Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is part three of the four part series with Salimah, single mother of three. This week, Leslie and Salimah focus on 5 year old Terrel. Terrel is the youngest child and also the only “man of the house.” He is typically a happy go-lucky child. But there are other behaviors that have Salimah confused and frustrated. He can sometimes say mean things, he can be quick to anger and he is dealing with issues with his bowel movements. These different parts of the same child motivated Salimah to come to this session to understand what is at the root of these behaviors.

Time Stamps

• 2:35 Reviewed homework of validation
• 5:16 Learning how to read the shoulder shrugs and what they mean
• 7:40 When our children “push our buttons” which really describe our vulnerabilities
• 8:15 ABC of looking at a child’s behavior: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence in order to understand problem behavior
• 13:29 Give your child back the actual problem without personalizing their behavior.
• 14:01 When children say mean things it's often a reflection of how they are doing
• 26:05 Children can have control of their lives in two ways: eating and bowel movements
• 26:50 Control helps the child feel a sense of safety.
• 30:52 Finding other means to find happiness
• 31:30 Dealing with his vulnerabilities of his sad and angry emotions
• 34:09 Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions
• 34:35 Give your child the chance to feel capable and independent
• 36:48 Teach him to be able to handle the fears

Resources

• An article on Encopresis in children
• Leslie's handout on The Need to Feel Capable
• Leslie's List of Ideas for Making Kids Feel Capable

Leslie-ism: Give your child a chance to feel capable

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to part 2 of our 4-part series with Salima, a single mother of three children with very different needs. Last week we discussed her middle child, 7 year old Rene. This week we focus on her oldest, 13 year old Alani. Alani has been getting in trouble at school and uses the “shoulder shrug” to dismiss all of Salimah’s attempts to connect. Tune in to hear Leslie talk Salimah through ways to give your child the time and space to open up to you.

Time Stamps:

• 13:10 and 17:30 Narrate what you are doing so others can learn
• 13:30 Choosing your words more intentionally
• 14:00 Using imagery such as the ring of fire to increase the learning and understanding of a concept or skill.
• 15:27 Starting with validation before we start problem-solving
• 17:54 When you ask the direct “why” questions, it can be like flashing a flashlight in someone’s eyes. Instead make statements or observations
• 19:30 Shifting your expectations - short term vs long term parenting
• 20:09 Role play
• 21:33 Getting your reserved or shut down child to engage in conversation.
• 22:51 Say less and give them space
• 23:11 The dominoes metaphor
• 27:20 The 5 communications of the shoulder shrug - it means different things at different times
• 29:31 Parent’s job description - helping a child understand who they are. To know who you are.
• 31:18 The gift of connection - when our children think we know them better than they know themselves
• 34:12 The six levels of validation (show notes link and possible newsletter or sample video)
• 35:57 Validation is in the eye of the beholder

Resources:

• The 6 levels of validation
• Video of the Domino Analogy
• How to guide to validation worksheet Leslie sent Salimah home with

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Turn your challenges into opportunities

This week we meet Salimah, single mother of three wonderful children, 13-year-old Alani, 7-year-old Rene, and 5-year-old Terrel. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all, and Leslie’s sessions with Salimah are a perfect example of that. The first of this four-part series focuses on middle child Rene. Salimah needs help figuring out why is Rene destroying her room, and how to handle those big emotions.

TIME STAMPS

6:58 The three states of mind- emotion mind, reasonable mind, wise mind

8:05 The ring of fire as a metaphor when your child is emotionally dysregulated

12:50 Explaining the difference between a trigger vs prompting event

• Can you identify the five prompting events that set you off to emotion mind

15:50 Power of pause - the gift of the pause

16:55 Re-considering the use of time-out as a form of punishment

20:40 Create a toolbox of alternatives of how to react when your child has the big emotions; how can you connect and at the same time to give her space

• Redirect them to do another activity such as go outside
• Problem-solving or engaging in conflict resolution with the other person
• Validate and stop talking. Sometimes talking less is more effective.

23:12 Narrate what you are doing and what you are thinking, as both a model and a strategy in difficult times

25:49 Change your language away from “I’m in combat with my children,” which implies that they are your enemy

27:44 Having children put a mirror to us, and show us the ways we need to grow.

33:00 Rules of the game - share with your children what you are thinking and doing

Show Note Links:

• A visual explanation of the three states of mind
• Video on three states of mind
• Leslie’s blog posting explaining the three states of mind
• Leslie’s newsletter on becoming aware of violent language: Why words matter?
• Two articles on why time-outs aren’t effective: https://kidcrew.com/why-time-outs-are-not-effective

https://childmind.org/article/are-time-outs-harmful-kids/

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Keep in mind: your words have power and you can choose what to say.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Brains can be confusing - how they work, what they do, how yours is different from other people's. And explaining brains to kids can be a challenge. Today’s special guest is Dr. Liz Angoff, an Educational Psychologist who specializes in explaining brains to kids and their families. She primarily works with families undergoing assessment and diagnosis, but her tools and language are helpful for anyone who has a brain. Leslie has been recommending her book and website to clients for years.

About our guest: Liz Angoff, Ph.D., is a Licensed Educational Psychologist with a Diplomate in School Neuropsychology, providing assessment and consultation services to children and their families in the Bay Area, CA. Dr. Liz’s mission is to empower children and families by helping them understand their amazing, unique brains. She is the author of the Brain Building Books, tools for engaging children in understanding their learning and developmental differences as part of the assessment process. More information about Dr. Liz and her work is available atwww.ExplainingBrains.com.

Timestamps:

7:50 Understanding the difference between the medical model diagnosis and neurodivergent affirming language approach

10:40 Different is not broken, different is a mismatch (between child and environment)

17:41 Diagnosis can be powerful tool, gives you the language that can help meet our child’s needs

20:10 Validating a child’s struggle is powerful

20:53 How do you tell your child about their assessment

28:12 How do I help my child to not have such a hard time

32:27 Three things that Liz wants parents to take away from this conversation

Resources:

• Visit her website, full of wonderful resources
• Here is the script for explaining a diagnosis Dr. Liz mentioned in this episode
• You can find her book, The Brain Building Book, here

Leslie-ism: Dr. Liz said "Talk to your child about their brain, do it early, do it often.”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the final session with Emilee and David. Emilee felt a big difference when she stepped back from her son’s big reactions and no longer took his words and actions personally; that’s a huge achievement. David said he felt less pressure on himself as a parent—also a huge achievement. In this session, Leslie also explained creative ways to teach children about emotions, like using children’s books and other media. Leslie also addresses Jack’s neuropsychological testing and the results. Leslie supports Emilee and David as they digest this helpful information while remembering to see Jack as a whole person.

Time Stamps

• 10:55 Throwing up analogy: a way to not take your children’s words personally
• 12:05 Neuropsychological testing and school accommodations
• 17:35 How to teach your child about emotions- books, model it, watch other people, tell stories
• 24:01 Concept: being able to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time
• 24:41 Bibliotherapy: using books to help teach children
• 26:50 Receiving a diagnosis, and how to make it helpful and useful
• 30:45 Movement breaks
• 37:27 Childrens are like puppies: they all have big paws that they grow into, just like children and their big emotions

Resources:

• Video of throwing up analogy
• Handout of feeling words for kids
• Dr. Liz Angoff’s Website and resources: How to explain testing to kids
• Leslie’s sample list of books she likes to read with children

Leslie-ism: Let’s honor the individual learning styles of child and adults alike

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David. In the first session, we learned about Jack, their six-year-old son who is having trouble expressing his emotions. He often defaults to kicking and saying “I don’t know.” In this episode, Leslie looks closer at their differing parenting styles: David wants to get to the bottom of it, and Emilee tends to distract and redirect. Is it important to be on the exact same page as your partner when it comes to parenting styles? And what happens when what you dislike about your partner’s approach is exactly what’s missing from your own.

Time Stamps

• 10:38 Anticipatory Anxiety: kids and adults can get more upset by the anticipation of the event than the event itself.
• 15:57 It’s not misperception, but rather simply having a different perception
• 18:00 Instinct to “get to the bottom of it” might be causing more stress
• 18:30 Can we normalize emotions rather than inflating them
• 19:18 When you have different parenting styles: determine what’s working and what’s not working.
• 19:45 How to get the best of both worlds
• 22:08 Emily distracts and redirects (indirect) David wants to get to the bottom of things (direct)
• 26:05 Announce and name what you are doing, the change you’re imposing
• 29:35 Their homework: Don’t work so hard
• 34:40 Normalize children who are arguing vs teaching children conflict resolution skills
• 36:50 The lost ART of healthy neglect
• 41:40 Use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”
• 43:20 "Plant the seed" and get out of there

RESOURCES:

• Why ‘how was school?’ isn’t a good question to ask kids. Here's a CNBC article with some ideas of what to say instead
• Distress Tolerance STOP technique
• NYTimes article on unsupervised Play
  • The Anti-Helicopter Parents Plea: Let Kids Play!
  • Risky Play Encourages Resilience
• Leslie’s book recommendation: The Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

Leslie-ism: Do Less

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David. Emilee and David have a six year old son who repeatedly says “I don’t know” when they try to help their son understand his big emotions. Many parents like Emilee and David want to teach their children how to regulate their emotions and how to understand their emotions. But what happens when what you are doing is not working and actually producing the very opposite results than what you were hoping for.

Time stamps:

• 13:10 How children physically express their emotions, and what to do
• 13:55 Name and notice those body sensations and physical actions
• 16:07 Alexithymia: when a child doesn't have the skills to name what they are experiencing
• 18:30 Masking: a survival tactic for social situations
• 22:20 Change from asking questions like "how do you feel?" to making statements about the situation
• 26:45 & 34:07 Social Signaling: what is your child communicating to others
• 28:41 Go below the surface: anger with mean words and an intense physical response is above the surface and disappointment is below the surface
• 30:50 Take the pressure off of the child to express their emotions
• 32:27 Beware of praise and instead, give feedback
• 35:40 Create a bridge from the behavior to describing the emotion: children may need help finding the words
• 40:50 What to do if your child is masking
• 44:43 Difference between when a child WON’T express emotion versus when they CAN’T

Resources:

• Alexithymia
  • Autism Parenting Magazine's Guide to Alexithymia
  • Children's Alexithymia Measure handout
  • The Alexithymia Wheel and more resources
• Masking
  • Masking in Children Explained
  • NHS's Guide on "Masking" Behavior in Children
• Praise vs feedback
  • The Psychology of Feedback vs Praise
  • How to Give Feedback to Your Child

Leslie-ism: The slower you go, the faster you get there.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Season two of Is My Child a Monster? A parenting therapy podcast with host, Leslie Cohen-Rubury launches next week. The first full episode will drop on January 23, 2024! Listen to the trailer for a taste of whats to come.

For more information about the Leslie Cohen-Rubury visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: The Is My Child A Monster? team is Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and me. Special thanks to Eric Rubury and Mia Warren. Theme music is by
L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This mini episode between season one and season two focuses on understanding your child’s intense reactions. Although there are many causes for a child’s strong reactivity, Leslie and returning guest Dale Rubury discuss expectations as one of those many causes behind those big reactions. Dale had a long list of unmet expectations from her childhood, so she joins her mom on today’s episode to unpack one example for parents and caregivers to learn from.

About the Guest:

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Time Stamps:

1:48 Parents often say “what’s the big deal?” when their child is having such a big reaction

3:40 Kids can have a “script” in their head about how they think things should go.

3:50 Ironically, parents also have “shoulds” in their head about how they think things should go

6:00 Assume that the child feels embarrassment and shame about their reaction

7:11 Add compassion to the child’s reaction

7:55 “Staying One Step Ahead of you Child” - we do this by understanding what is happening below the surface of the child’s reaction

8:39 Look for the prompting event such as the child’s expectation which set off this whole chain reaction

8:56 Parents may personalize the child’s behavior which will add to the problems

9:20 Ask yourself what’s my problem, what’s my child’s problem

12:08 How to teach “expect the unexpected” to your child

13:10 Ask your child before they do something “what are your expectations of….”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community on Facebook.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s bonus episode is with special guests — and Leslie’s former clients — comedian Micheal Ian Black and interior designer Martha Hagen-Black. They join me to talk through holiday stress, and how to manage expectations around family and holiday plans.

About the guests:

Micheal Ian Black is a comedian, actor, author and podcast host. You can find his podcast, Obscure, here.

Martha Hagen-Black is an interior designer, murder mystery lover, and architecture nerd. You can find more about her work on her Instagram @studiohagenhus.


Show Note Links:

• Cope Ahead Video: A Dialectic Behavior Therapy Skill

Leslie-ism: May you find moments of joy in your holiday season.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community on Facebook.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.