This is part one of a three-part series with parents Leigh and Pierre. Leigh is from the US and Pierre is from France, and they moved their family from France to the states one year ago. They have two children - almost 5 yr old Jean and 2 year old Nina. However, they came to Leslie to talk about Jean who is not speaking outside of her immediate family. Over time, Leigh and Pierre have heard the diagnosis “selective mutism” and have made changes accordingly, but they’re still struggling with what they should do. In this episode Leslie walks Leigh and Pierre through an assessment of why a child might be selectively speaking. While there are lots of causes, they mostly boil down to vulnerability. Is Jean stressing about her learning two languages at once? Struggling with perfectionism? Or Is she not feeling safe when she’s out in the world? We ask these questions and many more in this session

Time Stamps

• Selective Mutism
• Parents explain how they’re reacting to their child’s struggles
• When parents can relate to their struggles - is there a genetic component
• Developing an avoidant behavior: the child speaks when they feel safe
• Confidence, safety, willingness: 3 important things, without them child is left feeling vulnerable
• Talk about what perfectionism looks like in kids and adults. Perfectionism and its relationship to anxiety
• Practice being vulnerable - the problem with avoiding or suppressing those uncomfortable emotions. Some kids gravitate to only wanting to experience the pleasant emotions
• Practice learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation
• Indirect ways to support:
  • Letting child use nonverbal and indirect communication (and validating it)
  • When you’re with other people, practice talking (not to them, but around them)
  • Tell them “can you give yourself practice making a mistake”

Resources:

• The podcast Well, Hello Anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson episode on selective mutism
• Other resources on selective mutism

Leslie-ism: What is the loud and clear message you may be sending to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.

About our guests:

Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness.

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant

Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Is My Child a Monster? S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale Rubury

Leslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us to respect people for who they are

Leslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.

Timestamps:

• 1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other
• 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”
• 12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”
• 16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective
• 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean
  • It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’s
  • Give compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment
  • Connect to the child who is the “victim”

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.

Time Stamps

• 5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or society
  • It’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painful
  • It’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”
  • If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s fault
  • It’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy
• 7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle
• 7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad.
  • Use the phrase: That’s your version, this is my version.
• 10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives
• 11:15 Molly added the expression: Don’t yuk someone else’s yum
• 14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety
• 16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety
• 18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)
• 19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itself
  • Suppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a hole
  • Get into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"
• 21:55 Modeling for your children
• willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.
• Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmas

Resources:

• Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Video of The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts:
  • Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness
  • Myths about Emotions

Leslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and

Today’s episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations. In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship. In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.

Time Stamps

• 3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more
• 4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust
• 5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment
• 5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment
• 6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down
  • Worry and stress about kids getting along
  • Desire to do things right causes us stress
• 9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset
• 11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy
• 11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.
• 12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.
• 13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:
  • You can say “Is that working for you”
  • come in with a neutral non-judgmental stance
  • You can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle”
  • You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”
• 19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right
• 21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior
• 26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it
  • One minute check in
  • Expect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting
  • Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on point

Resources:

• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Handout on Seeing the Positive Intention of Another Person’s Behavior

Leslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?

Time Stamps:

• 5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child’s problem or is it the parent’s problem
• 7:07 Definition of power struggle
• 8:15 What happens if the parent give in
• 9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation
• Strategies to deal with power struggles
  • 12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)
  • 12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process
  • 12:54 Do a pros and cons
  • 13:34 Notice and name what’s going on
  • 14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”
• 15:20 How to give the problem back to your child
• 19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child’s blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion
• 23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents
• 27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child’s imagination
• 27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem
• 28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child
• 30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!
• 32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don’t end up re-experiencing
• 35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities
• 36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemma

Resources:

• Handout titled: Whose Problem is it?
• Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief system

Leslie-ism: When you don’t like a Child’s response use the phrase “Try Again”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one of the three part series with Molly and Alastair. These parents have 2 children who are very different. Elizabeth is 8 years old and is an easy going kid. Katherine is a high energy 4 year old with intense emotions and more challenging behaviors. While the parents originally reached out to Leslie for help with their youngest, this episode ended up focusing a little more on their eldest. How exactly can a parent make sure they’re still there for a child when they don’t need literal support? Turns out children may not need the same level of support but they do need the same level of connection. Leslie also discusses sibling dynamics, the myth of the “oldest sibling,” mom guilt, and more.

