Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is part two in the five part series with Kathryn.  As we heard in the first part of this series, Kathryn’s 17 year old daughter Bridgette is making decisions around sex, drugs, and alcohol that deeply concern her mother. Karthyn is frustrated, fearful, overwhelmed, and unsure how to best parent her daughter. In this episode Kathryn shares her experience of putting “the curious alien” technique into practice.  As many parents experience, the advice from the so-called experts sounded great on paper but when put into practice, she found that it didn’t have the immediate impact: her daughter still shut down.  Since this is so frustrating for parents, in this session Leslie and Kathryn learn to have the difficult but necessary conversations with her daughter through role-playing.  Role playing the curious alien showed her how to talk to her daughter in a way that will lead to mutual respect, connection and honesty.  

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Time stamps:

6:37 Role playing The Curious Alien - Take 1

8:07 Planting a seed. Being patient with skills you implement knowing that they may take time to see results.

9:00 Role playingThe Curious Alien -Take 2

21:05 Recognizing “whose problem is it” so that we don’t personalize the issue and become defensive. 

22:42 Using validation and questions, rather than accusatory statements, to make “Curious Alien” strategy more effective. Curious Alien should be a validating tool and create connection.

Leslie-ism: In order to connect with your child, practice being a curious alien.

Show Note Links:
Handout on Whose Problem Is It? when you are trying to solve a problem with your child

Resources:

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. 

• National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)
• National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303
• Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)
• National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie

Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part two in the five part series with Kathryn.  As we heard in the first part of this series, Kathryn’s 17 year old daughter Bridgette is making decisions around sex, drugs, and alcohol that deeply concern her mother. Karthyn is frustrated, fearful, overwhelmed, and unsure how to best parent her daughter. In this episode Kathryn shares her experience of putting “the curious alien” technique into practice.  As many parents experience, the advice from the so-called experts sounded great on paper but when put into practice, she found that it didn’t have the immediate impact: her daughter still shut down.  Since this is so frustrating for parents, in this session Leslie and Kathryn learn to have the difficult but necessary conversations with her daughter through role-playing.  Role playing the curious alien showed her how to talk to her daughter in a way that will lead to mutual respect, connection and honesty.  

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences on Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community.

Time stamps:

6:37 Role playing The Curious Alien - Take 1

8:07 Planting a seed. Being patient with skills you implement knowing that they may take time to see results.

9:00 Role playingThe Curious Alien -Take 2

21:05 Recognizing “whose problem is it” so that we don’t personalize the issue and become defensive. 

22:42 Using validation and questions, rather than accusatory statements, to make “Curious Alien” strategy more effective. Curious Alien should be a validating tool and create connection.

Leslie-ism: In order to connect with your child, practice being a curious alien.

Show Note Links:
Handout on Whose Problem Is It? when you are trying to solve a problem with your child

Resources:

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. 

• National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)
• National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303
• Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)
• National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie

Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the first episode in a five part series with Kathryn.  She's been struggling to deal with the roller coaster ride of parenting her 17 year old daughter, Bridgette. Bridgette has been making what most parents might consider risky choices.  Her choices surrounding sex and drugs has her mother extremely concerned and feeling unsure of how to best to parent her. She is afraid for her daughter’s safety and is feeling overwhelmed and panicked. This episode unpacks the complex issues underlying Bridgette’s behavior. Leslie looks at  how effective communication can support their relationship and will focus on questions such as: How do you establish a judgment-free line of communication with your teen?  How do you parent a child whose personality is unlike your own? How do you help your child navigate decision-making without imposing your own beliefs and judgements? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this episode of Is My Child A Monster?

9:06  Raising our children will challenge us in ways that give us the opportunity to grow as people
16:22 Begin where your child is

16:55 An example of nonjudgmental language to open lines of communication.  Say what you see

18:30  Be the curious alien - zoom out, zoom in depending on what you are dealing with.

23:22  Parenting by the Paradox - Giving children the room to make mistakes

27:06  Parenting is so much about the FIT between the parent and the child

28:53 When does it work, when does it not work - A way to look at those qualities that drive you nuts

Leslie-ism - The best insurance against life’s hardships for your child is the quality of your relationship

Show Note Links:

• Handout on Understanding the Importance of the "Fit" between Parent and Child

Book reference: 

Kathryn spoke about a book that she was reading:  Girls & Sex:  Navigating the Complicated New Landscape by Peggy Orenstein

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. 

• National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)
• National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303
• Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)
• National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264

This is the first episode in a five part series with Kathryn.  She's been struggling to deal with the roller coaster ride of parenting her 17 year old daughter, Bridgette. Bridgette has been making what most parents might consider risky choices.  Her choices surrounding sex and drugs has her mother extremely concerned and feeling unsure of how to best to parent her. She is afraid for her daughter’s safety and is feeling overwhelmed and panicked. This episode unpacks the complex issues underlying Bridgette’s behavior. Leslie looks at  how effective communication can support their relationship and will focus on questions such as: How do you establish a judgment-free line of communication with your teen?  How do you parent a child whose personality is unlike your own? How do you help your child navigate decision-making without imposing your own beliefs and judgements? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this episode of Is My Child A Monster?

9:06  Raising our children will challenge us in ways that give us the opportunity to grow as people
16:22 Begin where your child is

16:55 An example of nonjudgmental language to open lines of communication.  Say what you see

18:30  Be the curious alien - zoom out, zoom in depending on what you are dealing with.

23:22  Parenting by the Paradox - Giving children the room to make mistakes

27:06  Parenting is so much about the FIT between the parent and the child

28:53 When does it work, when does it not work - A way to look at those qualities that drive you nuts

Leslie-ism - The best insurance against life’s hardships for your child is the quality of your relationship

Show Note Links:

• Handout on Understanding the Importance of the "Fit" between Parent and Child

Book reference: 

Kathryn spoke about a book that she was reading:  Girls & Sex:  Navigating the Complicated New Landscape by Peggy Orenstein

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, sexual assaults  or other mental health issues there are resources available for you. 

• National Sexual assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4763)
• National Substance Abuse Hotline 866-210-1303
• Substance abuse and mental health administration 1-800-662-HELP  (4357)
• National Alliance of Mental Illness 212-684-3264

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live.  Instead, we focus on the skill of building mastery which we spoke about in a previous episode.  After listening to that episode and reading Leslie's newsletter, Leslie's daughter Dale, who is also a producer on this podcast, suggested a conversation about their personal journey building mastery.  This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using skills to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective.   

About the guest: Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she is currently building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Show Note. Links
Youtube Video  Building Mastery Skill 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.

This week's Leslie-ism: It's important to practice being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, especially when you are bearing witness to someone else’s pain.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live.  Instead, we focus on the skill of building mastery which we spoke about in a previous episode.  After listening to that episode and reading Leslie's newsletter, Leslie's daughter Dale, who is also a producer on this podcast, suggested a conversation about their personal journey building mastery.  This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using skills to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective.   

About the guest: Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she is currently building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. 

Show Note. Links
Youtube Video  Building Mastery Skill 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.

This week's Leslie-ism: It's important to practice being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, especially when you are bearing witness to someone else’s pain.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this final session, both Tim and Natasha describe a shift in their relationship with their 6 yr old daughter Rosie. Leslie reinforces these changes and continues to work on shifting the conversation away from focusing on the negative. Instead, Leslie looks below the surface of behaviors to identify strengths of the child that may be less obvious.  All children have a need to be understood and seen for who they are.  Children with ADHD have many challenges, including getting hyper-focused and having trouble shifting from one activity to another.  Understanding who your child is and helping them understand who they are reduces the blame and increases effective parenting. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.

Key Time Stamps:

• 03:57 “Can you give yourself permission to…” Use this when blaming shows up
• 04:35 The cycle of blaming. Be careful of reinforcing the blaming behavior
• 06:13 A Problematic Thinking Pattern is to focus only on the negatives and disqualifying the positive
• 09:38 Go below the surface to get at what's underlying a behavior
• 11:18 Help your child express themselves accurately
• 13:13 Hyperfocus is a common behavior of the ADHD child
• 18:00 Using Kinesthetic awareness, touch and compression as tools for the ADHD child
• 21:35 Strategy for shifting - move your body, move your mind (and your attention)
• 22:30 The value of movement and touch for ADHD
• 24:40 Executive functioning strategy of breaking down big projects into small achievable steps

This week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission to …  Make a mistake, to forget your toys, feel uncomfortable

Show Note Links:

• A blog exploring Understanding Why Children Blame
• Understanding and examples of Problematic thinking patterns 
• A blog exploring The need to be Understood  
• Click here for more info about Contact Improvisation

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this final session, both Tim and Natasha describe a shift in their relationship with their 6 yr old daughter Rosie. Leslie reinforces these changes and continues to work on shifting the conversation away from focusing on the negative. Instead, Leslie looks below the surface of behaviors to identify strengths of the child that may be less obvious.  All children have a need to be understood and seen for who they are.  Children with ADHD have many challenges, including getting hyper-focused and having trouble shifting from one activity to another.  Understanding who your child is and helping them understand who they are reduces the blame and increases effective parenting. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.

Key Time Stamps:

• 03:57 “Can you give yourself permission to…” Use this when blaming shows up
• 04:35 The cycle of blaming. Be careful of reinforcing the blaming behavior
• 06:13 A Problematic Thinking Pattern is to focus only on the negatives and disqualifying the positive
• 09:38 Go below the surface to get at what's underlying a behavior
• 11:18 Help your child express themselves accurately
• 13:13 Hyperfocus is a common behavior of the ADHD child
• 18:00 Using Kinesthetic awareness, touch and compression as tools for the ADHD child
• 21:35 Strategy for shifting - move your body, move your mind (and your attention)
• 22:30 The value of movement and touch for ADHD
• 24:40 Executive functioning strategy of breaking down big projects into small achievable steps

This week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission to …  Make a mistake, to forget your toys, feel uncomfortable

Show Note Links:

• A blog exploring Understanding Why Children Blame
• Understanding and examples of Problematic thinking patterns 
• A blog exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood  
• Click here for more info about Contact Improvisation

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode with Tim and Natasha and their 6-year-old daughter Rosie focuses on the reality of actually implementing the parenting skills they've learned in the previous two sessions.  And the reality is it's often trickier than it seems and requires lots of patience.  It's easy to get triggered by the frustration of not seeing immediate results with your kid, and so this episode discusses multiple strategies for identifying and dealing with those reactive emotions when parenting.  

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.

Key Time Stamps:

• 04:36    Check the facts -Don’t believe everything you think
• 09:30    STOP skill
• 13:15    Prompting event - what event (thought, feeling or action) leads you to feeling an uncomfortable feeling or emotion mind
• 14:19    Time management - a challenge for the ADHD child
• 15;28    Discussion of vulnerability 
• 16:28   Cup of Enoughness - measure of your vulnerabilities
• 19:37    Giving yourself permission…(to feel frustrated)
• 23:30      How we inadvertently shame our children 

This Week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission…(to make a mistake)

Show Note Links:
Define Prompting Events and Finding Other Interpretations
Cup of enoughness video
S.T.O.P Skill 

Book References:
Don't Shoot the Dog! : The  Art of Teaching and Training by Karen Pryor
Keep Your Head Up by Aliya King and Charly Palmer Children’s book
Video of a read-aloud

Episode Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury

This episode with Tim and Natasha and their 6-year-old daughter Rosie focuses on the reality of actually implementing the parenting skills they've learned in the previous two sessions.  And the reality is it's often trickier than it seems and requires lots of patience.  It's easy to get triggered by the frustration of not seeing immediate results with your kid, and so this episode discusses multiple strategies for identifying and dealing with those reactive emotions when parenting.  

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences in the Is My Child a Monster? Facebook parenting community.

Key Time Stamps:

• 04:36    Check the facts -Don’t believe everything you think
• 09:30    STOP skill
• 13:15    Prompting event - what event (thought, feeling or action) leads you to feeling an uncomfortable feeling or emotion mind
• 14:19    Time management - a challenge for the ADHD child
• 15;28    Discussion of vulnerability 
• 16:28   Cup of Enoughness - measure of your vulnerabilities
• 19:37    Giving yourself permission…(to feel frustrated)
• 23:30      How we inadvertently shame our children 

This Week's Leslie-ism: Can you give yourself permission…(to make a mistake)

Show Note Links:
Define Prompting Events and Finding Other Interpretations
Cup of enoughness video
S.T.O.P Skill

Book References:
Don't Shoot the Dog! : The  Art of Teaching and Training by Karen Pryor
Keep Your Head Up by Aliya King and Charly Palmer Children’s book
Video of a read-aloud

Episode Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Tink Media. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury