365Jokes

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be in IT", says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must be a manager". "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three. He says "uno... dos..." *poof*. And he disappears without a trace

There are four passengers on a plane: A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican. The pilot gets on the radio and says that there is a problem with the plane, and three people need to get off in order for the plane to not crash. He says there are no parachutes. The four passengers sit quietly, looking at one another, and soon the Frenchman gets up and yells, "Vive la France!" and jumps out of the plane. Now, the rest of them are excited because he just sacrificed himself for them. Before long, the Englishman stands and yells, "Long live the Queen!" and he too jumps out of the plane. The pilot gets on the radio and says that one more person must jump. The Texan, adrenaline rushing, jumps out of his seat and at the top of his lungs screams, "Remember the Alamo!!" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Thanks to http://unijokes.com/ An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

One morning Tom calls his boss and says "Good morning, boss.  Unfortunately, I feel terrible today. I got a headache and stomach ache, so I'm going to take a sick day, if that's alright." His boss replies: "You know Tom, I really need you to come in today.  So, I'll tell you, when I feel like this I go to my wife, and I ask her for some sexy time. That always makes me feel better, and then I can go to work. You should try that."  2 hours later Tom calls back, "Hey Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great so I'll see you at work soon. By the way, you've got nice house."

Thanks http://www.bluedonut.com/jokes.htm Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here!"

Thanks to Don Steinberg On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.   Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," outraged at his crude language.  She hits him and sends him upstairs. When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants.  "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says.  The mom is livid and She smacks him and sends him away. Finally, she looks at the youngest son and asks him what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast!" 

Thanks to Neel Burton. In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes." "And what do you infer from these stars?" "Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe: Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant. What about you, Holmes?" "Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Thanks to http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/labor_day.htm In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a poor country farmer won $480,000 in the Lottery.  As a treat he took his wife and their four children to see the Labor Day parade in New York City. They booked into the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North.  Having never been further than their local town, Benton in Arkansas they were bowled over by glitz and excitement of the "Big Apple". Eli and his son Clem were especially mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls. Neither had seen an elevator before.  Therefore, they were amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed. The lights outside on the wall flashed for a minute, then the doors opened and out came a beautiful young woman. Eli turned to his son Clem and said, 'Son, go get your mother.'

Thanks to Neel Burton "Doctor," said the receptionist, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."