Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

In our work with men who have sex with women, we've noticed a few distinct categories. There are three specific archetypes of men we see most commonly, and here we outline their patterns.

We do this in part because I want to reveal the deep yearning on the part of a lot of women who relate with men romantically. While the themes discussed in this episode are relayed in the frame of men who relate with women romantically, and vice versa (many of whom identify as heterosexual/straight), I believe there's a universal human longing at play.

Here we talk about the three types of men, their differences, their paths, and the category that a lot of women crave from the depths of their being.

Evolutionary Men Retreat

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Join us LIVE for our yearly, in-person retreat. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got 3 slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California. To sign up or learn more, go here.

Work with us

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Want a woman to feel deeply, profoundly, extraordinarily safe with you? Able to surrender fully, relaxing all the way into your arms, allowing her body to open to you in ways you never knew were possible?

Then you need to know about this.

Whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship, there's an underlying fear that, according to Violet, who has worked with hundreds of women and heard from thousands, 99% of women have.

It's a fear you may share. And if it's not addressed, it can block intimacy, whether that's in sex or other relationship dynamics. The good news? You can learn to address it skillfully -- and this can profoundly shift a dynamic within a relationship. If you've been looking for the best relationship advice ever, it might just be this. ;)

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I’m not going to be THAT girl."
• "I don't care what my fling thinks, but I don't want my partner to think I'm a trashy whore."
• "I’m too needy, bossy, driven. I’m too fat, too slutty, too crazy."

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Evolutionary Men Retreat

It's happening! Come join us. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got 4 slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California. To sign up or learn more, go here.

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Also mentioned on this episode:

• Violet's Wild Sensuality retreat
• Dear Men podcast episode 128: Feel like you're always walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

How did you learn to be a man? From whom did you learn, and what did they impart? More importantly, if this isn't how you want to be now, how you grow beyond what you learned?

We learn how to be who we are from our parents and other caregivers. If you grew up with men who were absent, alcoholics, abusive, or just not emotionally attuned, then there are gaps in your knowledge. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.

A few things we cover in this episode:

• Passive dad/absent dad vs. volatile dad
• What do to do if you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortable
• Growing up with women who badmouthed men ("Don't be like your father")
• The power of men's work

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Not mentioned on this episode but still wanted to mention it here -- there's a YouTube channel called, "Dad, how do I?" and it's great. It's by a man who didn't grow up with a good dad, and it's all about how to do basic things (like shaving).

Do you know you have trauma stuck in your body, but you're not sure how to move it? Perhaps you're aware that your issues are in your tissues, but you don't know what to do about it.

If anyone knows what it's like to feel stuck around sex, dating, and relationships, it's Jason. He was a late bloomer, self-proclaimed Nice Guy, and didn't feel successful with women for a long time -- didn't even have sex for the first time until his late 20s.

Plus, even outside of relationships, for most of his life he felt like something was ... missing. Like his life was just sort of happening to him. He wanted something else, something more, but didn't know how to get there.

Then he went to a live workshop where a men's work mentor rocked his world. In just twenty minutes of in-depth work, he got to a place that 3 full years of talk therapy hadn't touched.

It was transformational.

If you've ever felt stuck or numb as a man, you're not alone. And you can break out of it. Sometimes it just takes some support to get there.

Evolutionary Men Retreat

It's happening! Come join us. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got a few slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California.

To sign up or learn more, go here.

If you want a thriving, connected sex life with your partner, but feel like something's in the way ... it could be sexual trauma.

The fact is, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are survivors of child sexual abuse. To put that in perspective, that's 42 million women and 21 million men in the US alone.

The bad news? We don't talk about this nearly enough, so it can feel overwhelming and scary to address. The good news? It is addressable, and no matter who you are or what happened, you can have a beautiful, connected, and deeply fulfilling sex life. It just takes some work to get there.

Here we talk about how you, as a man who has sex with women, can identify the signs that a partner may have a sexual trauma background

If you've ever been with a partner who seems to check out during sex (disassociates), tends to avoid sex altogether, or has certain triggers (like certain lighting or movements on your part that cause her to tense up), it could be this.

We also talk about how to bring it up and talk about it in a way that feels safe and welcoming. It's a sensitive topic and it takes a lot of trust for a woman to tell you this is part of their history (and vice versa — it takes a lot of trust for you, as a man, to let her know if you're a survivor). Knowing more about how to respond well and help to lead and guide the conversation will only help you expand and embody the healthy masculine.

A vital truth is that if your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), it affects your sex life — meaning it impacts both of you. We also discuss how you can support your woman and also address your own sexual needs (without coming off as ignorant or insensitive).

Because when it comes down to it, we all want to love one another as best we can. And sex is a big part of that.

Books referenced in this episode:

• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Was your family skilled at teaching you about sex? Was your school, or your religious community?

HA.

I'm guessing not.

Many families of origin suck at talking about sex, dating, and relationships. And whether you grew up in a religious house or not, sex education tends to also be subpar, especially when it comes to teaching about sexual communication.

How do you ask a partner for what you really want? How do you tell someone they're missing the mark when it comes to something sexual (like oral sex, or something about intercourse).

On this episode we talk about all that, as well as how the #MeToo movement has impacted all of us. And we touch on how to overcome sexual shame. A particularly memorable quote from that section:

“I turned my shame into vulnerability.”

Finally, we touch on porn in this episode, and the other podcast episode I reference is:

DM 112: How this man overcame porn addiction

(If you've felt a little iffy about your relationship with pornography, give that one a listen, as well. You may find it illuminating.)

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Has your woman ever been in her masculine, and you wished she was in her feminine? Here's something that doesn't work: "Hey, could you drop into your feminine already?" ;)

So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.

I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."

The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.

Here we lay out five practical ways to polarize a woman partner into her feminine, helping her to drop into her heart and soften. If you've ever wondered why certain evenings with your wife or girlfriend were magical, while others felt like pulling teeth, this may help.

And if you're a man who has sex with women and you want to help your woman soften, receive more of your love, and relax into even deeper levels of trust, this one is for you.

Quick note: We talk about this on the podcast and wanted to include it here: If you suspect your partner may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (i.e. nothing you do ever seems to make a difference with her), polarity work won't cut it.

You may also want to listen to our episode on that subject: 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder.

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Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever have trouble concentrating, or beat yourself up for not getting more done? Do you give yourself a hard time for watching porn & masturbating? Wonder why you just can't kick that habit you know is unhealthy (smoking weed, playing video games, drinking alcohol, etc.)?

All of this is related to loneliness. Whether you live alone and work from home, are single and dating and longing for relationship, are divorced and missing what you used to have, or are in a relationship but often feel distant from your wife/partner ... life can be lonely.

And according to the US Surgeon General, "Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health."

We tend to think of feeling lonely as not that big a deal, but that couldn't be further from the truth. According to Psychology Today, "[c]lose relationships with other people have more of an impact on our physical health and longevity than even our genes do."

The other wrinkle here is that loneliness and social isolation tend to hit men harder. A full 15% of modern men report having no close friendships or relationships at all, and 44% of men 18 and up say they feel lonely all the time (that stat still blows my mind. I want to give everyone a hug).

So what do you do about it? How do you get more connected and start to feel more of a sense of belonging? Here, we delve into what it actually means to be lonely, as well as how to start to get more connection in your life on a regular basis. We share our personal experience of loneliness, as well as three concrete suggestions for how to get more connected.

We also talk about how meaningful connection is not just about being around other people; it’s about feeling safe to be your full, true, authentic self. To feel fully seen.

Because when we feel fully seen, we feel fully alive.

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Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

"I just can't make up my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm settling, and that makes me sad. Sometimes I feel blessed to have someone as amazing as this woman who wants to be with me.

The question I have is, if I'm having doubts or feelings that I might be settling, does that mean she's not The One? Or is it normal to have these feelings sometimes?"

If you've ever wondered whether you're in the right relationship or should seek something better, you're not alone! Dating is, in part, about figuring out whether you're with the right partner. But no one teaches us how to know whether it's right, especially if you sometimes have doubts.

Short story? Doubts don't mean everything, and they don't mean nothing. ;) Here, we delve into the fundamentals of "relationship ambivalence," anxious/avoidant attachment and how it relates to this, how porn can affect how you feel about your relationship, and what to truly look for when determining whether partner is the right one for you to build a happy, safe, healthy relationship with.

Mentioned on this episode:

Episode 128: Are you with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

A lot of the men we work with don't want to be That Guy. The guy who's creepy or pervy or weird. The guy who makes women feel unsafe, whether on a date or in a relationship.

But how do you figure out how to get consent while still maintaining your masculine core? Is it uncool to ask for permission to kiss her? (Spoiler alert: No.) And how does consent work on a porn set? Porn stars still need to navigate the world of what's going to feel good for someone and what's not, and as it turns out, a lot of the process actually goes on off-camera!

Here, we delve into the wild and wondrous world of consent, as outlined by top adult film actress, author, and consent advocate Tasha Reign. If you've ever wanted to know what the differences are between porn sex and real-life sex, give this a listen!

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)