Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Are you someone who has difficulty dating because of others in your life not being receptive to the idea of you dating? I continue to hear about this happening. The supports in someone’s life are just not open to the idea of dating. They say no, you can’t date, even though they have no authority to do this. Keep in mind, in most states, even legal guardianship, doesn’t give someone the authority to do this.

But it can be hard when the people in your life don’t support, and hence, don’t do anything to help you with one of your biggest dreams. Sometimes you may need transportation to meet up with someone, or you may need someone to give you encouragement, or you may need help accessing your money to pay for something dating related. And you don’t get it.

This can be very frustrating and can make you feel helpless. What may help in situations is to become a dating advocate. What exactly is a dating advocate? Well, it’s pretty simple, much like any advocacy situation, you promote your right to date and have intimate relationships.

This may begin by talking to others in your life about why you want to date and why it’s meaningful to you. Many times others put up barriers to dating because they’re afraid for someone’s safety. I like to believe that once someone understands your why behind your dream, they're more likely to want to help you. If people love you and want your best, then wouldn’t they want you to ultimately feel love And happiness despite heartbreak, failures and challenges that go along with dating for most people.

However, sometimes they may know your why and still not be supportive and even try to prevent you from dating. This is when you may have to elevate your advocacy efforts.

As I said at the beginning, even legal guardianship can usually not prevent a person from developing relationships. We’re all entitled to love and affection and that is our right.

I want to talk about sexual consent for just a minute. It’s a complicated issue and varies state by state. I’m am definitely not an expert in it, but I do want to say unless you have been deemed unable to understand what sexual consent is and the implications of giving sexual consent, and your viewed as an adult in the state you live in (it varies by state), you can give sexual consent. Someone else cannot say no on your behalf.

Going back to advocacy, you can intensify it in the area of dating by reminding people of your rights to relationships, to make decisions, to take risks, and even fail. If the people preventing you from dating are saying they’re just trying to keep you safe or from getting hurt, please remind them that most people who date and eventually form very loving relationships, get hurt somewhere along the way. This is about the dignity of risk.

You may also need to identify a couple people in your life who can be allies for you and help you advocate. Remember streng

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

One of the most significant barriers I have found in both working with people with disabilities on dating and relationships, as well as counseling people is how to undo a negative belief. It can be real hard to do so, especially when you had others give you negative messages, reacted negatively to you, or you haven’t received the results you have wanted in your dating pursuits. 

Just to explain a little further by what I mean by results. Results are the outcomes you’re looking to achieve by anything you try. In dating and relationships, results can be getting a date, people responding to your dating profile, meeting new people who could be potential dates.

If we don’t get good feedback on what we’re trying to do and/or the results we want, it makes it hard to undo a negative belief. For example, I know a man with CP who worked up the courage to ask a girl out in high school. She just said to him, “Are you always going to walk that way?” Statements like this can keep negative beliefs, like no one will find me attractive because of my disability, really entrenched in our minds.

When we have been hurt and the world hasn’t validated our worth, it can be really hard to undo negative beliefs.

But what else are you going to do? Go through life letting negative beliefs rule and make you feel worse about yourself?

Our brains can be very sneaky. They can make us think that what we believe is reality. But I don’t think you want your reality to be doubting yourself or feeling you can’t achieve what you want.

You need to consciously choose what you want to think and believe about yourself. Let me show you how to to do this by example.

Let’s take the example of no one will date me because I have a disability. You have to begin to undo this by thinking what is the replacement belief you want. In this case, the thought you might obviously want to have is people will date me and accept my disability.

This may seem like a jump from no one will date me to people in general will date me. But what about a bridge thought? A bridge thought is a thought that is a smaller step to a bigger belief. For our example here, the bridge thought could be, there’s someone out there who would love to date me. That way you’re focusing on believing a more manageable belief. This more manageable belief can then help undo the negative belief of no one wanting to date you.

Now here’s the key to all this. When you find yourself believing a negative, you got to stop your brain and redirect it to the positive belief, almost like you would a small child. Say “Oh no, we’re not doing that, we’re going over here.”

It takes work to redirect our minds away from negative beliefs but that’s how we begin to do it. This is so important because most of the time, whatever we believe becomes our reality. If you believe people won’t date you because of your disability, that will like

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

The most common questions people ask when wanting to date is how do I meet people.

I certainly wondered about this when I was single. Most of my friends were married and by the time I was in my 30s, I really didn’t want to hang out in a bar. So how do you meet people? 

I have some ideas. As with much of what I recommend, it involves strategies and you’ll need to actually do it.

Familiarity

Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you.This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.

Take a new look at the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

Try New Places

The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.

Get outside of your comfort zone. Try new places, events, and activities. 

You never know what will come of it.

Online Dating

Online dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people.

Do what feels right for you. 

Always make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person.

If you decide to try online dating, what are 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join. 

It may be good to stay with a site at last three months before switching.

Putting thought, time, and energy into these details to reflect who you are will likely increase the chances for success.

Resources

How to Meet People guide

The Dating Profile guide

Link to podcast episode 29 on How to Meet People

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Chris Johnson describes himself as a 42-year-old man in a wheelchair with Cerebral Palsy,  He says, "My experience with dating and relationships amounts to a series of unrequited crushes throughout my adolescence and adulthood. I’ve never been on a date or had a girlfriend. In the past two years or so, I’ve really grown emotionally and spiritually, and I feel ready to enter a committed romantic relationship with a woman who’s willing and able to share a life with me. 

I believe that ableism poses a large obstacle to dating and relationships for people with disabilities. We’re seen as undesirable partners due to our physical limitations, as well as the issues these limitations pose regarding mobility, fitness, and perceived attractiveness. I’m average-looking at my worst, but for years, I believed I was ugly because of my weight. Although I think I would be seen in a better light if I lost quite a few pounds, I doubt if that alone could negate the effects ableism has on my social life.

One of the many reasons I appreciate Radiant Abilities is their effort to educate people on how to recognize ableism and overcome it. It’s so ingrained in our society that people—both able-bodied and differently-abled—don’t often realize on a conscious level that they are engaging in it. I guarantee that I myself have deep-seated ableist attitudes that need to change. Radiant Abilities can help me change them with the resources you provide. 

The advice I would give to people with disabilities who are in search of dating success and healthy relationships is to first cultivate an attitude of self-love and self-confidence. Become the person you want to be in a relationship with. Stay humble and grateful, while filling your mind with positive thoughts and intentions. 

Then, speak those affirmations aloud until you feel as if you have already attained the success you seek. Your confident, positive energy will attract potential partners who will also be confident and positive. This type of manifestation takes patience and faith. It’s a process I’ve found myself in for nearly two years now, and I feel like things are slowly but surely aligning for me to find a path to a life partner."

Resources
Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

You can connect with Chris on:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

The Purple Knight podcast about his favorite musician, Prince

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This may sound in opposition to what I normally talk about when it comes to dating and relationships. If you’re having fear and doubt about yourself in the dating and relationship, that can actually be a good sign. And you’re saying, “Wait a minute, don’t you preach self esteem and confidence when dating and in relationships?”

Yes, I do, but having good self esteem and confidence doesn’t mean you’re free from fear and doubt. Sometimes the people who have the highest amounts of self esteem and confidence struggle with fear and doubt the most. Many times this is because they’re taking big risks to reach their dreams and it’s scarier than all heck.

The difference with these people is they don’t let fear and doubt stop them. They work through the fear and doubt to keep meeting the new opportunities and challenges to face them on the way to their dreams.

Fear and doubt, in nearly anything, can be a good sign because it usually means you’re growing, changing, and challenging yourself to move forward in life. If you have fear and doubt in dating, maybe that means you’re challenging yourself to get out there, rather than allowing your fear to stop you from doing so.

Make Friends With Fear and Doubt 

It’s human nature to shrink from fear and doubt. No one wakes up and says, “Yes! I’m going to fear scared and doubt myself all day long.” But when we avoid feeling fear and doubt at all costs, even our dreams and what we want most in the world, we’re letting fear and doubt rule.

We don’t make friends with fear and doubt. What I mean by that is we don’t chase fear and doubt away and we don’t hide from it. We just let it be. We have it come to us as a way of understanding why it’s there, much like we would a friend.

I have a few prompts that you could ask yourself to help you be less intimidated by fear and doubt, especially in dating and relationships.

How about just being curious, rather than upset or nervous, by fear and doubt? This helps put you in a state of wonder, rather than anxiety.

Why don’t you ask fear and doubt why they showed up, much like you would a friend? The answer may give you the exact insight you need.

Ask yourself how can I take fear and doubt along with me on this endeavor rather than allow it to stop me? Again, much like you might go on a journey with a friend.

These tips might sound weird to you, but be open to it. 

What do you have to lose if you find fear and doubt are preventing you from maybe putting yourself out there, connecting with someone, or just believing in yourself.

Trust me, when I was confident enough to tell my husband I wanted to get to him more on our first date, I was still filled with fear and doubt. I just did it anyway.

Remember fear and doubt can be a good thing. It means you’re shaking things up and reaching outside your comfort zone. A lot of growth can happen there.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

If you’re listening to this around the time that it’s published, we’re newly into the last quarter of the year. It seems every year, although we know October, November and December come every year, we are surprised by its arrival.

Did you have plans and goals for yourself this year, maybe around dating and relationships? Was this going to be the year that things finally changed and you met someone? But now it’s October and you’re thinking, “Shoot this is like every other year.”

Don’t give up! You got three months to make progress.

Why not pick a small goal for each month - October, November and December - to make just a little or a lot of progress toward your goals?

Some examples could be writing your dating profile. Remember you should have one whether or not you’re doing online dating,

You could join a group, virtually or in person, as a way of meeting new people?

Or tell three people you’re looking to date and do they know anyone for you to meet?

Pick one goal per month to work on. Who knows? You may actually meet someone.

Resources
If you feel you need help with this, download the 3, 2, 1 Plan, which helps you come up with three positive affirmations, two powerful beliefs about dating, and one action you can take toward your dating goals. Bonus points for coming up with three actions, one for each month.

The year is not over! Make this season count! Don’t give up!

Credits
Music by Successful Motivation
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

We're talking about the effects of ableism on intimate relationships. We're talking with my colleague at Radiant Abilities, Alexa Strickland. Alexa is a Mental Health Counselor and Trainer who has researched ableism, sexuality, and intimate relationships.

In Alexa's research, The Effects of Ableism on People With Disabilities in Intimate Relationships,  the premise was “the purpose of this study is to examine the effects of ableism on PWDs in intimate relationships using the Ableism and Relationships survey to assess experiences of ableism in dating and relationships and how these experiences may affect their self-esteem and confidence, sense of sexuality, and their ability to form intimate relationships.” Alexa does a great job breaking down what this means.

She also discusses both the type/severity of a disability can influence attitudes towards PWDs in intimate relationships.

We talk about the challenges participants experienced in dating/relationships such as rejection, receiving hurtful/discriminatory comments about their disability, and perceived as asexual/unattractive.

Alexa shares a sampling of the answers to these questions:

What challenges have you experienced in dating or relationships? 

Do you feel like this challenge(s) makes it difficult to form intimate or meaningful relationships with others? 

She wraps up by talking about the three biggest takeaways you had from the research.

As with most of my guests, we chat about the particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships, as well as societal changes needed to see people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.

Alexa also shares the most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

Lastly, she mentions the two new groups she's beginning on Acceptance, Disability, and Relationships and Managing Anxiety.  Open to NYS residents. Contact Alexa for more details.

Resources 

Free download - Rising Above Sexual Ableism. Use this download as a resource for strengthening your skills live the life you want and have the relationships you want.

Credits
Music by Successful Motivation
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I want to give you a little context because I realize I often refer to “when I was single,” when talking about when I was on the path of trying to date with a disability. I did not meet my husband until just before I turned 39 and we were married two years later. I consider adulthood beginning at 18, so I was single and trying to date successfully for a good 20 years. Twenty years. That’s a long time. Trust me, it felt long in the midst of it.

In those 20 years, I had a lot of lonely nights. To me, lonely nights are twofold. There’s the lonely of 8pm on a Saturday night and then there’s the lonely of 3am. I’m sure you know what I mean. The 8pm lonely might have thoughts of “Everyone’s out on a date or cuddling with their sweetheart but me.” It feels lonely and it sucks.

Then the 3am lonely feels more like a panic. “Will I ever meet someone? Will anyone find me attractive?” And then it can spiral out of control. You begin to think, “Will I die alone?” Or at least, I did.

I wanted to let you know that whether it’s 8pm or 3am, you’re not alone with these thoughts.\

And it will be okay.

I think back now on my life and how those nights terrified me at the time. For a while, I had them so frequently, it left me sleep deprived.

And life ended up working out for me. Nowadays my sleep is mainly disturbed by my son or dog waking me up.

The Remedy 
The best advice I can give you for these lonely nights is to begin by acknowledging YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Many other single people are having lonely nights too. We just don’t talk about it that much.

Then develop a plan for yourself of how you’re going to address the problem of the lonely nights. Are you going to begin going somewhere, maybe join a group to meet people, get on a dating site? What are you going to do that is within your control to meet people? When we’re experiencing a negative emotion, such as loneliness, we want to honor and acknowledge that feeling, but we also want to take action toward the problem. This will help you from feeling like the problem is completely outside your control.

Here are some concrete tips for that 8pm loneliness:

• Plan something for yourself ahead of time if you know you have plans. Maybe pick out a movie or show you’ve been wanting to see. Call a friend and get together. Or plan to dive into your hobby at that time.
• Pamper yourself at that time. Do a spa night. Be good to yourself, as long as it’s not eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a package of Oreos.
• Join a group, either online or in person, so you don’t feel alone.

Now, for the 3am loneliness:

• Love yourself. If you’re having panicky thoughts about your life, your body and mind need love. Acknowledge three things you love about yourself.
• Reassure yourself that these are just thoughts in your beautiful he

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I want to thank the listeners who have already volunteered for the research interviews my colleague, Alexa, and I are doing. We have gotten such amazing insights and information already. If you would be willing to give us 30 minutes to interview you for some research, and yes, you can be sure it will include dating and relationships, sign up here for Kathy and here for Alexa.

Now, I have a question for you, as I usually do. Do you have a dating tool bag? Are you saying, Kathy, what the heck is a dating tool bag? Well, if you’ve been listening for a bit, you know something I say a lot about dating with a disability is that it’s hard, but totally possible, meaning you can figure it out. However, like a lot of puzzles in life, it may take time and TOOLS to figure it out. I have some suggestions based on what worked in my life and what is helpful for the people I help with dating and relationships.

A Dating Plan
First, you need to have a plan for approaching dating. I encourage you to come up with three positive messages you can tell yourself about dating, two encouraging beliefs you can develop about dating, and then decide on one action you’re going to take to put yourself out there to date, such as get on a dating app or go to a particular event. I call this the 3, 2, 1 plan. 

The Dating Profile and Disclosure
Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships. If you are dating with a disability, you need to learn ways to disclose it in your dating profile. The How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability Guide may help.

Your Support System
Use this guide sheet to help you identify not just people but books, activities, and resources to help you in your dating and relationship journey.

Talking About Your Disability
This is NOT the same as disclosure of your disability. Once you disclose your disability, you need ways to talk about it  in a healthy, empowering ways. Check out the Bringing Disability Into Relationships Guide.

Being Able To Have Tough Conversations
Having Difficult Conversations Guide can help you figure out what to say for those difficult, but important conversations.

Coaching
This is a service I offer in my business, Dating and Rel

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I often get messages on social media like this: I’m looking for a disabled woman who wants marriage. Do you know of any honest matchmakers?

While my heart goes out to people who have the vulnerability to ask this, I also cringe when I get asked this because I suspect that when someone asks about matchmaking, they are doubting their own ability to attract someone to themselves.

Now, before you say, wait a minute, matchmaking works for a lot of people, let me say I know and I agree. My own parents were set up on a blind date and happily married for 65 years. I am not saying matchmaking doesn’t work. 

What I am saying is it should not be your “go to” strategy for dating success. I believe a crucial part of making dating work for you is developing this sense of ownership that you are in control of your dating destiny. I think when people don’t feel this, they can feel on some level like a victim because they're depending on others to find them “someone.”

I know that’s a strong statement to make and I truly don’t say it to be critical. I just want you to consider if you’re out there dating or wanting to date, are you depending on someone else to find your person because you don’t believe you have that ability within yourself? Or perhaps you have been disappointed so many times, you have given up on being able to find someone on your own?

I truly get the frustration and wanting help. I encourage you to ask for help. In fact, I always tell people if you’re dating, let everyone in your life know so they can keep an eye out for a potential someone for you. But this is vastly different from solely relying on others to “hook you up” so to speak.

If you want to use matchmaking to meet someone, use it as one of your tools in your dating tool bag. We’ll be talking about that next week. Don’t put the power in one person or site or organization to find you what you want most in this world.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Cultivate your Power to Attract. The message I shared at the beginning of this episode was from someone who said “normal women don’t like disabled men for partners.” Therefore, he wanted a matchmaker who would match him with a disabled woman. Again, nothing wrong with preferring to date disabled people, except when you’re doing it because you believe nondisabled people won’t give you the time of day.

Cultivating your Power to Attract is about owning that belief in yourself that you are attractive (whether physically, emotionally, intellectually, or all of the above), even in face of rejection and disappointment, because it’s something that belongs within you. It doesn’t come from outside or from others. It’s about recognizing and nurturing the qualities within you that draw others to you. 

I would love to see you become your own best matchmaker. I

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate