MIMH - Musings in My Head

Hey, how have you been?

I’ve not written in the past two months. Was in Lagos for a few weeks after Ghana and then moved to Dubai about a month ago. It’s been a rollercoaster period and I’ve been too lazy to write. I expect to resume the usual cadence going forward though.

(Each weekend in Dubai has been incredible so far. I’ve met a new set of people each week and we then go on to have really great weekends exploring the city. One of my favourite weekends so far was with my friend Kenny who’s an artist (check out his song here), has a pure heart and one of the best vibes in the world)

I’m also excited about focusing the next phase of my letters on specifically exploring how we can live enhanced lives as humans while we’re on this earth.

I hope you’ve been okay and blissful. I wish you love in your heart, a smile on your face and gratitude in your mind. Stay Jiggy always.

A child is born in a town on the coast of West Africa. He is born with dark skin in a piece of land that on the ‘global maps’ is marked as the country of Ghana. The parents of the child are in the middle-class and Christians. He grows up with an identity that he is Ghanaian, Christian, Black and a member of the middle class.

Another child is born in a town off the coast of Asia. She is born with brown skin in a piece of land that on the ‘global maps’ is marked as the country of India. The parents of the child are in the middle-class and Hindu. She grows up with an identity that she is Indian, Hindu, Brown and middle class.

Two life forces and souls. Born in a different part of the world. With different identities.

(Omar. One of my closest friends in town. He works in the pool bar at my hotel and is one of the kindest people in the world. Half of the people who come back to the hotel do so because of Omar)

Identities are an essential part of our world. The ability to classify and identify is one of the reasons we’re at the top of the food chain and the most evolved species on the planet. We need them to function as social beings.

We however make a crucial mistake. We assume these identities are absolute. That they are definitive and the ‘only truth’.

A Christian might exact prejudice against someone who doesn’t identify with his religion. Same for a Muslim or many other religions in the world. A white supremacist believes he is superior to people with different skin colours because he was brought up with that identity. Even within the same country, one tribe or caste or ethnic group believe they are superior to the other because of ‘identities’ passed across to them from previous generations.

Even the communities we belong to. Extremist football fans would go to crazy lengths against some that support a different team. People have fights based on the universities that they identify with.

These are all cases of limited identities.

(Selfie after a great night at Barasti. The most beautiful part of the night was when the dude on the right proposed to the lady in yellow. Everyone hyped them and it was so lovely)

A significant amount of the crime we have in the world is as a result of empowered limited identities. People act in negative ways to people that they feel do not belong to their ‘identity’.

Why? Because we have been trained to believe our identities are absolute. That they are the truth and the only truth that exists.

This shouldn’t be so. Very few things in this world are absolute. Gravity. Death. Life. Most of the other things are constructs that we have created or that were created long before we came on the surface of this earth.

It is important to fundamentally understand that our identities are not absolute. It is possible to have our identity and still appreciate the fact that it is not the ‘only truth’ and that it is possible that other ‘truths’ exist. Identities and truths are in many cases subjective.

We often underestimate how much of a role the geography and social class we’re born into influences our identities. Because of this, we often expect that someone else who has a different identity chose that identity and if we share our beliefs with them, it should be a no-brainer for them to accept them. But we don’t put ourselves in their shoes.

(The renaissance man, Sultan from Saudi. Met this good friend of mine at the pool bar and we had a great week. He taught me half of what I now know about the Middle East and Asia. A pure soul and curious human)

A human being is full of possibilities. That is why when we have a certain goal or aspiration and work hard to achieve it, we don’t stop. We come up with something else and strive for that. And so on and so forth. The human life force craves expression. Boundless expression. Our deepest inner self wants to explore all the world and life has to offer.

Limited identities don’t make this possible. They close us out from fully experiencing our life and in many cases, also form the bedrock of a lot of the evil acts that humans inflict in this world.

There’s an alternative. We can come to the understanding that it is possible to hold our beliefs/identities, agree that they are not absolutes and truly respect that people can have different identities but that doesn’t define who they are.

We can adopt a universal identity. Because that is what we truly are. We are global citizens of this planet. Beings of this universe. We exist because other people and things on this planet/universe exist. We exist as an extension of others and others exist as an extension of us.

A universal identity allows us to interact with each other with respect for each other’s identities. Our actions are geared toward the betterment of the people, living things and non-living things in the world. Because we would not exist without them.

Strive to attain a universal identity.

This letter was written while listening to a BharryJhay playlist.

This letter was inspired by this Sadhguru talk with Lewis Howes (from 1:25:00)

In 100 years time, all of us will be top-soil. We are just a small pop-up in time. We think too much of ourselves - Sadhguru.

Love always.

Francis Sani.

Hey, I hope you had a good week.

It’s been an intense start to the year for me with work but getting a hang of it little by little.

Trying to take more pictures this year and document a lot more cos I suck at it currently. Here’s a selfie of me as I write this sentence.

Stay self-aware. Find joy in your small wins. Stay Jiggy.

Conformity is a fascinating phenomenon.

We very much like to think of ourselves as unique. We take pride in the fact that we can decide the things we want to do. We don’t think with the crowd. We have our own opinions and stick to them.

Yet, we all conform in different areas of our life. You greet someone when you meet because it's the right thing to do. You shake with your right hand. Your fashion style is based on a 'look' you identify with. You believe in a certain religion or not.

“Conformity is a type of social influence involving a change in belief or behaviour in order to fit in with a group.”

As social beings, we would very likely always belong to groups. The difference is that sometimes our group is the majority and in other instances, we’ll be in the minority.

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I guess the question then is:

In what areas of life should we be intentional about being in the minority versus the majority?

There’s often a misconception that the majority shapes the world. That the power is in the numbers. I very much believe this to be untrue and history backs it up. The power is often with the minority. The minority influences the majority till they conform to their new ideas.

Obviously, the minority doesn't always succeed and in some instances, it'll take time. At the end of the day, most 'new' things were created by a minority.

Think about fashion and the influencer-centric world we live in. I remember a couple of years ago that boot-cut jeans were a trend and it was the in-thing to wear. Then it switched to skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are going out of fashion now and free-flowing wear is the new wave.

Is it the majority that creates these waves?

One of the best examples of how and why we conform was described by Solomon Asch in 1951. In his experiment, he put a group of people in a room and asked them to state which of the lines he showed on a paper were correct.

The catch is that 4 of the 5 people were not 'real participants'. They had been told to stay a wrong answer and the real participant had no idea. Here’s what the experiment looked like.

At least 75% of people conformed once during the experiment. On average, 32% (one-third) of the participants conformed with the incorrect majority.

Conformity is bound to happen. The question will be: In which areas do we want to belong to the minority and in which are we okay with being in the majority.

“Truth always rests with the minority, and the minority is always stronger than the majority because the minority is generally formed by those who really have an opinion, while the strength of a majority is illusory, formed by the gangs who have no opinion.” - Søren Kierkegaard

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Personally, for things that don’t matter to me, I don’t mind being in the majority. For things that are important to my sense of purpose, my happiness, my comfort and my fulfilment in life, I prefer to go with the minority that I align with.

Something I’ll love to explore in some future letters is to share stories of how a lot of the “norms”, “tools”, “institutions”, “resources”, “platforms” that play a major role in our lives were created by a minority.

If you want to truly make change happen in an area of life, assess if you’re in the majority or minority. More often than not, the minority will become the majority with time.

This letter was written without listening to music but you should listen to this mix by one of my new favourite artists. The Wavy Creator.

“The most common form of despair is not being who you are”. - Søren Kierkegaard

Love always.

Francis.

Hey,

I hope you’re okay. It’s been a down couple of weeks for me. Been battling impostor syndrome thoughts a lot. I think very often of the mental battles we all have but rarely get to share with others.

I’m considering seeing a therapist soon. We all probably should. What I’ll like to say though is that when you’re facing these down days, remember that it’s normal and you’re not the only one going through it. Most people are.

My fix for my impostor syndrome is to remember my affirmations and taking action. I’ve learned that action breeds confidence. Drowning yourself in thoughts of things that aren’t going well doesn’t. Share how you’re feeling with your loved ones too. Many times, a conversation is all that we need.

I’ve been considering writing these letters every 2 weeks to allow more time for research. I’ve not decided yet but will update y’all.

As always, stay Jiggy and never lose your curiosity.

(PS - My brother’s 1-year memorial is this Saturday. Say a prayer for him if you can. May the soul of all our lost loved ones rest in perfect peace)

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I've recently been intrigued by the ocean and aquatic life. 71% of the world is covered by water. 97% of this water is found in oceans. An estimated 50-80% of all life on earth is in the ocean and we are yet to map more than 80% of the ocean.

It's very intriguing how many different types of species, life and the like exist in the depth of oceans. Most humans can't go deeper than 50 meters in the ocean with supporting equipment and the deepest part of the ocean is over 11 kilometres deep. So except we advance our technology incredibly soon, things might remain the same.

I'm interested in learning about how sea levels have changed over the past thousands of years and how that has affected life on earth and in oceans. I'll be exploring that in future letters. Today though, we'll take a close look at the largest living structure in the world.

I first learnt about these entities when I mistakenly stumbled upon a Netflix documentary: Chasing Coral.

I discovered that corals are large colonies of little organisms that connect to each other to create some of the most beautiful and largest structures in the world.

A Coral Reef

A coral is a beautiful organism that is made up of an animal, a plant and minerals. A coral head is made up of a group of small animals (as small as a pinhead sometimes) called polyps. These polyps have a symbiotic relationship with a specific type of algae called zooxanthellae.

(The tips that look like tentacles contain polyps. The green dots you see are algae. The white base is the carbonated mineral)

The algae can photosynthesise and provide food to the polyps in form of carbon dioxide. The corals in turn protect the algae. The algae are also responsible for the different coral colours we see. The beauty though is that these polyps can reproduce very quickly and they connect with other colonies of corals. As they grow, they secrete exoskeletons that can spread out over a large area.

The growth of these corals combined with their exoskeletons and the connection of multiple coral colonies create coral reefs. These reefs are usually found in the shallow parts of the ocean so that their algae can get access to sunlight and photosynthesize.

(A coral reef. Image source)

They'll typically be found in coastal areas off a seashore and close to a landmass. They are also often present on the many islands across the world. There are other types of corals that exist deeper in the ocean but they don't have algae because light doesn't reach those streets in the ocean. Our focus is on reef-forming corals.

Their importance

In addition to the sheer beauty of these organisms, they play a critical role in the world's ecosystem. Despite the fact that they occupy just 0.1% of the ocean's area, coral reefs are home to 25% of marine life. One-quarter! An estimated 500 million people earn their livelihoods from the fishing stocks and tourism opportunities reefs provide.

(A fish in its coral home. Image source)

The largest coral reef in the world (and the largest living structure) is the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. It is composed of over 2,900 individual reefs and 900 islands stretching for over 2,300 kilometres over an area of approximately 344,400 square kilometres.

It is estimated to have a social, economic and iconic value of $56B and contributes about $6.4B to Australia's economy every year. The reef is estimated to be over 20,000 years old.

(The Great Barrier Reef. Image source)

Seven Interesting Reef Facts

* The Great Barrier Reef is so large that it can be seen from space!

* Individual colonies of corals can often live decades to centuries.

* The annual global economic value of coral reefs has been estimated at anywhere from US$2.7 trillion (a 2020 estimate) to US$9.9 trillion (a 2014 estimate)

* Corals date back 400 million years.

* Coral reefs protect shorelines by absorbing wave energy, and many small islands would not exist without reefs. Coral reefs can reduce wave energy by 97%, helping to prevent loss of life and property damage.

* An estimated 197 million people who live both below 10 m elevation and within 50 km of a reef consequently may receive risk reduction benefits from reefs.

* About six million tons of fish are taken each year from coral reefs. Southeast Asia's coral reef fisheries alone yield about $2.4 billion annually from seafood.

I found it interesting that coral reefs thrive in the parts of the ocean with little nutrients. For a long while, scientists didn't know why this was the case. We've now learnt that this is because high levels of nitrogen and phosphate are harmful to corals. Algae and seaweed love these chemicals and because they grow faster than corals, they can outcompete them.

Therefore, corals thrive in areas of the ocean with little nutrients. However, because of the ecosystem of aquatic life they enable, they have built a system to recycle the nutrients that they need.

These beautiful reefs are under severe threat though. In addition to threats like overfishing, invasive species and pollution. Increasing ocean temperatures and ocean acidification is causing mass coral bleaching across the world.

Coral bleaching is a situation in which due to higher or lower temperatures than they're normally used to, corals become white like you can see in the image below.

(A normal reef on the left and a bleached coral on the left)

What is actually happening is that increased temperatures cause the algae within them to lose their ability to photosynthesize. The corals then spot that something is wrong with their system and just like our human body fights against bacteria when we spot them, the coral begins to fight against the algae.

They flush the algae from their system losing their colour and the very thing that gives them food. You can think of the corals as being sick during this phase. If temperatures don't return to the usual range soon enough, the corals wither and die.

(Imagine these beauties dying. Image source)

It is estimated that coral reefs have declined by 50% since 1950, partly due to sensitive water conditions. 14% of this decline happened between 2009 and 2018, showing that the rate of decline is increasing.

As global warming increases on our planet, these reefs that house 25% of our aquatic life are in danger of becoming extinct. As a reef dies, the fish and lifeforms that depend on it lose their protection and house, eventually dying off as well. A bleak prediction by scientists says that by 2085, ocean conditions will be acidic enough for corals around the globe to begin to dissolve.

I don't even want to imagine a world where they don't exist. Our ocean loses some of its most beautiful creatures. 500 million people (in today's numbers) lose their source of livelihood. Our shores and coastlines are more vulnerable to storms and waves because the reefs are dead. And many more.

(A dying reef. Image source)

The ocean absorbs over 90% of our planet's heat mostly created by human-generated greenhouse gas. If we don't mitigate climate change, we might lose our shallow coral reefs by the next century.

We can play a role. Spread the word about these beautiful creatures. Reduce the use of fertilizers where possible. Conserve energy as much as you can. Advocate for climate change reduction initiatives

Hey,

I hope you’re doing okay.

As these letters near the 1-year anniversary, I’m constantly thinking about how to improve them. There a quite a number of things I could write about: Business, Venture capital, Strategy etc. However, I feel there’s a lot of content out there about those topics.

But I often find that I don’t know enough about myself and the world I live in and that feels a lot more exciting to write about. That was the focus when I started these letters and that focus remains.

To explore these two themes and as an added benefit, also help you understand yourself and the world you live in. It’s been an incredible year so far and I promise that I’ll continuously work on improving the value you find in these letters.

* Interested in attending a Meet & Greet to celebrate MIMH’s one-year anniversary? Indicate here.

* Got ideas on how I can improve the letters? Let me know here.

To get started today, I’ll like you to answer these 5 questions. It’ll only take 30 seconds and you need it to go forward in today’s letter.

Answer the questions

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Welcome back

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As humans, we like positive statements about ourselves. If I told you two statements:

Statement 1

You are a very bad listener, and you do not take other people seriously when they have an idea.

Statment 2

You care for other people and show empathy when they need you.

You are more likely to describe the second statement as true than the first one.

There is a phenomenon that takes this to the next level. It is a phenomenon that occurs when individuals believe that personality descriptions apply specifically to them (more so than to other people), despite the fact that the description is actually filled with information that applies to everyone.

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If you look at statement 2 more closely, you'll likely agree with me that it applies to almost everyone or a large group of people. However, when you first read it, it felt personal to you.

This phenomenon is called the Barnum Effect or Forer effect.

In the survey I asked you to take, I can predict that more than 50% of the people who take the survey will rate the last question (Overall, how accurately do you think these statements describe you?) above 4.

This effect was studied by the psychologist Bertram Forer in 1948. He gave his 39 students a personality test. After they took the tests though, the results he gave them were random answers that he took from an astrology newspaper and they were the same for all the students.

He however told the students that the results were their unique results from the tests they took. He then asked them to rate how accurate they thought the results were on a scale of 1 to 5.

All the students rated the results above 4.2.

This phenomenon is the reason why a lot of people believe, horoscopes, fortune tellers, psychics, (fake pastors) etc. These people make general statements that are true for everyone but seem personal to you.

Let me give you another one.

Let's say you meet a prophet for the first time and he says these words to you:

"You have a great deal of energy when handling problems that you face in your life. However, you are not yet aware of your capacity. I recommend you to give some time to discover this side of yourself and you will see what I mean.”

You can connect with these words and you might even wonder how he/she knows so much about you. In many instances, people will want to hear more and unethical actors might take advantage of such people.

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There are three attributes of situations that make usage of the Barnum effect stronger:

* Personal analysis: If the statement is something that relates to your person or your experience in life, you are likely to believe it.

* Positivity: As humans, we like being told good things about ourselves and we reject criticism. Bad actors know this and will use a lot of positive words to lure us in.

* Perceived Authority: The effect is stronger if the person saying those words is some sort of authority or present themselves as such. A doctor, some with a certification, a pastor, a respected individual etc.

People seek comfort, encouragement and look for an escape from the real world with the comforting, positive statements made for them in the name of astrology. Source

I found this effect interesting because as 'learned' as I might claim I am, I fell to this effect.

Another example of the effect in play is the use of "Personalization" or "For You" in social media and entertainment apps.

On Spotify/Apple Music/YouTube/Netflix, you have a "For You" segment that looks personalized to you. We feel special that it is customized to us and this drives us to use the product more.

In reality, we are not the only ones getting that recommendation. Thousands or millions of other people who play the same songs or movies as us are getting that exact same recommendation. In our minds though, it's custom made for us.

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In some cases, the Barnum effect is put to good use. Horoscope sites give daily generic texts that make people feel better and inspired. Apps allow us to enjoy more things that we like and more.

However, bad actors can also use this effect to manipulate us. A fortune teller can rope you in with good things about yourself and make generic predictions. When those generic predictions come to pass, our belief in them deepens. The same thing goes for fake pastors which is endemic in Nigeria.

Some people make important life decisions based on the Barnum statements that these people have mastered. And things might not turn out great for these people.

So how can we potentially avoid them?

* The first step is to be aware. Share this effect with your friends and loved ones. When people are aware, they are more likely to analyse such situations better.

* Be conscious of vague/generic statements that may apply to anyone. When a horoscope or fortune teller says something, ask yourself if that statement could be true for everyone else.

* Pay attention to the content of the statements. If they are mostly positive with very few negative statements, that person is likely onto something. Take a step back and assess before you make important decisions.

People who are experts at using the Barnum effects to their favour have had years of practise and centuries of insights on how to make them work. You can however shake them off by being aware and analyzing their statements.

Like PT. Barnum (the 19th-century showman, who the Greatest Showman movie is modelled after) once said: "A sucker is born every minute".

Don't be one of them.

Do me a favour and share this letter with someone you know will get value from it.

This letter was written while listening to Peru by Fireboy Dml.

Love,

Francis.

Hey,

I hope you’re doing okay and staying strong despite all that life’s throwing at you. Never forget that you’re strong within. Though darkness may last for the night, light always comes in the morning. Always.

Stay positive. Keep pushing. All that is meant to be yours will find its way to you.

Stay Jiggy always.

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It's Big Brother Naija season.

I saw the popular reality TV show kicked off yesterday. My Twitter TL is about to get clobbered regularly with names of contestants and the drama that comes with them. Only Saturday football is able to take them off the trend table.

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I'm usually indifferent to the show. Growing up, we couldn't afford DSTV subscription, so I only got to get a glimpse of the show at my friend Junior's house after school hours or during the occasional weekends when we had extra lessons at school.

Over time, I just didn't care about it and most other reality shows. However, I followed it for the first time last year. I occasionally watched the Sunday reviews and was more frequent with it as the show neared its end and things were heating up.

When I heard the show was back, I wondered about the origin of this entertainment format that has the ability to keep people glued to their screens longer than social media, football and almost all other types of entertainment.

Why do you people love reality TV so much?

The first show that implemented the reality tv format we know today was first aired in 1973. It was aired in the US on PBS from January to March 1973 and was called "An American Family".

Produced by Craig Gilbert, the show followed the real life of a relatively unknown family of 7 in California. Pat and Bill Loud were the parents of 5 children and the camera followed their family for 7 months. All this was eventually crammed into 12 one-hour episodes for the show. 10 million Americans were glued.

Gilbert's goal was to portray the American life as it truly was. Unscripted and unguided. The results were kind of real too, lol. The couple divorced during the shooting. Their first son, Lance Loud, opened up about his homosexuality and became one of America's first famous LGBTQ activists & icons.

Eventually, the family (the parents at least) were not happy about the results of the show. They didn't expect that millions of people would watch their lives every day and form an opinion of them. They clashed with the producer and there was no rerun. (Pat and Bill eventually moved back together after a year but never remarried).

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This was reality at its realest.

Shows like MTV's The Real World (1992), Survivor (2000), Big Brother (2000) and American idol improved on the American family and have inspired most of the reality tv shows we have around the world today.

Modern reality shows while still portraying some 'reality' are less uncoordinated. They are heavily edited (like watchers of Big Brother ReUnion will attest to), sometimes scripted, staged and generally less of reality.

Regardless, people still flock to them in their millions every day, every week around the world.

In Nigeria, one of the earliest mainstream reality shows was the Gulder Ultimate Search. I remember all those nights we spent watching the trials of the first group in 2004 during which Ezeugo triumphed as the winner. It's one of the shows I wish had a longer run time (ended in 2012).

Other popular shows like MTN Project Fame, Nigerian Idol and recently Big Brother have kept millions of Nigerians glued to their screens for weeks.

For context, BBNaija received 900 million votes in 2020. Up from 240 million in the previous year, a 375% increase. - The Guardian

I find that there are three categories of people when it comes to different reality TV shows:

* People who watch it and are non-apologetic about it.

* People who watch occasionally or to ensure that they are able to participate in discussions about them in their social circles.

* People who can't believe people spend hours watching such shows. Usually, they'll have one they used to like and are in a phase where they don't have time for this format anymore or have lost interest. In some cases, they want to show intellectual superiority.

So what do people and experts think about the reason why people love reality shows?

These are the quotes that I found most interesting about why people love reality TV shows:

Reality shows are popular because people like to watch others who are successful. Everyone wants to live a luxurious life and therefore want to see how other people live that sort of life. It is human nature to see what other people have and to want it, and reality shows are a way for people to see that life and wish they had it. These shows are outlets for people to be envious and feel as if that could’ve been them. It also makes people wonder if they had that life, would they act like that. Most people think they wouldn’t, and therefore make themselves feel better. - Brianna Hutchinson, SCTC

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Psychologists say it is based on the desire to be part of a specific crowd of people. By watching the show, one individual now has a similar interest with a group of people. Also, reality television allows people to imagine gaining fame through media exposure. People can simply sit and fantasise about becoming a celebrity themselves. - Daily American

Reality television in particular gives us a false sense that we really know the people we see on the screen. This sense of having a personal relationship is amplified with the 'reality' label, even though we are aware that its greatly exaggerated. Close ties between family and friends are at all-time lows. Over time, we come to see the folks portrayed on the screen as friends. We identify with their struggles and triumphs. It's much less time consuming to take in a half an hour television show than to connect with a friend.- Dr Jani Scrivani

We live vicariously through the experiences of the reality TV stars, from the safety of our own homes. We don’t actually have to risk our heart or our reputation when we vicariously live through the experiences of the reality show participants. - Dr. Carole Lieberman.

Why do you think people like reality shows so much?

I identify with the reason that we subconsciously aspire for certain types of lives or certain situations that we will never be able to live ourselves. Reality TV shows give us a way to experience what it's like to survive in a jungle, to be in a house with strangers and fulfil our impulses, to overcome our fear and showcase our talents to the world and a lot more.

We are able to do all these while avoiding the actual experience happening to us. Avoiding the embarrassment, heartache, trolling but also missing out on the glamour, fame and more. They also allow us to escape from our realities.

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It's an interesting phenomenon.

It's ironic that reality TV was originally created to reflect the realities of other people and perhaps help us navigate ours better. Nowadays though, it's more fun to watch shows that make us forget those realities and live in our imaginations.

What do you think about reality TV shows and why do you think people watch them? Share with your friends and see what their responses are.

What did you think of this week's letter?

I love it! ◌ I Like It ◌ Not Bad ◌ I Don’t Like It ◌It’s Awful

This musing was written while listening to King and LionHeart by Of Monsters and Men.

Companies can either pay to have you watch or in some instances, pay to have you watched.

Love always,

Francis.

Hey,

I hope you’re okay and well. Life is short. Life is random. Do things that you truly want to do for yourself. Not only because it’s what you’ve been programmed to do.

Stay curious. Stay Jiggy.

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I recently watched the Netflix Series: SEX LIFE.

A friend recommended it and after watching it, we had a chat about the movie. Not gonna give any spoilers but the central topic is that there was a lady who couldn't get over her attachment to her old lover.

An old lover that we can describe as a soulmate in this case. Regardless of what she did, she always went back to him. I discussed the concept of a soulmate with my friend and that conversation inspired this letter.

Image credit (I’m sure you can guess who the lover is)

To start, I was curious to find out where the idea of a soulmate came from.

According to PsychologyToday, the idea of a soul mate comes from the ancient tale of Aristophanes, a comic playwright, and contemporary of Plato.

Plato wrote about how Zeus was jealous of two-headed hermaphroditic giants with four feet and he cleaved them apart into beings with one head and two feet. Setting them up for an eternity of looking for their other halves.

This is the oldest material that we can attribute to the concept of soulmates but many people believe the concept is as old as mankind itself.

Do you believe in soulmates?

I asked a few friends this question and the results were mixed. Some people believe it, others don't.

What is a soulmate? The concept of a soulmate states that there is one person out there for everybody. With that person, we are a perfect match and we should ideally live happily ever after.

The interesting thing is that for folks like me who have been in multiple long-term relationships (and I think even for some short term ones), when you meet a great person, all the dots connect. Each long-term relationship I have been in can lay claim to giving me the soulmate feeling.

The flaws in the concept of a soulmate

* There is no 100% fit: No two people are the same, nor are meant to be. In every relationship that lasts long enough, you eventually start to identify 'bad' sides/attributes of your partner, both ways.

* Humans are not static: As much as we like to believe we have a core identity and that we're that person for life, it's not true. Our beliefs, mannerisms, priorities, approach to life and pretty much every other thing change.

Yes, core principles might remain the same but the expression of our lives changes as we go through different phases of life and face different circumstances. For the soulmate concept to work, our destined partner would have to change in the exact same way for us to remain soulmates.

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* Population: There are close to 8 billion people in the world. Let's even scale it down. In your locale, there are probably 1million+ people. What is the probability that of the 8 billion people in the world, your one and only soulmate is in that group of 1 million?

In many instances, people who have lived and died in locales of less than 50,000 people have claimed to have found their soulmates.

* Francis' Randomization theory: Let's even assume that your soulmate is in that 1million+ population, billions of random events have to occur during your lifetime for you to find yourself in the same place and time with your soulmate. And you both have to be in a similar age group, social class etc for a conversation/connection to happen.

The church you go to. Your secondary school. Your university. The type of amala you like. Your choice of hairdo. Your confidence.

There are just too many variables to make the math work.

Deep-Down, we all long for a soulmate

Even if you're shaking your head in agreement that you don't believe in soulmates, it still affects us all.

A Marist 2011 survey showed that 73% of Americans believe in soulmates. Another study showed that over 90% of people get advice on love from movies, television and other forms of media. 33% get it from Mothers and a measly 17% from Fathers (Yet, Bachen & Illouz 1996).

The point here is that whether we like it or not, we have been sold the image of a perfect relationship and marriage. The mere fact that the phrase 'happily-ever-after' exists is a testament to this. We have been programmed to think that a relationship with eternal joy and zero issues exist. And we subconsciously aspire to it.

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It is an important question that lies in the depths of our hearts in each relationship we get into. It then gets heightened when you're at the stage where you have to decide who your life partner is. You wonder if this is the person that will be your happily-ever-after.

Francis' Percentage Theory of Connections

In a scene in SEX LIFE, the lady goes to see her therapist to help her as she tries to decide whether to stick with her stable husband or go back to her sexually adventurous soulmate. He asked her to rate on a 100% scale how much of what she wants in a partner is present in her husband. She says 85%.

Granted, most of the remaining 15% was sex-related in her case, I find that the analogy is a good framework for thinking about how we select the best possible partners.

If you think back on most relationships that you've had, you can likely rate how much of what is important to you each of your partners had. . My first long-term relationship will be somewhere around 55% while the 2nd one was around 75% (I wouldn't tell you what number I'm on now, lol)

For us to go into any relationship, the percentage is likely above 40% ish.

I think that what people describe as 'soulmates' are people that you achieve a high percentage of alignment with. Say 85%-90% and above. You guys click so much that you can't believe such a person exists in the world.

The challenge with the % scale though is that while you might hit a 90% with someone, components of the missing 10% might be things that are vital to you and are deal breakers for you.

Another thing that we should be conscious of is that growth is part of human life. And by definition, when growth happens, change occurs as well. Negative or Positive.

So the components of your 90% as a 20 years old student will likely be different when you're 25 y/o young adult trying to make sense of life. It'll be different at 30, 40, 45, 50 and so on.

While writing this letter, I asked folks on my WhatsApp status if they believe in soulmates and Victoria shared my favourite responses:

We make our soulmates.

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Perhaps we should approach our quest for the right partner in a different way. With the growth mindset.

The mindset that you'll grow with your partner. This mindset takes into consideration that you're both not perfect. While there might be things you both connect strongly to, there will be some things that are important to either party that is missing in their partner.

With a growth mindset, when you find someone that's high enough on your percentage bar. Someone who treats you right and has some of the attributes that are most important to you, you then grow with each other. You learn about the other person's wishes. You bring down your walls and let them know about the things you wish they had as well.

In my little experience of practising this mindset, your percentage alignment goes up and you build a bond that is strong enough to tolerate those attributes that'll likely never change.

I think this is more sustainable than the destiny mindset that there is one person out there who has all you need and for whom all your attributes are perfect. I don't think that's mathematically possible.

On the Flip Side

I also believe that the growth mindset can help people go through breakups better or make a decision on relationships that they want to break away from. For the latter, there's often the thought that there's no one else out there for you. That if you lose this person, your life is over and no one can ever love you the way they did.

