Dating, Relationships, and Disability

This week we’re talking about what I think is the most important piece of DRD framework for getting results, Taking Action. Yes, actually taking all that you desire for dating and relationships and doing something, even taking risks and possibly failing at times, but moving forward toward what you want.  This is important for you to hear: I think most people have a hard time initiating dating, or as I say, putting yourself out there. It’s scary and awkward and who wants to feel that?

But What Else Are You Going To Do?

• Think about this, if you’re not taking any action to try to meet people and date, what else are you going to do to get what you want? The love of your life is not going to show up on your doorstep.
• What is one small thing you do to get yourself in the dating mode? Tell a friend you’re ready to date and to keep her in mind among her friends. Check out various dating apps. Join a new group or volunteer activity as a way of meeting new people.
• Whatever it is, do something to move from dreaming about dating and relationships to doing.

Remember to Work on Your Beliefs While You Take Action 

• If you listen to episodes 4 and 5 we talk about positive beliefs about yourself and about ways to build dating confidence. You really need to continue this mental work while you take action. The believing and the doing go hand in hand.
• Chances are you may take action to date while you feeling scared and vulnerable. This is totally normal. Rely on your positive thoughts and increasing confidence in these moments.
• Tell yourself you have what it takes and then go and do it.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Now that you decided, okay I actually do need to do something about dating, organize yourself and your plan to date.
• I’m going to recommend the 3,2, 1 plan for you and here how it goes. You’re going to choose three affirmations for yourself to help grow your dating confidence. You’re going to next pick two beliefs about either yourself, your disability, or your mindset about relationships that need an overhaul. Then you’re going to decide on one action you’re going to take to get in the dating scene.

Resources

• Podcast Survey
• Free download - 3, 2, 1 Plan

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week I have my first guest on the show, Pam Malin, from Disability Rights Wisconsin. Pam is an Advocacy Specialist and a Project Coordinator and has been working for decades to promote healthy relationships for people with disabilities.

• We talk about people need to speak up and advocate for their rights for healthy relationships.
• Pam talks about how her interest in healthy relationships began after learning about the high statistics of abuse among people with disabilities.
• The issue of guardianship as a partnership is introduced through a story that Pam shares.
• We talk about the need for people to have access to information as a means for making good decisions.
• How society can change and grow to further accept people with disabilities as relationship partners is discussed. Pam mentions how society needs specific examples of people breaking through barriers.
• Isolation continues to be a barrier to people making connections.
• The issue of safety online is also discussed.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Finding a support network is crucial.
• Society has to learn to view people with disabilities as sexual beings.

Resources

• Podcast Survey to provide feedback on what you would like to see in future episodes.
• Contact Kathy O’Connell at [email protected] if you’re interested in joining the Healthy Relationship working group that she and Pam run.
• Learn more about Pam at Disability Rights Wisconsin. https://disabilityrightswi.org/

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re discussing the last part of the DRD framework, developing problem strategies for being in relationship. When a relationship happens, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. The ability to problem solve in dating and relationships is essential.  Sometimes when problems emerge in a relationship, we feel scared and vulnerable. We may feel we’re inadequate or we’re being rejected.  Sometimes we react by shutting down and that can destroy our relationship when in reality we may just have to develop our problem solving muscle.

What’s A Problem Solving Muscle?

• All relationships have issues. A good relationship is not about having few problems but how well two people work through the problems they have.
• Especially if you’re new to relationships, it’s helpful to keep in mind that problem solving is a skill that we develop by using it, much like a muscle.
• You begin to develop this skill, build this muscle, like you get good at everything else - by practice.

The Basic Relationship Skills

• For simplicity, let’s look at the two fundamental skills of problem solving, particular in relationships - communicating and listening.  If you can do these well, it will save you a lot of heartache in relationships when problems arise.
• For listening, the key, and I’m saying this as much to myself as I am to all of you, is to shut up, close your mouth, mute yourself on zoom if needed. Just take in what another is saying to you without feeling the need to put in your two cents.
• For communicating and in order to clearly communicate, check in with yourself first to really understand what you’re thinking and feeling before you communicate your concern to another.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• This may sound counterintuitive, but I’d like you to consider embracing problems in relationships and building up your confidence that you can effectively handle them.
• Practice strengthening that problem solving muscle with people in your life now, whether they’re family, friends, coworkers, or the person you’re in relationship with.
• See problems not so much as a threat to a relationship but an opportunity to work through a block in the relationship that could be making it better.

Resources

• Podcast Survey
• Free download - 3 Fundamental Skills for Relationship Success 

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Sometimes we can get so focused on the dating side of things, trying to attract someone, and trying to find the right person, we forget about the other 80% of work that comes from dating and relationships. That’s right 80% and that’s just my very rough, unresearched estimation of the amount of energy and skill involved in maintaining a relationship. This week we talk about the third component of the DRD framework - what to do when you have a relationship and how to nurture it.

Relationships 101

• Naturally, there’s a lot of ground to cover with relationships in general and more so when one lives with a disability. That’s why I created this podcast, so we can take a deeper dive into it all.
• Let’s begin with the basics - do you like them and they like you? It seems like a nobrainer, but there’s many couples who are together because one person showed an interest and/or it’s just convenient.
• And if you like to just be with them, have you considered if they meet your criteria for a partner. You do have a criteria, don’t you?

Relationship Criteria 

• Acknowledgement that sometimes you may just want to date and have fun without thinking about it becoming too serious.
• But when you are looking for something a little more serious, do you first consider what you’re looking for in both a relationship and a partner? You know, are there enough things in common to enjoy together when the infatuation wears off? Do they have enough of the same values as you as a person? Let’s take a very broad example. Often people who, let’s say, are more expansive in their thinking and approach to people may have a challenging time being in an intimate relationship with someone who is more structured and categorize in their thinking. How about that for being diplomatic?
• Once you gotten to know someone, do you then ask yourself do they meet your criteria for what you’re looking for?

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• This podcast is called Dating, Relationships, and Disability for a reason. I’ve always said that I just don’t want PWD to date. I want them to have happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships.
• If you’re out there dating and you’re unclear about what you want in a relationship, please, please download the guide in the show notes on having a relationship vision. Now, it will seem like a silly exercise, but it’s so helpful in you getting clear about what you’re looking for in a partner. The guide helps you focus on what qualities in another person you want to attract to you. Provide an example.
• Trust me, this exercise is so helpful. I would read it daily for years. Yes, dating involves time and patience. But my husband has so many of the qualities I wrote about nearly ten years before I met him.

Resources

• Po

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re talking about the second core principle, or table leg, to my DRD framework- dating confidence. I hear frequently, and I felt this way also when I was single,   “I’m pretty confident in general, but when it comes to dating, it’s another story.”

• Why is it the dating scene feels so much different than other areas of our lives? One word - vulnerability.
• Dating and relationships add this extra special layer of vulnerability when we’re in them that can affect confidence.

Confidence and Vulnerability 

• The two can coexist and can actually be strengthened by one another.
• If you want to dive more deeply into the topic of vulnerability, I recommend reading or watching anything by Brene Brown. She has a treasure chest of wisdom on vulnerability. One of them being “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”
• I believe the best way to grow dating confidence is to actually acknowledge how vulnerable you feel. It’s often when we fight against our vulnerability that it weakens our confidence because we’re spending so much mental energy defending against feeling vulnerable.

Growing Dating Confidence 

• Begin by taking some action. Look we can talk about confidence all we want, but we need to combine it with taking some type of action. It can be small. Check out a dating app, share with a friend you’re thinking about dating, make eye contact and smile at someone you find attractive.
• Replace those negative messages you give yourself, you know the ones that tend to tear down your confidence, with more positive ones. Love on yourself. See Ep 4.
• When you don’t feel confident, ask yourself, “If I were to feel confident in this moment, how would I think, feel and act?” And then do so. It’s not faking it, it’s practicing.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• You’ll hear me say repeatedly here that much of the work of DRD begins with you. Yes, you listening while you get dress, wait for a ride, or much away on the rest of the Oreo cheesecake in the fridge. You, who longs for companionship, love and good sex. 
• People can support and cheer you on in growing dating confidence, but at the end of the day, you have to make the commitment to yourself to foster your own confidence.
• If you’re struggling with doing so, reach out for professional help. There are a sea of wonderful counselors out there who can really work with you to grow and nurture your confidence.

Resources

• Podcast Survey
• Free download - 10 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

• This week I begin to break down the four table legs, so to speak, on the DRD framework - believing in yourself.
• It’s certainly the hardest part of getting the whole dating and relationship piece to get nailed down.
• I believe mastering this will attract others to you more than looks, money, or what you’re able to do.

Exactly what does it mean to believe in yourself?

• Sometimes believing in yourself - and I mean really believing to your unshakeable core - can take a while. 
• It’s more than saying affirmations, although those help. It’s about knowing and staying with your worth IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY.
• This is what I experienced in the first date I had with my husband. Listen to Episode 1. He was clearly uncomfortable with me as a PWD, but I didn’t allow that to sway me from feeling worthy, knowing my potential, and communicating that.

How do you cultivate a POSITIVE belief in yourself?

• May sound counterintuitive, but you have to first look at what beliefs are holding you back and keeping you from believing more positively in yourself?
• Really look at these beliefs and ask, are they helping me get to where I want to be. Challenge your own thinking.
• Focus on the positives in yourself. Look would you go in a job interview thinking well, I suck at this, why would anyone hire me? No, you sell yourself and your assets! The same is true in dating.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Believe, believe, believe.
• Your mind is a computer that needs to be reprogrammed. Get those nasty viruses out of there. 
• You begin this by catching yourself every time you have a negative belief about yourself. Say, “I don’t have time for this,” and choose a more positive thought/belief.

Resources

• Please take the Podcast Survey to share what you would love to hear on the show. 
• Free download - 5 Beliefs for Successful Dating 

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

One of my overarching career goals is that people with disabilities (PWD) are seen more potential dating and relationship partners. What does this mean? For the Dating Relationships Disability (DRD) work I do, there’s the micro goal of the work I do with PWD to help them become more confident in dating and relationships, but then there’s the macro goal of changing the HEARTS (notice I didn’t say minds) of society so there is acceptance of the potential that PWD have to be dating and relationship partners.

Opening Your Own Mind 

• If we want others to open their hearts to us as dating and relationships partners, we have to begin by opening our own damn minds to that thought.
• We can’t expect others to believe what we don’t believe for ourselves.
• Invitation to consider what beliefs are holding you back from this.
  • Who would want to be with me?
  • I’m not attractive.
  • It’s too hard to be with me.

Then Work on Their Hearts

• Once you can begin to open your mind - you don’t need to believe all the way - you can then work on changing hearts.
• While we of course want to change people’s thinking, we ultimately want people to open their hearts to us.
• When the heart is open, when they call see ALL of us - person and disability - then they can begin to love us, which is the basis for an intimate partnership.

 Where Do We Go From Here?

• You’ll hear me compare sexual ableism (see Episode 2) a lot to racism on here because I think the comparison is very tangible for us who see racism as flawed way of thinking.
• When you’re a member of a race that is marginalized, you don’t think “Oh yeah, they’re right, I am inferior to them.” Rather, you may believe to your core in your equality and be mystified and angry why people treat you otherwise.
• The way to begin to transform sexual ableism is to hold that vision of how we want things to be - we want to be viewed as potential dating and relationship partners.

Resources

• Podcast Survey
• Free download - Rising Above Sexual Ableism

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Just what is Sexual Ableism and why should I care about it?

Definition and Examples

• What is it - Sexual ableism is a system of beliefs that beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in dating, intimacy, and relationships, suggesting the very presence of a disability implies inferiority.

Sampling of Ableistic Beliefs Toward Sexuality

• Projections of people with disabilities as being “fragile” or “a potential victim.”
• Perceived need from caregivers to “protect” people from relationships, or at the very least, being “supervised.”
• A continued perpetuated myth that people with disabilities are asexual.
• Mistaken belief that people with disabilities have less to offer in relationships.
• False belief that people with disabilities generally get into unhealthy and unbalanced relationships.
• All of these beliefs perpetuate sexual ableism and keep people with disabilities isolated and lonely. The pain has to stop. People with disabilities need to take their rightful place as sexual – and sexy – beings.

How Sexual Ableism Manifests

In a dating survey, these are some of the ways people with disabilities report as barriers to dating as a result of sexual ableism:

• I’ll be rejected.
• I don’t have enough confidence.
• I’m concerned about someone accepting my disability.
• I don’t believe I’m attractive enough.
• I’m afraid to be a burden to someone.
• How this was true in my life because I bought into sexual ableism and didn’t date for many years.

Where We Go From Here

• Once we can identify sexual ableism, we can then begin to call it out. As we talk about it more, we can then begin to transform it.
• “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~Margaret Mead

Resources for this episode:

• Dating Survey for people with disabilities 
• Download guide: Rising Above Sexual Ableism

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Learn about the awkward, uncomfortable date that changed me and my life. It set me on the path of developing the Dating, Relationship, and Disability framework.

Dating, Relationships, and Disability offers strategies, encouragement, and mindset tips on dating with a disability. Episodes feature guidance and practical advice on how to navigate sexual ableism, focus on your power to attract, and develop happy and healthy relationships.

The basic principles of Dating, Relationships, and Disability are:

• People with disabilities (PWD) make great dating and relationship partners.
• If you have the desire to date and be in a relationship, it’s there for a reason. Listen to it.
• Dating and relationships with a disability can certainly be a challenge, but totally possible.
• Self esteem and confidence are so influential in dating and relationship success. 

This is a journey. It's not about just “getting” a partner, but really owning who you as PWD, recognizing your own worth (even when others don’t). It’s also about changing how society views us as potential partners.

Tell us what topics and guests you would like to hear about Dating, Relationships, and Disability.  Submit your ideas in the Podcast Survey.

Please take a couple minutes and leave us a REVIEW of the show. Thanks so much!

Never heard of sexual ableism? Join me next week to learn how to recognize it and rise above it.

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate