Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Today is a big day at my company, Radiant Abilities, because we’re taking a deeper dive into our mission of helping “move the needle” on people with disabilities being seen as dating and relationship partners. 

As I have mentioned previously on past shows, we spent most of last year researching what people with disabilities were experiencing when it came to dating. Here are some highlights we learned:

• 72% of the people with disabilities interviewed rank dating and relationships as either Very Important or Important in their life.
• Most reported the following challenges they encounter when dating: not finding online dating successful, not meeting the right type of person, being unsure how to effectively communicate about their disability, and lacking confidence in the dating scene.
• 64% of the people with disabilities interviewed reported a desire for ongoing training and support to learn skills in communication, healthy boundaries, increase confidence, and coping with ableism.

We wanted to create a space in which people trying to date and develop healthy relationships, to work on skills such as confidence and communication in a supportive learning community. While we are certainly known for helping people with disabilities, our new membership, Dating Made Easier, is open to all people, with and without disabilities. This is because inclusion is one of our core values and two, so many times over the years, people have said to me how work really applies to all people.

Now on the professional side, we are also opening Supporting Dating and Relationships membership. Last year we interviewed over 100 professionals in disability services.

Here are some of the key findings from talking with them:

• 87% of professionals interviewed rank dating and relationships with PWDs as important all the time or important when it comes up.  
• 93% who are concerned about social issues rank it either important all the time or important when it comes up. 
• A third of professionals identified dating as one of biggest challenges 
• These same professionals tend to go to “Expert Resources” in dating and relationships while online and find them helpful 100% of the time.
• Aside from the above statistic, professionals report that resources for dating and relationships are not working 75% of the time.

I realize, though, that many professionals have a strong desire to do this but don’t feel they have enough training and adequate resources to do so, especially when it comes to helping someone with dating skills.

We are hosting free informational workshops this week and next. 

Links to sign up for the Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier workshop:

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Before we begin, I want to invite you to a free workshop next week. We’re actually offering two. The first is for people wanting to date, called Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier. In this workshop, you’ll learn how to take overwhelm and frustration out of dating. You’ll learn how to do this by focusing on increasing your dating self esteem, having a dating plan, and follow through. The workshop will be offered at a couple times. Sign up here.

The second workshop is for professionals, particularly those with people with disabilities. Effectively Supporting Dating and Professionals will lay out a framework for supporting people in developing skills for successful dating and healthy relationships. You can sign up here.

Have you considered what’s possible for you in dating and relationships? Often when we have a dream, our brains tend to focus on the barriers or limits to reaching that dream. That’s our brain being primitive and trying to protect us from harm or disappointment. When we begin to think about possibilities in our life that bring some level of risk, like dating, our brains think about what can go wrong as a way of trying to minimize the harm we may experience. The problem with this is it can keep us stuck in limited beliefs.

The Possibility Formula 

There’s an incredible life coach I follow, Brooke Castillo, who uses what she calls the Possibility Formula in her teaching. She describes the formula as “working really diligently on is helping people reinvent their personal truths. Uncovering their limiting belief, the things that they’re using to limit themselves, and helping them release those things so they can see beyond what they thought possible for themselves.”

To break this down, the way you come up with a possibility formula for yourself is to look at the goal or dream of what you want to achieve. Then look at the limiting beliefs you have about yourself in achieving that goal or dream. So for dating, the goal may be you want to find a partner, but the limiting belief is that you believe people won’t even give you the chance, maybe because you feel they don’t see beyond your disability.

That’s the limiting belief that is holding you back from the possibilities of a partner. This is where you need to ask yourself is this belief helping me create the possibilities I want or blocking them?

You then do the work on releasing the limiting belief. Maybe that no one gives me a chance becomes there’s someone out there who would love to meet me.

I want you to think about how you can lean into possibilities. By th

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Did you know that January 8, which was just two days ago if you’re listening live to this podcast, is the “best” day of the year to be doing online dating? The theory behind this is its due to the combination of New Year’s resolutions and the large number of post holiday break ups that drive people to online dating sites. Apparently, right about now is an optimal time to be online dating because the selection of prospects of dates is higher than usual.

