Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Let’s begin with a question, keeping in mind this is a podcast on dating and relationships.

Are you choosing your dreams, rather than buying into sexual ableism?  This can be a particularly good question to ask yourself this if you’re not having success in dating with a disability.

You may not like that question and even be a little offended by it.

But sometimes those harder questions and more specifically, the answers to them, point us in the direction we want to be heading in.

I spent most of my single years believing that living with cerebral palsy presented a huge obstacle to falling in love and finding a life partner. You might be feeling the same way. You may think your disability makes you less attractive, less valuable as a partner.

What Sexual Ableism Is

Sexual ableism is a system of beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in dating, intimacy, and relationships, suggesting the very presence of disability implies inferiority (adapted from AccessLiving.org). Episode 2 is all about sexual ableism.

Sexual ableism is discrimination, belittling, judgments, archaic thinking. It’s just as real as racism, xenoism, and sexism is. It has to be acknowledged. 

But we don’t need to place this prejudicial thinking before our dreams. Why give more power to what can hurt you over what you want most?

Make the decision that was what you want most, to share my life with someone, is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than backwards beliefs.

Dare to Dream

I’m reading a fabulous book, Shining the Light: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley, a longtime disability advocate. I’ll be having Shirley on the show in the near future  to discuss her book. In Shining the Light, Shirley talks about how vital it is for all people to have dreams as part of a meaningful life. She writes, “Dreams give our life meaning and for some people, it is a dream that allows them to get up every morning and say, ‘I can do this one more day.”

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Love is love. 

Although this is typically associated with the LGBTQ+ community, those of us living with disabilities can certainly borrow it to help rise above sexual ableism. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, desired, and valued. This begins with changing what you put your focus on, where you invest your mental energy.

Choose your dreams over the negativity of sexual ableism. Believe in yourself. Believe in wort

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Unified Diversity, seems a contradictory term, doesn’t it?

It’s a topic I believe we pay too little attention to in the Disabled community – our solitary with other diverse populations, as well with one another. As someone who has always been and will always be a “minority,” I feel such an affinity with others who are lumped in this ever-growing category.

I, as a white, heterosexual woman, feel a particular kinship to the LBGTQ+ community. First and foremost because so many treasured friends of mine belong to this diverse and dynamic group.

But my affinity runs deeper than friendship…

It’s about owning, claiming, and celebrating a natural part of your being that is still often viewed by the majority as unnatural and even worse, “not right.” While I can’t try to proclaim that I understand the struggles that still exist today for people who are “coming out,” I do certainly understand how it feels to encounter the fear of difference.  I believe as a society we have come a long way in the last few decades in that regard. 

As I have watched the progression of the Pride movement into increased acceptance and value for the diverse ways people live and love, I can’t help but think there are so many lessons for the Disabled community to learn from. At the core of Pride movement, I see people valuing how they’re different for the “majority” and taking pride in their diversity, which has endured a history of shame, denigration, and abuse. Sound familiar?

It can feel so isolating at times to learn to take pride in the very thing that brings so much adversity in your life, whether it be using a wheelchair, loving someone of the same sex, identifying with another gender, or being a different race. Pride, for me on my heterosexual, heteronormative, Disabled lens, is really about celebrating who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear.

We all struggle to be celebrated in a world that may not accept us. Let’s begin by accepting one another within that realm of difference and learning from one another to accept ALL differences.

Let’s all “come out” as a way of teaching the world that diversity expands and strengthens the global good. This is why we need Unified Diversity and not categories of differences. Let’s not only embrace one another’s struggles, but learn from them as a means of easing our own personal journeys.

You may be asking, “Okay, I get all this, but how does Pride fit into dating with a disability?”

These three simple, yet profound lessons from the Pride movement can really be effective in countering sexual ableism in the dating scene:

1. Come out and claim, own, and celebrate your disability as a natural part of your being in the face of others seeing it as unnatural and even worse, “not right.” 
2. Celebrate who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear and live your life.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

My husband and I recently celebrated the 15th anniversary of our first date. To me, 15 years feels like a milestone. It also got me thinking about first dates and initially meeting people. It can be very tenuous, especially when you live with a disability. People judge you, have perceptions of you that are frequently wrong, and may just dismiss you all together. And this can happen whether or not other people have disabilities themselves because we all process disabilities in very individual ways.

• In addition to judging you, people can also be uncomfortable with the presence of your disability. That was certainly the case with the first date I had with my husband. Check out episode 1, I’m So Uncomfortable, for those details.
• What I want to talk about today is the concept of holding space for discomfort on dates. I think this is so important because I am sure if I didn’t hold the space for my husband’s discomfort on our awkward first date, I would have never heard from him.

Difference Between Discomfort and Ableism 

• Before I talk about holding the space for discomfort, I want to distinguish discomfort from ableism. While discomfort can certainly come from ableism, I define discomfort more with what someone is feeling inside and how they’re reacting to a person or situation. Ableism, on the other hand, is projecting discomfort to make the experience of being disabled wrong or inferior.

What Does Holding Space Mean

• Holding space is typically a counseling term. It can also be a term used in yoga. I actually found a great definition for it at yogapedia.com. “When you hold space for someone, you are doing something very beautiful. You are allowing them the chance to feel safe and supported in being exactly what they are and allowing whatever comes, to simply happen. You are protecting their ability to exist and to experience their reality, without judging them or attempting to alter this reality in any way.”
• Now I want to be clear, it is certainly not our job - ever - to take care of others and help them feel safe and supported adjusting to our disabilities. I have always felt that when you’re an adult, that’s their responsibility.

Tips for Holding Space 

• I want to just share some tips for holding space for someone’s discomfort with you and your disability.
• First of all, it’s not about you! It’s so important that you remember this. You having a disability is never, ever the problem. People thinking that way is the problem. So just continually remind yourself of that when confronted with discomfort about your disability.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• While I’m a firm believer that disabilities are natural and the wor

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today I interview Ellen Merker, a Licensed Professional Counselor, who own Heart Consulting in Madison, WI. Heart Consulting works with people with developmental disabilities, physical disabilities, and mental illness; of all genders and gender identities, sexual orientations, race, socioeconomic status, religions, cultures, and ethnicity.  

Heart Consulting believes in empowering people with disabilities to live full lives with meaningful relationships, and works to do this through educating about safe and healthy relationships, as well as provide support and advocacy to individuals.  

Ellen  started Heart Consulting LLC in 2017, after seeing the need for more resources around sexual assault and domestic violence in the disability community. Ellen received her MS in Rehabilitation Psychology from UW-Madison in 2012, and has worked in various roles with neurodivergent individuals for over 10 years.  Ellen’s therapy focuses on individual needs and looking at the how one’s environment may be impacting mental health.

Resources 

• Heart Consulting on Instagram
• Heart Consulting on Facebook
• Heart Consulting's website
• Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Let’s face it -- dating with a disability can be hard! People can struggle to accept you and what you have to offer. It can certainly affect your self esteem and confidence. This is exactly why I specialize in ways to increase self esteem and confidence when dating. The best way to counter this is through affirmations, positive statements you focus on as a way of building your confidence. 

Not Faking It

• I want to be clear about something. Saying affirmations is about changing your beliefs. It is not about “faking it until you make it,” which unfortunately is what I used to believe.
• Affirmations are about pretending to be something you’re not. It’s about rewiring your brain your thoughts and beliefs to work with you rather than against you.

Why These  Statements Work

Here are 8 affirmations to increase your confidence in dating and relationships. I’m going through each statement to explain why it works.  If you don’t believe these statements right now, that’s fine. Try to remove any judgment as you say them. The power of affirmations comes from reading them and saying them daily. As you do, you change your mindset to bring about the positive changes you want in your life.

• My disability and the experience of living with it only adds to what I have to offer.
• The strengths and personal qualities, such as determination and acceptance of others, you have gained from living with a disability enhance who you are and what you offer to others.
• I enjoy dating and meeting people.
• I attract people who see my disability as an asset.
• I have the courage to let go of negative people to make room for people who see my value.
• My disability adds to my value as a person.
• I only accept people in my life who treat me well.
• I deserve a fun, loving, and healthy relationship.
• There’s someone out there who would love to be in a relationship with me.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• “You must master a new way to think before you master a new way to be.” - Marianne Williamson
• Saying these affirmations will help you focus on a new way to be, one that is confident in your worth, disability and all.
• So much of dating is about your mindset and how you perceive yourself as a potential partner.
• Grab the download for this episode, Affirmations for Confidently Dating. It has all the affirmations I just went through. Practice saying them, mentally focus on them, have them become part of a new way to be in the dating scene.

Resources 

• Free download - Affirmations for Confidently Dating

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

During the many years I was single, the best advice I got was “You won’t be for everyone.” This came as a relief and it still surprises me that it was news to me at the time. Well, of course, I’m not for everyone! Duh!

But why did I focus on “everyone” needing to find me attractive?

I think my experience in putting a lot of weight and focus on the concept of “everyone” is a common dating trap.

Today we’re going to challenge the concept of “everyone” needing to find you attractive, being comfortable with you, or even accepting you.

It’s a Relief to Let Go of Everyone
The person who said this to me actually conveyed it in a very loving way and with the intention of helping me to let go of my arduous efforts to impress all potential partners. And it worked! I began to breathe more deeply and relax into who I am, rather than what I was putting out there.  In my dating years, I believed in the impossible – that all potential dating partners could work through their resistance toward my disability.  After all, I go through life, knowing that certain people in general will just have difficulty accepting my disability…and people who would have a more intimate relationship with me, would not?! Ugh, arrogance!

When I received this gentle slap in the face of “You’re not for everyone,” it was actually welcomed. Ahh, this meant I could focus on those who were for me and let go of my false need for the others.

From Everyone to Someone
Relaxing into this knowledge helped to foster my Power to Attract (see episode 10), meaning I could put my focus more on what I had to offer to the dating/relationship scene, than trying to draw someone to me. The Power to Attract is about focusing on our gifts and abilities. When you do this, you draw the right people to you.

On some level when you live with a disability, people will always look at what you don’t “have.” For better or worse, it’s human nature. Our job as people with disabilities, I believe, is to be open to all the gifts and lessons we bring to the many who are open to us. If you’re out there dating, knowing you’re not for everyone really helps clear the way for those who are drawn to you.

A Word About Rejection
Another area in dating where the word “everyone” trips us up is when we’re rejected. It could be by one person or ten, but we can believe that everyone is rejecting us. When we think that everyone is rejecting us, that can certainly negatively impact our self esteem and confidence.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Catch yourself when you find yourself falling into the “everyone” trap. It’s not true! Every single person does not believe what one or even 50 people believe.
• Focus on the someones that are out there that will find you attractive, will want to get to know you, and

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Everyone I interview for this podcast is special, but I have to admit today's guest might be the most special. Today, we're talking my husband, Scott, about what it's like to have a partner with a disability.

We also talk about:

•  His version of our first date and  that memorable evening?
• We’re coming up on the fifteenth anniversary of our first date. Scott talks about what he has learned in 15 years of having a partner with a disability.
• What are challenges he continues to experience.
• How he is affected by my increasing physical challenges as I get older.
• How he thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
• Advice he would give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.
• And advice  for people without disabilities who may become partners.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Download the Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide in the show notes to help you in getting clear and feeling empowered about your disability in relationships.

Resources

• Free download - Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. In this episode we’re going to over what you need to consider when breaking up with someone so that it’s done in a thoughtful and even loving way and not filled with drama.

Check In With Yourself

Listen to what you’re feeling and respect them. If something doesn’t feel right, trust that and communicate about it. Ask yourself the following questions:

•  “Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?”
• Am I happy in this relationship?
• Am I being treated the way I want to?
• Am I being spoken to the way I want to be?
• Is there anything I’m uncomfortable with?
• Do we have the same values?
• Are we on the same page in our relationship?
• Do we have support as a couple?
• Am I growing as a person?
• What else?

Examine the “Health” of a Relationship

Have the courage to speak up and say if something doesn’t feel right. Use “I statements” and speak from your power.Say what you need, knowing they may not be able to give it to you.

The reality of any relationship is that a person may not be able to give you what you need. Like rejection, this is not necessarily a reflection of you, but more of where they are at. It’s then up to you to decide on what you want to do in the relationship. Do you want to try to work through it or is it a sign that it’s not the right relationship for you? 

The questions you should ask yourself are also great questions to ask your  partner as a way of making sure you're on the same page about your relationship and the direction it is heading.

Knowing When to Leave

• When there’s any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental. Leave at the first sign.
• When you’re generally unhappy in the relationship.
• When you don’t feel respected or treated well.
• When you are not on the same page with your partner about your relationship.

Make sure you’re as happy and fulfilled in a relationship as you are NOT in one.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. Follow the steps we just went through if you find you’re unsure if you’re with the right person.
• Download the resource guide Having Difficult Conversations to help you.

Resources 

• Free download - Having Difficult Conversations

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

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Music by: htt

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

In any podcast about dating, at some point we need to talk about rejection. It’s a natural part of the dating process. Most of us endure rejection at some point. Rejection hurts and quite honestly, sucks. That said, the problem with rejection is we make it mean something negative about ourselves. What if we didn’t take rejection personally? Yes, I did just suggest you don’t take rejection to be about you. Hang on with me over the next few moments as I give you a different way of looking at rejection.

Don’t Let Rejection Stop You 

• Many people don’t date because they’re afraid of rejection. While this is understandable and trust me, I did this myself while I was single, it won’t ever get you the results you want. 
• I know someone who has never fully gotten over being rejected. Her boyfriend broke up with her 25 years ago and she has never dated again because she doesn’t want to experience that pain again. But what has happened is she has lived with the daily pain of being alone when she deeply wants to share her life with someone.
• Sometimes we have to go through intense pain in order to get the bigger result we’re looking for.
• I want to give you two ways of looking at rejection that may be helpful in better coping with it.

Preference and Feedback

• Rejection is simply someone Indicating a preference, meaning the other person wants someone other than you. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” about you. It means they want someone or something else.
• Maybe you can even grow from the feedback you get when someone doesn't want to date you?
• It may be cliche but often cliches speak the truth. Someone rejecting you really does clear the way for the right person to come into your life. Once I met my husband, I realized why no other relationship worked out - I would have never met him if they did.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Work on not taking rejection personally. It may feel like it’s about you, but it’s not. Don’t let it define you and certainly don’t let any no mean you can’t have what you want most. See rejection as simply another person’s preference and setting you on the path you need to be on.
• This week’s resource is on Who is Your Support System because rejection can be painful to deal with. You need to reach out for support. Get love and encouragement from others in your life.

Resources 

• Free download - Who is Your Support System?

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

One of the most common questions people ask when wanting to date is how do I meet people. I certainly wondered about this when I was single. Most of my friends were married and by the time I was in my 30s, I really didn’t want to hang out in a bar. So how do you meet people? I have some ideas. As with much of what I recommend, it involves strategies and you’ll need to actually do it.

Familiarity

• Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you.This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.
• Take a new look at the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

Try New Places

• The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.
• Get outside of your comfort zone. Try new places, events, and activities. 
• You never know what will come of it.

Online Dating

• Online dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people.
• Do what feels right for you. 
• Always make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person.
• If you decide to try online dating, what are 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join. 
• It may be good to stay with a site at last three months before switching.
• Putting thought, time, and energy into these details to reflect who you are will likely increase the chances for success,

The Dating Profile

• I have talked about doing a dating profile before in Episode 12. A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this.
• Even if you’re not doing online dating, you should have a dating profile.
• It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. 
• Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies.
• See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.

Here’s some potential things you can include in a dating profile:

• What do you want people to know about you?
• \What are you looking for in a relationship?
• What kind of person do you want to date?
• Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. 
• While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate