The Self Development Podcast

As usual, Stephen surprised me, first of all, by suggesting that we talk about Affirmations. And then secondly, explaining to me why it's so powerful. Initially, I must admit, I thought this was going to be about chanting, incense and long flowing robes, but quickly I was disabused of that notion.

We established it is much more practical and scientific than that. Stephen explains a simple six step process to how you can form these powerful statements of truth. Affirmations tend to get linked to Manifestation. Stephen discusses this, explaining the roles of Gestalt and sensory acuity in moving to your preferred future.

It's practical, It'ss strong.  It has something for everyone.

So let us know what you think. Any questions any thoughts, as always get in contact [email protected]

More notes below:

Affirmations are more than wishing to the universe to get something and she gives it back to you.

The approach to affirmations that we're going to go through is more practical, effective, more about your self-development rather than actually for self-help. It’s about the power of affirmations and how that taps into things like the Law of Attraction. We look at Gestalt and how you manifest things, but in a real, practical, authentic way that brings your personal growth and allows you to take ownership.  It gives you confidence that there are things that you can do that has an energy and how you can channel that to make things better.

technically, it's a statement which affirms something to be true.

I first heard about the practice of Affirmations a long, long time ago, and responded with a degree of scepticism, which I believe is healthy, rather than cynicism. People will swear by affirmations and the power and the difference that it's made and the things that they've manifested or realized and achieved.  There's a whole load of benefits to this.

This is about understanding the power of affirmations, the practicality of how then to create your affirmations and to understand the impact, and the process that then occurs because you've got good affirmations.

We can have conscious affirmations rather than subconscious affirmations. Because affirmations can be future based, present based, past based, they can also be positive, but they can also be negative, particularly if you're unconscious of the affirmations that you're running. So whether you are consciously creating a statement which affirm something to be true, or whether subconsciously through your self -talk, you are continually affirming something else to be true. So for instance, a positive affirmation would be I know I'm really good at something. But a negative affirmation could be someone just saying, I'm just not good at that.

The consciousness of affirmations is that knowing that you're continually affirming one way or the other, consciously or unconsciously, by literally saying, I have I can, or I, I am, or subconscious is saying, I don't, and I can't, and I won't, those affirmation still have the same power. So this is about taking ownership of your affirmations. Being aware of them, managing them, and then applying them towards the outcomes that you want to achieve.

in terms of self-development this is being conscious and aware of how much self-talk is going on. And then deciding that actually, maybe you want to have some input and ownership of that rather than letting it happen to you. This is actually what the affirmation is. That isn't it is it's controlling some of that self-talk, I guess.

This is a self-development approach to affirmations, and self-development requires you to take more ownership, to commit to the personal growth that can come from that, so that you enhance your self-confidence. And the result of that is that the success you achieve will be success because you're being you.  So it's more authentic, more sincere and brings more happiness. Whereas Affirmations are also prevalent in self-help and self-improvement, and these require less ownership and will deliver less personal growth and less self-confidence. Because that is the, putting out there into the universe, and waiting for it to come back. Now that, that can happen but if you haven't been through the personal growth, will you be ready for what you’re trying to manifest, or are you just waiting? And will you recognize it.

it's one of the riskier topics to introduce, in my line of work, working with global CEOs, senior people, and also friends, family and colleagues. It's one of the riskiest things to introduce to the conversation, because of assumption or it or lack of information on or it's just seen as that self-help thing. But I know of I don't know of anything else that I have worked with, with people all over the world clients and colleagues and friends, that's been as transformative for them as an individual than affirmations.

I've had these conversations for years with very senior people, or very wise people and often very sceptical, and sometimes cynical people. When they can look at this, from a self-development perspective, or practical application of affirmation. It has been life changing, career changing, business changing, relationship changing, it's changed any aspect that they apply it to, if you’re doing this from a self-development perspective, because you're taking ownership over. And you're committing to grow as an individual, through that, to be ready for the success that you're trying to create. So immediately affirmations, when they’re positive will really help you instill a sense of belief, optimism, resilience, a clearer sense of your identity, and importantly, your self-confidence. But if you're not taking control of those affirmations, your subconscious affirmations can be undermining your belief, your optimism, your resilience, it can be making you question who you are and what you're about and undermine that self-confidence.

It's about a statement, affirming something to be true. The word that almost gets ignored in that is ‘statement’ because it's about the true and then the affirming. But if you're not making a strong, authentic statement, you've got this undercurrent of gossip and whispering around you.   Your subconscious is whispering what you are, and you're not so good. You shouldn't be here. But actually if you say ‘no, this is what I know to be true about me or this is what I wish to be more true about me. Then that statement is good and strong and talking over that sort of hubbub.  You're taking ownership of that self-talk, and this does start to shape and impact your future self, something we talked about in habits as well, I can see that this has got a really strong link to that

it affects your sense of identity; it's affecting your mental health and your well-being and everything else. But if you think of all the social media, traditional media in addition to all the self-talk that's going on in your own head about questioning, who are you? Are you good enough? Particularly social media, because the volume of that is just so significant in our lives nowadays, that getting you to wonder and question and doubt, or to believe in someone else's solutions for you, that it's about who they are rather than who you could be. If you don't have that solid foundation, you will get blown away in the wind.

Our futures are determined by the quality of the decisions that we make.  Being able to make those decisions from a solid foundation of knowing who you are, and being positive about who you are, you'll make better decisions than someone who's either taking the decision that someone else is telling them to take or taking the decision from a negative or unstable position, because the decisions and choices you make from that position would be very different. Confident people make better decisions.

So if you've got this practice doing well, you'll be a stronger sense of identity, you'll feel stronger in yourself, you make better decisions, which help you move to that future self that you've that you've got out there projected as well.  Better, quicker and clearer decisions. If you are confident on who you are, then the decision becomes very clear very quickly. If you're not sure who you are, then there's a whole range of things you need to consider.

Affirmations not only then help ground you toda.  It also helps you find your tomorrow self.  This is worth doing  because it makes me better today and better tomorrow

At the Operational level: understanding what affirmations are & how to create affirmations that work for you.

At the Management level: how do we apply that to manage our current state to get us into that best possible place of where we are now.

The Strategic element, that future element, is how can we use affirmations, to create, manifest and imagine, to realize that fullest potential that we have.  

We then want to do is construct an affirmation statement. And there's the six P's on this.

1 Personal: it has to begin with I, because this is you taking ownership.

2 Present. It’s a now thing. I now, or I have, or I do, but it's present. It's not ‘one day I will’, or ‘I might’ or ‘I'm aiming for’. It’s saying now so connects with the present.  The Psychology of the importance behind that is the present then it means it connects with you now, saying you have it so psychologically inside you go looking for it, because it's there. When you say I will or I might one day, what you are affirming to yourself as that you don't have that or you're not that or you don't do that.

So you go looking for that character trait inside you connect with it. Somewhere inside you, you see this in these transformation programs where

Welcome to this new episode on Agreement & Commitment. It's a little shorter than normal, because we're dealing with a very specific topic.

This one's been asked for by quite a few people, I think because of the times we're in at the moment. One, we're recording this at the beginning of the year. And so this is the time when everyone's got big plans, strategy documents and kickoffs. And they're keen that they get all their team behind the plan. So there's always discussion: Are the team nodding politely? Or are they really leaning in and getting this. And as we're still in lockdown, many of us are working remotely and so are our teams. Sometimes it's difficult to really understand the passion and the depth of feeling, people have about certain plans. When you can't look people in the eye and when you can't read their body language, sometimes it's more difficult to understand how behind the plan they are, how fully committed they are to the plan. How fully aligned they are with the plan. Do they agree with everything so far?

The key thing is that agreement and commitment are two very different things and the first step is being aware of what you are asking for – and also what is being asked of you.  Stephen explains the logic and pain in choosing accurate disappointment over inaccurate optimism. 

If there are any other direct requests, please just drop us a line. Our email is podcast @coachpro.online.

More notes from the episode below.

Main definition: Agreement - we're on the same page in principle; Commitment - I will make a contribution, do something or take action. 

So agreeing with something doesn't necessarily mean you're going to do something. Whereas commitment is you're actually going to do something whether you agree or not. You can commit to doing something whether you agree or not.  And equally, you can agree with something, but have no intention of doing anything about it. So it's understanding the difference between the two: have you agreed? Or are you committed? And importantly, are you asking for agreement? Or are you asking for commitment

Sometimes we can get them mixed up. Sometimes we can assume. And sometimes we can project onto people. And so it's important that we understand the difference, we communicate the difference, and know what we're asking for. And that we check to make sure that we are both on the same page.   Are we looking for Agreement at this stage, or are we actually looking for a Commitment to do something. As long as we're specific about it, then we're connected, rather than being left exposed by making the wrong assumption about whether you wanted agreement or commitment. Or in reverse, I assume that all you wanted was agreement, but you actually wanted me to do something.

In sales conversations, the number of salespeople who will believe they've got commitment, because someone's agreed to something is the confusion you're talking about.

The “why” this is an important topic is to ensure that we're all on the same page, and we’re either not being let down or letting people down.

For some people, in some situations, agreement and commitment are the same thing. So if you agree to do it, you've also committed. For some people, in some situations, agreement and commitment will be two separate things. There can be agreement with no commitment, and there can be commitment with no agreement.

There are also risks that come if they’re not separated. So if you are someone who, when you agree to do something you always commit, then you can become either spread too thin by being overly committed to too many things. Or you can find yourself never committing because there was something that you couldn't agree on.

If you keep agreement and commitment as the same thing, the risk is that you then project onto other people that if they have agreed, then they must also have committed. And so when you go looking for it and they haven’t done it you’re left disappointed.

At an operational level you need understand that agreement and commitment are two distinct things and then being clear on which one you're looking for, and which one you're prepared to give. 

I know you don't agree with this, but could you do this for me? Now you're looking for commitment without that agreement. So understanding that they're distinct but knowing the relationship between the two and that connection between the two is important.

The people who find it difficult to say yes, even when it is a no-brainer, it’s obvious – used to frustrate me.  Over time I have started to realize that the people who are a little bit more difficult or not so quick to say yes, these tended to be the ones who were preferring to commit. So they have more questions on what it looks like. But the people who I thought were easy, the ones who would say yes, almost without thinking about it, were just saying Yes. So they were agreeable, had no intention of ever of committing to anything. So it was really easy for them to say Yes. Because they weren't bringing the value of commitment too.

Sometimes the prospect will be saying no. And the sales guy will be thinking, this doesn't make any sense. I've told you all of these amazing things. I know they're applicable to you.  Actually you’re saying it's not that that person saying I know that I do agree with your sales pitch. You were very agreeable, but if I say yes to it, in my head, I will actually have to commit to this, to going through with this.  And all that that means - changing supplier, culture change, the implementation and procurement chats. So even though I agree with your sales pitch, I'm not going to agree because the moment I say yes, that's a sign of commitment I have to have to follow through.  And then there are those clients and prospects who have agreement and commitment as two separate things will say yes but they won’t sign the deal. They're the ones clogging up your pipeline.

Agreement is more words. Commitment is more pictures in the mind.

The example that I use is when you say to someone “let's do lunch, let's get to know each other about more socially, in a relaxed different environment, let's go somewhere nice for lunch and get to know each other better. And they go yes we should until you've asked this sort of real key question, which is when? And if the answer is well, let me get back to you. Then, you know, lunch isn't happening anytime soon. Because the, the key difference between agreement and commitment is pictures. 

If I was to say to you when, what day of the week suits you best does breakfast or lunch. suit you better? What's your favourite restaurant, what type of food do you prefer? Now what tends to be better for your schedule. Now, if you have no answers to those questions it is because you have no pictures in your mind, which means you have no commitment. But if you have our Thursdays are good for me, as the breakfast is all better for me, then then lunch, because it's the start of my day. Love Italian food.  In fact that place around the corner from me is ideal. And normally the end of the month is when there’s more time to meet. Now I know we're going to have lunch. There's a commitment to that, not just agreement, in principle.

It's great to get a yes. – and so what you've got is agreement. And now you're only two or three questions away from knowing whether someone is agreeing, or if they’ve also committed. However one of the main reasons people don't ask those next questions is an emotional reason.  They want to believe.  We want to believe that if they've said yes, then they've also committed. However ‘Accurate Disappointment’ is far more valuable than ‘Inaccurate Optimism’. Even if it may be disappointing understanding where you are in terms of commitment it is better to know.

If someone doesn't commit today, it doesn't mean that they aren't going to commit going forward. Sometimes people need to be asked two or three times to get beyond agreement and to commitment.  They may agree with the concept, but not know you well enough or trust you well enough.  It could simply be the timing. But it's still better to have the accurate disappointment, because you can build upon that, rather than inaccurate optimism.

You can ask for both. Do not just ask for one and assume that the other will follow. Asking for both being specific. 

A lot of CEOs will present the business plan to the leadership team. And then they'll say what do you think? What they're asking for is Agreement. Not Commitment.  Commitment would be presenting the plan and then saying: 'Okay, this is what it is. So what are you now going to do with this?'

And so this especially, that makes sense. You see this lots of times where there's a big, glorious, beautiful, well designed, glitzy PowerPoint presentation. And at the end, everyone smiles and claps, enthusiastically.  And so the leader leaves the stage happy, because everyone gets it. But then comes the disappointment because the people in that room have agreed with it, they haven't committed to anything. And so typically that leader then assumes that they didn’t agree. And so he is going to explain it again or better. Because surely once they really agree, then they will commit.  He doesn't think it's a lack of commitment. He thinks it's a lack of agreement

If you're looking for a whole audience to commit, give them something that everybody can commit to doing. And at least then you've got everybody going beyond that line and moving from agreement and attaching a level of commitment to it.

What stops a lot of people committing is fear of the size of the commitment. What does this mean I’ll need to do?   Do I need to go and read books or to go on a course?  Do I need to do six hours a day on this?  All you're looking for them to understand a little bit more. So spec

Welcome to this conversation between Stephen & Warren - in this one we tackle Relationships.  Stephen takes us beyond relationships with friends and colleagues - and we look at how we relate with the world around us.  It's a big idea but boils down to some key principles.

It's a good topic and really helps to drive ownership of your starting position.  Let us know what you think on [email protected].

Some notes from the episode below:

Relationships can be how you relate with people, both personally and professionally, so friends, and colleagues, partners and bosses, but also your relationship with your work, your relationship with possessions, relationships that you might have with habits, or trends or things. And importantly a good relationship with yourself in terms of how you see yourself; your own identity, your purpose and how you relate to that.

So it's how we relate to things in terms of its purpose and value, what we will do for it, and what we expect it to do for us. So that we can make sure that what we're doing is developing, maintaining and redefining relationships; that we have put thought into all these areas in a way that's optimal, that works best for us in terms of being able to shape and own those relationships, but also that it gives us that confidence and sense of personal growth.

The relationship between you and pretty much everything else can be improved or done better overall.  

Relationships are fluid. Alive. They'll have varying degrees of importance, relevance and prominence in my thinking. And that‘s okay.

Important to understand that this lifelong relationship we have with ourselves and everything around about us has an energy and has a flow and that we can either just be on the receiving end, or we can take more ownership of that and start to shape it.

First of all, your need awareness of the relationship and then it's about managing that to make sure that it remains current, relevant and of value. All our relationships have a current value. The relationship you may have had with a new car was a relationship with something that was inspiring you, was motivating you, was giving you focus. Now you've bought the car that relationship with that now needs to change because it's no longer the thing that you're chasing, or you're inspired to go and get. So you now need to change and redefine that relationship.

The more longer term, strategic view on relationships is, what are the future relationships I really want to build that are optimal for everybody involved.

I feel like I'm in a computer game now. And I'm the central character - you're already in that computer game and you're already the central figure. But it depends on whether you want to sit back and wait to see what happens, or whether you want to shape what you want to happen next

Social media may define the relationship with you as being the target. And if you do not redefine that relationship, then that relationship will be defined for you. If someone puts you in a position where they see you as a victim, or someone to pick on or to take advantage of, if you don't redefine that relationship then that’s the relationship.  Choose something better for you rather than it be chosen for you

In terms of your own emotional well-being, then this gives you some sense of control and mastery over that relationship. If you don't put yourself in a position in that relationship, which makes you happy or strong or confident then you're going to get what's coming to you. Sometimes that will be good and sometimes it will be bad, but it's out of your control and being out of control will lead to anxiety, stress or unhappiness. So this is an important way of taking control of things and getting on top of things.

It starts with you. And it's the relationship you have with yourself. That relationship is:what do you want to be able to count on yourself for? What value do you want to bring to that relationship? You will never be able to do it for someone else more than you do it for yourself. That's why it starts with you. 

What would others say I'm good at?

What would others say I could be counted on for?

When I'm at my best, what strengths do I have, when do I tend to shine?

When am I allowed to be the best version of myself?

When am I at my strongest? My most influential?

When am I most proud of who I am and why?

The most beautiful relationships are lifelong. Lifelong relationships require continual redefinition. Because it protects the currency, protects the value, protects the relevance.  It communicates how important that relationship is because it's continually being redefined.

Certain relationships that you can redefine all on your own and there are certain relationships where you're going to have to engage with the thing, or the person and say, ‘Look, this is where I would love this to start going’.

You want to get ahead of the game in a good relationship and say:how can we make this even better?

Setting out an emotional contract is important in building really positive, beneficial, mutually respected relationships. I've also seen it being the thing that destroys and breaks relationships.  

Often in business when you're pitching to get a client we don't tell the client why it's so important to you. You don't make it clear what you're getting from this relationship. And yet you expect or hope that relationship to evolve into more than just a transaction.  When people know how important they are to you and to the process then you've got a relationship that's more than just the formal transaction reason that got you together in the first place.

You have a relationship already with all people and all things, you're just going to be more consciously aware that you have that relationship. And some of those relationships are hopefully fantastic, fulfilling, loving, rewarding relationships that you want for the rest of your life. And there's others that have the potential to get closer to that. And then there's some relationships that you may want to start that you haven't started yet. Because this is how you can really start a relationship on a really sound footing. Because it's based upon value and trust and communication.

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Welcome to this conversation between Stephen & Warren - in this conversation we cover Habits.  I was surprised the direction this topic took us - it was much more about our core being and future self than I was expecting - and much less about building systems with triggers.  

It's a strong model and explanation which should create much longer lasting change and habits - let us know what you think on [email protected].

Some notes from the episode below:

Habits are the things that we do. And if we do them consistently enough, repeat them enough that they just become how we do things. Sometimes it's a conscious habit - we are making sure that when we do something, we do it in a certain way we do it to a certain level of quality or consistency. And then there's also a lot of subconscious habits that it just seems to be the way I've always done it, or I've never thought of an alternative. Or it works so I just thought that's the way it's done. So you have conscious habits and subconscious habits.

There are some habits that don't necessarily work for you. And this is how I would define good habits and bad habits. It depends on whether the habit takes you to where you want to get to or not.

Routine is kind of a process, it's about efficiency, you get into the routine of doing something, so you get into the rhythm of something, or you get into the flow of something, you're going along with something.  But habits are an inner thing.   

You create a routine; you adopt a habit.

Where habits come from are your core beliefs and values. So if that automatic response or that way of doing things aligns with your core beliefs and values you'll continue to do it, then you then form a habit.

You could be in a routine of doing things that doesn't align with your core beliefs and values, therefore will never become a habit for you. It's just something you follow - a routine.

Getting stuck in a rut, is when you're stuck in a routine that used to work for you, it no longer works for you anymore.

Self-development is about looking at how you can own your habits, rather than self-improvement is just blocking out the bad habits.

The point or the self-development is taking ownership of those habits, disciplines, routines, to say "Right, how do I get those to work for me?" - rather than how do I continue dealing with the fact that they’re no longer working for me?

As soon as you become more consciously aware of whether that routine is taking in the direction you want to go or actually excluding you from getting where you want to go, then that's when you need to look at more consciously taking ownership of seeing a need to create a new habit, or create a new routine, or create a new discipline. And without going into all the things that it could be failed to. To be honest, whether you call it habit, routine discipline, whatever you call it, that's what it is for you.

There are habits you will want to improve or let go of or replace and there are also habits you really want to hold on to and protect, and maybe treat them with a bit more precious.

Do you have the habit of writing the to-do list or are you in the habit of executing on the list?

Consciously looking at your habits and understanding why good things happen for you. By being able to understand those success habits, then it takes you away from two really important things. One, just thinking it's just Luck or secondly the Imposter syndrome, Understanding your habits is really, really important for your self-confidence for your mental health, for your sense of empowerment, sense of control, sense of ownership, so that you're not leaving that to luck, or fate, or other people's opinions.

Habits are your subconscious, automatic routines of behaviour, if you're not careful, you'll explain away every habit. But actually, sometimes it's just malware in your system. So be aware of it, and own it, because this, this demonstrates you, and you can try and put a spin on it afterwards. But sometimes this is you said, this shows who you are your actions. And if 50% of your actions are automatic, and run by your subconscious, then may not be always the best for you.

You are going to be having a bunch of operating system habits running on them get to the see them have a really good proper look at them. The conscious ones, the subconscious ones, and then what decide which ones need to be updated, which ones need to be deleted, which ones need to be protected and which new ones to be introduced.

Self-development is actually you taking ownership and habits rather than listening to other people's, you know, inverted commas, good habits, success habits, their secret habits  because you're taking ownership of your habits. Rather than pretending to be someone else who's written a book or stood on a stage or done a podcast with their secrets for success.  That's not to invalidate their own habits for success. But they're their habits for success. Self-development is about taking ownership and creating your own habits for success.

The habit is driven by thoughts, words and actions. So, what comes just before the habit, as you're thinking, your words and your actions, you're doing it because you think it's okay. And what comes before the thoughts, words and actions is that person's core beliefs and values.

Your habits will present a perception of your character. And that perception of your character determines the last part of this model, which is the future opportunities that you get.

A habit is what you do consistently, habit is that consistent behaviour.  Consistently showing a behaviour then which can show you in a particular light. And now you can understand how your core values and beliefs are impacting your future state of your future self?

The motivation comes from the future opportunity. And that's what's most important, rather than just a criticism of that habit.  It starts with the end in mind, where do you really want to be getting to? That is the motivation for change in habit. And so then you need to make sure that that's alignment between core beliefs and values, thoughts, words and actions, habit, perception of character down to future opportunities, there's a straight line all the way down, rather than any disconnects.

Having a strong enough purpose and vision of how things could be is so exciting actually feeds down towards your core beliefs and values.

Always starts with that end in mind. Protect the habits that you're really working for you but also to upgrade the habits that maybe used to work for you but don’t work for you so much now.

If you are looking to become a fantastic parent, or a fantastic manager, or a fantastic owner,  a fantastic partner then ask yourself, what would the perception of my character need to be? And what habit reinforces that?

If the opportunity is to become a non-smoker as opposed to trying to get rid of the habit smoking then the end in mind gives you the motivation to look at your core beliefs and values, but also gives you the day-to-day actions.  That future self-image, you see yourself as a nonsmoker, you don't then want to smoke. But if you see yourself as someone who's trying to give up smoking, you're still a smoker.

high performance habits. High performance is not allowing yourself some options. Yeah, it's not an option for me automatically.  People who have really good relationships are the ones who normally through by the experience, know to draw the line quicker. Let's not let this argument continue. Let's not allow it to be an option for us to fester.   Those are those are really good relationship habits because there are lines that have been drawn. 

Can I develop habits that are genuine and authentic for me? Because you're unlimited in your potential.  In terms of your capability - Unlimited, as long as you want it enough.

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Welcome to our Conversation about Change - with Stephen Gribben and Warren Hammond.

Change is a big topic - but it is something we all know is happening around us, to us, by us all of the time.  Stephen explains the benefits of using Change to build a better outcome for yourself.  It's a big topic and we cover a lot.  Let us know what you think at [email protected].  Some notes from the episode are below - Enjoy.

Notes from the Podcast:

Change can be a good thing – Progress is change.  Disruption is the big brother in the change family – and adjusting is the little one.  Change is all around us – but how to make sure we are changing for the better.

"Change is neither a good thing or a bad thing, it's a thing. And depending on what you change, why you change, and then importantly, how you change things, will determine whether that changes it for the better or not".

Things will change and either you do it or somebody else does it for you.  Or to you.

Sometimes, you're just sleepwalking into change -  there was no conscious point of realising you're going through change.  And then you get really good at managing how change happens to you.

What I will say to people about change is change can be an absolutely fantastic and essential thing. If you change the right things, for the right reasons, and the right way.

Change is a continuous thing. It is happening around you. And maybe you're not seeing it, but it's going on.

3 boxes/approaches model

1. First one: Deny it.  Pretend it doesn't affect you. 
2. Second:  Fight it – resist it and search for alternatives.  Or
3. Third: Use it - how can I channel this? How can I see this as an opportunity?

The great thing about change is that nothing bad is going to last forever. At the same time you know that nothing good is going to last forever.

When companies have to launch a transformation programme, that's just a public admission, they haven't been changing as much as they should have been doing on an ongoing basis.

Change doesn't have to be painful. But if you've not been to the gym for a while, and you're trying to do something that you've not trained for – you’re going to feel pain.  What you know is that pain was always going to be there. But you either spread it out or you do in a big bang. 

It shouldn’t be something you get through or something you complete, rather than it being a continual process of improvement

Some businesses view on Change seems to be more a wedding day rather than a marriage

If you still want to be the parent that you are today, you're gonna have to redefine that relationship to still be the same parent in five or 10 years

Healthy Dissatisfaction x Strong Vision x Clear First Step > Resistance to Change

Startups tend to be more disruptive because they've just got less resistance to change, because they don't really have much to protect at that point.

Change is not an event. Change is an ongoing process. And therefore, it's making sure that you've got the percentages of things in the right order to make sure that continual change can be successful. Try to change 100%, it's just going to break. And the likelihood is that you end up with a poor version of what you already had.

80-16-4: For successful change to happen, the first 80% must stay the same. The next 16% must also stay the same, but that can be better, faster, different. And then that allows for 4% to be new.

Don’t get pace and scale confused.  If you want to make 100% new, do 4% new every hour by tomorrow and then it'll be 100% different.  For successful change, you need 80% to stay the same for now. So there might be some things that you're going to want to change. But, for now, they need to stay the same.

The communication of Change should start from what must stay the same. Otherwise, when you talk about the thing that is new, no one hears the rest. Because they're into an emotional place of I like or I don't like and they don't hear the rest.

The thing I would ask everybody to do is get on the journey with Change. And if the thing that's holding you back is the fear of losing or leaving stuff behind, take it with you. But get on the journey. Go and discover. Otherwise you can sit back and wait to someone tells you what they think is good enough for you.

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This is a great topic - impactful in so many situations.  I refer to it regularly and it was good to go through it in more detail with Stephen.

Optimal Appraisal allows us to best reframe and consider our experience to ensure we are best placed to reach the outcome we have in mind. Good, bad, indifferent, hard, easy, unexpected... all are important ingredients in creating the future.

Some notes below I jotted down during the conversation - hope they help.

Any thoughts and comments - let us know at [email protected].

Thanks for sharing and subscribing - it really helps.

Here are the notes:

Optimal appraisal is when we’re assessing with a good outcome in mind

An appraisal is different from judgement – which can be emotional.  An appraisal is making a logical, intelligent and considered assessment of people and situations

Informal and Formal appraisals – we’re constantly “informally” assessing our lives, situations, environment, memories, work, opportunities, relationships.  Learning to optimally appraise will improve all our appraisals – formal, informal and subconscious

A formal appraisal is “let’s check in with where we are” – and isn’t only at work.  It’s something we do all the time – ask ourselves a conscious question “how are we about X today?”

Optimal appraisal will allow you to make big, disruptive steps and transformational change

Suboptimal appraisal means the past trajectory will determine the future path

Optimal and optimistic is different from positive – Optimal is “I understand what has happened and still believe that good things can happen.  Positivity is more a blind belief that good things will happen – should happen”

3 key areas in an optimal appraisal – Past – Present – Future

Typically, people will spend too much time in the past and ignore the present altogether.  The optimal distribution of time is 20:30:50

So, if you’ve got an hour – that means you spend 12 minutes on the past. 

The past is important – everything that has occurred – the good, the bad, the unexpected, the easy, the hard – it’s important to acknowledge and identify the past

When you know the past doesn’t define the future – it allows you to be more honest.

If you view your past as all good - or as all bad – you’re missing something important

Present – the present disrupts the future being a continuation of the past.  It acts as a trampoline, a springboard, a catalyst allowing you to dramatically alter the trajectory, the course of your future.  It allows you to aim for the spectacular – the transformative

5 key things for Present in Optimal Appraisal

1 Experience: What experience do I now have

2 Expertise: What expertise do I now have

3 Knowledge: What do I now know for certain

4 Ability: What can I now do

5 Qualification: What are we now qualified to do

Altogether – this means we are in our strongest position ever

This process transforms the past into rocket fuel for the future – what are you going to do with it – all this new and learnt talents

You’re in your strongest position ever – what should you be aiming for?

Process allows you to reframe all experience as something learned to help you move forward to the end in mind

“what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger – I’d rather it wasn’t a 50:50 call but what Optimal Appraisal does is ask “How did this make you stronger?”

What do you now know for sure that you didn’t know before

Go back further into your past if you cannot find something to reconnect to

All of these things enable you to understand that you’ve never been in a better situation today to achieve something amazing tomorrow

Considered optimism beats positivity built on hope

Operational: Be aware that appraisals can be optimal

Management: Start to manage your “informal” appraisals more optimally – don’t dwell on your past but don’t ignore it.  Use it.

Strategically: By building the discipline to optimally appraise formally and informally you will be better placed to drive better subconscious decisions

Projects and Plans – trajectory does not need to be linear – past failures do not need to limit the future

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This topic came about after we were chatting about “fatigue” - how we are all dealing with new situations that - perhaps - seem to be having a tougher or different impact on us than we expected.

But it’s also the case that we all feel like this regularly - not just during a pandemic.  New jobs, new family situations, new relationships, new expectations, periods of excitement and boredom can all lead to a sense of fatigue - we just don’t name them all the time.

In this conversation Stephen shares a definition for Burnout - prolonged exposure to excess stress.  And then breaks this down to 3 different components - physical, emotional and psychological.

There’s an understanding that from time to time we all be “stressed’ - and that is not necessarily a bad thing - in fact it is often a great thing.  But we do need to have enough self awareness to understand when it’s moving from exceptional and occasional to prolonged and habitual.  That’s when we’re heading to Burnout.

There’s discussions on how to approach each of the 3 legs on this metaphorical "stool" - and which should you fix first if it gets a little wonky - the physical, the emotional or the psychological.

Any comments or thoughts -  get in touch with on the email [email protected]

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Welcome to Episode 16 in which Stephen explains that we all have 2 inner drivers - "Senses of Service".  One is to Ourselves and one is to Others.  The key here is that one is dominant - in all of us - and that once we understand this we can use this to better connect and to influence.

You will hear that I regularly try to label one as better than the other and it is clear that this is not helpful - or correct.  I'm still working on it...

Interesting model and insight - using this right will help you drive better performance from yourself and from your teams.  Some notes are copeid below.

Thank you for downloading, subscribing and sharing.  Your support is wonderful.  Any comments/suggestion - let us know at [email protected]

EPISODE NOTES:

There are 2 major drivers in this model – Sense of Service to Self; and Sense of Service to Others

We all have both – but one is more dominant – sometimes it is marginal – but there is always a dominant one

Understanding the Sense of Service allows you to connect with other people’s internal drivers

You will be able to better connect, to better influence and be better influenced by understanding this motivation

By respecting and understanding their drivers it allows you to be authentic to your own motivation

This isn’t about what people do – it’s about the reasons they do it.  You cannot see which is dominant by what people do.

One is not more positive than the other.

Sense of service to self does not mean selfish – and sense of service to others does not make you sacrificial

Making a judgement on whether one is more positive or stronger is a blocker to genuinely understanding and using this insight

If you have to label them, label them both as “this can be a good thing”

The good news is that it is a 50:50 call – try one on for size – if it works – great.  If it doesn’t it means you can try the other approach with conviction

Differences outlined in categories – Fear; Voice; Order; Good day; Bad day

Sense of Service to Self

1 Fear – they have a fear of letting themselves down.  Note – they don’t want to let others down also – but their primary motivation is the fear of letting themselves down

2 Voice – they interpret everything through their own voice.  They have an opinion and an angle on what you’re saying

3 Order – they want to go first.  Until they’ve done their bit/spoken – they are not ready for others

4 Good day – on a good day they are convinced that if they get to where they want to get to – it’s good for everyone

5 Bad day – on a bad day they feel isolated – they have to do everything alone

Sense of Service to Others

1 Fear – they don’t want to let others down

2 Voice – they make their own decisions but hear others' opinions

3 Order – They prefer to go second – to respond to the others

4 Good day – if they help enough people, they will get to the good place

5 Bad day – resent the amount of needs they have from others

Stephen used the example of his book – when he realised he wasn’t writing it for himself, he completed it within weeks

"To be honest – I don’t really care which one motivates you – but once I understand it, I connect to it and position everything better”

One is dominant – but you must make sure that both are aligned.

Aligning the two will improve performance – it will amplify your motivation

Don’t try to match with someone else’s motivation – connect your authentic reason to theirs

Being successful is not determined by which sense of service you have – one is not stronger than the other.  They’re just different.

Charities are full of people with both profiles – what’s important is the positive impact they’re having and not why they’re doing it

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In this episode Stephen and I discuss "Connection" and how it is much more than a shared contact, a shared history or a shared workplace - these are simply things we have in common. Connection is more and is vital for Influence - your ability to shape and to influence and also your willingness to be shaped.

Some time is also spent on understanding your heroes - and why to admire them.  This is a bridge to better connecting with yourself which then helps you to better connect with others.

And Stephen guides us into how it's possible to connect to anyone - even those you are certain you cannot - by positively looking for something to admire.

Some interesting topics in this one - and a small bonus at the end which made me smile.

Below are some notes I took - hope you find them useful.  Any comments - email us at [email protected] and also make sure to check Stephen's self coaching site - coachpro.online

Thanks

Notes:

• Connection is not the same thing as having things in common
• Being clear about the difference allows you to set the right expectations
• Working for the same business doesn’t mean we are connected – we just work in the same place
• For us to have a connection – I’d need to understand what that shared memory means for you – and you for me
• Having something in common is a good place to start identifying who you can connect with
• Time doesn’t create a connection – it just gives you more shared moments
• A common conclusion can mean being on the same page – but if you haven’t got there for the same reasons you may not have a connection
• Why would you want to connect?   Either you want to connect to help to shape – influence – “it” or you want “it” to shape and influence you.
• You cannot influence without connection – otherwise you’re trying to influence from a distance, and it won’t land
• If you cannot connect you won’t be a proactive influencer
• Good to understand this and so you can choose who and what you are connected to – if you don’t choose someone else will.
• 3 levels of connection – Intuitive – Emotional – Intellectual
• This process helps you to better connect to yourself
• Connecting better internally – allows you to connect better externally
• The characteristics you admire in others – or dislike in others – come from your own inner workings
• You identify with characteristics that you recognise as being within you
• To admire you have to connect – to connect you have to identify – to identify you need to see it – to see it you need to recognise it
• A group of people may identify one popular hero – but we will choose different reasons because – intuitively – we are connecting with characteristics we see within ourselves
• What we admire in others is a projection of what we have inside – one reason good people are fooled by bad people – they can’t recognise the traits and reasons for why people would do it
• Hate is similar – you “hate” characteristics that you can identify with
• “you are saying that these are the characteristics I have – whether or not I’m showing them or disconnected from them
• People project different characteristics onto successful people
• Operational: Be aware of the characteristics
• Managerial: Broaden out your characteristics by considering who else you admire
• Strategic: Choose which characteristics you should connect to for different situations
• “I bring my board with me to help me to host events”
• Ask your self – who do you admire in these situations – and what would they tell you?
• However big your plan – if you think you can do it alone – you’re not thinking big enough
• You get to choose who you want – have fun! There are incredible people out there.
• We’re more scared to admire nowadays – we’re worried about being proved wrong
• There are fantastic people out there – let them in!
• To connect – look for qualities you can admire in the person you are meeting
• Whatever you go looking for – you’ll find – choose to look for something positive.
• “What can I admire about this person” – find something
• Law of Reciprocation – the more you connect and admire about them – the more they will connect and admire you
• It is about admiration – not liking – a person or an organisation

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In this episode Stephen and I discuss Power & Influence - namely the 2 forces that you can use to “make things happen”

This is a big topic and you’ll see from my questions and answers that it is easy to become a little confused and even disorientated.  I did anyway.

But we get there in the end - and by ‘there” I mean a deeper understanding of the role that Power & Influence can play.  And more importantly it was clear that by understanding these forces you will be better equipped to manage and plan for the right results.

Listening back I think I wish pushing too hard for a simple checklist to make things better - similar to other episodes - but in this instance it’s going to take a bit more work.

Let me know what you think - [email protected] - be kind and constructive!  Below are some notes from the episode:  I’ll pop back at the end with some summary notes I wrote up after we finished.

• "Making Something Happen" – is an important part of the Human Condition – as well as a key requirement for successful management and leadership
• Start with clarity – what do you want to make happen and why
• Remember “Why to the Power of 7” – have at least 7 good reasons why you want to do this
• Clarity will help you make the distinction between ‘Making something happen” and “Making anything happen” – sometimes we just want to see action instead of a clear outcome
• Power is what you can make happen when “you’re in the room” – when you’re present
• Influence happens when you’re not present
• Power: What you can do.  Influence: What you can get done
• Building up Influence builds up your capacity to get more things done
• If you have the time – build up your influence.  Otherwise use power.
• The more powerful you are the harder it is to influence – your influence needs to be bigger than your power.  Otherwise people will only see Power.
• If you underestimate your Power, you’ll under-develop your Influence
• Hierarchy of Communication: Could – Should – Must
• Power: 20% formal and 80% informal
• Influence: 20% Direct and 80% Indirect
• It’s a ratio relative to you and not to the room
• Informal power can be developed – inner work
• The more power you gain the harder to be influential
• One way to see the dynamic change is after a promotion – your influence drops as your power has grown
• Don’t deny your power – focus instead on building your influence
• Understand your audience to reduce the barriers to influence – sometimes they’ll see you as powerful and sometimes as influential – be aware of what you’re doing & the difference
• It’s the action that they will judge – not the intention
• I can be influenced by those I have a connection with and who don’t have a “Power Barrier”
• How can you maximise your influence? Build & foster a network of advocates and supporters
• Until you have built influence you will need to use Power – starting up an enterprise/project

Strategies – 3 levels – Operational, Managerial, Strategic

1 Operational: Be aware of the amount of Power you’re bringing into the situation so you can calibrate your influence

2 Managerial: You actively manage the situation to use influence or power to achieve optimal result

3 Strategic: You are working out the different ways you can build both Power and Influence

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