Time Stamps

• 8:30 Birth order traits - the oldest daughter who feels responsible for the younger sibling
• 8:44 Pet peeve when parents say “YOU are the big sister” Or “you should act like the big sister”
• Tuning into our children - leads to strong attachments
• Observing our children help children feel like their parents see them and understand them
• 12:55 Name the dilemmas - you want to take care of your sister AND you want to play with your own friends
• 15:11 Metaphor of needing to go shopping, but prioritizing which store you can make it to today vs next shopping trip (drugstore, shoe store and grocery store)
• 15:48 There is a difference between what’s important to you and what’s the priority of the moment
• 22:07 She may not need the same level of support, but she does need the same level of connection.
• 25:22 The child coming from a secure, safe and validating environment is more prepared to cope with life challenges
• 28:10 Mom’s narrative - I was the capable one
• 29:00 How to reassure and support Elizabeth (the “easy” child)
• Create a tool box:
  • 29:33 Notice and name her behavior
  • 29:47 Get rid of narrative of “you are the older sister or the big sister”
  • 30:45 Validate the hard parts
  • 35:00 If I had a magic wand
• 31:36 What happens when the parent grew up with a sibling with disabilities
• 33:36 Save the stories of your childhood when its not in the moment of emotional upset
• 36:01 The metaphor of instruments in an orchestra - treating each musical instrument differently
• 38:21 Whose problem is it?
• 39:24 Myth - it's not ok for others to be upset with me. (mom still struggles with this)

Resources:

• Newsletter on myths that may be guiding your parenting that you may want to question, titled " Have you Outgrown your Childhood Beliefs?
• Video on how to deal with conflicting needs or wants using a metaphor of which store you choose to go to
• Video: Orchestra Metaphor on how need to treat each instrument differently and with respect

Leslie-ism: Remember to use “if I had a magic wand”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié,

Today’s bonus episode is with special guest Jamilah Lemieux, and it’s all about therapy. Leslie and Jamilah discuss things like figuring out when to take your child to therapy, how to find therapists for all needs, how to talk to your kids about taking them to therapy, and more If you’re curious about therapy, for yourself or your kids or both, be sure to check out our resources. With some help, anyone can begin the journey to a better self.

About the guests: Jamilah Lemieux is an American writer, cultural critic, and editor. She rose to prominence for her blog, The Beautiful Struggler. She has worked for Ebony, Cassius Magazine, and Interactive One, part of Radio One, Inc. Lemieux currently writes a parenting column and co-hosts for Slate's Care and Feeding Podcastformerly known as Mom & Dad Are Fighting.

Resources:

• Resources for finding therapy
  • Jed Foundation’s How to find a culturally competent therapist which provides many resources for finding a therapist of color
    • Therapy for Black Girls
  • Psychology Today is a nationwide directory for therapists that can be sorted by location, insurance, specialty, and more.
• What Good is Therapy: An article about the balance of insight and change as goals for therapy
• What kind of therapy do I need? A general review of the types of therapy, the types of therapists and other questions
• A Glossary of Therapy Approaches and Modalities A very extensive list of the types of therapy modalities.
• Five Tips to Discuss Therapy with Their Child Handout by Andrea Dorn

Listen to Leslie’s guest appearances on Slate’s Mom and Dad are Fighting Podcast

• My Kid Refuses Therapy. I Think She Needs It Slates parenting podcast on helping your kid feel better…and feel heard. July 20,2023
• Is My Child a Monster? Slate’s parenting podcast on what we can learn from family therapy. July 24, 2023

Leslie-ism: Take the time to learn about therapy so you can recognize a good fit

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Commu

This week’s episode is our last with single mother of three Salimah. After three sessions focusing on each one of her children, today Leslie turns the attention to Salimah and the many roles that she plays. Let’s face it, being a parent is hard. It’s important for parents to supply themselves with an anti-burnout toolkit while also giving themselves grace. In addition to learning to reduce and prevent burnout, Leslie and Salimah also talk candidly about how to advocate for yourself, how to ask for help, and how to get the support and validation you need from your community (and not just from your kids).

Time Stamps

• 6:47 “Kiss your brain” an expression of compassion when you are trying to be kind to yourself
• 8:50 Parents should give themselves grace
• 13:51 Braided hair analogy: the separate strands represent each child and you are them, woven together
• 17:18 Correcting other people when they get your name wrong - why that can be so hard
• 26:23 Praise vs feedback
• Tool box for burnout:
  • 10:43 Lowering expectations
  • 14:45 Get in touch with your values and beliefs
  • 21:07 Punctuate your life with pauses and taking breaks
  • 25:14 & 30:45 Get someone to acknowledge how hard you work
  • 26:56 Give yourself credit for effort
  • 28:00 Keep your head down and stay present
  • 33:30 & 36:39 Learn to ask for help
  • 34:31 Random acts of kindness
• 37:39 When asking for help: How do you make sure you’re not over-asking?
  • 38:04 Collect data - get the facts and ask yourself, am I really asking excessively?
  • 38:34 Is there any reciprocity? Identify the relationship and ask is what you’re asking for fair from this type of relationship
  • 39:12 Give them permission to say “no” when you go for the ask and tell them you have other options
• 40:51 Its ok to talk to strangers

Links:

• Newsletter: Punctuate Your Life
• Newsletter: How to ask for help
• Handout on a practice of Self-Compassion called RAIN by Tara Brach.
• Video of the Weaving Braid metaphor

Leslie-ism: Ask for help because you deserve to get it

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, , Mia Warren, Camila Salazar and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by AJ Moultrie. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part three of the four part series with Salimah, single mother of three. This week, Leslie and Salimah focus on 5 year old Terrel. Terrel is the youngest child and also the only “man of the house.” He is typically a happy go-lucky child. But there are other behaviors that have Salimah confused and frustrated. He can sometimes say mean things, he can be quick to anger and he is dealing with issues with his bowel movements. These different parts of the same child motivated Salimah to come to this session to understand what is at the root of these behaviors.

Time Stamps

• 2:35 Reviewed homework of validation
• 5:16 Learning how to read the shoulder shrugs and what they mean
• 7:40 When our children “push our buttons” which really describe our vulnerabilities
• 8:15 ABC of looking at a child’s behavior: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence in order to understand problem behavior
• 13:29 Give your child back the actual problem without personalizing their behavior.
• 14:01 When children say mean things it's often a reflection of how they are doing
• 26:05 Children can have control of their lives in two ways: eating and bowel movements
• 26:50 Control helps the child feel a sense of safety.
• 30:52 Finding other means to find happiness
• 31:30 Dealing with his vulnerabilities of his sad and angry emotions
• 34:09 Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions
• 34:35 Give your child the chance to feel capable and independent
• 36:48 Teach him to be able to handle the fears

Resources

• An article on Encopresis in children
• Leslie's handout on The Need to Feel Capable
• Leslie's List of Ideas for Making Kids Feel Capable

Leslie-ism: Give your child a chance to feel capable

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to part 2 of our 4-part series with Salima, a single mother of three children with very different needs. Last week we discussed her middle child, 7 year old Rene. This week we focus on her oldest, 13 year old Alani. Alani has been getting in trouble at school and uses the “shoulder shrug” to dismiss all of Salimah’s attempts to connect. Tune in to hear Leslie talk Salimah through ways to give your child the time and space to open up to you.

Time Stamps:

• 13:10 and 17:30 Narrate what you are doing so others can learn
• 13:30 Choosing your words more intentionally
• 14:00 Using imagery such as the ring of fire to increase the learning and understanding of a concept or skill.
• 15:27 Starting with validation before we start problem-solving
• 17:54 When you ask the direct “why” questions, it can be like flashing a flashlight in someone’s eyes. Instead make statements or observations
• 19:30 Shifting your expectations - short term vs long term parenting
• 20:09 Role play
• 21:33 Getting your reserved or shut down child to engage in conversation.
• 22:51 Say less and give them space
• 23:11 The dominoes metaphor
• 27:20 The 5 communications of the shoulder shrug - it means different things at different times
• 29:31 Parent’s job description - helping a child understand who they are. To know who you are.
• 31:18 The gift of connection - when our children think we know them better than they know themselves
• 34:12 The six levels of validation (show notes link and possible newsletter or sample video)
• 35:57 Validation is in the eye of the beholder

Resources:

• The 6 levels of validation
• Video of the Domino Analogy
• How to guide to validation worksheet Leslie sent Salimah home with

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Turn your challenges into opportunities