much?

I identify with the reason that we subconsciously aspire for certain types of lives or certain situations that we will never be able to live ourselves. Reality TV shows give us a way to experience what it's like to survive in a jungle, to be in a house with strangers and fulfil our impulses, to overcome our fear and showcase our talents to the world and a lot more.

We are able to do all these while avoiding the actual experience happening to us. Avoiding the embarrassment, heartache, trolling but also missing out on the glamour, fame and more. They also allow us to escape from our realities.

Image credit

It's an interesting phenomenon.

It's ironic that reality TV was originally created to reflect the realities of other people and perhaps help us navigate ours better. Nowadays though, it's more fun to watch shows that make us forget those realities and live in our imaginations.

What do you think about reality TV shows and why do you think people watch them? Share with your friends and see what their responses are.

What did you think of this week's letter?

I love it! ◌ I Like It ◌ Not Bad ◌ I Don’t Like It ◌It’s Awful

This musing was written while listening to King and LionHeart by Of Monsters and Men.

Companies can either pay to have you watch or in some instances, pay to have you watched.

Love always,

Francis.



Get full access to Musings in My Head [MIMH] at mimh.substack.com/subscribe
Every Podcast » MIMH - Musings in My Head » How does the loss of someone close affect people?