Leigh & Pierre Part 1 of 3: When your Kid Doesn’t Want to Talk

Leigh & Pierre Part 3 of 3: When Your Kid is Having a Meltdown

This episode is the third and final session with Leigh and Pierre whose nearly 5-year-old daughter Jean has big emotional reactions. Leslie explores how her big emotions and reactions part of a bigger picture of anxiety, perfectionism, and discomfort with vulnerability - things so many children struggle with. And it's no surprise that Leigh and Pierre have their own history and journeys with anxiety and vulnerability. Leslie talks about ways to manage anxiety in the day to day as well as in heightened emotional states for both parents and children. Leslie also recommends teaching mindfulness at an early age because you can’t “control” those big emotional reactions in your child but with mindfulness, you can control how you and your child respond to them.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 Step one when facing challenging situations - make a list, visualize it, and carry it with you. “Take anxiety with you when you travel” metaphorically.
• When you get new information from an evaluation
• 9:53 Strategies to use when your child is having really big reactions
  • Using a change in temperature to help calm your child
• 11:25 Teach your child the TIPP Skills from DIalectic Behavior Therapy - TIPP Skill
• 12:25 When do you teach the skills to your child
• 13:28 How do we know if somethings not working - what does success look like when you're teaching skills to your child
• 15:20 Mindful awareness of anxiety/discomfort
  • Observe and describe
  • Choose what you want to be mindful to
  • Radical Acceptance: “it is what it is”
  • Self-talk and Encouragement
• 19:27 Teaching mindfulness to our even if there’s nothing wrong - expose them to the concept of mindfulness at an early age so they can grow into - use it the word itself
• 21:55 Mindfulness exercises as a family connection and togetherness
• 24:30 Dealing with your child’s big reactions in public - be compassionate with yourself
• 26:37 The Power of Vulnerability - Learning to deal with the discomfort of the moment
• 28:32 What a child needs from their parent

Resources:

• “Packing Anxiety with You” video
• Victor Frankle Quote Image
• Leslie’s Handout on Breathing Mindfulness Exercises
• Video Bubble Bounce! Mindfulness for Children - a practical video to teach and practice your mindfulness skills
• "The Diving Reflex" video demonstrating one of the TIPP Skills - T: temperature change activating the diving reflex to help you calm down
• Handout explaining TIPP Skills from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Leslie-ism: Take a breath, take a pause and pay attention to what happens.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and

Leigh & Pierre Part 2 of 3: When Your Kid Likes to be in Control

This episode is part two of a three part series with Leigh and Pierre who have two daughters, Jean, almost 5 years old and Nina, 2 years old. This episode explores two very common parenting patterns: we want our children to fit in, and we don’t want our children to suffer in ways we may have suffered. And yet, trying to force those things causes a different kind of suffering. Leigh and Pierre also seek to gain understanding of what they describe as Jean’s “controlling behavior”. Leslie supports Leigh and Pierre to understand the controlling behavior from the perspective of identifying its causes and function. These behaviors may be relatable for many families especially as it relates to anxiety.

Time Stamps

• 3:15 When parents replace the pressure to be like a “normal kid” with giving themselves permission to “not worry” or to accept who their child is
• 3:55 Wanting the best for your child and what that means
• 5:45 What it means when your child is a people pleaser
• 9:35 Children who are “observers”are actively learning an
• 11:10 Assessing what is a child’s behavior of shutting down communicating
• I may not be ready
• I maybe be overstimulated
• There may be too much going on
• I don’t know what is expected of me
• I don’t like what is expected of me
• 13:50 The fear of what will happen to my child as an adult
• 15:15 Defining exposure work to teach children that they are capable of handling uncomfortable situations
• 17:10 Assessing why some children will NOT try something new or shutdown
• Afraid of being watched
• Perfectionism - I have to do it well or I don’t want to do it at all
• Not feeling safe
• Feeling like she is not in control
• 20:05 How to give a child a sense of personal control
• 25:35 When making travel plans - Use paper and pencil to make it concrete
• List what things will be fun and easy
• List what things will be challenging and hard
• Remember to add a space for unknowns and surprises that may happen
• 31:31 What skills you can use if your child is in emotion mind - See the TIPP skills in show notes
• Cold compress, cold air
• Intense exercise
• Parents talking quietly so your child has to listen
• Parents talking about something that will catch your child’s attention

Resources:

• TIPP SKILLS HANDOUT when your child is in emotion mind - and they cannot use other skills past their skills breakdown point
• Articles explaining exposure therapy for children:
  • Facing Fears: How exposure therapy can help children with Anxiety
  • Exposure Therapy: Definition, Types, Approaches and More

Leslie-ism: Try to let go of who you think your child should be, so they can grow into their best self.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and par

Leigh & Pierre Part 1 of 3: When your Kid Doesn’t Want to Talk

This is part one of a three-part series with parents Leigh and Pierre. Leigh is from the US and Pierre is from France, and they moved their family from France to the states one year ago. They have two children - almost 5 yr old Jean and 2 year old Nina. However, they came to Leslie to talk about Jean who is not speaking outside of her immediate family. Over time, Leigh and Pierre have heard the diagnosis “selective mutism” and have made changes accordingly, but they’re still struggling with what they should do. In this episode Leslie walks Leigh and Pierre through an assessment of why a child might be selectively speaking. While there are lots of causes, they mostly boil down to vulnerability. Is Jean stressing about her learning two languages at once? Struggling with perfectionism? Or Is she not feeling safe when she’s out in the world? We ask these questions and many more in this session

Time Stamps

• Selective Mutism
• Parents explain how they’re reacting to their child’s struggles
• When parents can relate to their struggles - is there a genetic component
• Developing an avoidant behavior: the child speaks when they feel safe
• Confidence, safety, willingness: 3 important things, without them child is left feeling vulnerable
• Talk about what perfectionism looks like in kids and adults. Perfectionism and its relationship to anxiety
• Practice being vulnerable - the problem with avoiding or suppressing those uncomfortable emotions. Some kids gravitate to only wanting to experience the pleasant emotions
• Practice learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation
• Indirect ways to support:
  • Letting child use nonverbal and indirect communication (and validating it)
  • When you’re with other people, practice talking (not to them, but around them)
  • Tell them “can you give yourself practice making a mistake”

Resources:

• The podcast Well, Hello Anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson episode on selective mutism
• Other resources on selective mutism

Leslie-ism: What is the loud and clear message you may be sending to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Special Guests Dale and Carrie Rubury: When your Sibling is the “Monster” Child

Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.

About our guests:

Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness.

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant

Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Is My Child a Monster? S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale Rubury

Leslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us to respect people for who they are

Leslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.

Timestamps:

• 1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other
• 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”
• 12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”
• 16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective
• 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean
  • It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’s
  • Give compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment
  • Connect to the child who is the “victim”

Molly & Alastair Part 4 of 4: When Everyone in the Family has a little bit of Anxiety

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.

Time Stamps

• 5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or society
  • It’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painful
  • It’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”
  • If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s fault
  • It’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy
• 7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle
• 7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad.
  • Use the phrase: That’s your version, this is my version.
• 10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives
• 11:15 Molly added the expression: Don’t yuk someone else’s yum
• 14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety
• 16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety
• 18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)
• 19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itself
  • Suppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a hole
  • Get into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"
• 21:55 Modeling for your children
• willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.
• Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmas

Resources:

• Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Video of The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts:
  • Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness
  • Myths about Emotions

Leslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and