However, that’s not at all intended to imply that your prospects are dismal the rest of the year. But you may be thinking, Ugh, online dating, do I really want to do that? For years and I mean years, I felt the same way, despite watching a close friend get on a dating site in the very early days of online dating and eventually meet her husband. At that time in my head, online dating felt like a “phony” way to meet people.

But here’s the catch - I wasn’t meeting many people offline either

Whether you’re doing online or offline dating, I want to talk to you about three essentials that help when you’re dating. In my most recent work in the area of dating and relationships, I’ve been asking people about what does not work for them. Many interestingly reported that online dating does not work and it further discourages them from dating altogether. This is because it’s hard to continually put yourself out there and face rejection. 

Essential #1 - Dating Self Esteem and Confidence 

That’s where I believe Dating Essential #1 comes in: Dating Self Esteem and Confidence. You may feel overall good about yourself and confident in your life, But what about when you have to put yourself out there in a vulnerable way and risk rejection, like in dating? It IS scary because there is a good probability that you may be rejected. And rejection hurts and can do a number on your self esteem and confidence.

But how do you do that? It begins with a MINDSET that builds your dating self esteem and confidence. Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Think about this for a minute because it’s an important question.

The answer to this question transformed me from feeling insecure and awkward in dating to relaxing into the truth of who I was.

Essential #2 - A Plan, Not Just Hope 

How are you going to turn your actions into desires? 

Often the things we want the most in life require a lot of work. It is the most in life require a lot of work. Even when we fail.

What is your plan for being consistent about getting out there and meeting people? Where will you meet people? Online? In person? Where are you most comfortable meeting people?

And equally important, where can you reach out of your comfort zone in order to meet people? This is where Essential #2 leads to Essential #3.

Essential #3 - Follow Through and Support

You need at least 1-3 people yo

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This is going to be a slightly different episode today. Usually most of the episodes are geared toward people with disabilities and providing dating advice and strategies. Today, I want to turn the attention to professionals who work in disability services, whether you’re a special educator, program coordinator, direct service provider, or executive director. My mission and the mission of my company, Radiant Abilities, is to “move the needle” as I call it so that people with disabilities are more readily seen as dating and relationship partners.

In order to do this, I believe the work in changing the dating scene is not only up to people with disabilities but also the professionals within the field. For years, as I built my business, I worked myself in the disability field in various positions ranging from program coordinator of direct service to Medicaid service coordinator to community integration counselor. I have to say, I would very infrequently see services and goals include dating and relationships, even though that was one of the most meaningful goals for many people I have worked with.

I think the main reason this is not addressed as much as it should be is that professionals themselves aren’t sure how to go about assisting someone with solving the dating and relationships puzzle. Last year we here at Radiant Abilities undertook the tasks of interviewing over 100 professionals in disability services throughout the United States.

Here’s some highlights of what we learned:

• 87% of professionals interviewed rank dating and relationships with PWDs as important all the time or important when it comes up.  
• 93% who are concerned about social issues rank it either important all the time or important when it comes up. 
• A third of professionals identified dating as one of biggest challenges 
• Aside from the above statistic, professionals report that resources for dating and relationships are not working 75% of the time.

The Solution 

We’re launching at the end of January, the Supporting Dating and Relationships membership for professionals. Last week we announced a membership for individuals, with and without disabilities, to teach dating and relationship skills. We are also launching a membership for professionals in teaching and supporting professionals in how to effectively address and foster these skills in the people they work with.

A Look Inside

For professionals who join the membership, which is a monthly membership in which every month you get new resources and ongoing support, you get our complete curriculum on supporting dating and relationship skills for people with disabilities. The curriculum includes 16 video lessons, accompanying worksheets, discussion guides, and other resources. You get instant access to that as soon as y

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

We're going to make dating easier in 2023!  Coming in late January, Dating Made Easier, a monthly membership that will teach you dating and relationship skills that will transform you and your dating journey in the following areas:

Increase Dating Self  Esteem  - Learn how to identify your unique Power to Attract the dating experiences and relationships you want.