There are close to 8 billion people in the world. There is a very high probability that there are at least 100,000 people out there that you'll have an 80%+ alignment with. You just gotta apply a growth mindset to make the rest of it work.

What do you think? Do you believe in soulmates? If you don't, what do you believe in? How do you make a decision about choosing the right partner?

What did you think of this week's letter?

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“I prefer to live like a lion in the jungle than to stay like a dog in the city.” - Sound Sultan.

I was sad to hear about the passing of the legendary Sound Sultan this morning. He was one of my favorite artists. I listened to him a lot when growing up and his “Jungle Story” play is one of my favorite theatre plays of all time.

I dedicate today’s letter to his memory. He lived a life of expression and was never scared to use his talent & platform to tell stories he believed. May his life be an inspiration to us all.

A jo o da bi ile (No place like home). Stay Jiggy always.

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My first memory of the death of someone close to me was around age 10/11. Mr FAGADE was husband to the headmistress of my primary school. My mum worked in the school and the family housed us for a few months after the Ife/Modakeke war drove us from our home and made us homeless for a short period.

He had white hair and I have good, though fuzzy, memories of him. I remember looking in his casket and not feeling much. I couldn't understand it and was more interested in the free puff-puff and snacks aplenty on that cloudy evening.

As the years went by, I was mostly shielded from the experience of losing someone really close to me. I lost a number of acquaintances, folks from the church community, a university classmate and more. In my experience though, you don't feel it as much until it comes close to home.

The first close person to me that I lost was Tosin Anifalaje who we lost in a car accident on his way to his NYSC posting in 2016. Tosin was a part of my group of friends from post-university life. For one year after I graduated from school, I lived with my brother and a couple of other friends in a house in Ife.

In our group of 10 friends, Tosin was the most eccentric of all. His humour, energy and cunning were unmatched. I was the last of our group to see him because he went to the park with my ATM card and I had to go meet him to get it back. When I heard about his passing, I cried for hours and miss him to this day.

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Despite how close Tosin was to me and other good people in my life that I've lost, coming to terms with death never came to me fully. I call it 'coming to terms with death' because as a society, we shelve all talks of death and there's a taboo that comes with discussing it. It almost feels as though we don't want to talk about it so it doesn't happen to us.

Everyone knows death is one of the few constant things in life. It will happen to all of us. I don't think we all live life with a full understanding of this though.

We're on this large planet. With close to 8 billion people. Hundreds of countries. Thousands of cultures. Millions of experiences.

Yet, we usually live very limited lives. And I'm not speaking from a standpoint of travelling and experiencing the world (people should def do this if they have the resources to do so). I'm speaking from the general standpoint of living life, going outside of the 'limitations' that society & our upbringing have placed on us, exploring our interests, being our true selves publicly, living a life of love and more.

It would be interesting to get data about how experiencing the loss of someone close changes people and their approach to life. I know that I for one will be included in that dataset if that research is ever done.

In the second week of October in 2020, my eldest brother decided on a whim that he was going to come to Lagos from Kebbi where he was based. He was around for one week. We played video games, went out and had fun as always. I remember putting his bag in the taxi as he left for the airport, hugging him and saying that we'll see in December for our usual end of the year turn up.

He passed on October 30 and left a hole in my heart. He was my big brother and had my back always especially in all the periods where I make bad decisions.

It was when I lost him that the deep feeling of losing someone finally hit me fully. It helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I became comfortable with the truth that death will happen to all of us.

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This might be a mental technique to reduce the hurt that'll come as I lose more people in my remaining years on earth. But it's also very useful. When you come to terms with the fact that our time here is limited, you begin to act like it more intentionally.

The loss helped me become more curious about our minute role in this factory called the human race which produces billions of people every century. People have lived before us and many more will come after us.

We can choose the role we want to play and contribute to an aspect of life that we align with. If we align with multiple aspects, we should explore as many of them as possible. We should be good to others regardless of their status and phase of life. Not only because it is a good thing to do but why should we do any different?

A question I ask myself nowadays is: If my life ended today, would I have lived the life I wanted to live?

Increasingly, the answer to this is nearing a yes. It is increasingly becoming my North Star and my daily muse: Am I living the life I want to live? Not from a materialistic standpoint but from an experience and fulfilment standpoint.

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I'm curious to know what the experience has been like for other people who have lost someone close. I know that losing someone often has different effects on people depending on the circumstances.

Some people lose parents and key people in their lives early on and this shapes their life. Some people lose their life partners earlier than they would have liked. Sometimes, the circumstances through which we lose people can hurt deeply, inflict trauma on us and change the course of lives.

It's so diverse and if you're open to sharing, I'll be happy to read your story. It's been less than a year since I lost Showki and its effect is still unravelling in my life.

What effect has losing someone close to you had on your life? Share with me in the comments section or as a response to this letter wherever you find it.

My prayers and thoughts are with the family of Sound Sultan and everybody out there living through the experience of losing someone close. Love and light to you all.

What did you think of this week's letter?

I love it! ◌ I Like It ◌ Not Bad ◌ I Don’t Like It ◌It’s Awful

This letter was written while listening to a playlist of SoundSultan.

Love always.

Francis.

Hey guys,

How are you? I hope you’re doing okay. Sending all of the love and light from my heart to you.

We often tend to not express our true selves when in social gatherings because we’re conscious of the impression we’ll give people. But when we find ourselves in gatherings where everyone is expressing themselves, we are able to open up better.

I’m prioritizing expressing myself regardless of the vibe other people in my environment are giving off. As long as we’re not hurting someone or being inappropriate, we should express our true selves more. That’s living to me.

Stay expressive. Stay Jiggy.

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As of 10:05 am on Sunday, July 4th, there were 7.876 billion people in the world. This is a massive number.

All these people. Spread across the world. Many never leaving their countries or only ever getting to visit some parts of the world. When you think about it, what each of these people understands as 'life' in different parts of the world will be so far apart.

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A kid that grows up in Australia and lives there all her life experiences something entirely different from a kid that grows up in Kazakhstan. They each go through an average of 60 - 80 years of their life that is so different from each other.

Diversity is the very crux of humans.

I grew up with 4 siblings. We lived together in the same environments for 14 - 16+ years. Yet, our personalities, beliefs and aspirations are very different. If a small and closely-knit family can have such diversity, how much more people from different regions who grew up with their own unique experiences.

Each human experiences a unique life. No two are ever the same. Finding two humans that are the same is probably one of the few things in the world that is truly IMPOSSIBLE.

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Despite all of this, I have observed that it is often hard to understand why something we feel so strongly about is not as relevant to someone else.

For instance, Diosa is big on gifts. She treasures them when she receives them and is very intentional about the gifts she gets for people. On the other hand, I'm not so bothered. I appreciate gifts if I receive them but I don't expect them. When I give gifts, I don't care much about what the person does with them.

This difference in approach to gifts could be linked to our background, experience when growing up or something else.

This holds true for many other things in life. Our religious beliefs, our approach to risk, our aspirations and many more. What is truth for someone might not make sense to another.

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It is however very easy to feel strongly about our truth and invalidate the other person's beliefs/opinions. Because we do not understand it, we conclude that it doesn't make sense or that the person is less smart than us since they don't understand our opinion and many more.

However, understanding that because something is truth to you doesn't make a different opinion a lie or wrong is important.

It's important for coexisting. For building relationships. For staying open-minded to new beliefs, information and approaches to life. For empathizing with people.

How are we going to learn new things or gain new experiences if we're only looking for people that'll only reinforce our existing opinions and beliefs?

Even if we do not agree with someone else's opinion/belief, it doesn't mean it's wrong. The same way you feel so strongly about your belief is the same way they feel about theirs.

I've also learnt that understanding other people's beliefs and getting a better sense of why they believe what they believe is also a better path to introducing them to your belief. They can then decide based on facts available to them if it's something they want to explore.

If they decide not to explore it, they are not lesser human beings. You might not be better off than them. They just have a different truth. That truth might change later and it might not. But it doesn't make it a lie.

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That said. Something I like to say about truths that you guys have probably heard before is that our truth is usually based on our environment and experiences. It might actually not be the best truth or the truth your soul longs for and aligns with.

Many of our truths were instilled in us by our parents and influential figures in our lives. In many instances, it was their own truth. Someone else's truth doesn't have to be yours. Be open to evaluating your truth and making an informed decision based on your current stage in life.

There are 7.86 billion people with different truths. Diversity and difference is the norm, not the outlier.

What did you think of this week's letter?

I love it! ◌ I Like It ◌ Not Bad ◌ I Don’t Like It ◌It’s Awful

Musing in Your Head

What do you think about the invalidation of people’s truths? In what ways can we be more conscious of this in our daily lives.

This letter was written while listening to Icebox by Omarion.

Diversity is the very crux of humans.

Love always,

Francis.

Hey,

I hope you’re doing okay. We’re close to the middle of the year. If you’re like me, you probably feel like the year has gone by too fast. You wonder if you’ve achieved all you wanted to.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on all the little wins we’ve had this year. There are so many of them. Let’s appreciate them and not focus on the things we’re yet to achieve.

All that is meant to happen will happen in due time.

Stay Jiggy.

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"When a “fact” tastes good and is repeated enough, we tend to believe it, no matter how false it may be. Understanding the illusory truth effect can keep us from being bamboozled." — Shane Parrish.

I recently came across the concept of the Illusory Truth Effect.

It is essentially the phenomenon where repeating a statement increases the belief that it is true when the statement is actually false.

Most of us will naturally think that we know better. That we are able to sift between the information that we get exposed to and easily identify what is true and what is not.

On average, false stories reach 1,500 people six times faster than true stories do — Science journal

We have to make about 35,000 decisions each day. That's a lot of decisions and our brain optimizes to reduce the amount of cognitive load on our brains as much as possible.

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Like I discussed last week with the deep dive on how we're subconscious 95% of the time, this results in a situation where we do things without being fully aware of them.

This makes it easy for us to fail in situations where we are faced with the illusory truth effect.

If I set up a Twitter account, acquire 100 active followers and tweet this statement every day for 1 month: Earthquakes happen in Australia every week.

At the end of that month, there's a high likelihood that more than 50% of my active followers will respond yes if they're asked if earthquakes happen in Australia every week.

“The sad truth is the truth is sad.” - Lemony Snicket

If I included a false fact in this letter every week for 1 month, you're likely to think it's true.

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The weird thing is that this happens even for statements that we know are wrong before we were exposed to these repeated false statements. If we are exposed for long enough to the lies, we would believe them over the truths we know.

I find this concept important to be aware of. One thing it does for me is that it reminds me that we should not always be insistent on certain statements and beliefs but remember that there's always room for error. Especially when the source of those statements is subjective.

We've all found ourselves in situations where we were very insistent on something in an argument only to be humbled when the facts were revealed

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It also highlights the importance of staying open-minded and searching for information by ourselves. There's a possibility that some of the beliefs and learnings that we learnt during our childhood/adolescence were illusory truths.

Don't be ready to bet your prized possessions or your life on a fact that you're not sure of. No matter how long you've believed it to be true. You might be shocked that it's an illusion.

What did you think of this week's letter?

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Musings in Your Head

What are some instances where you’ve fallen to the Illusory truth effect? What do you think we can do to protect ourselves against it?

Share with me in the comments section.

This letter was written while listening to Video Games by Lana Del Rey (It’s been on repeat all week)

Recommended Reads

* The Illusory Truth Effect: Why We Believe Fake News, Conspiracy Theories and Propaganda

* Why do we believe misinformation more easily when it’s repeated many times?

“If a lie is only printed often enough, it becomes a quasi-truth, and if such a truth is repeated often enough, it becomes an article of belief, a dogma, and men will die for it.” — Isa Blagden

Love always,

Francis.

Hey,

I hope you’re doing okay. I heard a great saying in church today:

A grain has to die in the soil for it to grow. When it’s in the soil, it looks as though no progress is happening. There’s progress, it’s just not manifesting yet.

Focus on the process. Your grain will continue to flourish.

Stay Jiggy.

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Picture yourself standing at the foot of a staircase. You're about to go upstairs. Ten seconds later, you've climbed the stairs and are on the next floor.

For each step that you took as you climbed the stairs, did you think about how to move your leg? Did you think about the specific height you needed to raise your foot to climb each stair properly? Likely not.

Let's say you get on a boat for the first time. You've never been on a boat before but you wouldn't want everyone to know that. You dig into your memory bank to picture how to act on a boat. If you've seen how people behave on boats in movies or somewhere else in the past, you'll likely be fine. You'll know what to do, to an extent.

Let's do another one. Let's take sport or learning a new skill. I'll use Table Tennis as an example. When you first start playing tennis, you'll have to learn how to hold the bat. You'll learn how to hit the ball to ensure it gets into your opponent's side of the table and not yours. Over time, you'll learn how to make curves with the ball and more advanced moves.

If you play the game every week for three months. At the end of that three month period, when you play tennis, you'll move the bat the right way without thinking about it. You'll hit the ball with the right power and curve almost with intuition and without 'thinking' about it.

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These are all examples of our subconscious mind at work.

I've always been intrigued by the concept of the subconscious. Growing up, I read a lot of 'motivational' books (and I still consume lots of inspiration material) and positive thinking is pretty big in that world. They talk a lot about the power of the subconscious mind and how you can leverage its power for growth, happiness and success.

However, there's rarely talk about what exactly the subconscious is. Why it exists. How it works. Why our knowledge of it is important for us.

I aim to explore these in this letter.

What is the subconscious mind?

The subconscious is the part of our mind that stores and retrieves data. When we are conscious, we are 'aware'. We can understand and process things that are going on in our environment. The subconscious is our 'unaware' state.

It is always on. It is always working.

Our subconscious stores everything. We get exposed to so much information each day and we forget up to 99% of what happens on a daily basis. But that information isn't lost. It goes to our databank that is the subconscious. It's like a computer program that our conscious state can call on when needed.

It is common for us to think that we are in constant control of our thoughts and our actions but we are not. It has been scientifically proven that 90-95% of our behaviour is directed by our subconscious while our conscious takes care only of 5-10%.

Most of what we do goes on unconsciously. It is the exception, not the rule when thinking is conscious, but by its very nature [i.e., because we cannot experience anything else], conscious thought seems the only sort. It is not the only sort; it is the minority. - Roy Lachman, Janet Lachman, and Earl Butterfield.

Our subconscious is like an operating system. A computer hard drive with information stored from before we were born. It captures information and helps guide our behaviour, beliefs and actions based on our learned experiences.

We learned how to walk a long time ago, so we don't need to dedicate conscious processing power to it.

Our Conscious Provides Guidance

If the subconscious is so rich in data. How much of this data do we leverage?

In some situations where we're trying so hard to solve a challenge or find answers to something that's going on in our life, we're likely putting too much processing on the conscious mind. If we relaxed, we would likely be able to tap into our deep subconscious which has massive data points that we can draw from.

In some other situations, our subconscious can be restrictive. Since it informs a huge amount of our behaviour, we might be executing programs that are not the best ones. Take the concept of gender equality as an example. For folks like me who grew up in an African home & culture, the male gender is positioned to be superior to the female gender.

Over my lifetime, this is the information that my subconscious has been exposed to. So naturally, if I find myself in a situation where I need to make a decision/take an action related to this, that is the program that my brain runs.

I have gotten to a point where I've found new information about this programming. It differs from what I was taught and the argument that this is a better program to imbibe makes sense to me. So gradually, I start telling myself that I need to upgrade this programming and replace the old one.

I've always pondered the question: Who am I?

Beyond the attributes that we label ourselves with. What is that inner compass that guides and forms what we think of ourselves? I've done some research and I'm still yet to have a comprehensive answer to that question.

Understanding the subconscious provides some understanding though. It provides the understanding that we are all a set of programs. We have different programs that have been coded for different parts of our lives. "This is the way I am" sometimes is a culmination of how we have programmed ourselves to see the world or react in certain instances.

Can it be changed entirely? I don't think so. Can some elements change though? I absolutely think so.

I also think that this is a good way to help people understand why they should keep an open mind to life. The belief you are so insistent on. The way of life that you think is the only way. The skills that you've told yourself you're not great at. It is not the total truth.

For many of them, they are meant to be updated. They are programs that were written sometimes without your approval. They were written before you could make the decision about what you want. And when you got to the point where you could make that decision, your opinion was probably guided by those old beliefs and your environment.

But it doesn't mean that's the only programming that exists. When you expose yourself to new information/ways of doing things, you might unlock some capacity you were previously unaware of. At least give yourself a chance to make that decision by yourself. If you go down that path and still decide it's not worthy, you can then reinforce your subconscious programming.

One of the best examples of the role of the subconscious in my life is in my typing ability.

About 6 years ago, I decided that I wanted to learn how to type without looking at the keyboard. I looked for software to learn it and I would spend my bedtime hours almost every day practising this skill.

At the beginning, my speed of typing dropped from 40 wpm (words per minute) to about 20wpm. I also had to be conscious each time I was typing in those early days to ensure that I was placing my fingers on the right key on the keyboard.

Nowadays, my typing speed is about 70-80 wpm and I dedicate almost ZERO processing power to thinking about the keys when I'm typing. Somehow, my fingers know where the right keys are and it does it automatically. All I have to do is think about what I actually want to type. I can type at the speed of my thought because I've freed up conscious processing power that I used to share with typing on the keyboard.

I wonder how many more areas of my life I'm dedicating conscious energy to that I can leverage the subconscious a lot more.

How we can train our subconscious

Based on my research, there are two ways we can train our subconscious to create new behaviours, modify old beliefs, learn new skills and more.

* Repetition: You likely know about the popular 10,000-hour rule. It states that when you go past the 10,000-hour mark in a skill/area of focus, you attain mastery. This makes sense seeing that the subconscious has been provided with so much data. With little effort, the conscious mind can work miracles on such data.

Many simple changes we need to make though don't require that many hours. We just have to repeat them long enough. So if you want to take up a new habit, repeat it for as long as possible. The same goes for new skills, modifying some beliefs, changing our attitudes and more. We can rewrite our truth.

* Hypnosis: To be fair, I don't understand this fully yet and my conscious mind wasn't able to process it, lol. That said, think of it like deep meditation.

In a hypnotic state, you are able to access your deepe