Meet The Host: How parenting made me the therapist I am

Emma Part 1 of 3: When You Think Your Kid is Manipulating You

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia. Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation. Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma’s past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child’s communication style. And there’s more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain - “it’s mine, no, it’s mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.


Time Stamps

• 4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs.
• 7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma
• 13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of.
• 15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 21:20. The parent trap of promises
• 22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when….”
• 25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"
• 28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting
• 25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options.
• 35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and ours

Resources:

• DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request
• Video on Levels of intensity for making a request

Leslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Managing Anxiety for the Whole Family with Special Guest Lynn Lyons

This week, host Leslie Cohen-Rubury sits down with anxiety expert Lynn Lyons. Together they discuss the challenges of parenting anxious children and the importance of addressing anxiety in families. Lynn’s work is research-based and her practical strategies for dealing with anxiety may surprise you but will make sense as you listen to this episode. There’s a lot to learn about anxiety. Leslie and Lynn’s conversation focuses on how parents and caregivers can unintentionally make anxiety worse, how anxiety works and how to live with it effectively - and no, the answer is not eliminating it.

About our Guest: Lynn Lyons is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker with over 30 years of experience and a special interest in interrupting the generational patterns of anxiety in families. Her latest book, The Anxiety Audit, looks at the seven sneaky ways that anxiety and worry weave their way into our families, friendships, and jobs, and provides actionable steps to reverse the cycle and reclaim emotional well-being. Her podcast, Flusterclux, is filled with so many of her strategies for managing anxiety, as is her website: lynnlyons.com

Time Stamps

• 3:43 Defining Anxiety
• 5:00 Avoidance begets Avoidance
• 8:43 The keys of anxiety are certainty and comfort
• 9:38 Plans that work vs plans that don’t work
• 12:20 The three X’s - expect it, externalize it, experiment with it.
• 15:40 Elimination strategies make anxiety worse
• 15:50 Tolerating uncertainty is what makes it better.
• 20:45 Research on kids who are raised by anxious parents - 4 takeaways
• 26:25 Change the question from how do we help the child calm down to how does this child continue to freak themselves out.
• 29:20 Why the accommodation model at schools to treat anxiety is not working
• 31:50 Parental Experiential Avoidance - Parents unable to tolerate their distress or their children’s distress
• 33:05 Expectations of therapy if your child is being treated for anxiety
• 37:24 Stopping the transmission of generational anxiety
• 38:40 Anxiety and Depression are disorders of passivity. Retraining the brain for action

Resources:

• Website: lynnlyons.com Podcast: Flusterclux.com
• Instagram: lynnlyonsanxiety Facebook: Lynn Lyons Psychotherapist

Leslie-ism: Remember Lynn Lyon’s 3 X’s - We need to expect it, externalize it, experiment when dealing with anxiety

For more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.

Leigh & Pierre Part 3 of 3: When Your Kid is Having a Meltdown

This episode is the third and final session with Leigh and Pierre whose nearly 5-year-old daughter Jean has big emotional reactions. Leslie explores how her big emotions and reactions part of a bigger picture of anxiety, perfectionism, and discomfort with vulnerability - things so many children struggle with. And it's no surprise that Leigh and Pierre have their own history and journeys with anxiety and vulnerability. Leslie talks about ways to manage anxiety in the day to day as well as in heightened emotional states for both parents and children. Leslie also recommends teaching mindfulness at an early age because you can’t “control” those big emotional reactions in your child but with mindfulness, you can control how you and your child respond to them.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 Step one when facing challenging situations - make a list, visualize it, and carry it with you. “Take anxiety with you when you travel” metaphorically.
• When you get new information from an evaluation
• 9:53 Strategies to use when your child is having really big reactions
  • Using a change in temperature to help calm your child
• 11:25 Teach your child the TIPP Skills from DIalectic Behavior Therapy - TIPP Skill
• 12:25 When do you teach the skills to your child
• 13:28 How do we know if somethings not working - what does success look like when you're teaching skills to your child
• 15:20 Mindful awareness of anxiety/discomfort
  • Observe and describe
  • Choose what you want to be mindful to
  • Radical Acceptance: “it is what it is”
  • Self-talk and Encouragement
• 19:27 Teaching mindfulness to our even if there’s nothing wrong - expose them to the concept of mindfulness at an early age so they can grow into - use it the word itself
• 21:55 Mindfulness exercises as a family connection and togetherness
• 24:30 Dealing with your child’s big reactions in public - be compassionate with yourself
• 26:37 The Power of Vulnerability - Learning to deal with the discomfort of the moment
• 28:32 What a child needs from their parent