Grow Your Confidence - Develop confidence and achieve your specific dating and relationship goals.

Learn Skills to Keep Relationships - Gain the skills in communication, problem solving, and being authentic in relationships. 

Here's what you get with the Dating Made Easier Membership:

• Workshop of the Month - 30-40 minute live presentation on a dating and relationship skill or issue.
• Group brainstorming session to address questions people are having about specific dating and relationship challenges. 
• Additional resource guide of the month released with a live video tutorial to accompany it. 
• Networking meeting for group members to get to know one another and work on communication skills. 
• Bonus Week 5 of the  Month - Group members will vote for their preference at the beginning of the month for an additional workshop, brainstorming session, or networking meeting.

Additional Features:

• “Ask Alexa  (and Kathy)” - members can email or through the site us direct questions
• Facebook group - this is only for members to social share with each other
• All workshops, brainstorming sessions, and video tutorials will be recorded and added into a video library on the site.

Cost:  $29/month or $290/annually

Premium Features: For $179/month, members get all the above issues and two individual, 45 minute consulting a month.

FAQs:

• Workshops and all meetings are in a group format. They are offered live to maximize interaction and answer specific questions. Everything is recorded for on demand viewing.
• There's an option to purchase a premium membership and receive one-on-one coaching.
• Results are based on you and that’s great news because you’re the only one that can get out there and meet the person you’ve been longing to meet. We can certainly help give you the skills and support to make that EASIER and to help you feel less alone in the journey.
• You can cancel the membership at any time before the 25th of each month for the following month.

The membership will be run by myself and my colleague, Alexa Strickland. 

Kathy has 25 years of experience working as a mental health counselor on dating and relationships skills. She created the Dating and Healthy Relationships curriculum, an online course and hosts the weekly podcast on dating. Kathy transformed from a struggling single to happily married.

 Alexa is a counselor and trainer in dating

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

There are a lot of hard parts of dating - having the courage to put yourself out there, facing the possibility of rejection, getting hurt, having difficult conversations, and the list can go on and on. Sometimes it certainly may not feel worth it, but it is, especially if you want to share your life with someone.

Today I want to talk about a dating difficulty that wasn’t on that brief list - putting yourself out there and receiving no response at all. It’s a rejection but not a direct one. It can sometimes feel worse than a direct one because you think, What, I’m not even worthy of a response?

This is a very common problem for all people dating. Many people don’t have the skills to communicate hard things like “Thank you so much for the offer, but I have other plans or I’m not interested.” We think we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but downright ignoring someone’s interest in you is not exactly kind either

How To Handle No Response

As I see it, there are basically two ways to respond to no response. You can obviously do nothing about it. Let it go. Write it off. Move on. The key in all this is to not internalize it as rejection. You have no concrete reason why they didn’t respond so don’t make it something negative about you. If they don’t have effective communication skills, that’s on them, not you. Don’t use no response against yourself.

Remind yourself it’s their loss. Congratulate yourself that it was terrific that you put yourself out there and took a risk. Also remember as with most things in life, the more you get a no, the closer you get to a yes.

The alternative to not saying anything to someone not responding to you at all is, of course, to say something. Circle back. Say, “Hey, I mentioned us doing XYZ and never heard from you. Could you tell me what’s going on?”

Yes, this is a more bold option. But if it’s calling to you to not ignore a no response, then go for it. I would just recommend doing it in a more matter of fact way and not an emotional way. If you do react emotionally rather than try to have a conversation, you may prove to the person why they didn’t respond to your invite. Also with this option, don’t internalize what the other person says. Remember, there’s another way of looking at rejection. Rejection is simply someone else’s preference. It’s not about you, who you are, or what you’re about.

Where Do We Go From Here?

It’s not fun to work up the courage to reach out to someone and express interest, only to receive no response or follow up. But what else are you going to do? You have to put yourself out there if you have that dream in your heart about finding your person. Putting yourself out there is how you do that.

Keep doing it. Keep showing up for yourself, not them. If you don’t get a response to asking someone out, decide if you’re g

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

How can we change society to accommodate disability?

I was recently at a conference in which this was asked of the audience in a workshop on presuming competence and ableism.  It got me thinking what if we were to substitute the word society with dating? How can we change dating to accommodate disability?

That question in itself may be the rest of my life’s work. It’s huge. It’s the answer to so many challenges around dating and disability. If we accommodated, which I define as people opening up their minds and hearts, in the dating world, how would dating become different for everyone? 

Would people be more compassionate, tolerant, and understanding of not just people with disabilities but all people? Would people be more patient and kind, rather than be so quick to swipe left?

How Do We Accommodate?

Self Awareness 

I think we begin with a lot more self awareness on everyone’s part. This means being aware and taking responsibility for the judgments we have. I’m talking about people who are disabled and people who are not. 

We often think that if we’re dating someone without a disability that they will certainly have judgments of us, but don’t we also have judgments about them which creates defenses? These defenses then create barriers to further understanding one another.

If we engage with one another from a place of being aware and owning our judgments, that will foster a more genuine understanding and openness with one another.

Willingness to Let Go of What You Think You Want

This will seem contrary to what I usually talk and teach about regarding knowing what kind of partner you want, which I do believe is important. However, it helps to have a little openness to being surprised by what the universe sends your way. While it’s good to know our general type, it’s also very healthy to have wiggle room for the unexpected.

I’m sure if six months before my husband met me, if someone said to him, “Hey, you know that woman you’ve been longing to meet? She’ll have cerebral palsy by the way,” he probably would have said, “I don’t think so.” But meeting me and having the openness to let go of expectations as we got to know one another helped him accommodate for a disabled partner.

Become a Problem Solver

When you live with a disability, problem solving becomes second nature because we have to do it constantly. Everything from inaccessible entrances to workplace discrimination to dealing with condescending people, we problem solve.

What I notice in the dating world, is a disability equates to a problem, but not as easily do people think about a solution. When you’re face with the potential of your date being a wheelchair user or on the spectrum, why not ask “Well, how could hanging out with this person work?” This question is so much more accommodating than the “They’re different, this won’

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today I want to flip the script a little. Normally I’m encouraging people who are out there dating and meeting people to focus on yourself, your thoughts, your behaviors, and what you want. All of those things you should definitely do. But sometimes it helps to just consider what your dates or people you want to be your dates are thinking.

Remember, a thought doesn’t make anything real. This actually can work to your advantage. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how there are definitely people who would never consider dating someone with a disability. I think it may actually be a good exercise to go into the mind of someone like this to examine that belief and see the fallacy in it.

Let’s even give them a gender neutral name, Pat. Say Pat looks at someone with a disability and thinks I would never want to be with someone like that. If we’re really being honest, there’s a good chance that Pat would not even see the person with a disability.

So Pat has some belief systems that separate them from other people. It could be they think they’re superior. It could be there very consumed in their own little world. It could be the perceived vulnerability of a disability shakes their own vulnerability way too much.

What may come out instead is pity, ableism, judgment, or all three. This is where the fallacy thinking comes in. It’s the belief in staying in the past, in what has been, rather than what could be. That thought of I have never been attracted to people with disabilities, why would I begin now?

Why would I open myself to a new way to love?

I believe we’re are changing how people see us with disabilities, but it’s slow. I believe the more we can pursue the relationships we want and even risk rejection and getting hurt, the more we evolve that thinking that shuts down so much growth and opportunity.

The important thing for you to know is their thinking is not ultimately about you, even though you may feel that way. Their belief system is based on a way of thinking that hasn’t yet caught with the potential of you.

When you encounter this, it may be helpful to pause and say, “Oh that’s interesting that you think that way.” No need to get defensive. They just have not caught up with you yet.  You just keep being you and getting out there and doing your thing. I assure you, the more you do, the more you’ll increase your chances of finding more like minded people.

Resources

Remember your affirmations and beliefs for helping you stay grounded in your value. Check out the updated version of Rising Above Sexual Ableism for this week to help you with that.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Ableism is a system of false beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in society and can be quite hurtful and damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. The good news is that you don't need to buy into ableism. Yes, it's out there but it doesn't need to define you. To feel more empowered over the effects of ableism, let's first look at how it has affected you. 

What are some ways you have dealt with false beliefs related to ableism? 

How has it affected you in both overt and subtle ways? Take five minutes to write about your challenges in this area. 

How does this affect your feelings about yourself and your confidence?

"The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new." - Socrates 

What are some positive beliefs you can believe about yourself and your disability? 

For example, My disability and the experience of living with it only adds to what I have to offer.

Boundaries and Relationship Skills 

In rising above ableism, it is so crucial to focus on developing healthy boundaries and the ability to clearly communicate them. This helps to build healthy relationship skills. 

What boundaries do you think are important for a healthy relationship then practice communicating your boundaries. You can communicate your boundaries by first identifying what you need and want to be different in the relationship. 

Example -  "Having personal space and time to myself to engage in activities that I enjoy" or "Having a partner/friend that respects my ideas, thoughts, and opinions." 

Example - "My personal space and time is important to me, I need space to do the activities that I enjoy." 

Checking In With Yourself 

If something doesn't feel right, trust how you feel and communicate about it. Ask yourself "Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?" It is so important to take the time to practice checking in with yourself. This will help you become aware if you are being treated fairly and what needs to be addressed in the relationship. 

In the area below, write down 3 questions that you can ask yourself to check in to see if you are truly happy in a relationship. Example -"Do I like the way I am being spoken to?" "Are my needs being met?" "Am I feeling happy and satisfied in this relationship?" 

Resources

Download the updated version of the resource guide, Rising Above Ableism, to help you take a look at how you are so much more than the discrimination you deal with due to your disability.

Episode #2 - What is Sexual Ableism?

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

If you’re someone out there trying to date or even wanting to date and maybe you’re not yet seeing the results you want, it may be challenging to feel grateful for the dating process. When you’re feeling lonely, isolated, and not receiving the attention you are so craving from others, being grateful may very well be the last thing you want to feel.

But it could be so helpful.

Hear me out on this. According to Harvard Health, “Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” Basically, gratitude changes our state of mind from one of lack to looking at what we do have.

I know you’re saying, “But what do I have? I don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I can’t even get people to swipe on my profile.”

I realize how hard being alone can feel. I had many years of enduring that feeling. It definitely doesn’t feel good. But this right here, when nothing feels like it’s working and you’re lonely as hell, is when you most need that sense of gratitude.

What to be Grateful for About Dating 

I’m encouraging you to look at whatever your dating experience has been and find what you’re grateful for. There has to be something. Whether it’s a relationship that ended, but taught you something about yourself or a quality about your personality that you have learned about yourself in pursuing relationships. Maybe it’s something that when it happened, you felt angry or resentful, but then after time, you realized there was some blessing in that not so great experience. 

I remember dating a guy for a few months and really liking him, but he broke it off. When he did he told me he wanted to be with someone who was “more into their body.” I of course took offense to this but over time, I realized that I was not really appreciating the body (and figure!) I had in my early thirties. So I was eventually grateful for that “nudge” by that former boyfriend.

Step into gratitude by looking at what you’re learning about the dating process, even through failure. Are you learning to better communicate through trial and error? Are you getting a better sense of the kind of person you want to be with? Maybe you’re learning what you won’t tolerate in relationships? 

There IS something you’re grateful for, my friend. Find it. Name it. Own it. And use it to help you get even better in dating and relationships.

Simple Exercise 

There’s no resource guide for this podcast because I want you to do a very simple exercise. Take out your phone, tablet, or even a good old fashioned index card. Write or record what you’re grateful for. Look at it every day, preferably multiple times a day, until it’s embedded in your beautiful brain. Embody what you’re grateful for. If you do this, you’ll begin to notice a change in your thinking and approach to dating and relati

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate