REAL, RAW, RELATABLE

This morning, Steve held space for me in the midst of a raw emotional release.
I've been doing EMDR therapy for the past five weeks now, allowing and processing the raw emotions from childhood sexual abuse that I haven't felt in its purity. No bloody wonder why - IT'S. A. LOT.

As I journaled this morning, the emotion of anger was right there and I felt it in all its power and fucked-off-ness. Steve could sense that I wasn't quite myself and I let him know I was processing some stuff. He was about to go on his merry way and leave me to it when he got an intuitive sense to come upstairs and ask me if I needed a hug. My little Miss Independent didn't want to let him in, but instead, I chose to drop into his arms and let out the raw emotion.

Today's episode is about both our takes on this situation and how holding space for the other in relationships is so damn necessary.

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In my book I write about living a life that feels intrinsically right, good and true for us.

A life that we get to dance with and make up the dance moves and rhythm and pace as we go along.

A life that is so ours, so very much considered and intuited, a life that also considers the lives of others, all beings.

This is the life of someone who is in touch with their authentic nature and plugged into their core values, their heart, their truth. This is the life of someone who has chosen to step off the societal norm treadmill and dare ask, “hang on, is this even my life?”

I get it isn’t an easy question to ask because often we we ask the question, we’re bound to receive an answer from the well of truth that resides inside. At the same time, something in you is so relieved you’ve dared to ask because it, your true nature, can talk to you and guide you home to what you know deep down is right good and true for you.

Let us be willing, albeit scared, to dare ask if how we are living and how we are showing up is indeed true to who we are.

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Living true to our own pace and rhythm is about honoring the unique cadence of our lives, rather than conforming to the timelines imposed by society. It's a reminder that our journey is deeply personal and cannot be rushed or dictated by external expectations.

When we tune into our inner rhythm, we reconnect with our true essence—the part of us that knows what feels right and authentic. This means allowing ourselves the space to move, grow, and evolve at a pace that feels natural and aligned with our deepest desires. By embracing our individual journey and trusting in our own timing, we empower ourselves to live authentically and wholeheartedly, free from the pressure to measure up to society's standards.

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I had a magical moment this morning whilst sitting on the canal, listening to beautiful music and chatting with the forces at be.

For some time I have not been my most vital in energy and also in well-being. My guts are crook, pretty much always bloated, I've been experiencing brain fog, forgetfulness, losing the thread of thoughts and increasing fatigue. If I hadn't have known about per-menopause, which to be real I only heard of two years ago, I'd think I am quite literally losing my mind.

Anyway. When I am not right in my body, it is harder for me to connect to my Spirit and hear what it is wanting to share with me. After a session and being in the care of my dear friend and peri-menopause Queen, Dr Kirstey Holland, today I woke up for the first time in a long want feeling closer to and connected to my intrinsic nature.

So I took myself, my journal, airpods and chai latte for a stroll along the canal and sat on a bench. A moment with the forces at be and me. And boy did we have some seriously good chats.

In today's episode I share the insights that landed. Enjoy.

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If you find it difficult to communicate what's on your mind and/or heart in your relationship or the person you're dating, do you know why?

Do you know the story that keeps you from sharing, speaking, expressing?
Do you know the wound that the story was built upon?
Do you know the things you tell yourself that leads to 'ahhh, it doesn't matter, I won't bother saying anything, all good."

Steve has helped me have the hard chats. Typically (in my default pattern) I avoid hard chats. I haven't liked the awkwardness and the underlying fear is usually "this will lead to it ending". I've learned through our relationship that you can have hard chats and be clear and kind, and remain together. A new belief I'm happy to have!

In today's episode we talk about how we frame up difficult conversations and why it matters to keep having them.

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"I am tired of tolerating ......"
"I am tired of accepting ...... in my relationship."
"I am tired of speaking to myself poorly."
"I am tired of these behaviours I keep playing out ......"
"I am tired of the way I show up at work events and around colleagues."

Once you have your answers, the next question is ...

What am I willing to do about this? What is my next best step?

Self enquiry leads to greater knowing of who you are behind the you you think you have to be. It's worth asking the question.

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If I waited until I wasn't afraid to go after the things that mattered to my heart and my life, I'd be waiting a long (long) time.

A part of me was afraid to leave nursing, make my own money and create my own life.
A part of me was afraid to start my business, speak on stage, create programs, run events, write a book and put myself out there.
A part of me was afraid to fall in love, commit and get married.

Because what if I failed? What if I got hurt? What if I looked like an idiot? What if I fell flat on my face and somewhere, someone would say, 'told ya so!'

The truth is, a part of us is going to be afraid when we do, say or go for something that is beyond what we're used to doing. Let the fear be there instead of fight it or will it out of your existence before you go for that something.

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You know those uplevels where it’s happening from the inside out? A grumble, a pulse, a rise of ‘something’ that is so darn powerful that you know it’s going to rearrange the way you see yourself, others and life?

It’s that space between letting go of the self that got you here and welcoming in the self you’ve been rooting for. There’s excitement, fear, unsureness (is that even a word?), curiosity, grief, gratitude, silence, noise, questioning, faith all at once.

If you find yourself here, may you save your fucks for giving thanks to the self that carried you to this very place and set your own practice of acknowledgement until it feels right in you. May you welcome in the self that seeks to be embodied with an ease, grace and warmth.

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Steve and I are being tested at the moment. We're in sleep debt. We're sleeping in separate beds. Why? Lately, Steve's snoring has reached new heights and we've gotten into an anxious sleep cycle where Steve is worried he'll snore, so isn't getting deep sleep. I'm worried I'll hear him snore so I'm stressing about getting to sleep first.

This resulted in poor deep sleep and waking up feeling less than fresh. So, we're sleeping separate whilst Steve looks into his snoring and whilst we're catching up on sleep and beginning to be in sleep credit, the closeness of us is strained. Yes we cuddle when I come downstairs but it's different than falling asleep together and waking up snuggling.

And so, this is our reality and we're navigating with as much awareness as we can whilst being slightly off with one another. Not enough to be dire, but enough to feel it.

Today's episode is us sharing this in more depth and what we do when we're tested.

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Previous episodes:
Relationships & Seven Game Changing Words
Relationships & Setting Agreed Intentions

Previously I always looked for the metaphorical invisible door for me to escape. Where’s the exit when it gets tough, hard, too much, too close, too vulnerable? That door was something I kept very close to me.

But in the lead up to our wedding, writing vows to Steve and the girls, that door was disappearing. And on the day, our magnificent wedding day, it went. I was in. All the way in.

I know that I can leave at anytime, but I don’t want to. Before, it was a fantasy I played into a lot. Now, it’s not even an option unless it really needs to be an option.

That’s what has changed. All of me is in. This is a big deal due to my past and always needing “aloneness” to be safe. Aloneness is one of my coping strategies that is laying to rest. Now, my fks can be saved for loving with all of me, not just some of me.

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