Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Is My Child A Monster? is on break, but we’re looking for guests for season two! So this between season bonus episode is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper about what happens behind the scenes making the podcast. They discuss what it’s like to be a guest on the podcast as well as what types of parenting questions and concerns they’re hoping parents and caregivers bring to them next season. Learn about why and when you might choose to volunteer and get free therapy and how to apply to come on the show.

Alletta Cooper is a freelance producer, researcher, and storytelling consultant with more than a decade of experience in podcasting. She's worked with clients including StoryCorps, Google, The Mellon Foundation, and On Being Studios. Alletta is a recovering "Monster Child" who is delighted to work with the Is My Child A Monster? team to bring practical, skills-based therapy to curious parents and caregivers. She also once won an episode of Wheel of Fortune. Find out more about her work at allettacooper.com.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

We’re between seasons right now, but for those of you who joined us later in the season we wanted to revisit this earlier episode about when children are afraid to do new things with my parent guests Michelle and Emiliano. This is a common topic for many caregivers. If you’ve heard it before I invite you to re-listen, as a way to reinforce new skills. And you might hear something you didn’t hear the first time!

There is a newsletter that comes out bi-weekly! The next one is about living life according to your values and what to do when those values are in conflict. It happens everyday. In this episode Michelle and Emiliano's values are also in conflict. Do they respect their child's desire to say NO, or do they honor their value of exposing her to a rich experience. You can listen to this episode with the new perspective of what to do when your values are in conflict. You can find the link to this newsletter in the show notes. Or sign up at ismychildamonster.com

Show Notes:
Go to ismychildamonster.com to sign up for the newsletter

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live. This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child. We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today’s conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult life

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Time Stamps
4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don’t always think about.

4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”

5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents

7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”

9:42 Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation

10:30 the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.

11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.

15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident which leads to be more cooperative

20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child

23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore. Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.

24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes” when your child is complaining.

27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language

27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child

29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child

32:22 Are you coddling your child? Do you think you are giving in to your child?

37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself

37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts

38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individual

Show Links:

• Handout of comparing Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Raising responsible children who think for themselves is more important

This is part 3 of the 3 part series with Alice. She's a recently divorced mother of two boys, Dan, who's nine, and Jake, who's six. In the first two sessions, Alice and Leslie focus a lot on her anxieties about her children, and her parenting perfectionism. It's so hard to raise kids, especially after a big life change, like divorce. This episode, Alice reviews what strategies have been working, and what still needs work. Today’s session focuses on additional practical strategies for things like chores, politeness, and the transition between Mom's house and Dad's house.

Time Stamps

7:25 How much control do I give my child? A discussion of personal power vs powering over another person

9:35 Example of dialectic thinking for a child who they should have done something different

11:10 Zoom in and Zoom out

15:50 Flexibility and flow when the kids transition between two homes

20:10 What to do when your child refuses to do what you ask them to do

21:00 Raising a responsible child, not an obedient child

22:20 Joining your kids in the chaos of yelling

25:07 An example of the paradox of parenting

27:12 Resist the urge to fix the moment

30:36 What to do when your child says no. - give them space

31:35 Leave the complaint, Don’t pick up the complaint and it won’t go anywhere

32:05 Maintain your focus and don’t get distracted by the complaints - using an example of picking up your child at a friend’s house

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: You need both insight and practical skills in order to make a change in your parenting.

Show Note Links:

Leslie was interviewed on Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene. You can listen to that interview here where we discuss the causes of certain behaviors of children. You can also follow Rebecca Greene at:

• Blog https://www.whinypaluza.com/
• Facebook https://www.facebook.com/whinypaluzaparenting
• Instagram https://www.instagram.com/becgreene5/ @becgreene5

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 3 part series with Alice who is parenting her two boys Dan, 9 years old and Jake, 6 years old. Alice is coming to this therapy session feeling overwhelmed and not having the time and focus to do what we talked about in the previous session. Parenting IS overwhelming and its very likely that many of you also feel overwhelmed. We unpack those feelings and discuss strategies to help Alice stay present in her parenting. You can’t do it all. And sometimes we just need permission to let go of other people’s expectations.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Time stamps:

14:13 Being overwhelmed by thoughts, beliefs and shoulds: Is that adding any value?

17:35 The difference between mindfulness and meditation

18:03 Definition of mindfulness

20:52 Understanding the doing mind vs the being mind

23:09 Identifying a parenting myth: “It only counts if we are interacting together”

24:25 Connection is the foundation of your parent-child relationship

26:35 Examples of how to “be” present with your children

31:35 The richness of diversity between the parents

33:50 What to do with nagging thoughts

37:49 Take another look at politeness

38:46 Are you modeling politeness: Do you actions speak louder than words

40:50 How to cue a child to develop their manners without shaming them

Leslie-ism: Being present is more important than being perfect.

Show Note Links:

A short video of Jon Kabat Zinn who describes mindfulness

Handout on Being Mind and Doing Mind

A short video on Balancing the Doing Mind and the Being Mind

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Alice. Alice is a recently divorce parent with two boys ages 9 and 6 In Part 1 we learn about Dan who struggles with FAIRNESS, often melting down in ways that impact that whole family. We will discuss the candy wars, the ruined birthday parties, and the issue of fairness. Alice also admits that she is struggling with the fear of being a bad parent and worries about who her son will be as an adult.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Time stamps:

6:12 The need to see and heard and understood

6:45 Use the phrase “I notice….” to help your child gain intrapersonal and interpersonal awareness

9:40 Validation - not all validation is not all equal - its in the eye of the beholder - try to get the primary emotion - I identify when you unintentionally invalidate your child

12:05 We are parenting in the short term and the long term

15:43 Do you expect your child to misbehave? We actually need to expect our child to misbehave

16:41 When parents feel like they are a failure

17:49 and 18:50 Examples of using the skill of coping ahead for the misbehavior: “Bring it on”

20:45 Talking about the fear of what your child will be like when they grow up

26;26 The issue of fairness and unfairness

27:35 When kids need predictability and uncertainty

31:28 The difference between equality and equity

33:50 An example of dialectic dilemma

35:20 Sibling rivalry as a process of individuation and differentiation

40:16 Think outside the box - fill the emotional bank

45:05 When parents feel like their children are manipulating them

46:14 The “shoulds” that parents may feel.

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to check your own expectations, check your fears and check your shoulds.

Show Note Links:

• A visual image illustrating the difference between equality and equity
• An article on Why kids have meltdowns afterschool
• A blog posting exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood
• A blog posting exploring The Need to Belong

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a special episode in which Leslie is joined by guest Lindz Amer (they/them) to talk about their work within the LGBTQ+ community. Leslie and Lindz talk about various topics regarding being a caretaker and ally to LGBTQ+ children. Last week’s episode was about parenting Jack, a transgender child. Leslie wanted to have Lindz on the podcast to further discuss the important ways we can create a safe and validating environment for LGBTQ+ children.:

About today’s guest: Lindz created their award-winning LGBTQ+ family webseries Queer Kid Stuff in 2016 which now has 4M lifetime views and counting! They are the author of the nonfiction parenting book Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies (St. Martin’s Press) and their picture book Hooray for She, He, Ze and They! What are YOUR Pronouns Today? (Simon & Schuster, February 2024). Currently they host the Rainbow Parenting Podcast and perform at school and libraries across the country, while writing and consulting for children’s television. You can watch their viral TED talk on why kids need to learn about gender and sexuality. See Links below for these resources and more information

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Take a look at the assumptions you are making about your child that may not even be true.

Show Note Links:

• Here are the links to Lindz Amer’s website, Rainbow Parenting, Hooray for She, He, Ze and They, Rainbow Parenting Podcast

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a single session with our guest May. May is married to Charlie and they have a child named Jack. Jack is 13 years old and was assigned female at birth, but identifies as they/him and approached May to start calling them Jack in middle school. May, who is wonderfully supportive of Jack, finds herself struggling to be the mediator between Jack and the conservative members of their family, including Jack’s father, Charlie. In this episode, May’s story will help us consider how we can best help a child navigate the complexities of gender identity and the associated stigmas.

CW: Brief mention of Self-harm and Statistics on Suicide in LGBTQ youth

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Time stamps:
15:10 Finding common ground between parent and child

16:16 Different ways of responding to a problem

25:00 Creating a validating environment

27:00 Buddhist meditation: Have strong back and soft heart

40:10 Feel the fear and do it anyways

Leslie-ism: Keep in mind advocacy starts at home

Show Note Links:

• Call 988 - Suicide and crisis hotline. Available 24 hours. If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts.
• LGBTQ+ Resources
  • https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
  • https://glaad.org/transgender/resources/
  • https://thesafezoneproject.com/resources/vocabulary/
• Research on a validating environment for the well being of LGBTQ youth
• Quotes on Courage including Maya Angelou’s
• Brene Brown’s Strong Backs, Soft fronts + Wild Hearts on Unlocking Us Podcast
• Strong Back, Soft Heart meditation by Roshi Joan Halifax starting at 27:35 on Omega’s podcast.
• Handout on the Five Ways Solve to a Problem

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 2 part series with Zach and Sarah. Sarah and Zach are divorced co-parents of two children. They came to Leslie to talk about Andrew, their 16-year-old son who is withdrawn and struggling in school. Last session Leslie explored ways to approach Andrew with curiosity and compassion in order to connect with him. She touched on family dynamics and how Andrew may feel like an outsider in a family of high achievers. We’re going to dive more deeply into that today - how putting pressure on your child, intentionally or otherwise, can set them up for shame and anxiety. Having intense feelings like you are not good enough or that you can’t live up to your parents expectations (perceived or real) can cause major disruptions even when it's unintended by the parents.

Parenting is hard and we are all learning as we go. Sarah and Zach are dealing with very different issues with their two children. Andrew’s withdrawn behavior can feel so invalidating to the parent who is trying hard. Parenting the challenging child as we hear in this episode, is not very validating because your child doesn’t tell you that you're doing a great job. Even though we all love getting the smile, the hug, and hearing the words, I love you, it's NOT the child's job to validate you. Remember, they’re just trying to survive adolescence. Parenting is hard and so is being a teenager.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Time stamps:

5:15 “Shoulding” your child is shaming your child

8:05 Teaching parents to not work so hard

• 8:14 Talking less. Listen more to your kids. Listen twice as much as you talk
• 8:45 Nonverbal ways of connecting with your child
• 8:53 Make simple observations. Use the phrase “I notice that” Connecting to your kid in simple little ways that don’t put them in the “hot seat”
• 9:26 Say it and let it go
• 10:01 Indirect ways of connecting: talk about yourself
• 10:35 Be a real person

12:35 Manage your expectations and don’t personalize what your teen says or what they do.

15:50 Three Step Apology

17:10 The core belief of shame and what that means

26:54 Feel the fear and do it anyways: People/children may not realize that the anxiety is often present when you are doing something new

27:41 “Can you give yourself permission to….”

28:25 “You must have a good reason for…”

34:18 Creative solution brainstorming with your child - Practice brainstorming without evaluation

36:52 Shaping behavior - step by step successes.

Leslie-ism: Practice listening to your child - We have two ears and one mouth - listen twice as much as you talk.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie

Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one of a two part series with Zach and Sarah.  Zach and Sarah are co-parents of two children.  This series focuses on their 16 year old son Andrew who they describe as withdrawn, irritable, and “not engaged in life”.  His parents have been struggling to get him to complete tasks related to school, getting a job, and just basic things at home.  Leslie helps Zach and Sarah focus on the importance of connecting to Andrew as a foundation to trying to parent him successfully.  

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Time stamps:

11:50 How adolescents who say "no" are asserting independence which is similar to toddlers

15:46 Being a curious alien instead of fixing your child

18:19 Living in your sibling's shadow

25:30 Dialectic perspective of a situation.  Doing mind vs. being mind

28:42 Learning to ride the wave of discomfort

33:51 Looking at your child with a dialectical perspective

Leslie-ism: Slow down and ask yourself what is the cost of the pressure that you may be putting on your child

Show Note Links:

I appeared as a guest on Slate’s Mom and Dad Are Fighting Podcast in two episodes..  In the first episode I join hosts, Zak Rosen and Jamilah Lemieux, and together we help a listener who’s worried that her daughter’s meltdowns might be a sign of depression.  In the second episode, Zak and Jamilah start by talking about lessons from therapy and how my podcast, Is My Child A Monster? Is helping make therapy advice and resources more accessible. Together we also help a listener whose kid pulled a disappearing act after a fight during family vacation.  

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.