AlternaTive

Therapy refers to healing and practices, in this case, not formalized therapy with a clinician. As someone who is late diagnosed autistic and experiences chronic illness, I share how I've been working from the ground (bottom) up, and literally lying on the ground, to create a more attuned relationship to my body, and what its really like to be here in a body, to better meet and advocate for my needs.

Yourself, spirit, the universe, nature, friends, family, lovers, the community. We are living in dystopian, greedy times, yet our minds and collective consciousness are developing different values and imaginations outside of what is currently being lived and the ways in which humans and the earth are being exploited. Still, there is hope that lives within us, joy, and love. That glimmer of hope is energy that can be given towards community, relationships, and taking small actions in love and care to work towards a system that values everyone equally. 

Some thoughts and experiences since I've been on a little hiatus.

Discussing the wholeness of our most personal stories and experiences, how observing art resonates so deeply in the heart, how someone else's specific, detailed story somehow feels like ours or the world's story. While these stories may have not happened to us literally, we can sense them, it's like we know them, that they've happened or will happen to us in some form, that they are happening in the world, we are honored to hear them, and we are blessed to feel them in this mysterious way that reveals our shared humanity. We get to learn the depths of others which mirror our own shadows and complexities, the chaos and curiosity of it all, the wonder in being alive, the suffering of death, temptation, failure, and darkness. Our deepest pains are not only ours, but pains the world cries for, and we may cry for the suffering of the world too. Through art, poetry, music, dance, singing, any kind of adornment, creation, expression, we become ourselves through a language of the heart with meaning that is shared and connects us in the deepest sense through the vastness of it all.  

There is a pattern between those in roles of authority who care for vulnerable populations. Whether its not being allowed to go to the restroom without asking in school, ideas being disregarded as children, wisdom being brushed off or being unheard and unseen with your doctor, for those who experience chronic illness, for individuals who have had traumatic gynecologist experiences, and those who have been dismissed, sometimes further traumatized by therapists, there is an issue of refusal to respect people's autonomy and hear their lived experiences, to believe children, patients, students, clients, and to treat people in need of care and support as equals. Commonly in these roles, within the institutions of education, still learning outdated information as truth (such as issues within the DSM and fatphobia in the medical field) as well as the narrative norms of dominance and power, this power is often abused, maybe sometimes subconsciously. It is essential for all "experts" to retract that title and learn from their children, patients, and clients too, to believe the people that they are "helping" and to show up compassionately, to intentionally cultivate a deeper understanding for the validity and importance of other's lived experiences and needs. We must expand our understanding of the complexity and capacity of humans especially when we find ourselves in a trusted role.

As someone who deals with anxiety and decision fatigue daily, I've decided to conduct an experiment... I am going to fully do this thing and parent myself through this thing of trusting myself. I have been living for a future that never  comes- a future of free time and me time, but any moment that I might have an opportunity, I'll then stress myself out about "self-care" and battle myself mentally about which order I should do things and why I need to do all of these things because they are good for me... Needless to say, it's not working out for me. When I find myself making the same excuses as to why I can't take a break and tend to a need in the moment, I remind myself that maybe that has worked out for me on the outside and barely, but it doesn't feel good. I've done the things- now what? 

I am leaning into trusting myself and trusting presence, to tend to the task or moment at hand now, and the future ones then. If I take care of present me now, future me will then be taken care of; I will have the capacity to show up for myself in the future because tending to myself now is the most soothing and energizing for all me's in all time periods. I can't prevent future anxiety by experiencing a profusion of current anxiety.  Music is a tool that has been assisting me in bringing myself back to the present moment, as I can sway only to the beats that are occurring exactly when they are. It is validating to move around and express in such a way of.. expression... of gratitude, of pure fun.. Music and dance is such a helpful mood regulator and tool for processing trauma. Anyway, love you all. Try it on for size as you see fit :)

Kiss me

Pour into me so I may be warm for others

Lend me some gold fairy dust

I wish I was as high as you

So natural and known- your meaning and timing

But I've already floated among the clouds, so perhaps I'd be better in the ground

Rooted in the ground, I mean

I wish access to nature was a human right

I wish human activity was organized around protecting our mother and abundance for all others

But then we would know all others is the same as none, the same as one, the same as God

Sometimes I feel like the suffocated earth underneath the pavement

Sometimes I feel like I'm longing on the rings of Saturn- watching her, me, taking apart and connecting the world she sees

I must run into the woods

And reach a stream

No one else to tell me it's time to leave

Where else would I go to scream?

To sing?

To swim?

What do we mean when we compare moments to movies? Usually these moments that we think could be filmed are moments that are shocking, awe-inspiring, dramatic... These moments are our realist moments of expression of emotion (”acting out" means literally that they are physically embodying/expressing something from within). These moments could have been written by someone very creative because they are so unimaginable- could have been "scripted." Well, the truth is, we are scripting and acting in life, but it takes a lot of people and roles to create a movie. Our reality can go as far and wide as our imagination. We first have to collaborate and script (ie: talk, discuss, write, organize) and then it can be acted out (enacted). It is time to think bigger than the existing, meager solutions that we so comfortably refer to in politics. In Rutger Bregman's Utopia for Realists, he address how Donald Trump, Borris Johnson, and other leaders moved the Global North farther right by frequently shouting shocking, unacceptable, outrageous ideas, so that when they reduced those ideas down by just a little, they then became acceptable (2017). These leaders broadened the scope, so anything less than the most extreme versions became digestible; the more extreme versions gathered support. So how do we create a better world? We start with bold ideas and talk about them frequently. Overtime, they become more and more acceptable and gather more support... Big ideas like universal basic income for everyone in the world and open borders.

How can we resist oppression that reduces people to their bodies, exploits labor, and dehumanizes as a primary tool for continued power? Pleasure-based activism is a personal and communal liberation from our own internalized negative and untrue thoughts derived from those who manipulated reality/society/institutions. Pleasure-based activism intentionally and naturally demands the inclusion of all humans and their right to pleasure, joy, balance, and rest. See the humanity in those doing the work by demanding less of them and fighting so that everyone has the resources to experience the highs of humanness. 

This can start with ourselves and granting ourselves permission, grace, and freedom to explore, to indulge, to laugh, and to love. We can set ourselves free from, "I have to be productive all the time to be valuable," by giving ourselves permission to rest and assigning meaning and learning the value of rest. We can set ourselves free from, "I should have a certain body and enviously compare myself to others," by connecting to our own bodies- body neutrality, body positivity, somatic practices that connect us to our bodies. We can begin to celebrate unique bodies and the innate beauty in all. I like to set myself free of needing to dress a certain way, by giving myself permission to wear only fabrics and designs that make me comfortable and free. Give yourself permission to be your full, multi-faceted self. Find spaces where you are welcome. Create space for everyone.

Here's the story: Human nature is selfish. We have always been and will always be. When others gain, you lose. Fight your way to the top no matter what it costs. Equality and happiness just aren't tangible. Sorry. Your worth is dependent on your productivity. Your value is dependent on your appearance matching models'. You don't have enough still. You are not enough still. 

Don't buy it? Come with me, where I try to explain my intent with this podcast. There are alternatives. The missing 90% of history, evolution, politics, etc. I seek knowledge that is true. We are innately good and we have an abundance of resources for everyone. Too good to be true? The narrative and language that makes up our reality tells us to see the worst in ourselves and others. The systems we have in place are centered around distrusting those who live in poverty, those who are different than the "norm" we created, so that we can keep operating how those in power see fit. We are living this way and no one is benefiting. After a long break, I am here to explore the alternatives again including embodiment, integration, connection, community, and authenticity.