Resources:

• “Packing Anxiety with You” video
• Victor Frankle Quote Image
• Leslie’s Handout on Breathing Mindfulness Exercises
• Video Bubble Bounce! Mindfulness for Children - a practical video to teach and practice your mindfulness skills
• "The Diving Reflex" video demonstrating one of the TIPP Skills - T: temperature change activating the diving reflex to help you calm down
• Handout explaining TIPP Skills from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Leslie-ism: Take a breath, take a pause and pay attention to what happens.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and

Leigh & Pierre Part 2 of 3: When Your Kid Likes to be in Control

This episode is part two of a three part series with Leigh and Pierre who have two daughters, Jean, almost 5 years old and Nina, 2 years old. This episode explores two very common parenting patterns: we want our children to fit in, and we don’t want our children to suffer in ways we may have suffered. And yet, trying to force those things causes a different kind of suffering. Leigh and Pierre also seek to gain understanding of what they describe as Jean’s “controlling behavior”. Leslie supports Leigh and Pierre to understand the controlling behavior from the perspective of identifying its causes and function. These behaviors may be relatable for many families especially as it relates to anxiety.

Time Stamps

• 3:15 When parents replace the pressure to be like a “normal kid” with giving themselves permission to “not worry” or to accept who their child is
• 3:55 Wanting the best for your child and what that means
• 5:45 What it means when your child is a people pleaser
• 9:35 Children who are “observers”are actively learning an
• 11:10 Assessing what is a child’s behavior of shutting down communicating
• I may not be ready
• I maybe be overstimulated
• There may be too much going on
• I don’t know what is expected of me
• I don’t like what is expected of me
• 13:50 The fear of what will happen to my child as an adult
• 15:15 Defining exposure work to teach children that they are capable of handling uncomfortable situations
• 17:10 Assessing why some children will NOT try something new or shutdown
• Afraid of being watched
• Perfectionism - I have to do it well or I don’t want to do it at all
• Not feeling safe
• Feeling like she is not in control
• 20:05 How to give a child a sense of personal control
• 25:35 When making travel plans - Use paper and pencil to make it concrete
• List what things will be fun and easy
• List what things will be challenging and hard
• Remember to add a space for unknowns and surprises that may happen
• 31:31 What skills you can use if your child is in emotion mind - See the TIPP skills in show notes
• Cold compress, cold air
• Intense exercise
• Parents talking quietly so your child has to listen
• Parents talking about something that will catch your child’s attention

Resources:

• TIPP SKILLS HANDOUT when your child is in emotion mind - and they cannot use other skills past their skills breakdown point
• Articles explaining exposure therapy for children:
  • Facing Fears: How exposure therapy can help children with Anxiety
  • Exposure Therapy: Definition, Types, Approaches and More

Leslie-ism: Try to let go of who you think your child should be, so they can grow into their best self.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and par

Leigh & Pierre Part 1 of 3: When your Kid Doesn’t Want to Talk

This is part one of a three-part series with parents Leigh and Pierre. Leigh is from the US and Pierre is from France, and they moved their family from France to the states one year ago. They have two children - almost 5 yr old Jean and 2 year old Nina. However, they came to Leslie to talk about Jean who is not speaking outside of her immediate family. Over time, Leigh and Pierre have heard the diagnosis “selective mutism” and have made changes accordingly, but they’re still struggling with what they should do. In this episode Leslie walks Leigh and Pierre through an assessment of why a child might be selectively speaking. While there are lots of causes, they mostly boil down to vulnerability. Is Jean stressing about her learning two languages at once? Struggling with perfectionism? Or Is she not feeling safe when she’s out in the world? We ask these questions and many more in this session

Time Stamps

• Selective Mutism
• Parents explain how they’re reacting to their child’s struggles
• When parents can relate to their struggles - is there a genetic component
• Developing an avoidant behavior: the child speaks when they feel safe
• Confidence, safety, willingness: 3 important things, without them child is left feeling vulnerable
• Talk about what perfectionism looks like in kids and adults. Perfectionism and its relationship to anxiety
• Practice being vulnerable - the problem with avoiding or suppressing those uncomfortable emotions. Some kids gravitate to only wanting to experience the pleasant emotions
• Practice learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation
• Indirect ways to support:
  • Letting child use nonverbal and indirect communication (and validating it)
  • When you’re with other people, practice talking (not to them, but around them)
  • Tell them “can you give yourself practice making a mistake”

Resources:

• The podcast Well, Hello Anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson episode on selective mutism
• Other resources on selective mutism

Leslie-ism: What is the loud and clear message you may be sending to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.