Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

"I'm a comedian, and now I’m an accidental matchmaker!"

So says Alli, self-proclaimed theater geek and creator of Love Isn’t Blind — a new dating show where 4 men compete for 1 woman, and the men can’t speak. She's also the creator of the dating show where celebrities read your breakup texts.

What's especially interesting is that as someone reading hundreds of applications to her dating show, Alli has a fascinating breadth of experience when it comes to what men are looking for in women, and vice versa. As she says, "When you ask people what they want in a partner, it's revealing to hear what they lead with."

Here we talk about sex, dating, relationships, being a wingwoman or wingman (hint: if you're in a relationship, your job isn't over! Help out a shy or introverted person and you'll feel great about yourself). We also discuss how hot men are who are openminded, working on themselves and "secretly in men's groups." ;)

You'll want to listen to this fun and lively one!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "In a post-pandemic world, there's a strong desire and real need for people to meet in person."
• "Looks are a weird thing." 
• "There's a certain freedom men feel to talk to me about dating when I’m not on a date with them."
• "We’re all making the same mistakes!"
• "I wanted something that would get people rowdy and meeting each other."

Mentioned on this episode:

• allisongoldberg.com
• howtobreakupbytext.com 
• loveisntblind.co (Love Isn't Blind happens live ever first Friday in LA, and Alli is also launching a tour soon, so if you're interested in being kept up to date, sign up for her newsletter.)

One of the most inspiring things we've seen in our work with men is the rejuvenation of relationships. We've seen clients in long-term, committed relationships that felt flat, off, or just not exciting ... become vibrant and vivid again.

We've seen couples get hot sex back! (often better than ever). We've seen closeness and intimacy be reestablished, often more intensely than had ever been true before.

But before this renewal period, there was suffering. Often in the form of reverse polarity. Especially if you identify as a Nice Guy, you may have experienced reverse polarity in relationship -- where she's more in her masculine, and he's more in his feminine. This can be a painful place to be. Both people suffer.

And the path back is not necessarily what you'd think. For example, men say, "I’ve been doing everything to please my partner, and it just seems to make it worse ... " because as it turns out, pleasing and appeasing her doesn't actually generate polarity.

Or they say, "It's not exactly that there's something wrong, but we're not having sex. We watch movies, we go on walks, we get along ... but we don't have that spark."

Here we talk about polarity, what it looks like when it's going well, what it looks like when it's not, and how to regenerate it when it's lost. Whether you're in a dating relationship or married, if you've ever experienced losing that erotic charge in your relationship and you didn't know how to get it back, this is one to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I wanted to do the right thing in my relationship, but I didn't know how. I was close to giving up. Shutting down. Pulling away."
• "Those feelings, that desire ... there’s something enlivening when we feel our partner wanting us."
• "We are slowly becoming the couple we dreamed about when we were dating."

Ever experienced the relationship pattern where she essentially says, "I was hurt by this thing you did," or, "I need you to love me better/differently" — and then you feel like you've failed, pull away, and maybe even have the desire to just stop trying altogether?

Whether you're in a dating relationship or a long-term, committed relationship like a marriage, this is a very common relationship pattern. It can be easy for women to be critical or share feedback in ways that are not at all constructive (sometimes even bullying). And it can be easy for a man, when he feels he has let down/disappointed his partner, to get defensive or withdraw (or both), which can trigger even more upset. This, then, can affect your sex life as well as your emotional intimacy.

How do two people meet in the middle here? How does she soften and share feedback in an openhearted way, and how does he receive it without collapsing and/or entering into a shame spiral?

The good news is that it is possible to grow here, and for both partners to meet each other in the middle.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Hearing that nothing was ever good enough for her made me withdrawal into passivity and inaction. Why do anything for her when I’m always going to be shot down for trying?"
• "One of the masculine’s main fears: We can’t provide enough, we’re not emotional enough, we’re not communicating enough … we’re not enough."
• "I felt deeply met by him when he did that ... it was the first time I'd ever felt fully expressed that way with a man."

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men episode 128: Recognizing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

Curious about sexting, or how to bring it up/do it in the context of a new dating relationship? Maybe it's an edge you'd like to push, or maybe you're not even sure what it really is. (Hint: it can also spice up your marriage/long-term committed relationship.)

Dr. Tara grew up in sexually conservative Thailand, and went through her own sexual awakening over the course of years. Here we cover her fun, sexy journey from Catholic schoolgirl to full-on, liberated tenured professor of sexual communication -- not to mention her happy relationship to her current husband.

We also talk about trust and safety in relationship, the 3 questions to include in a "sexual check-in" in a relationship, how a sex store in LA changed Dr. Tara's life, and how to be hot instead of creepy when it comes to dick pics.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I married a resume husband that I never had sexual chemistry with.”
• “Shock and awe — there are so many cock sizes!?”
• “I didn’t have enough sexual self-esteem to pursue what was right for me.”
• “One of the best ways to help women feel more sexually empowered is to encourage self-pleasure.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dr. Tara's site
• Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori Brotto
• 5-minute sexual meditation on YouTube

Real talk: Dating can be hard! So many of us long to connect with one another, but the process can feel ... challenging. Whether you're contending with approach anxiety, not knowing what to text or when to call, when to ask her on an actual date (should you get to know her first via the text thread?), or how to gracefully handle rejection or ghosting ... it's a lot.

