Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Marco, 36, loves everything to do with cars and working out. His relationship with Dana is my second serious relationship ever. 

Dana, 44, has three children, and has a property manager for ten years. She now works for the New York state housing authority. She never dated someone with a disability before meeting Marco. 

They chat with me about meeting on a dating app, Dana getting to know how to support Marco, deciding to live together because they were long distanced, and the unfortunate resistance they have faced from Marco's family.

They also share some sage advice about getting out there, taking a risk, and possibly falling in love.

Resources

Marco's email - [email protected]

Dana's email - [email protected]

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

 “Joey” Pagano,  a Central New York-based journalist, columnist, and writer. He recently obtained my masters degree in Cultural Foundations of Education and certificate of advanced study in Disability Studies from Syracuse University’s School of Education. He graduated from Syracuse’s S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications in May 2021, one year early, and am pursuing a career in journalism and politics. Currently a research assistant at SU’s Burton Blatt Institute and a legislative correspondent in the office of New York State Senator John W. Mannion, he is seeking freelance opportunities.

Since graduating, he's been a guest columnist for Syracuse.com/The Post Standard, writing columns on a variety of topics. He also written for Yahoo Life and contributed to work at Syracuse’s Center on Disability and Inclusion.” (Website: wheelchairqb.com)

We chat about:

• His experience in dating, relationships, and disabilities.
• The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships.
• As a person who communicates in alternative ways, how that poses particular challenges or possibly advantages when it comes to dating.
• The challenges he needs to consider n dating regarding needing help with the logistics of a date, such as getting there, but then naturally,  wanting privacy once you’re with your date. 
• Why he sometimes wonder if dating is worth the effort. 
• How he thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
• The most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

Follow Joey on Instagram

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today I want to focus on transitional behavior change in dating. In this episode, we will be discussing how to change your behavior in small ways to get the results in dating and relationships that you want. Whether you're moving from casual dating to a committed relationship or just trying to work up the courage to put yourself out there, these transitions can be challenging, and changing your behavior can be even more difficult.

To start, it's essential to understand that transitional behavior change requires self-awareness and intentionality. You have to be aware of the behaviors that no longer serve you and intentional about changing them. It's also essential to remember that these changes won't happen overnight. It takes time and effort to make significant changes in behavior.

When it comes to the behavior changes required so that you can put yourself out there, that even more challenging. That’s why you want to begin with small steps like maybe just reading a book or an article on dating. Maybe you join a free dating site or app to just get used to it. Maybe you tell one friend you’re thinking of dating and ask if they know anyone that may be a good match for you.

The key is you begin to take action to develop new behaviors that will lead to you being more open and available to meet potential dates. I recently heard someone talk about transitional behavior change when she began losing 100 pounds. Now losing 100 pounds feels like a monumental task. This woman began by just walking 15 minutes a day. 15 minutes is very doable. Many of you don’t know I wrote a book several years ago called Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities. It took me several years to write and I finally finished it by beginning to write 15 minutes a day.

So if you’re having a hard time getting going with dating, what can you do in 15 minutes a day to make progress?

In conclusion, transitional behavior change in dating requires self-awareness, intentionality, and effort. Whether you're transitioning from casual dating to a committed relationship or from a long-term relationship to being single, the key is to be open to change and willing to do the work. Remember that change won't happen overnight, and it's essential to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. With the right mindset and commitment, you can successfully navigate these transitions and create a dating life that aligns with your values.

Resources 

Dating Made Easier membership

Kathy's book - Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I'm sharing a Q & A session from the dating presentation in Episode 72 I  gave to the Myositis Association.

Malati Marlene Shinazy from the Myostis community dropped a wisdom bomb on  the best question - and the only question - you should ask on a first date.

We also talk about:

• Ableism in dating
• The Promotional Self versus the Real Self in Dating
• How to disclose a disability
• Sex versus intimacy 

Resources

Free download: How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability

Check out our Dating Memberships:
Check out all the support and resources you get in the Dating Made Easier membership to help you get the results you need. You get a ton of support for just $29 a month! :)

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Listen to a live workshop I gave to the Myositis Association.  You'll hear the three essentials to dating with a disability. The simple breakdown is:

1. Beliefs - You have to have a positive belief system about yourself, your disability, and your potential for dating.
2.  A Dating Plan - A lot of people want to date, dream about it, hope for it, but don't really plan for it. You need a plan for how you're going to turn your DESIRES INTO ACTIONS.
3. Support - Dating is hard for anyone! You need support. Who are the people who you can turn to listen to you, encourage you, and help you problem solve?

Listen to how I break it down in a simple format in just a few minutes.

Get the Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier workbook here.

If you feel you could use support on any or all three of these essentials, check out all the support and resources you get in the Dating Made Easier membership to help you get the results you need. You get a ton of support for just $29 a month! :)

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

For Valentine's Day, I wanted to share a story of a couple living out dating, relationships, and disability. Victoria is a 32 year old woman who was born prematurely with an official diagnosis of spastic diplegia cerebral palsy within her first year. She is  a full-time wheelchair user - college educated with a degree in Spanish. 

Sean is a science writer, maker, cat dad, and halfway decent baker. Originally from Connecticut, he has lived in Knoxville, TN since 2014. He enjoys gaming, comedy, and sci-fi and fantasy, or “nerd stuff,” as Victoria calls it.

In this interview they share how they met on Tinder, their first date, and how they have brought Victoria's disability into their relationship. They also discuss:

What do you think are the particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships?

Victoria: ABLEISM! Internal, sure. But especially external/societal. 

