Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Click this link to schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedule at a time that’s convenient for you.

One of my biggest goals is to “move the needle on people with disabilities being seen as dating and relationship partners.” What I mean by that is I want to help not only people with disabilities see and own their worth, ability to attract, and what they offer to relationships, but I want society to see that more as well.

If you know my story, you know why I’m so passionate about this. And if you don’t know my story, here’s the abridged version. I grew up having no models or guidance on how to date with a disability. 

No one talked to me about how to value myself in the dating world with a very obvious difference that cause others to judge me and immediately rule me out as potential dating material. 

Then came along a particular first date. In one moment, I was faced with giving up or taking a huge risk and acknowledging my value as a potential partner to my date. I chose the latter and my life changed. Listen to episode 1, I’m Just So Uncomfortable, for more details.

Now I live the life I dreamt about for so many years. I want the same for you.

Ah, but dating is hard, isn’t it? Especially in a world where we can so easily swipe left to not even give someone a chance.

And exactly how do you go about dating if you don’t have experience? If people won’t give you the chance?

Do you tell people up front about your disability or wait until you get to know them? What if your disability is so apparent that that isn’t an option for you?

Lots of questions. Lots to figure out.

IT CAN BE FIGURED OUT. Everything is Figureoutable. Check out one of my favorite books on this.

I’m here, as well as the company I run, Radiant Abilities, to help you figure dating out for yourself.

But first, I need to talk to you. Yes you, out there listening. I want to talk with you, meaning on zoom, in a one to one call.

We’re looking to talk to you about your dating experience, what has worked, what hasn’t worked, and most of all, what would be helpful to you in feeling more successful in dating.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Click this link to schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedul

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Sometimes our own beliefs can be the biggest stumbling blocks to our dating and relationship success. Sometimes we just need to get out of our heads.

My friend, Patrick McMullan, is back talking about his experience dating as a man with Cerebral Palsy. Patrick talks about how he did NOT tell his wife about his disability before their first date and why he chose not to tell her.

He talks about how he learned to get out of his head and negative beliefs about himself in order to find dating and relationship success. Soon after he got out of his head and realized he just needed to be himself, he met his wife of 25 years.

Patrick is also a father of four. His oldest children are twins. We talk about parenting with a disability, juggling the demands of a busy family life, and the secret to a happy marriage.

Before signing off, Patrick shares some wise advice about showing up in the world as a person with a disability to really live the life you want. And most of all, why you need to share yourself with the world.

Resources 

Free download - 8 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

Credits
Music by Successful Motivation
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I've been wanting for a while to do a podcast from the male perspective of someone dating with a disability. Today I have another special guest, a friend of mine for over 30 years, Patrick McMullen.  Patrick and I first met as college freshman. Both of us have CP, but until then, knew very few other peers with disabilities.

We talk about how growing up as one of five kids allowed him to be  naturally included in activities. However, because of the CP, Patrick struggled with being different and what he thought people thought of him.

Patrick has enjoyed a successful career as a banker, has been married 25 years, and has four beautiful children. We talk about his personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities.

Since Patrick's been married quite a while, we talk about the concept of bringing a disability into a relationship so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship. 

Resources

Download - 5 Success Beliefs for Dating

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Whitney Bailey is on a mission to educate society while advocating for the needs of the disabled community and motivating others to maximize their potential.

Whitney was born with cerebral palsy. She is a podcast host of Spastic Chatter, a platform meant to feature those in the cerebral palsy community. She gets together with individuals who have CP to have an uncensored chat about what it’s like having this type of disability.

Whitney is also the Director of Operations for Diversability, a social enterprise with almost 70k following across all social channels focused on elevating disability pride through disability community, visibility, and engaged allyship.

In this episode, Whitney and I chat about:

• Why she began her podcast on Cerebral Palsy, Spastic Chatter.
• Her background or personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities.
• The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships?
• Her initial resistance to dating her boyfriend because of his disability.
• How she thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
• Her most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.
• And her role in the organization Diversability.

Resources
The Spastic Chatter Podcast

Diversability

Whitney's website

Whitney on Instagram

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we're continuing our conversation with  Shirley Paceley, author of SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities.  See last week's episode for the first part of our conversation.

One of my favorite parts of the book is a project Shirley shares about the Dare to Dream project. I feel strongly we need to do much more with people with disabilities to encourage them to go after their dreams and even take risks. I talk to Shirley about what were the key learnings she took away from the Dare to Dream project.

We also talk about:

• The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships.
• How society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
• Helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

Resources
SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities

Shirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.

Contact Information:

Shirley Paceley - [email protected]

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I'm reading a great book, SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley. 

Shirley Paceley has worked with people with disabilities for 48 years and has a master’s degree in clinical psychology.   Shirley is a published author, international trainer, counselor, consultant, advocate, and visionary.  Shirley has co-created a multitude of resources for self-advocates, disability providers, educators, counselors, victim advocates, criminal justice professionals, and others. 

Shirley has dedicated her life to empower people with disabilities to be free, safe, and live meaningful lives. Shirley received the 2021 Professional Impact Award Fromm End Violence Against Women International.  

In this first of a two part interview, we chat about:

•  What made her want to write this book
• Where within her came her ability to naturally get that disability is just another form of diversity. 
• How she has seen advocacy for people with disabilities transform over the recent years
• What's happening on the legislative side of sexual health for people with disabilities
• And after working with hundreds of sexual assault survivors with disabilities, what would she say to someone who has suffered sexual assault.

Resources
SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities

Shirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.

Contact Information:

Shirley Paceley - [email protected]

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today's show is released on the 32nd anniversary of the passage of the  Americans with Disabilities (ADA) act. While it hasn't fix all the issues, or even come close, to providing accessibility to all people with disabilities, the  ADA has certainly made a crack in the equality ceiling.

For many of you, you have never known life without the ADA being the law. For others, like myself, I  remember standing in my family's home and watching the coverage on the news of the masses of people with disabilities on the steps of the Capitol, many of them crawling up the steps to demonstrate the need for access.

What Does the ADA Have to Do with Dating?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could legislate ramps into  people's minds and hearts so that society could more readily see people with disabilities as dating and relationship partners? Since that won't ever happen, it's really up to YOU to make it happen.

Pursue your dreams to meet people, date, and find loving relationships. If you have that desire in your heart, HONOR it. Go for it, despite the judgments and perceptions you face from people. That is how we all are going to eventually build a ramp to people's hearts and minds.

Where Do We Go From Here?

The resource guide for this episode is the Dating Strategies guide.  This guide will help you develop a mindset for dating success, help you figure out how you want to communicate about your disability with dates, and brainstorm how to meet people. 

Resources

Dating Strategies guide

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

In the month of July, we’re celebrating Disability Pride. According to the Disability Community Resource Center, Disability Pride is defined “as accepting and honoring each person’s uniqueness and seeing it as a natural and beautiful part of human diversity.” Disability Pride is an integral part of movement building and a direct challenge of systemic ableism and stigmatizing definitions of disability. 

I believe we need to bring Disability Pride more into the dating scene as a way of beginning to eradicate sexual ableism. As a reminder, sexual ableism is discrimination against people with disabilities in intimacy and relationships, suggesting the very presence of a disability implies inferiority. Check out episode 2 which is all about sexual ableism.

So What Does It Mean To Have Disability Pride When Dating?

Again, according to the Disability Community Resource Center “the disability pride movement wants to present people with disabilities as people living their lives in plain view proud of their identity as being disabled…Pride comes from celebrating our heritage, disability culture, the unique experiences that we have as people with disabilities, and the contributions that we can give to society.”

This means we get out there and date. We put ourselves out there if we have the desire for meaningful relationships in our lives, or even if we just want to have fun and have good sex. Yes, I did just say that.

I think a big - and scary - part of bringing Disability Pride to dating is knowing some people will reject us and STILL going for what we want. Our dreams and desires are not dependent on everyone seeing your value. It’s their loss if they do. You need to just attract the right people who will see your value and beauty.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Much of the core of my work in helping people to dating is about mindset, what you believe about yourself, and the ability to feel confident in the face of adversity. And I understand that all takes time. That’s why I show up every week in your earbuds, giving up a regular dose of encouragement and support for doing the very hard thing of dating with a disability. I have a selection of resources this week to help you in building your confidence.

Resources

Affirmations for Living Confidently with a Disability has statements to encourage you with general confidence.

Mindset Beliefs for Successful Dating helps you in creating beliefs about yourself and your disability that build confidence.

And Boldly Communicate helps you to develop ways to talk confi

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Every week when a new podcast is released, I send an email to people on my subscriber list with a little description of the podcast, along with the link to the free resource of the week. I’m not telling you that to get you on my email list, although of course, there’s a link in the show notes if that’s something that peaks your interest.

I’m telling you this because last week the subject of the email was “What’s Wrong With You?” to go along with the episode title. I had one person answer the email by saying, “my looks and disability.” While I have compassion for this person because I once believed that about myself, I told the reader that the fact that he believes that his looks and disability are what’s wrong with him IS THE PROBLEM.

If you’re listening to this around the time it airs, it is the lovely summer month, in the Northern hemisphere, of July. July is also Disability Pride month. I always like to acknowledge Disability Pride month because I believe we don’t have enough of it in our society. 

What We Believe About Ourselves is What People See

Let me ask you this. If you are believing that your looks or disability is the problem. If you’re believing you can’t attract someone to you because of your looks or the fact that you use a wheelchair, how is a potential date going to see beyond what you believe about yourself?

Whatever we believe about ourselves, either positive or negative, is what others see. If you’re believing that your looks are lacking, that no one will date you because of your disability, or even wondering why the hell should you be proud of your disability, others are going to pick right up on that and say “Nah-ah.”

Building Better Beliefs

I often find this is the hardest part for people I work with to grasp.Living with a disability of any kind can certainly make dating and relationships challenging, but TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

"Every belief has a consequence. Your beliefs either heal you or harm you. They either support your aspirations or thwart them. Beliefs become the source of your limitation or liberation." -Marie Forleo, Everything Is Figureoutable

BELIEF MINDSET #1: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELF

Example: I am a kind and loving person who deserves to be treated well.

BELIEF MINDSET #2: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR DISABILITY

Example: Living with a disability make me very interesting as a person.

BELIEF MINDSET #3: YOUR POWER TO ATTRACT

Example: I attract people to me with my kind heart and warm personality.

BELIEF MINDSET #4: WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU DESERVE

Example: I deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

BELIEF MINDSET

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

“What’s wrong with you?” Don’t you love that question. I have been asked this before, several times. It amazes me that I actually don’t recall a date ever asking me this one. For you who have been asked this on a date, or anywhere else in your life, I have the Perfect Answer.

First, let me just say…I can certainly understand a five-year old asking this of someone living with a disability. I always use it as a teachable moment with kids and begin by saying, “I walk and talk differently (inserting a more inclusive word than funny or weird) because I have cerebral palsy.” Depending on their age, they may be satisfied with that or if they have a heightened sense of curiosity, it may lead to a discussion about what cerebral palsy is. Either way, it’s all good.

Manners 101
It’s when adults ask me this, is when I have difficulty. We won’t even discuss here about the need to back to Sensitivity and Manners 101. Let’s talk about the myth people are perpetuating when they ask this question.

“What’s wrong with you?” implies that there’s an inherent flaw that needs to be corrected in someone. At the time this podcast is going live, it’s July, Disability Pride month. Throughout July, we’re going to be talking about bringing Disability Pride into dating and relationships.

Obviously, the question implying there’s something wrong with you does nothing to foster disability pride.  A disability is just a facet of who we are, among all our other attributes. When people use the word wrong and we all know they mean our disability, they are implying it is bad, faulty, mistaken, out of line, rotten, etc. to live with a disability, rather than what’s perfect and natural about you.

Empowerment Moment, Not Teachable

If a date or a potential date should ask you this question, I certainly understand you wanting to give them a piece of your mind, especially if they use a certain tone in asking the question. As I always say, you ultimately need to respond in a way that suits you.

I would recommend that you take this opportunity as a moment for empowerment for yourself. Forget teachable moments. If an adult is asking you what’s wrong with you, they need way more teaching than you have time.

Use this moment to let them know there’s not a thing “wrong” with you, that your disability is another aspect of yourself that makes you so damn interesting and why they should get to know you.

Where Do We Go From Here?

The dating scene is filled with opportunities for showing Disability Pride. Think about how you want to talk about your disability ahead of time. Come up with how you’re going to answer questions about your disability, even insensitive ones. See them as opportunities to empower yourself in the dating scene, rather than dou

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate