ReThinking Caregiving

 Families and patients need various types of support, and education, as they ponder what happens at different stages of end of life.

What options they have; what about physical and emotional needs, have someone actively listening to them etc…

In today’s episode, Grief Coach, Death Doula and Dietitian Kathleen Putnam talks to us about how to bring dignity in a way that aligns with the dying person’s values and wishes. Everything from how to help with making difficult decisions when someone is grieving. 

Resources:

Kathleen Putnam's Website |  Death Cafe Monthly |  Challenging Conversations - join us! | Website 

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The cancer diagnosis isn’t going away? How can we be present with our loved ones despite the presence of the diagnosis? How can we bring awareness? 

Many times, fear can grip in, and prevent us from making meaningful connections during difficult times.  

Being there for them, let them voice out their fears without interfering, lecturing and trying to rectify things. Letting things unfold without trying to change the reality. 

To be honest, we can’t change the reality, we only think we can.. We let reality be exactly that… 

Creating room, acknowledging and extending compassion to our selves, by allowing whatever it is we feel to be there, but choose other actions. 

Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to take care of your well-being, so you can take care for your spouse. 
 

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 My guess is, you don’t want to feel the way you do, but you don’t know how and what to do. You are only human, and caregiving is a humongous task to take on, for anyone…

When events happen in our lives, our brains offer us different thoughts about those circumstances. It is up to us to choose which thoughts we believe  and which ones we don’t believe. 

Those thoughts that we choose either cause us emotional pain or freedom and empowerment. Take a moment, how do you feel when you believe a thought like your needs don’t matter? My guess is when you don’t show up as the best caregiver or spouse you want to be.  

It can be a good skill to question your brain about certain thoughts. Yes brain, I think that at this point, my emotional needs don’t matter, but from what we know, each of us is responsible for our own emotions. So if my needs don’t matter, it is because I am not taking care of my own needs.

Resources:

Download our FREE GUIDE on how take care of  your own well-being, so you can take care of your spouse. 

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 Self compassion, you are just a human being. You make mistakes, just as other people make mistakes, forgiving yourself first, will humanize the other people in your life for you.  Not having the desire to care for someone you find abusive is you being human. In all honesty, caring about someone is not for the weak.

We can’t change other people, and comparison is the thief of joy.  We get emotional pain when we compare people in our families to other  people.  We are all different, and unique in our own way.  We can choose to embrace other people in our lives for whom they are, instead of trying to turn them into what we want them to be.  We miss out on the person in front of us.

Our brains are very powerful organs. Whatever we decide to believe, our brains will produce evidence for that. If we only see the negative in people, the brain will produce plenty of evidence for that. 

This doesn’t mean to become door mats for other people, we can set firm boundaries to protect ourselves and the other party. 

You can look at the situation, then make a conscious decision. Making conscious  decisions is about responding to situations or people instead of reacting. This is a better for your own wellbeing. 

Resources:

Download our FREE GUIDE on  how to care for your own well-being, so you can care for your spouse. 

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 Your loved one is withdrawn, they won’t respond to your communication. This is coming out of the blue, since you two had a solid relationship prior to the diagnosis. 

You feel devastated and hopeless because you are probably thinking that he shouldn’t be doing this. He should be opening up to you, because you want to be there for him/her during this challenging time. 

You can see that when you believe the that he should not be excluding me, there is an uneasy feeling, devastation discomfort, fear or panic. All these emotions take you further away from connecting with your loved one. 

We all have different ways of navigating challenging situations, maybe this is his way of doing that. Who says it is wrong? Perhaps he is figuring it out, he is coming to terms with the news of the diagnosis. 

Of course, he is withdrawn, his life was turned upside down in a blink of an eye. 

You could be hopeful that he will open the lines of communication when he is ready. 

Be compassionate with yourself, you are a human being, your life was turned upside down as well. 

Be compassionate for yourself, you are going through a tough time right now. You are just human, you want the best for your loved one. Even though the lines may get blurred sometimes. Especially for us who are control enthusiasts. 

Meet him where he is at, instead of trying to bring him where you are. Not the way you want him to figure it out. Let him handle things his way, not the way you want him to do it. 

It is okay to be uncomfortable when the people we care about aren’t doing well or when they aren’t doing things the way we want them to.

We can learn to make ourselves feel good, instead of relying on circumstances outside our control to make us feel good. I.e. Coercing your loved one to open up, is meant to make you feel better about your self, by trying to manipulate the situation. 

We can learn to be uncomfortable, when the people we care about aren’t doing things the way we would otherwise want them to.  What is the worst that can happen? It is just a feeling. Anger, anxious, sadness, frustration etc… it is a sad time. 

Feeling devastated is normal. It is okay, nothing has gone wrong. It is okay to be devastated.  When we judge a situation, we add layers of stress to the situation. 

Resources:

Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for yourself first, so you can help care for your spouse. 

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 Accepting doesn’t mean we can’t respond or take action. In the case of a cancer diagnosis, while we can’t reverse the diagnosis, or we don’t have influence over the trajectory of the disease, we do have control over our own response. 

In my humble opinion, it is accepting what is right there in that moment, not wishing how it should have been at that moment. Then again, responding from that stance. Accepting can mean acknowledging reality and then saying that this is not right for me, I choose to do something differently - instead of wishing the reality was different. 

 Resources:
Download this FREE GUIDE to guide you on how you can care for yourself, so you can be a caregiver for your spouse. 

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 As you go about helping your spouse go through cancer treatments, some days are a real struggle. 

You can be anxious over the smallest things, trying to keep up with all the items on the to-do list. 

You are putting your own emotional and physical needs aside. It is common to feel anxious, fear and constant worry in your daily life. 

In today’s episode, board certified Family Physician, Dr. Lisa Yeung, discusses with us how to recognize the warning signs of stress and anxiety. And why it is important to nip them in the bud.

Resources: 

•  Free Yourself from Stress & Anxiety Guide:  FreeGuide.LisaYeungMD.com  | Instagram | Facebookgroup 

• Download this FREE GUIDE on how to care for yourself, so you can be a caregiver to your spouse. 

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 At some point, as you help nurse your spouse back to health, you may find yourself coming with unsolicited advice about what your loved should or should not do. 

Maybe they aren’t eating enough “healthy” food, or not  taking the precautions that you think they should be taking. 

You think they should stay home and not be going out to meet people etc. 
Because you are scared for them due to their low immunity. 

We can be scared and fearful on behalf of our loved ones, but we can choose to act differently, not from fear. Because taking action from fear, leads to micromanaging other people. 

To be honest, no one likes to be micromanaged, not even small children. We work through our own fears and insecurities, first, then we can be there for others. 

Resources:

Download our FREE GUIDE on how to take care of your self first, so you can a caregiver to your spouse. 
 

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You are your spouse’s primary caregiver, 

You handle all the doctor's appointments, medication, and most of the day-to-day care. 

Not only that, but you wake up early and go to bed late every day.

You watch your children and friends live their lives without a care in the world; 

while you are “stuck” at home caring for your spouse.

 Your older children are rarely around to help; 

even though they're maybe living a few minutes away. 

They don’t help with his care at all, even though you ask politely.

Sometimes you feel resentment because you are the one caring for your spouse.

You feel like such an awful spouse for feeling resentment towards your spouse, and children.

Resentment is an emotion that is brought about by thoughts. 

In this case, your siblings, children or family members aren’t helping you with your loved one’s care. 

 When we complain about other people's likes and dislikes, and we get emotional pain, then we project that on to them as though those complain were their own. 

Then we attempt to change their mind. We are in a really limited place to teach. 

 Resources:

Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for yourself, so you can be a caregiver for your spouse. 
 

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 Studies show that our emotions are caused by our thoughts. This is why two people can be in the same situation, but may feel different emotions because they have different thoughts about the same situation. 

“If we focus on what's ugly, we attract more ugliness into our thoughts, and then into our emotions, and ultimately into our lives”. Dr. Wayne Dyer

 Frustration is an emotion that is brought on by a thought or thoughts that you have. 

In this case it may be it is hard to overcome the harsh comments and brush them off.  We can’t change the event - “spouse’s anger outbursts” but we can change the way we feel about his out bursts. 

You can approach the situation with curiosity instead of judgement.

Don’t people get angry when things aren’t going the way they want them to go?

Your spouse is going through life changing cancer treatments, he is probably scared of the long time side effects, or not having control over the trajectory of the disease. 

Maybe he is scared of not making - we don’t know. 

Thoughts come floating in our brains like snow or rain falling. We can observe them, they are harmless, until we make them something. 

Is it unusual for people going through cancer to get angry?

I think that he can be as angry as he wants, as long as you don’t make his outbursts mean anything about you or him.  

It is just an observation, no judgement, or story attached.  Be gentle and understanding with yourself, accepting and forgiving yourself for all your flaws. You are easy on yourself for you having limitations. 

Resources:

Get yourself this FREE guide on how to be a caregiver for yourself, so you can be a caregiver to your spouse. 

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