And straight men on dating apps also have to contend with the fact that they tend to get far fewer messages and responses and attention overall than women. It can be painful.

We want to make it easier and smoother! There's a lot out there for men about what not to do, but what about what to do when it comes to the dating apps, sex, and building a relationship? Here, we go over how we love to be approached on the apps, with real examples of men who've done it well. Yes, it can be done — and it may be easier than you think.

If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a woman on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, eHarmony, or any of the other dating apps, check this one out.

Ever feel like you're dragging? Like you don't have enough energy to do all the things you want to do, or just wish you had more oomph in general?

The fact is, when you're healthy and vital, you're more attractive. You also want to have sex more (your libido goes up). You're more likely to go for what you want in dating. And you show up as the best version of yourself in long-term, committed relationships like marriages. You inspire those around you. You've got what you need to go after your goals.

Martial artist and masculine vitality expert Michael Holt has a lived experience of feeling energetically depleted and emotionally down. Yet he turned things around and now helps other men do the same. There are both physical as well as emotional landscapes involved in boosting your energy. The good news? You can be more vital, strong, healthy, and alive than you ever have been -- no matter how old you are.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “The primary regulation strategy in this culture is distraction.”
• “Why am I in the desert with a bunch of damn hippies? Oh my God, have I become a hippie?”
• “The highest act of service is healing yourself.”

Michael's IG: @savageandsaint

How do you know if monogamy is right for you? Ever been curious about what it would actually be like to be a swinger, or date other people while still being in a healthy marriage?

Jackie was actually married twice, in two traditional, monogamous relationships (with kids), before she connected with John — or, in fact, reconnected with him, since they actually went to high school together.

By that point, John was running several clubs for swingers, and Jackie was curious to hear more. She went on a deep dive in researching monogamy, ethical non-monogamy (open relationships), how people "do" swinging and/or other sexual exploration in a way that feels authentic and true to them, and more.

The two then built a beautiful relationship based on openness, trust, and true vulnerability.

If you've ever wondered how exactly it "works" in a relationship that's more open, where you can play with other people (i.e. have full-on sex or just to be sexual some way), listen to this. According to Jackie and John, it can actually bring you closer, with tremendous personal growth.

In particular, when you don't have to cut off that part of you that engages with the spark of life, things get fun and fiery. Flirting, ethical non-monogamy, jealousy, fulfillment, love, and healthy relationships can all coexist, and bring even more joy and magic into your world.

Notable quotes from this episode:

• “I assumed that once I got married, my partner and I would be 100% satisfied.” 
• “Monogamy never really felt like ‘me.’”
• “If you’re able to walk through your fear you become a stronger person — more whole.”
• “One of the greatest gifts was it allowed me to get in touch with how I viewed myself, how I can grow, how I can feel confident in my relationship.”
• “We’re very conscious of what we do in our relationship. We want both of us to be operating from the best place.”

We work with a lot of men in demanding professions, whether that means long work hours, high-stakes environments (like hospitals), hard manual labor, or being mentally taxing or stressful.

Many of these men have to hide their emotions and/or vulnerability at work, and/or are in jobs like software development or IT that have them at a computer, isolated, all day long. Any and all of this can take a toll, and impact your love life.

When it comes to sex and relationships, it can be challenging to navigate this kind of thing. How do you balance a crazy work schedule with dating, or drop in with your woman relationship partner when you've spent all day in your head?

The truth is, if the very thing that makes you great at what you do makes it harder to connect with women, you've got to make some adjustments. The good news? They're doable, and will lead to healthier, more sustainable and sexier relationships overall.

Guy Blaise is a Frenchman who has lived in the U.S. for a number of years. As a man who has dated and had sex with both European and North American women, he has an intriguing perspective. Here we delve into the differences between dating in France and the U.S., and the various questions raised by those, such as:

Why are French women more likely to tell a man what they like or don't like in bed? How do you approach a European vs. North American woman, and why does that feel so different? Why is the fear of being creepy so prevalent in North America?

After writing his first book, Love Like the French, Blaise also received hundreds of letters from American and Canadian women asking for dating and relationship advice. We also discuss the fascinating world of what kinds of things the women wrong in about -- and what all men can take from that.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "You go to Barcelona, love is on the subway."
• "Treat your partner like she’s your best customer."
• "In France, women are very outspoken."
• "Sex doesn't start in the bedroom."

Guy's site: The French Perspective, which includes his books Love Like the French and Love Like a Man

When it comes to dating, relationships, and sex, there's a strong cultural norm -- the plotline of what we're "supposed" to want. It goes like this: You start dating, become sexually exclusive, get engaged, get married, buy a house (with a white picket fence!), have kids, and stay together until you die. No sex, dating, or romance with anyone else, ever.

This is known as the "relationship escalator," and it can sometimes feel like the only choice out there.

But what if you got off the escalator? What about the many relationships that fit outside that norm? What if, for example, you want to have kids but your partner doesn't -- and instead of breaking up, you and a close friend become co-parents?

Amy Gahran has interviewed hundreds of people who've gotten off the relationship escalator and are engaging in creative relationships of all kinds. If you've ever wondered what else was possible, you'll want to listen to this.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "More is possible."
• "You have options. And even if you want to keep doing what you're doing, make it a conscious choice."
• "Cultivate the skill to re-negotiate because I can guarantee that at some point you're going to need to."

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Amy's site: https://offescalator.com/