I’ve lost count of the number of times the question “can you have sex?”is the first thing a Tinder match would ask. Yes, especially for those of us with physical disabilities, our differences and challenges and limitations might be immediately apparent, but trust me, there’s so much more beneath the surface! 

Sean: On the partner side, I had to learn to think about every aspect of an activity or outing through the lens of disability and accessibility. You have to put yourself in your partner’s place and consider more factors that just don’t affect non-disabled people in the same way, like adjusting travel times, accounting for crowds, and researching a place’s accessibility ahead of time. 

How do you think society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners?

Victoria: I’ll echo Sean’s sentiment. Interabled couple representation in the media isn’t the missing piece of the puzzle, so to speak, but it means a hell of a lot. 

Sean: Representation of interabled couples in the media would definitely be a step.  Normalizing disabled romance and affection in public so people’s default thought when seeing an interabled couple is not “that’s their caregiver”

What do you think is the most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships?

Victoria: Learn about yourself. Learn about your wants and your needs and your values. Learn about your attachment style. Therapy is a great place to do this work, if you are fortunate enough to have access to it.

The more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to determine what you’re looking for in a partner. Show your partner what you’ve learned, be curious about what they’re learning. See if they're willing and able to learn and grow alongside you. 

Resources

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This year we're aiming to make dating EASIER for you. Join us for lunch of Valentine's Day, bring a question or dating dilemma you're dealing with, and let us share some solutions with you.

Sign up here to join us on Valentine's Day at 12pm EST.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

“Consult your own heart and decide what kind of person you want to be,” 
-Chris Lowney, Heroic Living 

Often when we’re dating and not getting the results we want, ie, not getting dates or people even looking at our profile, it can get pretty discouraging. That discouragement can certainly intensify the loneliness and frustration you feel about dating. This may cause you to think, What else can I be doing or what am I doing wrong? I remember thinking this a lot when I was single and trying to date.

I was so wrong and I think that my approach of focusing on what they wanted kept me feeling like I was hitting a brick wall. Putting so much energy into figuring out what others wanted left me not being my authentic self. One of the most important lessons I have learned in life is the more authentic you are, the more you draw the right people for you, the people who really get and understand you. Sure, some people won’t like you but they’re not your people and you need to trust that being with them would ultimately make you miserable.

There’s an important question you can ask yourself to help you put the focus back on you when it comes to dating. I mentioned it in Episode 66 when I reviewed Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier.  The answer to this question transformed me from feeling insecure and awkward in dating to relaxing into the truth of who I was.

Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Think about this for a minute because it’s an important question. For me, I wanted to be someone who unapologetically accepted myself and my disability in the dating scene. You see, I felt like I had already done that in all areas of my life except in dating. I wanted to be able to address issues related to my disability without worrying that it was this big obstacle that potential dates could not work through. I wanted to feel more confident in what I could offer as a partner and focus on that.

I also made another decision that made all the difference. I decided to enjoy dating rather than dreading the whole process of putting myself out there and meeting new people, which is what I did until then. As you can imagine, this changed the energy I brought to dating. By staying inside my own head  and focusing on the person I wanted to be in the dating scene, dating did become easier for me. And within just a couple months, I met my husband.

I encourage you to really think on this: Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Come up with just 3-5 adjectives or phrases you can focus on such as confident, secure, owning my disability, open, relaxed. Then really allow your words to roll around in your brain and being. Embody them. Become them. Remember we’re always evolving into the person we’re meant to be, so just because you haven’t been

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

If you saw the title of this podcast and thought, Wait a minute, you’re always saying how you need dating confidence. And while i still agree with this, I think one of the ways we grow the most in life is to consider different alternatives to looking at our own ideas so they're not etched in stone. I recently read a great book that i was actually asked to review before it’s published. It will be out on February 23. It’s a business book called Two Weeks Notice by Amy Porterfield, who has been an online teacher of mine for several years now. The book is great one for giving you a framework for beginning your own business or side hustle. 

And as a side note - I will actually begin connecting this to dating in a second - but even though employment is not my area of expertise in the disability field, I’m a huge proponent of people with disabilities beginning their own businesses and dictating their own career path. And to be honest, a lot of why I feel so strongly about this is because there’s so much employment discrimination to deal with even once you’re given a position. So I say, screw it, forge your own path to success and money. 

Okay, I’ll get back in my lane and return to talking about dating…

In the book, Amy distinguishes courage from confidence with this statement: “Courage is something you choose. Confidence is something you earn.” She goes on to explain courage starts when you begin to have the desire for something, although you’re uncertain about how or even if you’ll get it. Courage is also present even when you have no proof of succeeding at something in the past. 

Confidence is then the outcome of courageous acts and what you gain over time. To put this in the dating context, you need courage for example to go on a dating app and put your profile up. Confidence will develop as you begin to feel more comfortable and talking with others on the app.

Courage is driven by your desire for something - wanting to share your life with someone, not wanting to feeling lonely, longing to be loved, wanting to be accepted and seen. A number of things could be driving your courage even when you don’t feel confident. 

What is vital is that you honor that desire within yourself and choose to pursue it, even though you feel insecure and unsure how to go about doing so. Remember if you don’t honor your dreams and desires, who will?

If you want support in gathering your courage and gaining confidence, check out the brand new Dating Made Easier monthly membership, where you’ll get support for figuring out the dating puzzle and learn skills to make it way easier and enjoyable. Check out the link in the show notes.

Yes, you heard it from me. If you don’t feel confident in dating, no worries. You just need a little bit of coura

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate